I knew this wasn’t going to be like taking a vacation to Club Med. I knew it was going to bad, but I didn’t think it was going to be as bad as all this. Yes, another year in the trenches. Another annual training. Another “vacation” with the army. I don’t know where they got us. I take that back. I know exactly where I am. If there is a beautiful paradise in the centre of the universe, this is the place that its furthest from. I am on the edge of the earth, in a little backwater somewhere in Virgnia having a grand ole time in the hot as sun like one of the Hebrews working on the pyramids back in the time before Jesus was born.
Why does everything in the army NOT come with air conditioning? Seriously. It is like they purposely built things so that they would be air condition-less forever and ever, amen. None of the buildings, none of the vehicles. Nothing. Everything is as hot and dry as the backside of the sun and it’s about 212 degrees out with 250% humidity. I am sure I lost 12 pounds 15 minutes after arrival.
But what’s worse than forsaking air conditioning? Forsaking internet. This is the 21st century. The country has just stood up its first cyber command, recognising that the internet and everything it entails is firmly engraved in our society. There is no turning back from this. Facebook, twitter and CNN.com have taken over our lives. If we cannot tweet, text or BBM, we will commit mass suicide. So why are we some place where this is no WIFI? Why do we not have internet, anywhere? Why is there some special building for accessing the outside world like this is a 1986 computer lab filled with Apple IIe computers?
I am so far out on the edge of nowhere that I cannot get internet service on my phone. Apple, I abhor that you had to shack up with AT&T. They don’t have coverage everywhere. While I love my iPhone, I’ve always hated AT&T. All my friends with Verizon are able to stay connected, but AT&T, oh no, there’s like this dead zone. My Facebook app hasn’t been updated in almost 36 hours. This is a no-go. I need to know what we’re doing about this. So no internet in the barracks. No internet on my phone. No internet anywhere.
How am I writing this?
I took it back to the stone ages. I got a rock table, a hammer, some twine, a fire for smoke signals and a carrier pigeon. I put them all together so that I could create a computer and internet so I could write in my blog. Actually, there is a computer lab and I just happen to be on duty in the lab and I’m using this opportunity to update everything I possibly can.
Anyway, so I want to take this opportunity to let you all know why I joined the army. It is because I get to do super sensitive specialised training. Some of that training I cannot tell you about. It is that ultra top secret. It is so super sensitive that if I tell you I’m going to have to kill myself because even I’m not allowed to know about this super special training. But because I really want you all to know what it is I do for the army and why I was so eager, I am going to tell you just one facet of my amazing job here in the army. It really is a great thing that I do. I am proud to put on this uniform so I can perform this duty. Let me tell you what it is.
I kick rocks.
Yes, literally, I kick rocks. They give us these boots that are designed specifically for kicking rocks. Even the uniform has special functions for kicking rocks. I am apart of a unique force protection unit that kicks rocks for the good of mankind. If we do not kick rocks we are not doing our job. Kicking rocks is an important function of the army. I feel proud when I talked to my family about my military duties. I say to them, “Mom, Dad, today I kicked rocks.” And they said, “We’re so proud of you, daughter, for kicking rocks. Not many people have the courage to do what you do. Kicking rocks is not an easy job.”
If any of you out there are reading this and you want to know what you can do for your country, you can kicks rocks. I urge you to get in contact with your nearest military recruiter and find out if you can kick rocks for the U. S. Army. We do not have enough troops on the ground kickings rocks for the good of our nation. We do not have enough troops out there fighting the good fight by kicking rocks. Don’t let those anti-military people tell you that kicking rocks is bad. It is a centrifugal part of our mission. We fight terrorists by kicking rocks.
When John F. Kennedy said,
“Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country,”