Trip Report: Las Vegas, June 8-12 (Part 5)

Sunday

My last day in Vegas and I’m a little bit sad. My vacation is not over, but the Vegas part is. Tonight my sister arrives and tomorrow we will begin a cross country road trip to North Carolina. That is part of the reason I had to be so stingy with my money.

Becky and Co. would be departing so I was on my own for most of Sunday. I went for another run on the Strip, but I didn’t get as far this time because I started a little bit too late and ran into traffic and other obstacles. After a shower, I walked to Paris to have breakfast at Sugar Factory. I know I could take the bus but I don’t mind the walk and after reading the reviews of this place, it sounds like I’m going to need as much exercise as possible to shore up my resolve.

Those reviews weren’t lying! It was around 815 by the time I got there. I got a nice table outdoors. After the server took my order, I passed the time people watching. It’s hysterical how many people are on the Walk of Shame at that hour. I saw a woman who must have been club hopping all night long. At 815, her stilettos were probably murder on her feet. She had taken them off and now limped on ginger toes back to her hotel. Her makeup was running. What probably was a nice hairdo was in ruins. I saw a guy who looked like he had been in a cat fight over at Siegfried and Roy’s. His shirt was shredded. He had that hangover look about him, like he had just woken up and had no idea what’d happened the previous night.

Also hysterical is the number of people who are still drunk at that hour. I saw a group of young men and for them, the party had just started. They were absolutely trashed but having a good time, chugging beers on the corner at 830 in the morning. They were like frat guys. You know the type that go, “Woo!!! Hooo!!” for every little thing. A group of housekeepers was getting off shift and running to catch the bus and the frat guys started cat-calling them. “Hello, ladies! Yeah!!” Not to make any pre-judgments on people, but the typical housekeeper in Vegas is an older Latina woman. I guess if that’s what they’re into.

My breakfast arrived soon after. I ordered the chocolate pancakes. Let me tell you that I am a chocolate fanatic but these pancakes tested my resolve. They were chocolate chip pancakes, drizzled in chocolate sauce, layered with some other kind of chocolate and served with warm chocolate syrup. I began eating and about 15 minutes later, all my teeth had cavities. It was so freakin’ sweet I was downing cups of water just trying to get that sugar taste out of my mouth. They give you three, I could only eat about one and a half. I sat there staring at that chocolate monstrosity like it’s my Rubicon. For whatever reason I’m determined the finish the whole plate, but it was time to admit defeat. The server comes by, “All done?” Yes, please, God, take it away. He starts laughing. “Nobody can ever finish these.”

I walked back to Riviera to check out. Yes, I made another hotel change. There was a thread on TA recently about changing hotels. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but three hotels in four days? Too much going on. I really could not stay at Riviera any longer and since my friends had gone there was really no need for me to be on the Strip anymore, so I went over to the Hilton. I walked between the two hotels (not that far) and checked in immediately.

But before I left Riviera, I met a naughty man in the elevator. I had on my backpack, this huge thing stuffed with my 18 inch laptop and other worldly goods, plus a small roller bag. There was a maintenance man in the elevator with a huge maintenance cart when it stopped on my floor. I started to take the next elevator but he said there would be enough room, so I backed into the elevator. Two seconds later, he shouts, “Oww!” I turned around thinking that I had hit him with my big dumb backpack.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Did I hit you?”

“No, no. My glasses pinched the side of my face. I hate that,” he said. Then he waggled his grey bushy eyebrows at me and leered, “But if you wanted to hit me, trust me, I wouldn’t be saying ‘oww’.” He gave me this look that clearly indicated he was into something kinky. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face. He actually wagged his tongue and began panting at me. It was absolutely revolting but so hilarious. I tried not to laugh in his face. I just murmured something unintelligible and got out of the elevator as fast as I could.

The walk between Riviera and the Hilton was arduous and I realised that I should stop being so cheap. I could have taken a cab for about $7. Whatever. Even though it was only 1130, they let me check in right away. The room at the Hilton was so nice. Too bad this place isn’t on the Strip, but then it would probably be more expensive.

I passed the time waiting for my sister to arrive from Arizona by people watching in the casino downstairs. Let me tell you that I did not know that gang members went on vacation. Picture a hard core gang member with tattoos all over his face, head, neck and all down his arms. He looked like he was about to rob me, but then he had the two cutest little girls with him, his mother, a wife and two other guys that looked like hard core gang members. They were coming out of the Hilton and were on their way to NY, NY so they could ride the roller coaster. I was surprised, but I think it takes all kinds.

Once my sister arrived and got situated, we drove over to the Wynn and parked. My sister has a stripper friend (who is really handy in a pinch) she usually visits Vegas with, so her experiences are vastly different than mine. She has never been to any of the touristy stuff, so I thought I’d take her through a few things. We didn’t have much time so I decided on a buffet, Strip walk and the fountains.

Because Bellagio was so disappointing, I went with the buffet at Wynn. I really wanted to go to Wicked Spoon but it was too far for our purposes. Wynn was much better. I have eaten here before when I came in 2010 for NYE. My sister thoroughly enjoyed herself, so much to the point that she ate entirely too much. She began complaining of stomach issues before we could even get out of the Wynn hotel. I told her she should go and let nature take its course, but nature was a bit stalled.

I suggested that we walk slowly, maybe that might knock things loose a bit. We slowly strolled through Venetian and Palazzo. I wanted to ride the gondolas but my sister gets seasick, forget about the fact that it’s probably only an inch of water down there. We rested outside the Venetian to watch the volcano thing across the street at Mirage. I had never seen that before and I admit that I liked it. Yeah, it’s a cheesy tourist attraction but I like stuff like that.

Then we very slowly strolled to Bellagio to the fountains. By the time we got there my sister was critical. Halfway during the fountain show, she just took off. I tried to text her to find out where she was and she said, “Leave me alone!” Okay. I stayed where I was because I knew she couldn’t describe where she had gone and I didn’t want us to be lost from each other. An hour later (actually more than an hour later), she comes back looking battle weary. She said, “I don’t know which end was worse.”

Thanks for the imagery, sis. I don’t think she had any food poisoning because we ate pretty much the same things at the buffet and I didn’t have any issues at all. My sister had never been to a buffet like that before and she was truly packing it in, on top of all the soda and juice they pour down your throat. I advise everyone to practise restraint. We hung out at the fountains for a little while more so she could gather her strength and then we headed back.

Vegas at night one last time. Enter the drunks and weirdoes, the slappers and undercover prostitutes. We saw some fundamentalist Mormon people. I didn’t even think they would step foot in Vegas, and these poor people just looked shocked out of their minds. The mother had her hands over the daughter’s ears. I felt she should have covered her eyes because a bachelorette party was stumbling down the street. The lucky lady was wearing a bikini top that said “bride.” Actually, it said, “(BR) (DE).” The “I” was lost in her cleavage somewhere and I’m pretty sure that was a nipple. I saw Storm Troopers, Wonder Woman, Tupac (he’s not dead, you know), a whole bunch of Elvises (that would be a whole lotta shots if you guys were playing my game), and about a dozen brides in wedding dresses, ranging from haute couture to K-Mart blue light special (do they even do that anymore?).

It’s such an interesting city. Even though I am not into its main attractions of drinking and gambling, I always have a good time here. I think there is plenty to do if gambling is not your thing. Next time I’d like to explore the newer hotels and casinos, like Aria and Cosmopolitan. Maybe I might learn how to play blackjack. I don’t know. It’s like you never know in this place. I’ll definitely have more money so I can check out some of these fine dining options, and so I can shop. You don’t know how depressing it is not to be able to shop.

Lessons learned:

1. No more than two hotels in one trip, no matter how long you’re staying.

2. Hit up a liquor store and start your drinking in your room to save money if you’re budget conscious. You can always get a drink or two at the bar, but if you’re a heavy weight start early.

3. Don’t be offended or uptight about the weirdoes. They’re just having a good time. Smile and nod and walk away.

4. There is plenty of fun to be had if you’re not a gambler.

5. Be more assertive when it comes to the cabs or asking for upgrades.

6. Leave your troubles, rules and regulations at home.

7. Don’t eat too much at the buffet.

8. Don’t wear shoes you’ll have to stumble home in the next day.

9. Don’t let anybody write their phone number on your forehead.

10. Just go for it. You only live once. You can deal with the repercussions later.

Trip Report: Las Vegas, June 8-12 (Part 4)

Saturday

I was up again with the crack of dawn on Saturday. The Riviera does have a gym but its fee is not included in the resort fee of $7.94. I am curious as to what the resort fee does include. The gym has an additional fee, as well as the internet and other services. Since I refuse to pay additional, I went for a run down the Strip. I was surprised to see many other runners out there as well. I ran to Paris and back (hahaha, that sounds funny). I showered quickly and headed over to Peppermill for breakfast.

Do they give you a crap load of food, or what? I wanted pancakes but another server came out with a stack and I was like, holy crap! They were like satellite dishes. I ordered just one, and a crab omelet. I couldn’t finish either one, and let me tell you, I am not some delicate flower that eats half an ice cube and declares herself stuffed. I EATS! I just couldn’t do it though. If you are staying in this area and you are concerned about your money, come here. It’s reasonable, and you and your sweetie can share a plate.

I offended one of the waitresses without even meaning to. I was wearing an Antoine Dodson t-shirt that says, “Hide Your Wife.” If you don’t know who Antoine Dodson is, look him up on YouTube. This woman had never heard of him either and she said, “Just what exactly does ‘hide your wife’ mean?” I tried to explain it to her, but you really have to see the video in order for any of it to make sense. She came back several times demanding clarification. I told her that the video was a news clip about a young ghetto guy who had saved his sister from sexual assault. “So you think sexual assault is funny?”

No, I don’t, but the video clip is hysterical, especially since they made a song out of it. There’s a rap version, a death metal version and lounge act version. She didn’t get it and she kept giving me the death look the whole time. She refilled my coffee and I was scared to drink it.

I met back up with Becky and Co. later on. I still had the 24 hour bus pass that Maria helped me buy the day before so it wasn’t that bad getting to the other part of the Strip. Oprah had given Becky and Rey tickets to Celine Dion’s show and they wanted new outfits. We trolled the Forum Shops at Caesar’s for just the thing. First, we got lost. We entered the Forum Shops from the street and we were trying to get to the part with the long hallway full of stores. We went up one escalator and down another, up another and back down another before we realised that we were kinda going in circles. Turns out, they had a part blocked off and that is why we couldn’t easily figure out where we were going. We looked pretty dumb.

I wish I had had more money to shop. I saw so many things that could have easily gone home with me. It was depressing. But now that I’ve got my timeshare thingy, I can come back and get my shop on.

Let me tell you about the OMG Cookie. It really is called OMG cookie too. I got it from this chocolate shop right across from H&M in the Forum Shops. The cookie cost $5. My cheap self was making comments like, “This thing better be darn good for $5.” As soon as I put it in my mouth, I was like, OMG. And that is why it is the OMG cookie. It’s that good. Get yourself one.

After a brief respite in the room, Becky and Rey took themselves off to the Celine Dion show. Tam and I decided to find ourselves a steak dinner. Since we were both concerned about money, we decided on Mon Ami Gabi. I know there are better steak places and I will have to try them next time, but I was put off because I barely had two pennies to rub together. I still have to eat well though, no matter how broke I am.

Mon Ami Gabi was a great choice for us. If you get there around 5PM, the place will not be crowded. We decided it was too warm for outdoor dining and we had a nice little spot in the corner. The restaurant is a bit romantic for two women but whatever. We both ordered the steak bordelaise in red wine sauce. Gabi is known for its pommes frites, but I don’t eat potatoes so they went untouched. Instead I got a side of spinach and treated myself to a glass of red wine. Tam had a bread pudding for dessert which she declared was well worth all the extra calories and dollars.

We strolled through Paris on the hunt for a Napoleon. Becky had been going on about a Napoleon made with CUSTARD, not cream, the whole trip. I stopped to get a crepe at La Creperie while Tam checked out the bakery next door. No dice. We kept going. We went over to Planet Hollywood to stroll through the shops. On the way back to Caesar’s, we stopped at the Bellagio fountains. I noticed that there were an awful lot of Marines in their dress blues. We also saw many women in fancy evening attire. It was like Fleet Week, except with Marines and not Sailors.

My father was a Marine and I’m in the Army, so I like a nice looking man in his dress uniform. At first, we thought maybe a marriage, but we saw so many that I just had to ask what the deal was. I stopped one and asked him. He told me that they had been deployed to Afghanistan and as a result, they had missed the Marine Corps Ball, which is in November. So they put on their own ball in Vegas. I thought that was awesome. Looking back, I should have bought the guy a drink because he was very obviously excited to be alive and in Vegas. A Marine’s life can be more frustrating than a soldier’s life. We service people all have sacrifices to make. I ain’t gonna get on my soapbox about the military, so that’s all I’ll say about that.

By the time we were done with all that, Celine Dion had ceased her warbling and we met up with the other two for another evening of drinking. Becky declared the show phenomenal. She has seen the woman perform six times already. Obsession, much?

We walked the Strip for awhile. Becky stopped to get herself a pitcher of beer because a 12 ounce just isn’t enough for her. We ended up at Planet Hollywood again and then Pink’s Hot Dogs. I got one of those icee things with rum in it. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever had in my life. I think the idea is that you should already be trashed by the time you sink to that level, so you can’t taste how awful their concoction is.

The freaks really do come out at night. It was like the later the night progressed the crazier the people became. I just saw all manner of insanity walking the streets. It’s really hilarious. I love to people watch and I notice the strangest things. We hung out at Pink’s for a little while, admiring the weirdoes that walked past us. I wonder what it is about Vegas that brings out the freak in people. Is it the endless alcohol? Is it something in the air? Who knows? I think I could have sat out there for hours just taking it all in.

But around 2AM, I gave up on life and walked back to the Riviera from Planet Hollywood. For those of you concerned about safety, don’t be. I don’t mean walk down the street with dollar bills hanging out of your bra, but for the most part people are silly and just want to have a good time. I did not come across anything or anyone that gave me pause, but I am from DC and nothing really scares me. My advice is to respond with the level of your interest. If you are not interested, make sure they know that. I give’em a mean mug and go about my business.

I got in bed around 3AM because I stopped to take pictures at the Wynn and was rewarded with some guy getting thrown out. He was trying his best to get back in and was brutally rebuffed each time. It was like something out of a movie. He would turn around like he was leaving and then try to run back up the steps but the bouncers blocked him. Then he tried to squeeze his way between the bouncers, but they just pushed him back. He tried several times to get past them and one bouncer finally said, “Guy, give it up. Don’t come back here.” I wonder what he did. Maybe he was caught cheating. I hear they don’t like that sort of thing round these parts.

Tomorrow: Sugar Factory, Drunk at 8AM, Walk of Shame, and the Wynn Buffet Disaster. Oh, and the naughty man in the elevator. I forgot, that happened on Sunday, not Saturday.

Trip Report: Las Vegas, June 8 – 12, Part 3

Friday

I can’t help that I wake up so early in the morning. Back home, I am usually at work by 4AM. Friday morning I woke up at 430 and had to force myself to lie in bed until the gym opened at 6AM. I was impressed with the Luxor gym. I guess that’s why they charge $17 in resort fees. After a good workout with the weights, I decided to get my cardio on by walking to Mon Ami Gabi at Paris. I know a lot of people are not really into walking but at 8AM, the weather is still quite comfortable and walking is a good way to burn off all those empty liquor calories.

I mentioned yesterday how interesting Vegas is in the early morning hours. Nobody is out at that time except service personnel cleaning up evidence of last night’s debauchery. Sometimes you’ll see a few stragglers on the Walk of Shame. There were a couple of hookers coming off duty, or whatever they call it. I even saw a man in a wedding dress. Does Nevada permit same sex marriages? I thought about this as this man passed me in full bridal regalia. He had on a dress to rival Kate Middleton’s, with a veil and a bouquet. Wonder where he was coming from, or where he was going.

Today I had to switch hotels. I was only able to snag a decent rate at the Luxor during the week. The weekend rate was outrageous. So here is the reason I don’t gamble. I went on Priceline to bid for a hotel room within my price range. I used Betterbidding.com to see what other people had won. All these people had gotten Treasure Island for $60, even on the weekend. I took a chance and ended up with the Riviera. I was very disappointed. It’s an older property and so far away from where I wanted to be. Nothing I could do.

I packed up and headed to breakfast at Mon Ami Gabi’s, which was quite sumptuous. There was not a long wait for a table outdoors. At that hour, the weather is very agreeable so don’t be shy about an outdoor table. Man, do they serve up a hearty breakfast, French style. The French are really known for their light continental breakfasts: croissants and jam, but I treated myself to a spinach omelet and what Gabi calls skinny pancakes, or crepes. I had lemon, and it was quite a lot, in addition to a cappuccino. I sat out there quite a long time, and I didn’t feel rushed. You know some restaurants try to turn over prime seats very quickly. They practically throw the food out on the table and hurry up with the check. Not so at Mon Ami Gabi. I was there an hour and was not once harassed. The server didn’t even bring the check until I asked for it.

I crossed the street to take the bus back to Luxor. It was getting warmer by the minute and the sun was beaming down on me. So here’s a tip. If you’re not used to the warm weather and all the walking, make sure you have sunblock, some water and a hat. Use the hotel walkways as much as possible and try to stay out of the heat during the prime part of the day, and for the love of God, lay off the alcohol when it’s hot out. There was an Australian woman passed out at the bus stop. I got my camera ready in case she was dead, but she was only just passed out (I promise I do not have a fixation with dead people, and I would not really take a picture of a dead person.) I know it’s winter in Australia right now, but I was always under the impression that Australian summers are pretty brutal. I thought they’d be used to the heat. Or maybe she was just drunk. Nothing of interest at this scene, so I moved on.

So, I was a little bit confused about the bus system. Last time I was in Vegas, in 2006, I could have sworn it was only $2. Or maybe it wasn’t. Who knows? There are machines at many bus stops where you can buy passes. I didn’t know how to operate the machine so a kind local helped me out. Only she didn’t speak any English. She rattled off some instructions in Spanish. I took six years of Spanish, and I still do not feel comfortable conducting business in the language. When it comes to your bank card, you probably shouldn’t make a transaction in another language you don’t know well. There could be surprises later on. The woman was smiling and nodding and just going off in Español and I was like, “Que? Por favor? Taco?” She was actually saying “toque,” which means touch. She was trying to tell me which buttons to press on the machine. I bought a 24 hour bus pass (I hope). I did go back and look at my bank statements to make sure I hadn’t laundered any money to a foreign bank account in Columbia (not that you can do that at a bus pass machine, but still…).

While waiting for the bus I saw three more Elvises. I saw a black Elvis with plastic hair and twin Elvises going to the Bellagio. So here’s a drinking game. Every time you see an Elvis your friends have to get a shot at the nearest bar. Whoever passes out last wins the game.

I went back to Luxor to gather up my luggage and I got snagged by the timeshare people. Before you start groaning, I have to tell you that I like the timeshare people. I have done two other trips (not to Vegas) on time share presentations. I don’t give a crap what these people are trying to sell me. I wouldn’t buy a space suit if I was on the moon. I am that cheap. You can say anything you want. You can even have Jesus come down. I am not buying. But I will take a free hotel room, free drinks, and some free pretzels and whatever else you got to give. This particular timeshare is for Grand Vacations (or whatever). They gave me 4 nights’ stay at Luxor, $125 show and gift certificate and a 3 night cruise to the Bahamas if I promised to give them some of my friends’ email addresses and listen to their 2 hour blurb. Why not?

A quick cab ride over to Riviera and then I stood in their horrifically long check-in. It was about a 2 hour wait (too bad I couldn’t do my timeshare presentation thing right then and there). I started to just dump the bags at the bell desk but the hop told me the line would get even worse. Great. The room at the Riviera wasn’t terrible exactly, but because I’d been at the Luxor the room just didn’t have that…. oomph to it. The room was bigger but the bathtub was utterly filthy. That thing looked like the tarmac at JFK. The housekeeper was in the hallway and I asked her to clean it up and she said “the black stuff won’t come off. I’ll scrub it for you so you can see, but it’s not going anywhere.” Nice. The casino smells bad. The place is just so outdated. Even I were a gambler, I wouldn’t be prompted to gamble in such a place. It might have worked for Sister Act but it failed for me.

I met up with my friends later that afternoon and we passed the hours drinking and gambling. Correction, they were drinking and gambling. I was watching. I have a hard time having a drink while the sun is still up. I know I’m a loser. Around 500PM we headed down to the Bellagio buffet.

I am very disappointed. It was nowhere near as good as when we came back in 2006. Most of the food was bland and flavourless. The selection did not seem as grandiose as that last time when we stuffed ourselves so terribly we had a vomit fest in the parking lot at Caesar’s. Seriously. Back in 2006, we were young privates on a four day pass from Fort Huachuca, AZ. We went to the Bellagio and ate about 10 pounds worth of food then tried to run (RUN!) over to Caesar’s before some gift shop closed. We made it, only after we vomited profusely in the valet parking at Caesar’s.

Becky (my military friend) and I decided that Bellagio had slipped. We were disappointed but we had not starved to death so really it’s no harm, no foul. After the buffet, we went over to the theatre because we had tickets to “O,” a Cirque du Soleil show. I am in love with the Cirque shows. I’ve seen Ka, Mystere, Zumanity, and Wintuk (in NYC). I hadn’t seen “O” because it is the pricier one that never really offers any discounts. Even though my money was tight, I decided to just go for it. You only live once, right?

It was a great decision because O is now my favourite Cirque show. It is really awesome. The stunts these people perform are simply amazing. I now want to run away and join the circus. That’s how inspired I was.

But before I could enjoy the show, I got into a tussle with the woman beside me. Becky and I didn’t have seats together. Her company had some discounted tickets for seats in the front row. I was in the front row of the balcony. I sat next to a group of women who were sharing a tub of popcorn. I absolutely ABHOR the smell of popcorn. Right before the show started, the woman had to go to the bathroom. She stood up and said, “Excuse me,” but when she said it, she also grabbed my arm and pretty much moved me out of her way. I was in the process of moving so I don’t know what her impatience was. I told her that she didn’t have to put her hands on me. She went to the bathroom and came back and proceeded to make some really nasty comments to her friends. And then we got into an argument. There was quite a bit of “rude b****” and “f*** you,” and “No, f*** YOU” and “greasy popcorn hands” and “don’t get b****-slapped” before the usher came over, looking concerned but luckily the house lights went dark and the show started. After the show as over, I quickly got up and walked away.

I don’t usually have problems like these when I travel and I am disappointed that I allowed myself to be sucked into that mess. It’s very unlikely me. I’m passive aggressive and prefer to give them the death stare. Most people who travel are well-behaved, because they’ve been around and seen things and done things. But there’s always that one.

After the show, all four of us met back up to hang out at one of the outdoor bars at Caesar’s. Tam and Rey had been drinking and Becky wanted to join in on the fun. I relayed to them the story about a drunk college kid I met in the elevator earlier that day. He told me that the light from the Luxor could be seen on the moon. When I asked him how he knew this he told me he had been there before. Randomly, we googled it on our iPhones and turns out you can read a newspaper 10 miles in space by the light, which is claimed to be the brightest in the world. Who knew?

We were seated next to what we thought was a charming couple and their toddler. Now, it’s about 11PM. I know there is a HUGE debate about children in Vegas, which I don’t really want to get into. I don’t have children, neither do Tam and Rey but Becky does. We all agreed that a 3 year old should be home in bed, not wheeling around in a wagon in a bar at Caesar’s Palace.

The little boy with a mohawk was absolutely adorable and way too friendly for my tastes. When we sat down, he came up to us and said, “See the moon!” He was just too cute, so we played with him for a little while. Where are the parents? The mother was at the table next to us, but the father (who was wearing a kilt, and there’s nothing wrong with a kilt, except he looked like he was from Oklahoma and not Scotland) was walking around in a circle with a beer in his hand. The mother did not mind that her son was running up to people, “See the moon?” It just wasn’t safe and after awhile I got nervous for the kid. He was not within arm’s distance of his parents. He was not within shouting distance. He was just too far away. If some weirdo snatched him, the parents wouldn’t be able to react in time.

So what happens? No, the kid didn’t get snatched, thank God, but the mother comes running over and snatches up her son and then runs over the police. At first I thought she was reporting us. We had beers on the table and we were cussing up a storm. Maybe she got offended? Nope. Turns out she claimed to have seen a ChiMo staring too hard at her son. She came back to explain what she had seen. Apparently some unsavoury individual was lurking in the shadows, giving her son <I>that look</i>.

That is when I realised that she was some kind of drug addict, probably a meth head. I see them all the time up in Baltimore and I can usually spot them rather easily. There was indeed a nasty looking man in the area but that is why 3 year olds should be in the safety and comfort of their own homes, not at the bar. The police did detain this man and it turns out he did have a sex offender record, according to the meth head woman. She said the police told her but now looking back, I wonder about that. She said he had been staring at her kid for “three and one hour.” Her words not mine, but I thought it would have been easier if she had just said four hours. He was chased away from the property by the police, but then the mother started making threats about how she was going to stab him with her .32. I was always under the impression that a .32 was a type of gun, not a knife, but what do I know? I am only a part-time gun enthusiast.

The mother was extremely agitated and she had that scratchy thing going on that meth heads do. The father was still walking around in a circle. It all became very bizarre. I see why people prefer to be drunk in Vegas. You kinda have to be in order to cope with all this nonsense. Around 2AM, I took my leave of the whole scene. Becky and Co. went to gamble and I went to bed.

Tomorrow: OMG cookie, Fleet Week Vegas Style, and the naughty man in the elevator.

Trip Report: Las Vegas, June 8-12, Part 2

Thursday

I was up very early Thursday morning because I had booked a tour of the Grand Canyon through Paradise Tours. I was told to be at Excalibur at 645AM. Many people come to Vegas with plans to see the Grand Canyon. I lived in Arizona for a number of years and never saw the dang thing, so I figured I might as well do it now. My friends were not expected to arrive until later that afternoon.

I opted for the South Rim because everything on Trip Advisor said it is what I would expect to see. The distance is much further than the West Rim, but South Rim has better views, according to most of the opinions.

Vegas in the early morning hours is always very interesting. I didn’t realise how close the hotels (Luxor and Excalibur) were (I did not want to use the indoor walk way thing) and I ended up walking a little further than necessary. No matter. I was afforded a view of a middle aged man in a loin cloth and cod piece. I swear to goodness. He was sunbathing, of all things. Yes, it’s very normal for a person to sunbathe in a place like Vegas that has ample sunlight, but people typically do this by the pool or a rooftop, not in the parking lot. He was reclining almost spread eagle in the parking lot between Excalibur and Luxor. He was reading the paper with his t-shirt pulled up to his neck. I don’t know why he didn’t just take it off. He had on a loin cloth thing like the men in that movie 300, only he didn’t look half as good as them. And it was EXTREMELY obvious that he was wearing a codpiece. The proportions were …unnatural. You couldn’t help but to stare, which I think was the point but then again he wasn’t in a well-trafficked area. It was just weird because he wasn’t a beggar. More than likely he was not a bum. He appeared clean and well-kempt, but why was he sunbathing in the parking lot? I don’t know.

I was picked up with no issues for the tour. I must say it wasn’t half bad, but I think I will never do it again. The bus driver, whom the company referred to as a tour guide, wasn’t really a tour guide but more like an impersonator with some really bad jokes. First, he looked and sounded like Chris Farley. Second, he kept trying to impersonate Elvis’s voice, but failed miserably. Every time he got on the microphone to give us some instructions, he ended with, “Thank you, thank you very much,” Elvis-style. It became so annoying that I wanted to puncture my own ear drums.

We went to Hoover Dam first where he kept making “dam” jokes. “There’s the ‘dam’ bridge, and the ‘dam’ visitors’ center.” I became ‘dam’ irritated by the end. The ride to the South Rim is very long, about 5 hours. There were no children on my tour. Indeed I saw very few children when I arrived at the Grand Canyon. Probably their parents know they couldn’t survive the bus trip. On top of all that, Chris Farley made us watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Seriously. I now wanted to blind myself. He said he selected the movie because he did not want to offend or alienate anyone with anything too controversial. I fail to believe that there are no other selections of G or PG rated films that would be appropriate for a wide audience. Couldn’t we just watch Hypno-Toad?

We only had 3 hours at the Grand Canyon. It’s funny that all of these tours promise that they allow the “most time” in the park. All of the tours give you about 3 hours. It’s not much time to see anything. If I ever come back to Grand Canyon, I’ll do so as a separate vacation or maybe I’ll spend the night. I am a keen hiker and I was disappointed that I was limited to the paved trail.

The ride back was TORTURE. Chris Farley asked us to be back on the bus by 345PM. He said he could get us into Vegas at 830, 845 if we all got back on the bus on time. One lovely couple decided that this time hack did not apply to them. They showed up at 415. The driver had already called his boss to ask permission to leave them when they came strolling up, laughing and giggling and cooing at each other. At first there was a concern that they were lost and/or injured but when I saw they were none the worse for wear I was mad. Too bad I would be wrong if I had thrown hot coffee on them. This same couple was also late coming back from the bathroom break. We stopped in Kingman for 10 minutes for a bio break. They were gone 25 minutes. It’s a mystery as to where they actually were since we stopped at one of the smaller gas stations and not the huge travel stations where truckers normally go.

As a result, we got back to Vegas around 915, and then when he began dropping everyone off he started Downtown. Of course, since I was at the Luxor I would be the very last person to get off. I should have gotten off the bus somewhere else and just walked. It was almost 10PM. My friends had arrived and were texting me like crazy. They were at Fireside having a good time and I was stuck with Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

After returning to the hotel I cleaned up very quickly. My friends were going to meet me at Flight in the Luxor for a round of drinks. As I walked through the casino area, I saw a man in Starbucks laid out on the floor. His eyes were closed and he was extremely still. The paramedics were there. Then they went to get a white sheet. I honestly thought the man was dead. So I did what anybody would do. I stopped and got out my camera. I was just about to take pictures of what I thought was a dead body, but then the man started to move. Turns out, he was just trashy drunk. He had stopped at the Starbucks to get his bearings and ended up missing the chair and ramming his head into the pole behind him. Oh well. I still have 3 more days to get a pic of a dead body. Macabre, isn’t it?

My friends and I met up at Flight and finished the night off with wine and beer. I was quite exhausted from the whole Grand Canyon experience so I called it a night around 1AM.

Tomorrow: Mon Ami Gabi, business in Spanish, cat fight at the Bellagio, and a pair of meth heads.

Trip Report: Las Vegas, June 8-12

Our heroine, Worf’s Baby Mama is a 32 year old female who has never been described as the life of the party. Her friends are curious as to why she wants to visit Vegas since she does not drink, gamble or stay out all hours of the night. Worf’s Baby Mama is in Vegas to meet up with her very good friend from the military. This lucky friend has received a comped stay at Caesar’s Palace as well as tickets to see Celine Dion.

Worf’s Baby Mama arrives in Las Vegas around 830PM after a long, annoying flight from Washington, DC. Aboard the aircraft is a three year old who shouted and whined the entire flight. The parents of this toddler are young 20-somethings who have difficulty getting the child under control. Worf’s Baby Mama does not drink but is considering a double shot of Tequila to calm her nerves.

And so our story begins….

Wednesday night

I don’t care much for children and was thoroughly annoyed by the time I got off the plane. The evil flight attendant made me check my bag in DC because the overhead bins were full by the time I was allowed to board. If the airline hadn’t jumped on this checked bag fee thing then we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I promise I am not going to get in a tirade about that.

Already I am off to a bad start. Even worse, I got tunnelled by the cab driver. I tried my best to tell him not to take me through the bloody tunnel but he started up on this long-winded speech about how he used to be in the military and he came to Vegas on leave one weekend and never left. He wouldn’t shut up and I couldn’t interject and the cab ride from the airport to the Luxor was almost $25. I am on a tight budget because I am just off a Hawaiian vacation and my bank account is starting to look like the Federal Reserves: empty. To add insult to injury he gives me VIP club tickets to JET. I’m thinking that I’m getting something really cool so I don’t feel so bad I got tunnelled but I realise how utterly worthless these tickets are. Even the vagrants can get VIP tickets. : (

The check-in for Luxor was pretty long but I didn’t mind it. I was upgraded to a Deluxe room in the east tower. The view was garbage but I liked the room. There were a few minor annoyances. A few of the wall sockets did not work. It took me an hour to figure out why my laptop battery was draining even though it was supposedly plugged in. Second, the hotel offers wired internet service. The ethernet cord is plugged in behind the television, across from the bed. The cord does reach all over the room but unless you are standing up at the television with your laptop, the cord will stretch across, causing a trip hazard. If there was someone else in the room with me, like some kind of hottie, he might trip over it. But if I did have a hottie in the room with me, I probably wouldn’t be on my laptop.

Anyway, I set myself up immediately. I walked across the street to the AM/PM to get a jug of water and a bottle of wine. I mentioned that I don’t really drink. I am an oenophile, but I don’t mess with hard liquor or beer. It’s just cheaper to buy a bottle of wine (or the poison of your choice) at a liquor store than to buy drinks at the bar, but everybody does their own thing. Some people enjoy the experience of $11 a drink, plus tip.

You know they say that flying east is a beast, but for me flying west is horrible. By the time I got back to the hotel I was absolutely exhausted. I think it looks bad to go to bed earlier than midnight in Vegas and I tried, I really did but I ended up crashing by 1145.

At approximately 4AM, I awoke to screaming and shouting and a loud banging noise. New Jersey Steve and his friends had returned to their room after a night of imbibing and partying. How did I know this man’s name was Steve? Well, because his friends started shouting, “Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!” leading me to believe that Steve was chugging something, or involved in a cage match. Enthused by all the excitement, I began to shout “Steve! Steve! Steve!” as well, until I realised that I was not invited to the party.

Steve was very obviously from New Jersey. His accent was thick despite his drunken speech. Steve and his friends partied for about another hour, but I didn’t bother going back to sleep.

Instead, I got comfortable in bed and did some homework. Yeah, I know. Who comes to Vegas and does homework? I do. I know. I know. You don’t have to say it. My life is sad.

Tomorrow: Grand Canyon, the “dead” man at Starbucks and a cod piece.

Trip Report: Honolulu, HI, Part 5

Sea turtle coming out for some sun

Day 6

I woke up feeling slightly depressed because it is my last day in Hawaii. I decided that there was nothing else for it but to start planning a third trip as soon as I got back home.

For my final excursion I decided to do a circle island tour. For those of you who read my trip report from last year, you may remember me telling you about the circle island tour through a company called Explore Hawaii and how it was the worst tour I had ever been on. Because of that experience, I decided to do the tour on my own.

My flight out of Honolulu departed at 10PM that night. I had more than enough time to troll about the island. I checked out of my hotel at 7AM and took the bus to the airport car rental locations. I had booked a car rental through http://www.discounthawaiicarrental.com/ at the suggestion of other TA users. This was very easy, convenient and cheap. I rented a small economy car and was upgraded to a Jeep, and I only paid $27 after all taxes and fees. Can’t go wrong with that. I went back to the hotel to get my luggage and then I set out on my adventure.

I used the suggested circle island route that is posted here in the right margin of this forum. I tweaked it a little bit because the directions are a bit vague. The night before in my hotel room, I used google maps to route my way around the island. If anyone is interested, I’d be more than glad to send you the addresses I used to get around, but it’s really quite simple. Not too much thinking involved.

I started in Waikiki and headed for Pali Lookout point. I was a bit disappointed in this. First, it was overcast and gloomy. My pictures didn’t come out well. Second, there is a $3 parking fee. I know I said not to complain about fees, but I seemed to the be the only person paying this fee. There were several others pulling up at the same time as I did and none of them paid the fee. I don’t enjoy getting surprise fines and tickets in the mail so I paid, but really I was only there about 15 minutes. That’s even more expensive than a standard meter in DC. Oh well.

Before I go any further, I am going to apologise for misspelled and missing place names. Since I was driving I wasn’t able to really document everything I did unlike when I was walking and on the bus.

I left Pali Lookout point and continued on. There is another lookout point that is free (but also not as good) further down. I stopped here and took a few pictures but really the grass is so high that it blocks any sort of decent view. I continued on to Kamehameha Highway. My first major stop was Kaneohe. According to the suggested TA route, I went to the free koi pond next to Haleiwa Joe’s. To be honest, I should have just skipped this. The water was very murky, making it difficult to see the fish. I was eaten alive by mosquitoes and there was nothing of any other interest to be seen. Because it was so early in the morning the restaurant was closed.

I got onto Kanekili (I know that is spelled wrong) Highway to look for the Byodo-In at the Valley of the Temples. I completely blew past it because I didn’t precisely know what I was looking for. According to the map it should have been a few miles, but I had gone quite a ways and was entering Kualoa property before I realised that I might have gone too far. No matter. Nothing is that serious. I ended up at a macadamia nut farm. I think I went to this place last year. It’s near Kualoa Ranch. They have an inexpensive tour of their farm, as well as a whole treasure trove of goodies and junk to be bought. I bought Kona coffee for my parents, macadamia nut popcorn for my sister, toffee covered macadamia nuts for myself, and some orange mango tea for my best girlfriend. I also bought the raw sugar because the woman told me that it would go great with the coffee and I’m such a sucker for a good sales pitch so I said, sure, load it up. She also gave me directions back to the Byodo-In temple. See, if you’re on an organised tour and you miss something it’s just too bad. When you do it on your own you can go back.

I’m glad I did. The Byodo-In Temple was absolutely wonderful. The temple is behind a series of carefully manicured garden of final resting place. The whole area is very peaceful and scenic. I think it looks so different because there are no tombstones, just small markers and a tube for flowers. I saw discrete signs stating flowers would be removed after a week. Sometimes you see cemeteries littered with old, dead flowers given the place such an air of despondent depression. Valley of the Temples, though a big graveyard, does not seem so gloomy and sad.

There is a $3 (or it might be $5) fee to enter Byodo-In Temple which is a replica of the original temple that was built to honour the first Japanese immigrants to the United States. Whatever your religious affiliation, it doesn’t matter when you come here. It is nothing but peace and tranquility. The grounds are neatly kept, with wild birds (swans and peacocks) running all over the place. Do heed the warning signs. These birds are wild. Do not feed them and keep your children nearby just in case. Swans can be vicious when threatened.

There are small ponds with DOZENS of carp. It is funny how they all congregate together in the corner of the pool. You may go inside the temple as long as you remove your shoes. You can make an offering to Buddha for prayers. On the left side of the temple there is a large bell that you can ring for long life. To the right of the temple is a gift shop with pretty decent prices. I spent quite a bit of time at the temple, maybe because it was so peaceful and relaxing. It’s strange because the day was shaping up to be quite hot, but as soon as I entered the temple grounds suddenly there was a cool breeze and just enough cloud to take away the glare of the sun.

Upon leaving Valley of the Temples, I got back on the road to head towards Kualoa Regional Park. This is across from Kualoa Ranch where they do some pretty interesting tours, especially if you are a Lost fan. I might do some of these next year. At Kualoa Regional Park, I took pictures of Chinaman’s Hat. There was a wedding party out here. From a distance, I watched couple exchange vows. How very romantic.

I got back onto Kamehameha Highway. I stopped at a series of beaches. I apologise for not getting the names, but there were quite a few. You will see all these beaches easily from the road. I stopped at almost every single one of them to sit and hangout. I had all day so I was in no hurry. Some are quite different than the others. Some have more of a beach area. Some are rocky. Some are sandy. Some are clearly for surfers, while others are more for sunbathers and swimmers.

I continued driving along. If you are in a mad rush, I’d advise to go on a tour where you’ll be hustled along. There were many other people in their own vehicles obviously touring as well because I ran into the same people several times during the day. I kept seeing a newlywed Australian couple in a convertible. There was also a newlywed Korean couple but they were being chauffered in a limousine! Lucky them.

There really is some fantastic scenery along Kamehameha Highway and I encourage you to stop at your leisure. There are all kinds of roadside vendors. When you are in your vehicle, you can do what you want. If you want to see what every pedler has on display, you can. I bet whatever they are selling would make a better souvenir than anything you could get in Waikiki.

My next major stop was Laie. Here you can find the Polynesian Cultural Center, the Mormon Temple and BYU-Hawaii. I skipped the Mormon Temple because I went last year. I went to Laie Beach Park and hung out there for awhile. I had some snacks with me and I didn’t want to eat in the car. There is also a lookout point around here, but I didn’t go. Laie is a small town, quaint and just totally different than Honolulu.

After Laie was Kahuku. There are some great beach parks in this area, as well as several “famous” shrimp trucks. Giovanni’s and Romy’s (??) are among the popular ones. There is also one called Fumi’s, but I ate here last year and I thought it was unpleasant. This time I stopped at Giovanni’s and had the garlic shrimp. There is another truck in the same patio area that sells shave ice and smoothies. You will also find vendors selling t-shirts, tiki dolls and other “priceless artefacts.” I bought some t-shirts for my nephew while waiting for my shrimp plate. It wasn’t terribly crowded when I went and there is plenty of seating. I was quite pleased with Giovanni’s shrimp plate but so far I think Blue Water in Waikiki is better.

Finished with lunch, I got back on the road. The next beach I wanted to go to was Waimea but like someone had told me, it was very crowded when I got here. There was no parking in the lot and most of the parking on the street was full. If I was back home in my banged up personal car, I would have taken a chance, but since I was in a rental I was loathe to park it some place it might get dented. Disappointed, I continued on. I managed to skip past Waialua Bay, but once I realised I had past it, I didn’t bother going back.

In Haleiwa, I parked the car and wandered through the small beach town. It is as quaint as a post card. It’s like this place you see in movies. Everything is touristy, but not a cheesy bad way. There are several blocks of shops and restaurants. I wandered through most of them, buying a few souvenirs here and there. I stopped for second lunch at this place called Haleiwa Eats Thai. It wasn’t spectacular, but it wasn’t the worst place ever. There are other places that are highly recommended. I was just in the mood for Thai.

I spent almost two hours in Haleiwa, so if you are interested in coming up here I wouldn’t bother with The Bus. You really should rent a car for at least a day so you can see the entire North Shore. You don’t want to be fooled up with timetables and annoying tour operators. When I was finished shopping and eating, i went to the post office right there and mailed everything off. Then I got on the road towards the Dole Plantation.

I went last year but this time I was actually able to see everything. There is a free pineapple garden and there are several amusements to be enjoyed for a small fee. If it is just you and a significant other, it wouldn’t break the bank. If you are with a large family, you might just pick one activity. There is a pineapple, a plantation tour and a train ride. I didn’t do any of these because it was just so blessedly hot. (I swear I don’t remember it being this hot last year.) Many people will suggest you get a Dole whip, and I do too, but you should get in line for it first and then browse the store. The line is always long at the concession stand.

Amazingly, even though I took my time, driving at a snail’s pace and stopping for every little thing I saw, it was only about 1PM. I started at 730. I still had so much time. That was when I realised that I had missed the sea turtles. According to the TA driving guide there is a beach with sea turtles. Since I had until 8PM to be back to the airport, I turned around and went back to find the beach.

I’m so glad I did. It was very crowded. The whole street was lined with cars. When I got onto the beach I discovered two big sea turtles out for some sunbathing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen turtles so big. Not even at the zoo or Sea World. I was kind of in awe of it and I stared for a little while. There is a conservationist (???) on the beach to help keep tourists from disturbing the turtles. They put a red string in the sand and make sure no one crosses it. This is good because petting and all that would annoy the poor creatures. Most of the tourists were foreign and the conservationist saw that I was very obviously American. She asked me if I had any questions. Just to be polite, I asked her something and she went into a whole discussion of sea turtles.

It turned out to be a very interesting discussion and quite informative. She obviously knew what she was talking about. Now I know how long they live, their mating habits, how far they can swim and the whole gamut. While she was giving me a dissertation on the turtles, another one came out of the sea! It was so awesome. I was really glad that I turned around.

When I was finished on the beach I started to go back the other way towards Waikiki, because I was looking for a lighthouse that I had seen on one of my random bus trips, but since I didn’t know the name or where I had seen it I decided not to risk it. I turned around and went through Haleiwa again and back down to Honolulu. There was rush hour traffick by the time I got back down there but to be honest, Honolulu traffick is nothing compared to DC traffick. But if you are from some small town somewhere it might make you hectic.

I still had a ton of time so I kind of drove aimlessly through Honolulu. I went to Fedex Kinko’s to print my tickets. Then I went to Kahala Mall which is nowhere near as impressive Ala Moana Center. In my aimless wandering I finally figured out where Leonard’s Bakery is. I didn’t stop in though. I had already had too much junk that day. Maybe next year. It was getting on 7PM when I decided to make it for the airport. I refilled the gas and changed into my airport clothes in a parking lot. By the time I dropped the car off it was 815 and time to say good bye to Hawaii.

I hope you all have enjoyed my trip reports. Hopefully you can use it to plan your trips a little better. Below are some links to my photos and a few videos I took of the Hale Koa luau.

Mahalo for reading and aloha!

Trip Report: Honolulu, HI, Part 4

Manoa Falls

Day 5

Did another sunrise run along Ala Wai Canal. I didn’t put in heavy mileage like I wanted to because I was slightly sore from yesterday’s Koko Head hike, but I knew that was a possibility. Went to Eggs’n’Things for breakfast again. They are starting to know me in there. After breakfast I was going to walk to Wal-Mart again but I decided to catch the bus since it was right there with no waiting. On Sundays the buses have a different schedule and some routes go down to only once an hour.

On the bus I met a large family headed to Diamond Head. I overheard them and I pointed out that they were going in the wrong direction. I also noticed that they were accompanied by a man in a wheel chair. I said, “I don’t mean to be insensitive but he will not have a good time at Diamond Head. He cannot go up and I do not believe there are wheelchair accommodations for him. He’ll just be sitting out in the sun waiting for you to come back.” They seemed very surprised when I said this. Apparently someone told them that the hike up Diamond Head was paved. I replied that unless they made some changes since last year, I do not believe that information to be correct. So my tip is to do some research if you have special needs. They would have wasted so much time, because guess what? We were on the dreaded 42 bus!

I left those nice people at Ala Moana Mall with directions how to get to Diamond Head if they still wanted to go and I walked across the street to Wal-Mart. I needed tape so I can send off all my goodies that I got at the Chinese Bakery. (The sweet bread arrived yesterday and I’ve already demolished half the bag.)

On the way to Wal-Mart I saw a man wearing see-through pants, and when I say see-through, I mean SEE-THROUGH. I think these pants were like women’s tights actually, meant to be worn as an undergarment or with something else, because when I said see-through, I truly meant it: full frontal exposure. At first I was confused by what I was seeing and then I was like…. uhm, yeah…. Thankfully there were no children around. It was 7AM. He was not a bum. He was clean with a nice hair cut and a cup of Starbucks. So he must have been in the Starbucks next to the Wal-Mart and they did not notice that his [whoops!!] was highly visible, and I don’t think by accident.

I caught the #5 to Manoa Falls trail. You can drive here but then you have to pay to park at the restaurant at the trailhead. I know some people are complaining about the parking fee but the restaurant owns that parking lot, not the state. You can either park in the neighbourhood and walk, or you can get on the bus, or you can pay the fee and get over it.

There are paid tours for this hike, but I do not believe they are necessary. The trail is easy to follow and highly accessible. It was absolutely marvelous. I’m told that if it hasn’t been raining the falls can be disappointing, but it must have been raining in the early morning hours because the ground was still wet. It can be a very muddy hike so be prepared, if you’re interested in this sort of thing.

The air was very fresh and clean from the rains. The foliage is thick and verdant. It’s like from a postcard, so beautiful and scenic. I hear birds chirping in the background, roosters crowing (you know the island is lousy with the wild chickens) and crickets chirruping constantly because they don’t know night from day being in the shadows like that all the time. There is a scent that I cannot name wafting through the air. I wish I could bottle it up and take it home.

There is some light climbing involved, nothing strenuous, over some large tree roots and rocks. Plus, since it had been raining all morning the path was soaking. I don’t mind getting my feet wet but I draw the line at being ankle-deep in standing water. If you’re a brisk walker it’ll take you about 35 minutes to get up to the top, and this is not a hard climb like Diamond Head or any of the other hikes I did. It’s relaxing.

There was no one out there but me and God. It was like I had the whole place to myself, as if I was the very first human on the earth and God had yet to create all others. You can hear the falls before you see them and when you go around that corner, it’ll just take your breath away. The falls were lush and full, rushing down into an inviting pool below. (TIP: Heed the warning signs. Do not swim in the pool.) I was warm from the walk and I did so much want to jump into the pool but I believe they put warning signs for a reason. I contented myself to take hundreds of pictures, and I really enjoyed it because I was alone. There was no one to get in the way of my shots, nobody to interrupt my thoughts.

There is a little bench and I sat there for 30 minutes before I decided the mosquitoes were draining me of my life’s blood. (TIP: Definitely bring some insect repellent. I was eaten alive.) I started back and none too soon because a couple was coming up the path, followed by a larger group and other people. That private moment was lost and I looked at them resentfully as they had invaded what I had come to think of as my own private space.

(TIP: Do bring a poncho or some other type of wet weather gear.) As soon as I exited the trail it began to rain in earnest. I was completely soaked through. I’m glad I went to wal-mart because I had a plastic bag to wrap my camera in, but nothing for me. Thankfully, the bus driver who had brought me out there gave me a list of times he would be back. He told me to time my trip so that I would not have to sit out there waiting. The #5 only runs once an hour on Sundays. I had planned to go to the Lyon Arboretum which is next to the trailhead, but the Arboretum is closed on Sundays.

I only had to wait about 8 minutes but that was a very drenching 8 minutes. By the time I got on the bus it was like I had taken a bath in my clothing. There were other tourists on the bus. One couple was prepared for the rain; the other couple was not. They decided to go to Manoa another day.

I went back to the hotel for clean up and lunch. I ate the leftover Fatty’s I bought the night before (my hotel room had fridge and microwave.) It’s time for another adventure. I was truly determined to see other beaches on the island. I did a bit more research this time and discovered the Beach buses, #22 and #23. You can take these buses to Sandy Beach, Hanauma Bay and others in the area.

It was a very bizarre 15 minutes waiting for the bus across from OHANA East. First, two vagrants argued fiercely. Truthfully, it was rather amusing because they were obviously rip-roaring drunk. They were also related, apparently brother and sister. They argued like any pair of teenage siblings, except they were clearly not teenagers anymore. Then there was a young surfer kid trying to find his way to Sandy Beach. He asked anybody passing by for directions but almost everyone was a tourist. Then he tried to sit on the bench with me and several other patrons when there was quite obviously no more room on the bench.

Lastly, the funniest thing was this guy whom I assumed was a Japanese tourist. He was very well dressed in tennis whites and a pair of tennis rackets. He was not a Japanese tourist but an American. He saw me staring at the two drunk vagrants and he came over to talk to me. First he said that he tries to look out for tourists. He asked the bums to lower their voices and to behave themselves. Then he launched into a well-detailed conversation about the potential presidential candidates. He talked about his liberal views and his conservative friends and his having to hide his political leanings so that he would not be ostracised. He said he was a political scientist and had to be careful about his job. It was so funny. Then he said, “I can tell you’re in love with Obama.”

I was confused by this statement. What do you mean in love? He meant IN LOVE, like I wanted to marry the president. How can I want to marry someone I have never even met, don’t know anything about. He just smiled and said, “I can tell. Love is in the air.” Then he got on a bus. Weird.

I rode the first bus (#22) all the way out to Sea Life Park and walked across the street to whatever beach that is. I sat out there for a little while, taking pictures. The waves are still a little bit high and there were some surfers, but you can tell the season is coming to an end as far as surfing is concerned. I went back to Sea Life Park and took the #23 to Hanauma Bay. (TIP: Hanauma Bay is closed on Tuesdays, therefore these buses do not run on that day.)

Hanauma Bay is lovely. Unfortunately, I did not actually go down onto the beach. Remember, I don’t swim or snorkel so there was little point in me paying $7.50 just to walk around. I sat instead on the wall up top, just enjoying the scenery. While I was taking pictures, a lady came up to me to strike up a conversation. She is one of the vendors out there selling cold drinks. She said I looked like a vegetarian because, “Vegetarians are nice people and you look like a nice person.” Then she launched into a whole tirade on vegetarianism and places where I could get free vegetarian meals. She gave me a veggie cookbook as long as I “promise not to throw it away.” I was a little bit annoyed by her because I was getting some great shots but she talked so much that three buses loaded with tourists arrived and clogged up the whole scene. By the time the tourists were getting ready to leave, the bus back to Waikiki had arrived. The #22 and #23 are about once every 45 minutes to an hour on Sundays.

It was around 530 when I got back to the hotel and I was quite hungry for dinner. I had eaten my fair share of lunch plates, time for something different. It’s my last full day in Hawaii so I might as well go out in style. There are many wonderful places to eat at by the shore, where you can watch the sunset with a few good drinks, but since I am a solo traveller I kinda did not want to do this because I didn’t want to look weird being by myself. It’s a sense of being romantic and feeling dumb because you’re alone. I have no qualms dining out by myself but sometimes there is a line to be drawn.

I was in the mood for a good steak. There are plenty of great steakhouses in Honolulu but I didn’t want to leave Waikiki so I settled on Hy’s, a place that came highly recommended. Oh boy, that food was deee-licious. I’m going to write a review for TA, but I’ll say this is one of those old world traditional steakhouses. I had a teriyaki marinated steak with scallops in some kind of Thai peanut sauce with a side of sauteed spinach and rice, and several glasses of wine. For dessert I had this delicious confection of coffee ice cream in a hard candy shell. I spent a small fortune. To be honest, I think I spent more on that one dinner than I did for all the breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks I had the whole time I was there. Seriously but it was so worth it.

I was STUFFED!! I had to take a stroll around the neighbourhood to reset myself. Really, there’s no reason to eat like that but every now and again it’s not so bad. I started packing when I got back to the hotel room and was kinda sad because my vacation was coming to an end.

But wait… there’s more!

Tomorrow: Circle Island tour, Haleiwa town and sea turtles!

Trip Report: Honolulu, HI Part 3

Hanauma Bay from Koko Head

Day 4

I was up early again on Saturday. I skipped out on a morning run knowing that I was to hike Koko Crater Trail. I had heard that it was a doozy so no need for over-exercise. I also skipped breakfast, opting to eat my mochi and the sweet bread that was intended for my sister.

I took the bus to Koko Head. I really find getting around on the bus quite easy. If you haven’t heard, buying a 4-day bus pass is really the way to go if you’re not renting a car. Use your smartphone to find alternate routes and read the bus signs where you are. You’ll find that there is usually more than one bus to get where you’re going. I met some Australian people who were waiting for the #8 to take them to the Ala Moana. Yes, the #8 will get them there but so will half a dozen other buses.

The bus ride to Koko Head was fairly long but I didn’t mind. I am getting to see other parts of Honolulu. The downtown part where the office buildings are isn’t so bad, but then there’s an area that looks like any inner city, and then finally there’s the suburb part that looks far more pleasant.

When I got to Koko Head I almost chickened out when I saw how big that mountain was. Oh sure, there are people who climb Everest and McKinley and Kilimanjaro but I am not one of those people. I consider myself to be in moderate physical shape. I exercise most days of the week and enjoy running and hiking but this thing was like a vertical climb into the heavens. What have I gotten myself into?

I just took a deep breath and wound my way up to the base of the trail. So, if you don’t know, the Koko Crater Trail is basically an old railroad line up the side of Koko Head. I wonder who decided that a railroad needed to go OVER this thing. Why not around? I don’t know. The ties are still there, packed in dirt. People run and up down this trail all day long, sometimes two and three times a day for physical exercise because it is a serious workout.

Some people have tried to count the steps but it appears that nobody can agree. Some say about 1000, some say closer to 1100. I’ll just say 1000 because that’s a nice even number. (TIP: If you do decide to hike this, sunscreen, water and a hat are a must. There is no shade and very little rest area.)

Steps 1-100: Well, this isn’t that bad. Why were you freaking out? There are small children out here. What can be so bad?

Steps 101-300: Okay, yeah, this is a bit of a workout. I can feel my glutes burning but nothing any worse than the half marathon you just did.

Step 310: Whoa, wait a minute. Heart rate is WAY up. I had to pull over to the side to rest a moment. Okay, so this might be a little harder than I thought.

Steps 400-600: Just put one foot in front of the other. Don’t pay any attention to Old Man River that just ran past you like it’s nothing. I am funny about showing excessive skin in public but it was so hot that I had to push my bizarre inhibitions to the back seat. I had to take off my t-shirt because I was sweltering under that 100% BLACK cotton thing. Don’t worry, I had a tank top on.

Steps 700-750: Here comes the worst part. This part of the trail that isn’t packed in dirt, but more like a bridge. It’s really only like six or seven feet off the ground but to me it seemed a long way down. I tried to be brave and just run across it like everyone else, but I have never been very sure-footed. Sometimes I lose balance and I didn’t want to fall. I crawled instead.

Steps 751-800: *long string of curse words* OMG. Am I at the top yet? How much further?

Steps 801-900: I. Can’t. Go. Any. Further. Calves hurt. Glutes hurt. Thighs hurt. Mama.

Steps 900-999: Almost there. Just a little bit more. You can do it. You can. You really can.

Step 1000: WOW!!! Look at that view! Totally awesome.

I’m telling you, it was amazing. First, a brief rain shower had moved in and the clouds were so close it was as if I could reach up and touch them. Then suddenly it was clear and beautiful with an excellent view of Hanauma Bay. I sat up there for almost an hour, just taking it all in. The wind blew fiercely while I finished off the rest of that sweet bread. A father and his two sons joined me in my picnic and then a married couple. Nobody was talking. We were just enjoying ourselves.

So the crazy thing is that I got to the top exactly around 12 noon which is 6PM east coast time, and all my friends back home were talking about the end of the world stuff. My friends were sending me text messages about the supposed end of the world and the volcanic disturbance in Iceland. I thought to myself, well, if the world is going to end then let it end because I am on top of it right now. It made me think of that scene from the movie 2012 where Woody Harrelson awaits the end of the world atop a mountain in Yosemite. My view was much better than this though.

The climb down was just as bad as the climb up. Your momentum gets the best of you and you start running down faster than you really want to. I saw a few people fall, but nobody went rolling down the mountainside. (TIP: Hikers coming down have the right away.) Another tip is to be careful of who you bring up here. I did see hikers with small children whom they had to carry because the little ones got tired. When you get to the top there is no guard rail or anything and it’s a long way down to the bottom. I saw a couple with a baby in one of those things that you hook on your back. I hope they put sunscreen on the babies because the sun is brutal with no shade whatsoever.

After a quick stop at the hotel to freshen up, I stopped for lunch at the Blue Water Seafood truck on Kuhio. I ate here several times last year and their food is always so delicious. Then I strolled over to the park next to the zoo because I had heard about an art festival going on there. There were many local vendors hawking their wares, everything from earrings made with real butterfly wings to homemade macadamia nut cookies. There was clothing and sculptures and jewellery boxes and paintings and all sorts of things. I took my time browsing but in the end I did not buy anything. I have my fair share of Hawaii souvenirs. I’d rather have the memories.

I hopped on a bus to Ala Moana Mall with no real intention of shopping. I know the Aussies like to come and shop here in the US, but to me everything is just ridiculously overpriced. We have many of the same stores here in DC or in close by NYC, so I didn’t feel pressed to get anything. I just wanted to wander. They do have a pretty expansive food court. I bought some greasy dumplings from the bento place in the corner. After all that grease I decided I wanted something sweet.

So guess what? I went back to China Town to the bakery. Yeah, I couldn’t resist. I felt like such a pig because the woman recognised me from the day before. She said, “We have more buns for you.” Thanks! Indeed, I bought three more buns and some more sweet bread to replace what was intended for my sister. I also got more mochi. I grew up on mochi and I can only find it in Hawaii.

I had nothing else really planned and I still did not want to go to any museums so I got the bright idea that I should travel to another part of the island and visit some of the other beaches. (TIP: Do some research before you just hop on any bus.) I saw a bus, the number 42 that said Ewa Beach. I got a beach towel from the front desk and hopped on.

What a mistake!!!

It was the bus ride from hell. According Google Transit, it was supposed to be about a 45 minute ride to Ewa Beach. Wrong! It was almost two hours and when I got there, there wasn’t any beach. Maybe it was around the corner or just up the road but when the bus got to the terminus there was definitely no beach. By the time I got there I was not in the mood to ask anybody for directions, because that bus ride was so long that I actually got a cramp in my leg from sitting in the same position for an extended period of time. My cell phone was about to die because I had been playing Angry Birds for the better part of two hours. I just wanted to go back to the hotel.

I know the locals were looking at me like where is this lady going with her big stupid sunhat? Ugh. Worse, I actually had to get back to Waikiki! Another two hours on that bus? If I had been wearing regular shoes instead of flip flops, I might have tried to walk back. Thankfully the bus driver told me I could take one of the Express buses. Thank God, this was about an hour long instead of two hours. By the time I got back to Waikiki I was frozen solid (too much AC) and annoyed that I had wasted a good afternoon. So much for an adventure. Well, I guess that’s an adventure in and of itself.

But wait…. There’s more!

Tomorrow: Manoa Falls, a political scientist, Hanauma Bay, and Hy’s Steakhouse

Trip Report: Honolulu, HI, Part 2

View of Diamond Head

Day 3

Now it’s time to really enjoy my vacation! I’m well rested and energised after getting up to do some aerobics in my hotel room. I booked a tour with Oahu Nature Tours and they were supposed to pick me up at 7. I didn’t want to go out for a run and get too far away.

I chose the Mountain Rainforest Adventure. It’s a four mile hike up some trails leading to the Kalawahine Trail. I did a tour with them last year and I really liked it. This one was just as good. The views were absolutely stunning. We had to drive way up Tantalus Drive and then climb through the rainforest for a little bit. The guides for Oahu Nature Tours are extremely knowledgeable. From what I understand, most of them have a background in ecology or environmental studies. They really know what they’re talking about, or at least they have a good way of faking it. I hiked with a guide, a man from Suriname currently living in the Netherlands and a family from Texas. The husband pronounced Waikiki as Wacky-Key.

When I came last year this is what I really wanted to do more of, this hiking and getting out into nature. I like Waikiki because I like modern conveniences and the proximity to everything but Hawaii is really so much more than fancy shopping centres and ABC stores. I was really having a blast and was sorry the tour had to end. If you’re interested, do remember to bring comfortable walking shoes. The man from Suriname wore shoes like gentlemen wear to work. He slipped a couple of times, and so did I, but I think his shoes were ruined afterward.

The tour took most of the morning, returning to Waikiki around noon. I stopped for some Szechuan shrimp at Fatty’s. I love this place. It’s cheap and fast. I ate on the balcony of my hotel room where I contemplated attempting to find the bakery in China Town I went to last year.

Okay, so let me tell you about this bakery. They have DELICIOUS pineapple buns. When I went to China Town last year I just happened upon the place, but I didn’t think to get the name of the place, or even where it was located. There was no way I could ask someone. Can you imagine, “Yeah, so there’s this place in China Town. It’s a bakery. Don’t know the name or the street or anything around it. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

When I go on vacation I like to go on an adventure so I said why not? I got on the bus to China Town and walked up and down every street. It was a great way to learn the area, I’ll say that. There are many great places to eat down here, besides the bakeries. It is also a great place for souvenirs and other trinkets. Beware of panhandlers and I was also told that after dark this is not the best area to loiter in.

Before I left the hotel I did look up several bakeries on the internet. I went to all of them but none of them were my bakery. Finally, I was ready to give up. It was very hot and I was tired, but then I saw something that looked familiar. I saw a “buy one, get one free” sign and I remembered that last year the lady told me that everything was buy one, get one free.

I FOUND MY BAKERY. For the record, the place is called China Express and it’s on the corner of Hotel and Mauna Kea Street, next to the police station. I bought two pineapple buns, some mochi and a whole bunch of sweet bread, with the intention of sending some to my sister. I actually ate all of this before the weekend was up.

Happy as a clam I headed back to Waikiki.

There are many things to do in Waikiki on a Friday night from hula shows to the torch lighting to twilight tours at the Honolulu Zoo. I chose not to participate in any of them because I preferred to wander around aimlessly instead. I like to people watch and discover odd little things. There is a farmer’s market at King’s Village on Fridays. I wended through there and bought some crepes from one of the vendors, then I stopped to have a conversation with a man about said crepes. He was French and didn’t know that he could get crepes on the island. He actually thought they were taquitos because they were so small.

I stopped outside a bar to listen to a band play. I don’t know who they were, but they were pretty good. I didn’t go into the bar because I wanted to stay outside where it was warm and sunny. It had been quite hot in the afternoon but the evening had brought this breeze in. It was both cool and warm, if that makes any sense.

I walked all the way down to San Souci beach and sat there watching the sunset. I took about a hundred pictures of the sunset, of a guy paddle boarding, of the many dozens of sailboats and the water breaking against the shore. (I’ll post some later.)

It was all very relaxing and I could have sat there forever but it was getting dark and it was time to head back to the hotel. I had bought a bottle of wine at an ABC store, so I enjoyed a glass or three on the balcony while watching the street traffic below. A perfect way to end the evening.

But wait…there’s more!

Tomorrow: Koko Head, an art festival, the bakery revisited and the bus ride from hell.

Trip Report: Honolulu, HI, Part 1

Man climbing up a tree like a monkey

Day 1

The first day and a half on the island was largely uneventful. I landed in Honolulu around 230PM on Wednesday. I didn’t check any bags so I headed immediately outside to find the Roberts airport-Waikiki shuttle, which I prepaid. (TIP: The ride is $9 one-way and $15 round trip.)

There are ground workers in yellow jackets to assist you with the shuttles and she stopped the driver when she saw me running. The girl in the yellow jacket asked the driver if he would take me. I thought to myself, “Why does she need to ask?” Unless, of course, the shuttle was full. The driver was extraordinarily rude. He said, “Oh, for the love of God, hurry it up. I don’t have all day.” Then he asked what hotel I was headed to. When I told him, he started cursing. I don’t know what I did to upset him but I’m sure he’ll get over it. I got on the shuttle to find that there were only six other people. This isn’t one of those small shuttles; this is the big bus that you see driving around Waikiki. I really have no idea why he was so put out.

Got to the hotel without any further incident. I was a bit skeptical about my selection. I am always quite cheap when it comes to accommodations. I know there are some nice hotels out there, but I just can’t see paying for something that I will hardly use. I am never in the room and even though I whine about having all the amenities, I never use them. But when I say cheap, I don’t mean dumpster diving. I chose the Aqua Waikiki Pearl, which had so-so reviews. I was pleasantly surprised. A review on TA is pending.

I got situated then went to look for something to eat. I wanted Thai and found Siam Village on Kuhio and Lewers. The food was pretty good but nothing to write home about. I hear the same people operate Siam Garden on Ala Moana and this is much better.

I struggled to stay awake but I did not want to go to bed at 630, so I walked around Waikiki for a little while. I came across a hula show outside the International Marketplace. Apparently they give free hula shows in the Marketplace and upstairs on the second floor of the Waikiki Town Center on certain days of the week. They were advertising for their show. Unfortunately, I could not keep my eyes open any longer.

Day 2

It’s funny how you make all these plans to do all these spectacular things and then suddenly your plans don’t go anything like it. I planned a full itinerary for my second trip to Hawaii, but after I arrived I knew that I wasn’t in for all of that. My company is notoriously stingy with its time off policy so I had to work 12 hour days in order to earn enough leave time to go on the trip in the first place. I had worked nine days straight, most of them 10-12 hour days. I was absolutely exhausted. I knew that I would probably not enjoy myself as much if I started ripping and running through Oahu at breakneck pace. I started cutting out things. I axed the trips to the museums. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough of museums for right now. I live in DC. If I need a museum fix, there are plenty.

So Thursday, I decided to spend time on the beach, something I never do. I don’t tan. I don’t swim. I don’t participate in water activities so there is really no reason for me to go to the beach. I know you’re probably wondering, why even go to Hawaii in the first place? Why not?

I woke up at 430AM. I wake up early back home and this is a habit I’m never going to break. I did try to wait for a little bit of sun before heading out. There was a thin glimmer of sunlight in the eastern horizon as I started a run through Waikiki. It was very peaceful. There were very few people out, some shopkeepers getting ready to open for the day and a few people at the bus stops, but other than that it was just me and the sunrise. There’s really no better way to watch a sunrise then with a good morning jog. Or at least this is my way of thinking.

After the run, I cleaned up and had breakfast at Eggs’n'Things. For some reason it wasn’t as good as I remember. They’re opening up a new location on Kalakaua this summer, so you can enjoy a beach view. I didn’t know any other place to eat so I kept with it, and their orange juice is really, really good. (TIP: They offer military discount). After breakfast I walked over to Wal-Mart. It’s not that far but I know most people will not want to walk there. Just take any bus to Ala Moana Center and it’s right up the street. (TIP: If you’re on a bus that drops you off on Ala Moana Blvd walk through the mall to the other side to Keeamoku Street.)

(TIP: One trip to Wal-Mart will save you thousands of little trips and extra dollars at the ABC stores.) My budget-minded self won’t let me pay $4.45 for a gallon of water when I can get it for a buck at Wal-Mart, but the crazy thing was that a gallon of water is NOT 79 cents like it is back home. Even at Wal-Mart it was $2.50. This better be some darn good water. I also like going to Wal-Mart because I can get cash back.

After all of that, I was ready for the beach. I went to Fort DeRussy beach because I think the beaches down Kalakaua are way too crowded. All the Waikiki beaches are crowded but those on that end are ridiculous. The week proceeding of 60-70 hours of work and the time change caught up with me again, so I laid out under a nice palm and took a three hour nap. You have no idea how I needed that. Naps are so much better when you’re lying under a palm tree.

That evening I booked the hula show at the Hale Koa. (TIP: Someone in the party must be military or DOD, and they base the price on pay grade.) Since I am a low ranking, it was only $37.00 for me. Not bad. I keep trying to stay at the Hale Koa but it’s always booked out months in advance. Next year I’ll try again. I like the resort atmosphere which my budget hotel lacks.

With the Hale Koa luau, you get a voucher for a free drink. I don’t drink hard alcohol but I decided to give it a shot. They offer mai-tai, blue Hawaiian and a third drink which I forgot the name. I got that drink. It’s like a piña colada, but not and it wasn’t very good, or maybe it’s because I don’t like the taste of vodka.

Before the show, during what they call the cocktail hour are all the activities and crafts. They show you how to wrap those dresses native Hawaiian women wear; they teach you some hula moves and there’s even a guy who climbs a palm tree with just some fabric tied around his feet. There’s some other stuff as well like fake tribal tattoos and basket weaving with palm leaves. They make quite a show of bringing up the pig out of the underground oven thing.

Finally, you’re allowed to be seated for dinner. The Hale Koa luau is not buffet style, but pre-portioned meals. They serve pork, teriyaki beef, some kind of chicken, fried rice, poi, lomi lomi salmon, seawood salad, cucumber melon salad, and desserts. You will not be hungry afterward. You are assigned seating and you may be seated with people you do not know, especially if your party is not particularly large.

After the dinner is the show. I found the show to be quite interesting. The Hale Koa luau takes you on a tour of the Polynesian islands, showing you the different methods of dances and greetings. They show Hawaii, French Polynesia, New Zealand and Samoa. It was very entertaining and now I’d like to quit my job to become a hula dancer. I especially loved the fire dancers. There was a boy as young as 11 doing the traditional fire dances. We were told that he is a junior champion. He was mesmerising. It is amazing what different cultures find acceptable. I can assure you that when I was 11, I was not allowed to twirl burning sticks around the house.

Everything about the show was great except for the filler part. This is obviously for the Baby Boomer crowd, no offense. But they have this middle aged guy who was a one-hit wonder back in 1989, singing showtunes in between the Polynesian dances. He’s wearing a cheesy white suit and tells these ghastly jokes. The people at my table were older and they just loved him. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but I just got this impression of 1970s entertainment on the Love Boat. And because this is a military installation be prepared for the obligatory patriotic songs and military appreciation.

When the luau is over they invite you to an after-luau party where you can meet the dancers and ask questions. I skipped this part because at 9PM, I was a zombie.

But wait…there’s more!

Tomorrow: O’ahu Nature Tour, the hunt for an Asian bakery and sunset on the beach.