Today is Monday, April 5, 2010. It is the 95th day of the year with 270 to go.
Today’s History
In 1614, Pocahontas married John Rolfe in Virginia.
In 1951, the Rosenbergs were sentenced to death for conspiring to commit espionage with the Soviet Union.
Today’s News
He’s Dead, Jim
A Pennsylvania man has been charged with one count of public drunkenness after he made a spectacle of himself attempting to revive a dead opossum. Witnesses say that the opossum had been dead for quite some time, an apparent road kill victim, when the drunk man insisted that he would be able to resuscitate it. The police report does not describe how the man attempted to revive the dead animal.
I think I don’t even know what to say to this. He must have been TRASHED. Road kill + mouth-to-mouth = you don’t even wanna go there.
Daddy Daycare
Police have arrested two men in Michigan for child abandonment. Someone called the police to report seeing two children locked inside a vehicle at a bowling alley. When police arrived, they arrested two men, ages 27 and 28, who happened to be the father and uncle of the children. The kids were aged six and four, and they told police that they had been in the car for two days while their father and uncle drove around getting drunk and partying. The children were supposed to be with their father for visitation this particular weekend, and they are now returned to their mother.
I guess the argument could be made that he at least attempted to see his children—or not. So you go pick up the kids because it’s your weekend, and instead of being an actual daddy to the kids, you take them on a two day joyride while you get completely trashed with your uncle. Why are the father and uncle so close in age? I know it happens, but it’s still kind of odd. Anyway, why didn’t he just leave the kids at home? That isn’t safe, but neither is being locked in a car for two days straight with barely anything to eat and beer bottles strewn all over the place. Again, I will complain that anybody is allowed to breed.
Just Trying To Help
An Ohio boy just wanted to do his part to help out his parents when he decided to take the family van to get some gas. The father, who was home taking a nap, didn’t even realize that his son had found his mother’s keys and then attempted to drive the van to the gas station. The boy was driving about 5 MPH when he lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a telephone pole. He told police that he could not reach the pedals.
See, there are some decent kids out there that want to help out, do their part with the household chores, but I think this is taken it a little too far kid. Let’s say the kid did make it to the gas station, how did he intend to pay for the gas? Got to think things through kid, and now look what you did: you wrecked the van which your father now has to pay for. Don’t worry, he’s taking it out of your allowance.
While I’m Here
An 82 year old woman decided that she may as well get her hair done after she ran her car through the front window of a salon. Maybe the woman was on her way to get her done anyway, who knows? But she crashed her car, then got out and went up to the counter to make an appointment to get her hair done. Two people were injured during the incident. The woman says she was very embarrassed about the incident, but needed to have her hair done.
I guess she figured that since she was about to take a police mug shot, she might as well look good.
I Needed a Ride Home
California police have arrested a man on auto theft and drunk driving charges, after the man stole an unattended ambulance so he could get a ride home. The man had just spent a few hours in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out early Saturday morning. He went outside to get a cab and instead found an ambulance in the parking lot with the keys still in the ignition. Because the city’s ambulances have GPS, police were able to find him quickly, and when they did, the man refused to pull over. He led police on a low-speed chase through a residential neighbourhood before the police finally put an end to the entire escapade by setting out spike strips.
So, he was already in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out. Was he still drunk when he decided to take the ambulance, or was he just that stupid? How did he get to the hospital in the first place? Did his friends bring him or was he found super trashed in the streets somewhere? These articles always leave out the good stuff.
You Said You Could Drive a Stick!
Two men in Pennsylvania have been arrested for attempted to carjack a pizza delivery girl. The pizza delivery girl was stopped at a red light when two men ran up on her and dragged her out of the car. They robbed her and attempted to steal her car, but neither one of them knew how to drive a manual transmission. They jumped out of the car and ran off, without taking anything.
I would have paid to see their faces when they jumped in the car and they saw that stick. I bet they were like, “Oh, shit, what do we do now?” Then they ran off without anything. So dumb.
Wrong Number
Three drug-dealers are off the streets thanks to the fact that one of them texted a drug task force agent instead of a potential buyer. One of the drug dealers was trying to notify the buyer that they were ready for pickup when he accidentally transposed two of the numbers in the phone number. When the drug task force agent, who lives about 50 miles north of New York City, saw the text message, he contacted the New York City Police Department so they could setup a sting. A police officer posed as the potential buyer and when the dealers showed up with the goods, all three were arrested. Police confiscated 60 bags of heroin.
Stay in school and you might learn how to dial a phone properly. Crime don’t pay, losers.
Today’s Thought
A man is only as good as what he loves.—Saul Bellow
