Daily News April 27

Today is Tuesday, April 27, 2010.  It is the 117^th day of the year with 248 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1810, Ludwig von Beethoven wrote Für Elise.
In 2009, a Mexico City toddler was the first swine flu death on American soil.

Today’s News

911 Taxi
A Connecticut woman has been arrested on six counts of misuse of the 911 system after she called 911 several times to request a ride home from a club.  The woman was apparently intoxicated and was concerned about driving drunk, so she continued to dial 911 until a police officer did arrive to give her a ride—to jail.

After all the stories I’ve printed about people misusing 911, why do people persist?  Just in case you didn’t know the 911 system is not a cab service.  They are able to give you a ride, but not to the place you want.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
An NYC homeless man trying to help save someone else’s life was left to die in the middle of the street.  According to the investigation, the homeless man saw a woman being attacked by her boyfriend and went to help her.  He was stabbed several times during the altercation.  The couple ran away when someone else called 911 at 6AM to report the incident but when police arrived they could not find anyone.  Police think the wrong address was given.  The man lay dying in the street for another hour with several people walking past his body without doing anything.  Surveillance cameras in the area showed several people simply walking past the man, or stopping to stare at him.  One person even stopped and lifted up the body to see the pool of blood beneath the man. That person then walked away.  Someone called 911 at 7AM but again the wrong address was given.  Thirty minutes later, another 911 call came in and this time police were able to find him but the man was already dead.

That’s really sad.  I hope I never need help from anybody.  I don’t want to be lying in the street, bleeding to death and people just randomly walk past me like I’m a part of the sidewalk.  The residents in the neighbourhood say it’s not unusual to see people sleeping in the street and others say it’s not their job to determine whether someone needs help or if they’re just trashed.  No, it’s not your job, but everybody wants to live decently.  Whether the guy was drunk or dead, do you really want him lying there in front of your home or business?  People just don’t care anymore, but then again, you don’t want to get involved because you don’t want anybody to come after you.  That’s why I’m moving to Antarctica.

Penis Police
Potential candidates for the police or military in Indonesia will not be able to join if they have had a penis enlargement.  Anybody already in the police or military will be discharged if they decide to get a penis enlargement.  In addition to the hundreds of other questions asked on a military and police application, candidates will also be asked if their “vital organ has been enlarged.”  A police chief stated that men who’ve had an enlargement will be declared unfit for duty because such unnatural sizes are a hindrance during training activities.  According to information, penis enlargement is popular in this area of the world where men often wear additional appendages to appear larger.  Other men use a different technique which involves wrapping the penis in a leaf called gatal-gatal, which strangely means “itchy,” so that the penis will swell up and appear larger.

There are so many things I could say about this, but I’ll refrain from doing so because I could probably go on for days.  Seriously, though, are some men that insecure that they would go to such lengths (I guess the pun is intended) by wrapping their special parts in a leaf that makes them itchy and swollen?  That can’t be safe.  Even if it does get bigger, is still functional?  My guess is that it would be all irritated and you’d spend a lot of time scratching and adjusting.  I want to say something else, but I’m just going to let it go.  But I do wonder how large these penises get that they are a “hindrance” to training.  What sort of training activities do they do in their military that requires a smaller penis?  Okay, I’m done.

Ooops, My Bad
Colorado police are looking for a man who broke into a family home in the middle of the night, then left without taking anything.  The couple in the home stated that a man entered their bedroom at 3 in the morning and waved a gun in their face.  He informed them that he was there to rob them and then he said, “Oh, I’m in the wrong house.  I’m sorry.”  The man reportedly left after that without injuring anyone or taking any items.

Okay, well, first, can you please make sure you have the right address before you attempt to rob someone?  Secondly, if you’re going to go through all that trouble and even if you did get the wrong house, why not just rob them anyway?  I wonder if he intended to rob the house next door or just across the street.  The police don’t say if there were any other break-ins on the block.  He might have been a drunk.  People are so strange.

Be Glad You’re American
Aren’t you glad that you’re an American and you can do things like go to the movies or the circus, and have gold teeth?  And we’re not just talking about limitations on women’s movements, but la-dee-da-dee everybody.  The people of Turkmenistan are once again glad they’re Turkmen because the ban on the circus has been lifted.  The previous president who was in charge for 21 years banned the circus, the movie theatre, opera, the ballet, lip-syncing and gold teeth because these were all seen as “alien.”  The new president has lifted the bans on these activities, however, ballet is still a no-go.  Hundreds of children lined up to see the circus for the first time ever this past weekend.  Before the ban was lifted, the only movie theatres were banquet halls with a large old school television and a DVD player.  Viewers got to vote on the limited movie selection from the local video store.

Not even Blu-Ray?  America ain’t perfect, but why you would want to live anywhere else is beyond me.

Today’s Thought

For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange their prejudices once in a while.  –Luther Burbank

Daily News January 6

Today is Wednesday, January 6, 2010.  It is the sixth day of the year with 359 to go. 

Today’s History

In 1838, the telegraph was successfully demonstrated in New Jersey.
In 1912, New Mexico became the 47^th state.

Today’s News

Someone Needs an Ass-Whooping
An 11-year old Florida girl is undergoing a psychiatric evaluation after she tried to set her mother on fire.  The girl and her 15 year old boyfriend tried to kill her mother by pouring gasoline on the floor and bed while the mother slept.  Once the bedroom was aflame, the young couple fled the scene in the mother’s car.  Luckily, the smoke alarm went off and she was able to escape without serious injury.  The girl eventually went back to the scene of the crime, and the police found the boy at his friend’s house.  Both were taken into custody.  The mother said everything started because she had questioned her daughter about taking cigarettes. 

She don’t need a psych eval.  She needs her ass whooped.  I need to understand why an 11 year old has a boyfriend in the first place.  She’s still in elementary and he’s in high school.  I was just talking to somebody about today’s bad ass kids, but the parents are the ones who raised them to be this way.  A little less talky and a little more whoop that ass and there wouldn’t be all these problems.  I also notice they don’t mention a father; that’s half the problem right there.

A Different Kind of Baby Mama Drama
A Vermont family court has decided that the birth mother of a 7 year old girl must give up custody to her former lesbian partner.  The two women were in a relationship when they decided to have a baby by artificial insemination.  The couple broke up a year after the baby was born.  One woman renounced homosexuality and became an evangelical Christian, and moved back to her home in Virginia.  The birth mother stayed a lesbian, and lived with the child in Vermont.  Since the court decided that the newly non-lesbian woman should have primary custody, the birth mother took the child and disappeared.  She has had no contact with her attorneys since the ruling.  The court stated they tried the case as if they would any heterosexual custody battle.  The birth mother tried to appeal to the Supreme Court, but the Court decided not to hear the case.

I hate how these articles don’t exactly tell you everything.  Why did they give custody to the non-birth mother?  Was she somehow a better mother than the birth mother?  Or did they give custody to her because she’s suddenly not gay anymore and now is a Christian?  I can’t really say what should happen because I don’t know why the judge picked one over the other.  Since the girl is only 7, they don’t really seek her opinion on where she would like to go, but I wonder who she had been living with mostly.  Let this be a lesson to people.  It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, we all got the same crappy relationship problems.  Don’t have kids with someone that probably isn’t going to be long term.  If you’re gay you have to be particularly careful because the law is just not on your side.  In most states, you can’t even get married.  If you end up having a kid, what happens to the kid after it’s over? 

Here We Go Again
Seems like we didn’t learn our lesson in 2009 about the wacky 911 calls.  A moronic Florida man is the first of 2010 to make a bizarre 911 call.  The man called 911 to report that he had been beaten and shot.  He said that his nose was broken and that he was bleeding from the ears.  When police arrived, they discovered that he had not been attacked at all, but merely wanted a ride to another bar.  Naturally, officers refused to assist and the man kicked the police officer in the knees.  He had to be Tasered into submission before they could arrest him.

So usually you call a taxi when you need a ride to a bar.  Ever hear of phone-a-friend?  I don’t think the police department provides hack services, but this guy did luck out.  He got a free ride all right:  to jail.

Mobile Meth Market
A gas station attendant in Tennessee called police after he noticed that a car had been sitting at one of the gas pumps for more than an hour.  When the attendant went to check on the car, he noticed that the driver was asleep in the driver’s seat.  Police arrived on the scene to find the man was cooking meth in the backseat.  Meth-cooking is extremely volatile and has been known to cause major explosions.  Needless to say, the man was arrested and a HAZMAT team dismantled the moving meth lab.

Wow, what a genius.  Let’s cook a highly explosive substance at a gas station and hope for the best.  Do people even think sometimes?  What a way to ring in the New Year.

Jailhouse New Year’s
A Sicilian man decided that the only way to ring in the New Year’s was to do it in style:  by being in jail.  He showed up at a police station in Rome and requested to be arrested because he would rather be in jail than with his family when the clock struck 12.  He was told that since he had not committed a crime, the police would not be able to honour his request.  The man then went to a candy shop next door, stole several pieces of candy and some chewing gum, after threatening the owner with a box cutter.  The owner called police and the man waited patiently for police to arrest him for robbery. 

If it was that serious, why didn’t he just leave?  He could have went to a friend’s house or just sat in his car some place until his relatives left.  I don’t understand why he felt the need to go to such extremes.

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems
Florida police believe that a man who won $30 million in the lottery may have been killed for his money.  The man, who had previously lived with his mother, won the money several years ago and ever since, people had been hitting him up for money.  His mother describes him as very generous and that he just didn’t know how to say no.  He bought a million dollar home, a Nissan Altima and a Rolex from a pawn shop.  He was planning to start a foundation for the poor.  He later shacked up with some woman who became his financial adviser.  This woman bought the million dollar home from him, then made a video in which the man stated that he wanted to lay low because people wouldn’t leave him alone.  The woman claims she made the video because she was scared of what might happen.  Police are currently investigating the woman.  The man’s mother hopes that he is gone to some private island, but police think he may have been killed. 

They say more money, more problems.  I watched a special once on lottery winners and it showed that most people who win the lottery wind up even more broke than they were before they won the money.  A few people committed suicide because they couldn’t stand the constant pressure from other people, begging for money.  A lot of them also end up being drug addicts and drunks.  I already know that money would make me much worse, and that’s probably why God didn’t make me rich in the first place.

Can’t Say Bomb On An Airplane
A German man and his family were not allowed to board a flight after he continually joked about having explosives in his underwear.  He was trying to make jokes about the Nigerian terrorist that tried to bomb a plane in Detroit, but instead, he got himself arrested and fined.  Airline personnel removed the man and his family from the line when he wouldn’t stop with the jokes.  German authorities arrested him but found no traces of any explosive material.  The airline would not allow the family to catch a later flight and has also stated they will not reimburse the family for the vacation they booked.  They will also receive several thousand dollars in fines to cover the cost of the investigation.

Way to go, jackass.  Apparently, they had booked an expensive vacation package to Egypt.  If I had been the wife, I would have kicked him in the balls and told the airline that we weren’t together anymore.

Today’s Thought

Very few men are wise by their own counsel; or learned by their own teaching.  For he that was only taught by himself, had a fool to his master.  ~Ben Johnson

Daily News December 24

Today is Thursday, December 24, 2009.  It is the 358^th day of the year with seven more to go.  Today is Christmas Eve.

Today’s History

In 1814, the war of 1812 officially ended as the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Ghent in Belgium.
In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Tennessee called the Ku Klux Klan.

Today’s News

Hello, 911?  Part 12
Yet another person is being charged with the abuse and misuse of the 911 emergency system.  A Texas woman is being investigated after authorities discovered she had called 911 over 30 times in the past six months.  Her most recent call was this week, to report that her husband refused to eat his dinner.  The woman also called several times last week but on both occasions she did not speak with the 911 operator.  The first time she hung up and the second time she screamed in the background then hung up.  When the woman called to report on her husband, the police arrived to the scene to find the woman yelling about things that happened two weeks ago. 

Where do they get these people?  What were the police supposed to do because he didn’t want to eat his food:  arrest him?  They may also want to have her mental status checked out because normal people do not call 911 and then start screaming in the phone and then hang up…for no reason.

Bad Santa!
Tennessee police are looking for a man dressed as Santa who robbed a SunTrust bank yesterday.  The bad Santa Claus entered the bank at 10AM and demanded money from the teller.  When the teller refused, he brandished a weapon from a sack he was carrying. He then told the teller that he had to have the money so he could “pay his elves.”  The man is described as wearing an entire Santa Claus suit complete with the fake white beard and mustache.  He was also wearing dark sunglasses. 

I guess they are going to have to round up the usual suspects.  Hit up all the malls across Tennessee and question all of the guys pretending to be Old Saint Nick.  When you think about it, it really is a perfect disguise because how many fake Santa Clauses are running around this time of year?  But what if was the REAL Santa?  He could be hard up for money this year.  Minimum wage went up this summer, so he might very well have had to get some money to pay the elves.

Otterly Outrageous
An Ohio flight was delayed yesterday not because of the blizzard sweeping through the Midwest, but because two otters had escaped from the plane’s cargo hold and were running amuck on the tarmac.  Passengers thought it was a joke when the pilot gave the reason for the delay, but when they looked out the window, sure enough they saw two otters running around outside the plane, clearly blocking it from taxiing from the gate.  It took airport workers about an hour to capture the otters and put them back in their cages.

Because I wasn’t even exactly sure what an otter was.  I actually had the mental image of a seal type creature, but apparently I was wrong.  Do people keep otters as pets?  Just wondering, because I don’t believe I even know anybody that knows what an otter is.

Facebook Fugitive
British authorities are in pursuit of a man who escaped from prison but has been frequently updating his Facebook page.  The prisoner escaped from an open prison in September and until he recently began updating his Facebook status, authorities had no idea of his whereabouts.  His latest status update reads:  “mmm, I just had a 12lb venison steak.  Roasted veg and chips, bangin meal.  I feel suffted but still got room for the j.d.’s Hope you enjoyed the meal babe’s.  We’ll have to eat here again.”  In other status updates it is apparent that he is trying to find a girlfriend.  “Is thinking, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!”  The police are using clues from his updates to track him down.  Facebook has also gotten involved.  The man apologises to his friends and family that they had to find out that he is a fugitive from his Facebook status but then he says, “But you know me.  I Trust No One.  It’s the only way to be.”

Apart from his appalling grammar and spelling, this man had been in jail on burglary charges and is not considered particularly dangerous at this time.  The good thing is that he is over in the U.K. so it’s not our headache.  I do wonder though, what precisely is an open prison?  If it is like the name describes, could this be the reason he escaped, because the prison is, indeed, open?  Just a thought. And who eats 12 pounds of anything in one sitting?

Today’s Thought

Christmas is the day that holds all time together.  ~Alexander Smith