How To Be a Better Battle Buddy
Many of us have not had the opportunity to share close living quarters with other people before. The few short weeks spent in basic training was somehow not enough to prepare us for an extended period of time staring each other in the face.
I have prepared a comprehensive guide to being a better battle buddy. Hopefully, this will help alleviate some of the problems we are having.
Standard issue alarm clock for all soldiers. It's also designed to play Reveille every 15 minutes starting at 0400.
1. In the morning, set your alarm clock as early and loudly as possible. Even though you may be the only person that needs to get up at 400AM, you should set your alarm clock at deafening levels, ensuring that you will wake up everybody else. Also, it helps to set your alarm clock and then walk away from it. You are actually helping your battle buddies. If you set your alarm clock and then leave to take a shower, then you are ensuring that someone else will have to get out of their bed to turn your alarm clock off. That person will remain awake until they have to get up, thus they will not oversleep their alarm clock, which is also set at maximum levels. If you have to be up at 6AM and so does the person who sleeps next to you, it does not make any sense to use the same alarm clock. You both should have an alarm clock that goes off at 6AM. The alarm clocks should compete against each other in loudness.
2. Any time you leave the building, slam the door as loudly as possible. It does not matter whether if it is day or night, lights on or lights off. Matter of fact, don’t even shut the door. Just leave the door wide open, allowing flies and the smell of the ripe port-a-potties to enter the living space.
3. During lights out, talk in an unnecessarily loud voice. If you need to have a conversation with the battle buddy that sleeps across from you, just shout from your bed to hers. This way everybody will be able to hear your conversation and inviting others who sleep six beds down from you to join in on the fun. When you come in from outside, keep talking in your outdoor voice and completely ignore everyone who may be sleeping or resting up for their shift.
4. If it is lights out but you still need to see, get a lamp with a 200-watt light bulb and then shine it up at the ceiling, illuminating half the room, or just shine it directly into your battle buddy’s face. Lay in bed, watching a movie on your laptop with the light still on, because you need to be able to see your laptop screen with a bright surgical lamp beaming down on you.
5. Quiet time is the perfect time to start rummaging through all of your bags and tough box. Do not use lights-on time to search for things you may need later. Only search for stuff when it is lights-out and people are trying to sleep. Shuffle through your duffle bags, making as much noise as possible, even turning the bag upside down allowing all contents to bang all over the floor. Make sure to dig through your tough box as well. Don’t forget the locker. Jiggle the locker door for a few minutes, then dig around inside the locker. Slam the locker door when complete, then reopen it to make sure everything is still in there and then slam the door once more.
6. No matter what time of day it is, be sure to have your music blasting out of your headphones so that everyone on the other side of the room is able to hear what you’re listening to. For best results, sing along to the music in an off-key tone in a voice loud enough to drown out the music coming from your headphones.
Eventually this will reanimate and take itself out to the trash.
7. Try to bring a full meal back to the tent as often as possible. Make loud smacking noises while you enjoy your food, then when you are done, leave the trash next to your bed for at least a week. Only once the ripe smell of rotting chicken bones has permeated the air, then can you take the trash out. If the trash can is overflowing, do not attempt to take it out. Just leave it for the next person. If you see any trash laying around on the floor, ignore it. Also, do not sweep your area. Allow piles of sand and gravel to accumulate. Actually, it might be better to sweep the trash into your battle buddy’s area. Let her deal with it.
8. Since water is at a premium in this location, do not bathe more than once a week. If you can go longer without a bath, please do so. This way no one will complain there is no hot water. Also, don’t waste water by washing your sheets or clothes. Leave all dirty clothes on the floor. Only go to the laundry when your laundry bag is about to burst, and then ask your battle buddy if she would not mind taking your laundry for you.
9. If you have a cell phone for “official business,” let everyone know how important you are by having the ring tone set to its loudest setting. Also, the later you receive a phone call the more important you are. For best results, have someone call you at 2AM then proceed to have a lengthy, loud conversation. Then have that same person call you back 10 minutes later. Don’t even think about getting out of bed and going outside to have your conversation, especially if it is late at night and other people are sleeping.
Throw a blanket over top of it and you should be all set.
10. Plug in your water heater, microwave, laptop, and cell phone charger all into one surge protector, then plug that surge protector into another one that has your lamp, blow dryer, and the surge protector of the person that sleeps next to you. Plug all of this directly into the wall and turn everything on. Every time the power goes out, act confused and then blame it on someone else. Don’t call DPW to report the incident. Just leave the room and pretend like you have no idea what happened and you don’t know why the power has been out for six hours.
11. If you see something that does not belong to you, just take it and put it with your stuff. If someone asks you about it, you can either lie and say you didn’t know it was theirs, or you can say you thought it was yours. If you break something that belongs to someone else, put it back and pretend you have no idea what happened to it. Say that someone else used it after you and it was probably them that messed it up. Also, if you need clean clothes and all of yours are dirty, just borrow someone else’s uniform and then put it back after you’re done. Don’t wash it though. Actually, don’t even put it back. Just keep it.
12. When you get on Skype or Google Chat to talk to your loved ones, make sure you speak really loudly. Your family will not be able to hear you if you are not shouting into the microphone. Then when the connection goes bad, start to complain about how the internet sucks. It might be possible that someone in the room will be able to do something about the crappy internet connection.
If you follow these rules you are sure to maximise your deployment experience. You will be well-liked in the barracks and no one will have a bad thing to say about you. If you remember that everything is about you, and no one else, you should not have any problems.