Totally Random #16

We have three desk calendars at work dedicated to trivia.  We have a Jeopardy! calendar, a general trivia calendar and a calendar that gives you clues and you have to guess what the answer is based off the clues.  It has become a big thing in the office and we look forward to it everyday.

So today’s question on the general trivia calendar was:

What was the second half of Moses’ demand to Pharaoh, “let my people go.”

None of us even know there was a second half of the command.  We all started guessing.  My boss said it might have something to do with the plagues.  One co-worker said it was probably a statement about the wrath of God.

This guy in the office next to us sometimes participates in the trivia if he is around.  He is a very quiet guy.  He stood up and said asked me to repeat the question.  I did.  He thought about it a moment, and I really thought he was about to say something serious and then he said,

Let my people go, MOTHER FUCKER!

Everybody busted out laughing.  Yes, we know it is blasphemous.  Sure, but it was HILARIOUS because it was unexpected and he is not really the type of guy to say something like that.

Anyway, I thought it was funny and I guess it’s one of those things you had to have been there.

For the record, the correct answer is:

Let my people go, that they may serve me in the wilderness

Exodus 7:16

Totally Random #15

To try not to fall asleep at my desk, I get up and go for a walk around the building.  When the weather is warm, I walk outside and if I go around twice that’s almost two miles.  Because it is cold, I have to walk around in the basement.  There are several elevators in the building.  Most of them are freight elevators, so the construction guys can move all their cargo.  Then there are the passenger elevators which mostly disabled people use.

The freight elevators anybody can use, but the passenger elevators have big signs that say:

PASSENGERS ONLY

As I was doing my hourly walk around the building I passed a passenger elevator.  I noticed that someone had scratched all the letters off the sign so that it read:

ASS ONLY

I thought that was funny.

Totally Random #14

I’m starting to feel in a way about things.

Totally Random #13

So, one of my co-workers brought in these chocolate bars that his son sells as a fundraising project.  He offered the remainders to us but since I didn’t want to eat a whole chocolate bar to myself, I offered a piece of it to my other co-worker.

It was wrapped up in foil but as I handed it to him, the chocolate fell on the floor.  I started to break off another piece of the candy bar but instead he just picked up the piece that fell, blew on it and put it in his mouth.  Yes, I know a lot of people subscribe to the five second rule, and I do too but only when it applies to select areas.  Five second rule only counts in my own house or other people’s houses I have deemed to be clean and hygienic.  Five second rule does not count in public places, especially the office where everyone is sick and the carpet has not been cleaned since they first installed it in the 1960s.

I looked at him in horror but he was like, “What?”  What’s wrong?  I told him it was totally gross that he ate off this disgusting floor.  Then he said, “I don’t care where it falls.  Even if it fell on the bathroom floor, I would still eat it.”

To that I had no reply.

FAIL.

Totally Random #12

Last night I was driving home when a crazy person started following.

I was sitting a stop light when the guy in the truck next to me screamed at me in some African language.  (He was very obviously African.)  I had no idea who this man was.  He was looking at me expectantly like I was supposed to say something to him, but 1.  I don’t speak African and 2. I don’t know who this guy is.

The light turned green so I drove off.  Crazy African Man decides to get behind me and start tailgating me while laying on his horn.  I’m like, WTF?  I start to speed up to get away from him but he sped up to keep up with me.  He started flashing his lights and waving his hands trying to get my attention.  This goes on for like half a mile, with me racing up through red lights so I won’t have to stop with this lunatic behind me.

Now I am almost home but I don’t want to go home because I dont’ want Crazy African Man to follow me there.  Then he tries to pull up next to me again and he is screaming at me in whatever language he speaks.  I’m just staring at him.  He is just going on and on and on.  I don’t answer him because I have no idea what he’s saying.

Then the asshole stops and says, “Oh wait a minute.  You’re not Lisa.  I thought you were my friend.”  And he just drives off.

What the fuck?  Okay, seriously, the guy follows me for about 10 minutes and then he decides I’m not the person he thought I was?  Wouldn’t he know what kind of car his friend drives?  Or was that a coincidence too?  And anyway, say I was his friend, do you normally tailgate people, scream at them and blare your horn at someone who is supposedly you friend?

Seriously.

Totally Random #11

I just read on CNN that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are expecting a baby.  I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or throw up.  It’s not that I’m against older women marrying younger men, or older men marrying younger men, it’s just that they seem very gross together.  While Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher seem to go well together like bread and butter, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are like ketchup and jelly.

This is a disaster of epic proportions.

Totally Random #10

So, there had been this disgusting rotten smell in my house for the past three days that was driving me crazy.  I could not figure out what it was.  I took out the trash.  I cleaned the drain in the sink.  I cleaned out the refrigerator and threw away any old food.  I mopped.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I burned incense.  I did everything I could to get rid of that smell.  It smelled like old trash, but since I had taken the trash out, I just couldn’t figure it out.

Last night, I finally discovered the source of the smell.  Two oranges had fallen behind the refrigerator and had gone bad.  You know, the smell was strongest by the refrigerator and I thought it was something in the refrigerator.  I don’t usually keep food past its prime, but you know, sometimes things leave behind an odour.  So I cleaned the fridge, top to bottom with bleach and baking soda but still the smell lingered.

Damn oranges.  I did wonder what happened to the oranges.  I keep them in a fruit bowl on top of the fridge.  Somehow they must have rolled away.  I was planning on eating them things too.

Oh well.

But the smell is gone.  Thank God.

Totally Random #9

It’s getting to be that time of year when I hate getting out of bed.  I like the approaching of winter and the chilly nights.  I get in my bed with a stack of blankets and burrow way down.  In the morning, when it’s time to get up, the bed is so warm, like a cocoon.  I don’t want to leave my bed because the room still has a chill clinging to it.

This morning is the first morning.  Despite feeling well rested, I could have laid there forever.

I never feel this way in the summertime.  Yes, I have air conditioning and I can make the room as cold as I like it.  Somehow it’s just not the same.

I love a crisp fall morning.

Totally Random #8

I want a dog.

I’ve never wanted a pet before, but suddenly I want one.  I’ve been thinking about it for the past few months.  Of course, I can never do anything small, and I want a big dog.  I want a Weimaraner or a German Short-Haired Pointer.  Both are big, active dogs that like to chew on shit and tear up the house.  They are both expensive as hell.

So, if I get a dog, I’m going to need another apartment.

I been wanting another apartment anyway.  Yeah, I just moved.  So what?

I do what I want.

Totally Random #7: Randomly Asking For Large Sums of Money

So I randomly just got an email from my piano teacher requesting to borrow $2800.  In case you didn’t know, I recently switched piano teachers because the previous teacher sucked.  My new teacher is a slim, young Asian woman who lives in the neighbourhood around the corner from mine.  Her neighbourhood is far more upscale and when I entered her home, it was obvious to me that she, or her parents, came from money.

I’ve only had one lesson with her so far, so we don’t exactly know each other.  I can’t imagine what made her think I would loan her $2800. Here is the email for your amusement:

How are you? I’m Sorry to bother you but I need your assistance urgently, I am presently in England for a Program, I didn’t inform you about my traveling because I thought I’ll be back in two days, I’m stuck here now because I misplaced my side bag on my way to the hotel where my money and other valuable stuff were kept. I need you to do me a favor as soon as you get this e-mail. I’ll need you to assist me with a soft loan urgently to sort out my Hotel bills and get myself back home, I’ll be needing the sum of $2,800. I’ll really appreciate whatever you can afford to help me with,I’ll pay you back as soon as I return. Kindly let me know if you can assist me with the loan So I can get back to you with my personal details to send me the funds,I hope to read from you soon.

To be quite honest, I do not think my piano teacher is seriously asking me for money.  I think her email might have been hacked or something.  First of all, in her correspondence to me, she always addresses me by name.  Secondly, my piano teacher strikes me as well-educated and well-versed in the English language.  She doesn’t talk like a foreigner or someone who just learned English last weekend.  The font she uses is different.  Everything about this email is wrong, but when I first read it, I was like, seriously, she is asking me for $2800?  Someone I just met two weeks ago wants to borrow almost $3000? I didn’t even say anything to her that would indicate I even had $2800 to loan in the first place.  She never asked me my occupation, or where I lived or anything.  In fact, we didn’t talk about anything except piano.  I’m paying her $45 an hour to teach me piano and she emails me and asks for $2800?  Yeah, okay.

If this is a legitimate email, she obviously don’t know me that well.  I ain’t never loaned anybody this type of money a day in my life!  If my friends called me up talking about, “Can I borrow $2800?” They would get hung up on.  If my sister called me up, “Hey, can I hold $2800?”  She would get laughed at and then hung up on.  Anybody else in the family, I wouldn’t even answer their phone call.  I do not loan money.

If you need help, I will help you.  If you’re stranded, I’ll come get you.  If you need diapers, I’ll go buy some.  If you need food, I’ll take you to the grocery store.  I don’t ever give nobody no cold hard cash so they can waste it on some BS, cuz once you give somebody some money, you know it’s gone forever.

The crazy thing is I just talked to my piano teacher a few days ago about which lesson books she wants me to buy.  She also confirmed our appointment.  I started to write her back and tell her that she was smoking something fresh, but after reading the email again, I am pretty sure that it isn’t her and more likely some hacker or somebody playing around.  I’ll tell her about it when I see her tomorrow–unless she’s still in England.

I just thought it was hilarious.

Asking me for $2800.

Hahahahahahahhahahahaha.