Daily News October 29

Today is Friday, October 29.  It is the 302^nd day of the year with 63 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on Black Tuesday, the start of the Great Depression.

Today’s News

Passing Stones
Indian police have arrested a man after an anonymous tip suggesting that the man would attempt to smuggle diamonds.  Although the tip was very vague, police caught the guy after he landed in India.  They searched his person and his luggage but found no evidence of diamonds until someone noticed how uncomfortable he seemed.  The man claimed that he had hemorrhoids.  They took him to a doctor to be examined.  They didn’t find any hemorrhoids but an X-ray revealed that the man had diamonds in his stomach.  They fed him laxatives and approximately six hours later, he passed several diamonds worth $337K and $674K.  The man admitted that he was a frequent human courier.  He would swallow up to 50 condoms filled with diamonds and get paid approximately $225.

That’s it?  You carrying around more than half a million dollars worth of diamonds in your gut and all you get is $225?  Haha.  I’m sure the man is worried about family back home, but I would take the diamonds and skip town, crap them out somewhere and live like a princess on my own private island.  The things people do for money.  But oddly, I’m surprised human diamond couriers don’t get seriously injured.  I’ve heard about drug mules that swallow the drugs and sometimes they overdose when the condoms or balloons bust open, but diamonds are the hardest substance on earth.  Wouldn’t they cut through the condom and start cutting up your inside if you make too many odd movements?  Somehow $225 is not enough money for this occupational hazard.

Have You Had Your Lawsuit Today?
A Brazilian man who worked for McDonald’s for 12 years has sued the restaurant chain claiming that he got fat while working there.  The man, a manager, said he felt compelled to taste the food everyday in order to ensure quality standards.  He said mystery clients would visit the restaurant to test for food, service and cleanliness.  He said in order to meet those standards, he had to eat everything.  He also said that McDonald’s offered employees free lunches.  He gained 65 pounds while working there.  The Brazilian court has awarded him $17,500.

This is completely lame.  I am quite sure he did gain the weight by eating McDonald’s food for 12 years, but is there really a way they could prove it?  He could have also been going home and shoving Krispy Kreme donuts in his stomach.  Since he was “tasting” the food everyday and eating the free lunch everyday, did he even bother to exercise at all?  Just because it is free doesn’t mean you have to take it.  And tasting food doesn’t require you to eat everything.  Some people fail to take responsibility for their own mistakes.  Anyway, all he got was $17,500 which doesn’t even pay for gastric bypass.

Speaking of Lawsuits
A judge in Manhattan has decided that a 4 year old little girl can be held liable in a lawsuit.  This whole situation began when the 4 year old girl and a 4 year old boy were outside racing their bikes with training wheels on the sidewalk.  While they were racing, an old lady was coming down the sidewalk and the two kids accidentally ran into her.  The old lady fell and was “seriously and severely injured.”  She had to have hip surgery and she died 3 weeks later.  Both of the kids’ parents were present at the time of the incident.  The old lady’s family is suing the two kids for negligence.  According to the judge, children under 4 are incapable of negligence, but children over 4 can be negligent.  The little girl was three months shy of her fifth birthday at the time of the incident.  The judge said that the kids engaged in risky behavior.  Just because the parents were present doesn’t make any difference since the parents were only supervising and not encouraging the children.  The judge said that any “reasonably prudent child” would not engage in risky behavior whether or not a parent was present.  If the parents had encouraged their behavior then the parents would have been sued, but since the parents were only supervising, then the kids are eligible to be sued.

And you wonder why this country is going into the toilet.  Seriously?  Seriously.  A 4 year old is a reasonably prudent child?  Has anybody ever heard of anything called an accident?  Two small kids riding on their bikes with TRAINING WHEELS are having a good time and they accidentally run into an old lady.  First of all, why didn’t old lady try to get out of the way?  If you see two small kids barreling towards you on some bikes, common sense would tell you to get out of the way.  Yeah, the kids SHOULD stop but if you’re an adult and they are 4 years old, who do you think should make the command decision? I would feel differently if the kids were 16, or even 8 years old, but 4?  That’s just ridiculous.   I wonder what the family of the old lady hopes to gain by suing 4 year olds?  Well, they’re five now, but still.  It is unfortunate that this happened, that the old lady died as a result of her injuries, but the kids did not have malicious intent.  It was an accident, a terrible accident.

I Now Pronounce You Swine and Wife
Two hotel workers from the Maldives have been arrested after they were caught taunting a couple during their marriage ceremony.  The unknown couple, who may be French or Swiss, were renewing their vows on the island and had a foreign wedding officiator.  Instead of reciting typical marriage vows, the officiator said, “Your marriage is not valid.  You are an infidel.  You are an atheist.  Your children are bastards.  You are swine.”  The officiator was speaking in another language and the couple was smiling happily because they thought he w as giving them the marriage vows.  Someone recorded the wedding and someone else made the translation that the officiator was not reciting the correct words, but really cussing them out at their wedding ceremony.

That is so messed up!  First of all, why would you have a wedding in a language you don’t even know?  You can’t really repeat vows in another language and you have no idea what you’re even saying.  This man was calling them infidels, pigs, calling their children bastards and they were just standing there smiling at each other, so in love, while they were being clowned.  The Maldives is a popular resort destination.  People spend a lot of money to get there and to stay in the luxurious hotels there.  So you pay all that money for someone to cuss you out at your own wedding.  And that’s how you’ll remember one of the most important days of your life:  a swine infidel with children who are bastards.

Today’s Thought

Numerous politicians have seized power and muzzled the press.  Never in history has the press seized absolute power and muzzled the politicians.  ~David Brinkley

Daily News 6/18

Today is Friday, June 18.  It is the 169^th day of the year with 196 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1812, the United States declared war against Britain.
In 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte met his Waterloo, as British and Prussian troops defeated the French in Belgium.
In 1983, Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.

Just Doing My Part
An American citizen, not associated with any government or military, was detained near the Pakistani border after he claimed that he was looking for Osama bin Laden.  The man had a pistol, a sword, night vision goggles and Christian religious books. He was trying to cross into Afghanistan when he was stopped.  He told authorities that he’d been to the area several times since 9/11 looking for Osama bin Laden and that he had no intention of trying to kill him.

Yeah, okay, he wasn’t really trying to kill him.  There is a reward for $50 million for the one who turns Osama ben Laden in, dead or alive.  If I had any sense I’d be out there looking for him too.

The Biggest Gainer
A New Jersey woman has decided that she doesn’t want to be the Biggest Loser, but the Biggest Gainer.  She is attempting to eat her way to 1000lbs.  Currently, the 42 year old woman weighs more than 600 pounds.  You can visit supersizedbombshells.com where she models as a super plus sized model.  Also on the website are videos of her eating greasy food and attempting to walk to her car.  The woman, who wears XXXXXL size clothing, says she loves the attention and wants to be a spokeswoman for big women everywhere.  She wants them to know that size doesn’t matter and that they can lead a happy life.  She currently has two children and will be getting married next year in Hawaii.  She says she is very healthy and doesn’t believe that her weight will cause medical problems, even though she does have Type 2 diabetes.  Her fiancé says he finds her very sexy.

I’m all for healthy self-esteem no matter what size you are.  Some people equate being thin with being happy and beautiful, and that’s not always the case.  Some also equate being thin with being healthy, and that ain’t necessarily true either.  No matter what size you are, you need to feel good about yourself and try to be the healthiest you can.  Being 1000 pounds is not healthy and I don’t give a damn what this woman says.  She is not happy; that is why she wants the attention.  She figures being a little bit fat isn’t that special so she’ll just be a whole lotta fat and maybe someone will love her.  Her lame excuse that her heart is just fine pales to the fact that she can barely walk two steps away from her couch.  She can’t even go outside and play with her kids but she wants to be a spokesperson for fat women everywhere.  Okay.  You’re going about it the wrong way.  You’ll get plenty of attention when they have to forklift your dead carcass over to a landfill to bury you when you die of obesity-related diseases.

Your Own Thief
A Georgia man has been arrested after he was found driving the car he claimed someone had stolen.  The man called police to say the motel room he was staying in had been broken into and his keys stolen.  He said that his 2001 Acura Integra had been stolen.  Police put out an APB for the car and soon discovered the car being driven in another part of town.  When they pulled over the driver of the car, they discovered that the thief was actually the man who owned the car.  Police discovered that he was under the influence of alcohol and arrested him.  The man claimed the reason he reported the car stolen was because a friend had borrowed the car and failed to return it.

See why shouldn’t drink and drive?  You just end up looking like an asshole, and there’s really no hope for you.

Crazy For Cakesters
Florida police are searching for a man who broke into a dollar store and stole nothing but a box of Oreo  cakesters.  A surveillance video shows a man breaking through a glass door and then rummaging around in the store.  A few minutes later, the man leaves with the box of Oreo Cakesters, valued at $2.50.  No other items were reported missing.

I’ve had cakesters and they aren’t that great to be busting up in to a dollar store.  Is it that serious that this guy didn’t have $2.99 or however much it costs to go to the store and buy some?  Or maybe he did have the money and the store was just closed and now he’s having some kind of withdrawal and that’s what made him bust the store open.  Where do they get these people?

Don’t Feed the Bums
San Diego store owners have put signs in their storefront windows saying, “Don’t Feed the Bums.”  It’s a little joke from the National Park Service slogan “Don’t feed the bears.”  San Diego shop owners on the beach say that the “bums” hanging around are damaging their businesses and harassing customers.  “Don’t Feed the Bums” isn’t meant for that typical bum you think of, the Vietnam vet suffering from Agent Orange, but a new generation of bums:  young, aggressive panhandlers who don’t want to work and would rather just beg for money instead.  One such bum said, “Everything I’ve ever had in the material world failed me miserably.  Honestly, I’ve never been happier.”  Police say most of the new bums are young adults with cell phones, coming from wealthy families.  There have also been reports of violence against those who did not give the bums money.

This is precisely why I do not give money to any one at all.  I can never tell if someone is truly in need of my help or if they are just bullshitting me.  I saw on Dateline a few years ago, this woman was recording her child’s birthday party and just so happened to capture one of these so-called bums on tape.  This fool stood outside all day long begging for change and then went around the corner and hopped in an Escalade.  The woman submitted the tape to Dateline and they tracked the man down using his license plate number.  He lived in a very wealthy suburb in Orange County, California.  He owned three cars and had a gigantic pool in the back yard.  They interviewed him and his wife, who was sitting there in her Tiffany and Prada, and the man said, “If people are going to give me the money, why shouldn’t I take it?”  He said he gets enough to pay the note on his truck and the Mercedes his daughter drives at college.  After I saw that, I never gave a brown penny to anybody ever again.  There are real people who do need help but you can help in other ways.  When I see bums, I give them food.  This is a good indication if they really need it or not.  If they accept the food and eat it, they are grateful and need your help.  If they get pissed and start cussing at you, yeah, they don’t need shit but a job and a life.

Today’s Thought

The way of a superior man is three-fold; virtuous, he is free from anxieties; wise, he is free from perplexities; bold, he is free from fear.  –Confucius

Daily News February 24

Today is Wednesday, February 24, 2010.  It is the 55^th day of the year with 310 to go.

Today’s History

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII outlined calendar reforms; the Gregorian calendar is the calendar in general use today.
In 1868, President Andrew Johnson was impeached.

Today’s News

Body Armour
A Florida woman said that it was her love handles that saved her life when she got shot visiting a bar in Atlantic City.  The woman said she walked into the bar and heard two pops.  She felt pain in her side and saw blood coming out.  Police say the woman was an innocent bystander in a dispute between two men.  The shooter has not been found at this time.  The woman stated that she had been “hollering” that she wanted to lose weight.  “They said my love handles saved my life.  I want to be big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.”

So you should remain unhealthy and overweight on the off-chance that you might get shot again?  Perhaps the love handles did save her life, but if she had been slimmer, the bullet might have missed her altogether.

Taking It Out on the Neighbours
A New York man caused approximately $40,000 in damage to 30 cars parked outside a business because he was upset over an affair his wife was supposedly having.  The man confronted his wife about the affair and discovered that she had been sleeping with someone who worked at that business.  In retaliation, the man decided to take a backhoe and crush and flip the cars that were parked outside.  He has been arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

Well, at least he didn’t go and crush the man he thinks is having an affair with his wife.  But really, I have to give him an A for effort.  We’ve all destroyed some property in a fit of anger, but did you climb into a backhoe and go on a rampage in a parking lot?  That’s just funny.

The Drunk Equestrian
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing an alternate method of transportation other than one’s vehicle.  A Kentucky man decided to do that when he rode his horse to church.  After leaving the horse outside, the man entered the church with a holstered weapon and a rifle.  The man did not attempt to fire the weapons, but he was calmly removed from the church while the authorities were called.  The man was arrested.

I guess he thought it was 1810 instead of 2010, where people normally ride around armed on horseback…to church.

The Belt Buckle Made Me Do It
An upstate New York teen is under arrest on felony criminal mischief charges after he showed up uninvited to a party.  The owners of the home were away on vacation when the kids decided to have a party.  Like most unauthorized parties, random people started showing up, along with this teenager who was clearly inebriated from another event.  The kid started break dancing, and as a result of his gyrations his unnecessarily large diamond belt buckle scratched up the wood floors causing $3000 worth of damage.  In addition to criminal mischief, he is also being charged with trespassing.

There are so many things to be arrested for, and I figure if you’re going to get arrested for something, get arrested for something… don’t get arrested because your fashion disaster of a belt buckle scratched up someone’s floor.  How lame is that?  I want to know how big this thing is to have caused so much damage and what made him think a diamond belt buckle the size of the Hubble Space Station was somehow in style.

Today’s Thought

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injry to others.  It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.  ~Alfred Adler

Senseless Scribbling of an Idiot #31: Too Fat To Fly

Why am I the only one who doesn’t seem to understand what the problem is?  I am so confused as to why this is such a hot topic.  Is it because we’re a sensitive folk and don’t like being told we’re too fat, too this, too that?  Is it because we don’t appreciate the attention pointed at the obvious?  I just don’t get it.

I read this article just now about Kevin Smith, the director who was booted from a Southwest Airlines flight because he was allegedly too fat to fit into an airline seat.  I am not entirely sure of the correct story.  Apparently, he flew one way without any problem, but the other way, he was suddenly too fat.  I seemed to get conflicting stories.  It seemed like one way he bought TWO seats but the other way he wasn’t able to buy two seats, but somehow the arm rests were able to come down, or something.  You know what?  Who cares what the precise story is?  Let’s just look at the main issue of being too fat to fly.

Why is this an issue?  If you’re too fat to fly, you’re just too fat.  Why can’t people get it in their brains?  Look, I am a moderate sized girl.  I wouldn’t call myself fat, but I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as thin.  At this point, I do not need two seats, but should I ever double in size, I don’t see what the big problem is requiring me to buy two seats so I could comfortably fit my fat ass.  Granted, it’s expensive, but so is flying on the whole.  Is that the problem?  Are you mad because you need two seats:  one for the left cheek and one for the right?  I think if I got that fat, I wouldn’t fly anymore because it’s already bloody uncomfortable, even if you are thin.

I am confused by the fat people of America.  And if you’re offended by my use of the word fat, please get over it.  That’s what you are, whether it’s health reasons, or because you like being fat, or you can’t help being fat–whatever the reason, you’re fat if your body exceeds certain parameters.  What I’m not saying is that fat is ugly, or fat is unhealthful, or fat is that, or whatever.  I am not making a judgement on what I think about being fat.  This is NOT that type of blog (I’ll save that for later).  I’m only talking about the actual physical presence of being fat.

Anyway, I was saying that I was confused by the fat people of America.  Some people who are fat don’t think there is anything wrong with them.  They are happy with the way they look, and they are tired of skinny people telling them they are unhealthy, unhappy, un-whatever.  If you’re so happy with being fat, why aren’t you happy buying two seats? 

Then there’s the group of people who say they are fat because of some kind of health reason, like thyroid or something.  They say they cannot help being fat and people should stop picking on them.  I agree; however, you have accepted that you are fat, so you should accept that you need two seats.  I cannot help that I am a midget.  I still have to go out and buy stools and booster seats and all other manner of humiliating tools to make me feel taller so I can reach the lightbulbs or the kitchen counter tops.  It’s a fact of life! 

What I have yet to hear is a VALID argument as to why fat people should not be forced to buy two seats.  If your body exceeds the parameters of the airline seats and you are not encroaching on another PAID customer’s seat, why don’t you think you should buy two seats?  Why?  I really want to know.  I have been on airplanes where the person next to me is so fat that they spilled over into my seat forcing my flight to be even more uncomfortable than it already is.  If you don’t have to pay for two seats, than I should only have to pay for half of mine since that’s all I’m using.

I once bitched about this in another blog and someone commented that if I didn’t like it I shouldn’t fly anymore.  What?  Seriously?  I mean, seriously.  I can fit in the seat!  The fat man shouldn’t fly anymore because he’s inconveniencing everyone around him.  The flight attendant felt sorry for me because there was no more room on the plane.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I lingered in that little area outside the toilets for a little while, even though they don’t like you to do that these post 9/11 days. 

I think all airlines should have a hard steadfast policy on the subject of fat people and how many seats they take up.  They have hard steadfast policies on everything else.  Have you ever tried to get the airline to waive the $75 change fee?  Ain’t gonna happen. 

I don’t feel sorry for Kevin Smith that he got booted off his plane.  In case he didn’t realise, the airlines pretty much have the right to do whatever it is they want.  You agree to that when you buy one of their overpriced air tickets.   Mr. Smith handled himself classlessly (to make up my own word) by bad-mouthing the airline.  He made some lame argument that his weight was used an excuse because a flight attendant did not like his movies.  How ridiculous is that?  He called Southwest Airlines the “welfare, foodstamp airline.”  He also says he will not fly Southwest Airlines anymore, but I hope he doesn’t expect better treatment from any of the other airlines.  Since he’s so deep in his pockets, why doesn’t he buy one of those lofty first class seats on one of the legacy airlines.  I mean, the Southwest apologised (which they should not have), refunded his money and gave him a credit.  What else does he want them to do?  Put him on Weight Watchers?

I think the fact that everybody is all up in arms over this subject is kind of ridiculous.  Whether you are fat by choice, genes or too many Hostess cupcakes, you have to either do something about it or live with your decision.  If you want to fly, be prepared to buy two seats.  If you don’t like it, rent a car and drive, or go on a diet.  It’s your choice.  I just wish we could get off this subject because this is the first, and hopefully the last time that I will ever defend the airlines.

Daily News December 1

Today is Tuesday, December 1, 2009.  It is the 335^th day of the year with 30 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1955, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white man, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.
In 1969, the U.S. government held its first draft lottery since World War II.

Today’s News

Forever and Ever, Amen
A web designer in California wants the state to make the ultimate sacrifice:  marriage for life.  No more divorces in California, if he gets his way.  He says since the state outlawed gay marriages, then the state should outlaw divorce.  Californians voted no on gay marriage because they wanted to preserve the sanctity of marriage.  If this is the case, then voters should have no problem voting no on divorce, since divorce definitely does NOT preserve the sanctity of marriage.  In order to raise money and awareness of the potential vote, he is selling t-shirts for $12.  The t-shirts feature a man and woman stick figure shackled at the wrist.  It will be difficult to actually see such a law passed.  Only a few countries in the world ban divorce, and even those allow annulments.  Even religious leaders state that disallowing divorces would be “impractical.”  According to statistics provided by the National Center for Health, the U.S. divorce rate is 47.9 per cent.

I think it sounds like an excellent idea.  If gay people can’t get married because people want to preserve the beautiful, if misguided, notion of marriage, then nobody should be allowed to get divorced.  So many people take marriage frivolously these days.  You meet somebody on Monday.  You date until Wednesday.  Thursday night you get married and Saturday afternoon you’re filing for divorce.  Where’s the preservation in such a holy unity?  But gay people, who are fighting so hard for their rights, can’t get married.  Gay people would probably stay married longer since they have to go through so much crap just to get there in the first place.  Everyone goes around talking about how important marriage is, how sacred and all that jazz.  If it is so holy, then why should divorce be allowed?  Why end something that is supposedly from God?  Your words, not mine.

Dedicated Employee
A Miami woman has been arrested on bomb threat charges after she tried her best to help her boss make his flight.  The woman called the Miami International Airport and told them there was a bomb on an American Airlines plane.  She was hoping the delay caused by an investigation would leave enough time for her boss to make his flight.  The aircraft was searched, and of course, there was no bomb.  The woman told police that her boss was late to catch his flight to Honduras because of her, and that a bomb threat would be just enough time for him to catch his plane. 

That’s dedication to the job.  Let’s hope he still holds your position after you do the 25 to life for your terroristic tendencies.

Smash These High Prices
A Minnesota man is under arrest after he ran through a Target store smashing up televisions and other electronics with a hammer.  Employees say the man came into the store “walking like Frankenstein” with a “glazed look” in his eyes.  He got into it with an officer and then took off running through the store, smashing things as he went passed.  Police had to subdue him with a Taser. 

Apparently he was pissed that he missed the Black Friday sale.

On the 12^th Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me
How expensive would it be if you bought all the gifts mentioned in that irritating song?  How about $87,402.81?  This is an increase of .9 per cent from last year.  Experts say the costs of birds is much cheaper, but the five gold rings is gonna cost you.  The five gold rings are 43 per cent more expensive than last year.  Three French hens are more expensive than a partridge in a pear tree.  Because minimum wage is up, eight maids-a-milking will now cost $58.  Experts also agree that you will not save any money by trying to shop online for your calling birds or drummers drumming.  Shipping all those geese a-laying and swans a-swimming will cost you about $10,000 more than if you just went to a retailer.

In case you were in the market for some lords a-leaping and all that.  Anyway, I don’t know what they did back in the old days but if my true love gave to me 11 pipers piping or some mess like that, I’d dump his ass.  Five gold rings are acceptable, but I don’t need nine ladies dancing around in my living room.  Thanks anyway.

Fatty Can’t Graduate
If you don’t complete your course requirements, you can’t graduate.  If you don’t receive a passing grade, you can’t graduate.  If you’re too fat, you can’t graduate.  Students at Lincoln University in Pennsylvania have been informed that if they are too fat, they have to take a fitness course in order to graduate.  Students with a BMI over 30 must take the course, and if they don’t succeed, then they don’t get a diploma.  Some students are just not happy about that.  One student says she didn’t come to college just to be told about her weight; she came to get an education.  Since she’s an honour student, she thinks it doesn’t matter that she is ‘slightly overweight.’  Some don’t mind the class, but don’t agree that only fat students have to take the class; they think all students should be mandated.  The university maintains that students are depleting their quality of life by remaining overweight.

As a fat person, I completely agree with this.  I don’t understand why fat people get so offended when people tell them the truth.  I think they take it very personally, as if someone is degrading the internal and that’s just not the case every time.  No one is saying because you’re fat, you’re ugly or stupid, or whatever.  What we’re saying is that because you’re fat, you’re unhealthy.  That’s the bottom line.  You don’t need to be thin, emaciated, scrawny like a super model.  You don’t need to feel poorly about yourself because there’s more of you to love.  But you do need to be concerned about your health and how it affects others around you.  Not me—but your family and your loved ones.  Being unhealthy and overweight is draining.  Today you’re mad because someone called you fat, and tomorrow you’re suicidal because you “can’t understand how you let it get this bad.” 

Today’s Celebrity

Buttocks Bye-Bye
A former Miss Argentina has died after having butt surgery.  Solange Magnano, who was crowned Miss Argentina in 1994, elected to have plastic surgery on her buttocks, but died during the procedure due to complications.  The incident is being investigated.  Argentina is quickly becoming a destination spot for those seeking plastic surgery.  The costs are considerably lower than in the United States.  According to statistics, approximately 1 in 30 Argentines have had plastic surgery. 

One in 30?  That’s a lot of damn surgery.  Some people are so unsatisfied with how they look that they are willing to risk their life just for the sake of beauty.  You don’t need to fix your ass cheeks, honey.  There’s something else going on, something else much deeper that no plastic surgeon is going to be able to cut, mold, bend or manipulate.

Out of My Way, Officer
Al Sharpton’s daughter, Dominique Sharpton faces charges including resisting arrest after she cut off a police officer and then screamed profanities at him after he pulled her over.  She told the officer that he was driving too slow and that she was on her way to a play.  According to the officer she veered out of her lane, ran through a red light and forced another car to swerve out of her way.  While she was being ticketed, she and her mother screaming curse words at the cop.  The police officer claims to have told them to get back in the car, but when they refused, he arrested them both.  According to the complaint, Dominique Sharpton pushed the officer and resisted arrest.

Amusing.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Today’s Thought

An educated man should know everything about something, and something about everything.  ~Dame C.V. Wedgwood

10 Pounds Later #6: I Wannabe a Personal Trainer

So in my quest to lose these last ten pounds, these stubborn ten pounds, I have decided that I would like to become a personal trainer.  Of course, a fat personal trainer wouldn’t hold much credence, so I’m going to have to really work to get these ten pounds off so I can become skinny.  People only listen to skinny people.  Skinny people listen to other skinny people because they are the same.  Fat people listen to skinny people because they want to be skinny too.  Being skinny means you’re smarter.

I think I came to this conclusion because I’m in the gym and I see people struggling to reach their goals.  I see severely overweight people lifting 5 pound weights very slowly, oh so slowly, while munching on a 300 calories Power Bar, and I see them for a few days and after that I never see them again.  Sure, they could have changed their workout routine, but ALL of them?  Unlikely.  There are others I see regularly:  Mr. Sweat-a-Lot on the bench press, Grey Hooded Guy on the elliptical machine, Skinny Housewife on the elliptical machine in the women’s room, and Desperately Skinny Housewife on the weights.  There are a few fatty cakes I see randomly, but I do notice that most of the fatty cakes don’t come back.

It’s because they are in there without a clue as to what they are doing and when they don’t lose a pound after 10 days of “rigorous workout” they give up.  Personal trainers are so damn expensive.  I really want one but I can’t afford $75 for two sessions ten minute sessions every week.  Neither can a lot of people.  I would be reasonable because it would be a part-time job for me.  My life would not depend on overcharging desperate people trying to make a change in their lives.  Helping people lose weight should have minimal costs because thin, skinny people contribute better to society.

One, they look better, providing some lucky man or woman the opportunity to find a date, and dates are always important, especially in this economy.  Two, they work more because they aren’t all fat and unhealthy.  Three, they are natural motivators.  When us fatty cakes see a thin, beautiful person walk past it makes us work all that much harder.  Skinny people are better for the economy.  Since everything in the world is made for skinny people, they can buy it and skinny people make more money so they can afford all the stuff out there for them.  Lastly, skinny people are better for the environment.  Since they take up less space and breathe less than fat people, they leave plenty of oxygen for the ozone layer and leave a smaller carbon footprint.  So, see, thin, skinny people are just better all around.

I was lucky enough to have Mitko all to myself through the initial part of my quest for thinness.  Now I’m in that crucial part, the fork in the road where I can either continue on to all the glamour and fame associated with being skinny, or I could return to the dark side of fatty cakes.  Ten more pounds to meet my goal, but these last ten pounds are the worst.

I’ve been 143 pounds for two months.  All the weight loss and exercise guides say I’m doing something wrong, but you know what, they’re wrong!  All these fancy Ph.D. people and exercise gurus have got it all mixed up.  Because there is no way that I’m over here working out like a nuclear reactor core and eating 200 calories a day and I’m not losing weight.  This is why I need to become a personal trainer, to reveal the truth to other fatty cakes.  Somebody needs to show us how to get over that last hump and how to keep it off for good.

There’s lots of stuff for people who are super fat and there’s lots of stuff for skinny people who just need to tone up, but there’s nothing for that person who has had a long hard struggle and they just have a little bit more to go.  They tell you shit like change up your diet, change up your workout routine, blah blah blah and when none of that stuff works, they fall silent.

Short of taking a steak knife to my own belly and carving this extra fat off, I have no idea what else to do.  Until then, I’m going to have to wait on the whole personal trainer thing.

This is just one more thing put on hold until I get skinny.  Because nothing good happens to you until you’re skinny.

Ten Pounds Later #5: Screwing Up Your Goals

So…. here’s how you totally fuck up your goals.

I work out pretty much most nights of the week.  If I don’t do something I feel completely shitty.  I bought a cheap ass treadmill from Craig’s List, and I don’t allow myself to sit down and watch TV.  I either have to stand or walk on my treadmill.  I can power walk, chill walk or run.  It doesn’t matter.  No sitting allowed.

I have yoga tapes, weight lifting DVDs, cardio tapes.  I got a barbell in here with about 100 pounds of weights.  I got free weights all the way up to 20 pounds.  I have a gym membership and I get my ass thrown around a room at karate twice a week.  There is no excuse for not being active.  If I’m too lazy to go out, I have a home gym.  If I want to go outside, I have places to go.  There’s a running trail around here and I have some steps I can sprint up and down for shits’n'giggles.

NO FREAKIN’ EXCUSES!

Being active is only half the battle though.

YOU HAVE TO CONTROL WHAT THE FUCK YOU EAT.  You cannot…CANNOT… go to the gym for 3 hours then come home and eat a 3 tier cake and some pop rocks.  You just can’t. 

Want to know how to just fuck shit up without even trying? 

Instead of going to the gym, you go to Cakes Plus, order half a dozen cupcakes and a brownie.  Then go over to Baskin Robbins and get two scoops of the most fattening ice cream they have.  Then you eat ALL the cupcakes and most of the ice cream and you lay on your fat ass the rest of the day.

….which pretty much sums up what I did today.

I have less than 30 days to meet my end goal and I am shoving cupcakes into my mouth.  Instead of going to the gym and doing a spinning class, I went over to Maquona’s and had one chocolate on choclate cupcake and two chocolate on vanilla cupcakes… PLUS… half a scoop of Jamoca Almond Fudge and half a scoop of Pralines’n'Cream.  Do you  have any idea how many calories that is?  A scoop of Baskin Robbins ice cream is 270 calories.  We won’t even talk about the carbs.  Cupcakes?  One-hundred calories per cupcake, but that doesn’t include the frosting which has 150 calories for two teaspoons.  TWO FREAKIN’ TEASPOONS!

I just consumed 270+(150*3).  I completely suck ass at math, but let’s see here… 720?  Whatever.  You can round that up to 1000 just to make sure you get every little piece you might have eaten.  Every gooey, creamy, yummy, lickety, frosty crumb.

Just to let you all know.

Now I am home and my treadmill is staring at me like, “What’s up, bitch….”  You think I’m about to get on that thing?  Hell no.  My lazy ass is about to crawl in bed and watch 3 hours of Law and Order, then I’m going to fart, roll over and go to sleep.

That, my friends, is how you DON’T meet your goals.

Just in case you didn’t know.

Okay, yeah, I know what you’re thinking… Everyone is allowed to have a cheat day, and I know I am being hard on myself, but you really have to hold yourself accountable for everything.  You can have your cheat day, but you aren’t supposed to go on a psychotic fat splurge.  Give yourself credit for what you did right, but make sure you understand the things you did wrong. 

I remind myself of this now as buttery creamy frosting settles in my stomach and lick away a piece of cake crumb that has been sitting on my upper lip for the past half hour. 

I think there might be some frosting left underneath my nails.  Excuse me while I gorge myself.

Ten Pounds Later #4

This weekend I weighed myself and discovered that I am within 10 pounds of my target weight.  In the past year and a half I have shed 30 pounds and 10 per cent of my body fat.  It has not been easy, but no pain, no gain, as they say.

The last 10 pounds are the hardest to lose.  You think you’ve made it.  You think you can ease up a little bit, have a little bit more cake, workout a little bit less.  No, this is crunch time.  You are within sight of the finish line and it’s time to go hard or go home.

Last year I set a goal to look as good at That Total Age as I did when I was 17.  That doesn’t necessarily mean I will weigh what I weighed at 17.  It means that I will look good, feel good–look better, feel better than 17.  Sure, at 17 I weighed like 100 pounds but I couldn’t run anywhere.  I didn’t lift weights.  I was terribly out of shape.

I have 32 days until I reach that total age.  I’m not sure I can get these last 10 pounds off in 32 days, but I’m going to try like hell.

I joined a new gym over the weekend because the old gym just wasn’t cutting it for me.  For my first day back in the gym (I had been working out at home), I decided to take a spin class.

I swear to God, I lost 72 pounds in that 90 minute class.  If you have never taken a spinning class before, be prepared to hurt in places you have never hurt before.  Be prepared to feel like Death, Satan and your ex-boyfriend are chasing you all at once. 

First of all, the bike is made to be uncomfortable.  You’re not out for an evening ride through the park in the moonlight.  No, you are there to liquify fat and sweat it out your body.  You are there to work.  Work.  Work.  Work.  The seat is mad small, about 2 inches, hard as shit, made of bricks, nails and concrete.  It does not encourage casual sitting. 

Your ass crack literally hurts.  Not your ass.  Your crack.  Like… I don’t even know how to describe it.  Under your ass, those bones, they’re called sitz bones or some shit, that’s what hurts and after about 5 minutes you either can’t take it anymore or you go numb. 

Then you are leaning forward so that most of your weight is on your wrists and forearms.  Your shoulders are on fire.  You are peddling your life away.  The wheel is weighted so it’s going to keep on spinning whether you feel like it or not.  Unless you want your legs to get all tangled up, you better keep spinning! 

The instructor gives you instructions what you are supposed to do, stand up, sit down, stand up, peddle fast, hover, coast, sprint, fast jog, whatever.  This instructor is a lunatic.  Peddle, peddle, get out of your comfort zone.

She is screaming at you like a demonised psycho.  You don’t want to piss her off, so you keep peddling, faster, faster, faster.  Then I’m in this class with these skinny hoes, that are peddling like they are on a Huffy.  They’ve been taking the class so long that it’s nothing to him.

The woman next to me is Lance Armstrong.  She is mad chillin’ the whole time.  I’m about to die and she’s whistlin’ damn dixie.  Okay, I don’t want to look like an asshole, so I try harder. 

My ass hurts.  My feet hurt from being in the stirrups.  My shoulders hurt from holding my own body weight up for 90 minutes.  My wrists hurt.  Even my eyelashes hurt. 

I’m not a big sweater when I work out, but I was sweating buckets.  My t-shirt was completely soaked.  Sweat all down my back, all in my ass, dripping down the end of my nose, all into my mouth. 

If I don’t weigh 12 pounds by the end of this class, I am an alien.

Thighs are burning, calves are burning.  Peddle, peddle, peddle.  I’m freakin’ peddlin’ okay?  I’m peddlin’ like I’m on my way to meet Jesus.  I was peddlin’ so damn fast that even my hip bones were creaking.  This is ridiculous.

Surprisingly, my  heart could withstand the pressure, but the muscles in my body are literally on fire.  By the time we got to the cool down, I don’t even think I could feel anything anymore.  The woman next to me, Lance Armstrong, she is still peddlin’ like I don’t know what.  Okay, the race is over.  You won, hoe.  Damnit.

I get off the bike and my ass is like…. Oh my God.  Seriously.  I mean, seriously.  I did stretch, but I’m about to do some yoga right now because this is not a game, 2009…. I’m dead serious about getting this last little bit of weight off. 

I get in my car to drive home and I don’t even want to sit down.  I want to stand up driving.  I’m even typing this standing up. 

I’m serious. 

I’m going to go back but it’s going to be a few days because my ass just can’t take it anymore right now. 

I’ll let ya’ll know tomorrow if I’m able to walk or not.

But for real, 500 calories burned in 90 minutes.  That’s breakfast and half my lunch.

I’m also going vegetarian for a little while just to make sure.

When you see that chick comin’, you betta back up.  It ain’t a game, 2009!

10 Pounds Later: Second Quarter Progress Report

It’s that time again:

Time to hold myself accountable for my journey to physical fitness and the fruitless search of thinness.

The whole point of me writing all of this is to really put it out there what I am doing to achieve my goal.  I have found that when you are striving to do something it helps to let everybody in on the secret so that way there is nowhere to hide when you fuck up.  You have to ‘fess up to it, because everybody knows. 

The thing is, I am overweight and I wasn’t happy about it.  I tried to do something about it, but only half-assed and I didn’t really accomplish anything.  Now that I am forcing myself to hold myself accountable, I have achieved real results.  I think it’s because I got on here and told everybody that I weighed 171 pounds and I can’t wait to erase that from everybody’s mind when I tell them my new weight.  I guess it’s a motivator. 

Some women are so pressed about their weight.  It’s a big secret the actual number of pounds they weigh.  They guard their weight more closely than they guard their social security number. 

**in a low whisper** “Yeah, I weigh 191 pounds.”
**much louder** “But my social security number is 171-51-0990, and here’s my PIN number to my debit card 5510!!”

That makes no sense.  Just because you didn’t know I weighed 171 pounds, that doesn’t mean you can’t see that weigh a whole lot.  I don’t care if you weigh 112 pounds.  If you look fat, you’re fat.  That’s all there is to it.  Playing all these cute games isn’t helping you when you’re struggling to lose weight.  Own up to the mistakes you’ve made and move on from there.  The truth shall set you free!

At any rate.  Let’s see how I’m doing.

Exercise
For workouts I was doing tae kwon do twice a week, step aerobics twice a week, yoga 4-5 times a week, weight lifting 4-5 times a week, and random walking and running whenever I felt like it.  My neighbours gave me a treadmill to borrow because the wife was pregnant.  While I had the treadmill I walked or ran almost everyday for at least 30 minutes. 

I had to give the treadmill back in June.  I went on my two week Annual Tour in June, sleeping out in the woods for a week.  During that a week period, I lost 5 pounds because I didn’t eat anything and was taking these crack diet pills.

In July, I had family business to take care of and my little cousin was staying with me.  While he was here, I did not go to the gym at all.  I also did not go to tae kwon do.  He and I walked most afternoons down by the lake, but he can’t walk as fast or as far as I can.  I still continued to lift weights, but no yoga.

He has been gone for almost a week now, and I have started back step aerobics, running/walking everyday, weight lifting and yoga.  I’ll start tae kwon do again in September.

Dieting
I have been maintaining healthy eating habits with random binges of fat, calories and carbs.  While I was in Chicago on my extravaganza, that was a non-stop fat fast.  While on Annual Tour, I hardly ate anything.  While the kid was here, we ate out quite a few times a week, had extravagant desserts a few times a week, but I did cook more healthy meals when I did cook because he was here and I didn’t want him eating junk all the time. 

Results
Now for the numbers, because that’s all anybody cares about.

July 2007: 
Weight:  171 pounds. 
Chest:  44
Waist:  36.75
Lower belly:  40.25
Hips:  43.5
Body fat: 42 %
Size:  12

Really about to be a 14.  The 12 was cutting off my circulation, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to Lane Bryant.

By military standards I was considered grossly overweight.  By normal people standards, obese, almost morbidly obese.  Either way, disgusting and unacceptable and not the way I would want to be described.

April 2008:
Weight:  155
Chest:  38
Waist:  33.5
Lower belly:  34.75
Hips:  40.5
Body fat:  39%
Size:  Squeezing into an 8! 

At the white girl stores, I do need a 10 for this ass, but I can wear an 8 stretch.  I got a size 6 dress that I can actually pull up.  Can’t zip yet.  Working on it.

Still overweight for the military, but no longer considered morbidly obese.  Thank God for small blessings.

August 2008
Weight:  149
Chest:  38
Waist:  33
Lower belly:  35
Hips:  39.0
Body fat:  38%
Size:  8/10

Still can’t fit that size 6 dress I bought awhile ago.  It’s the chest actually that’s the problem. 

Military says still fat, but I feel and look loads better, so the military can kiss my sparkly ass.  At any rate, while I lost pounds, I didn’t lose very many inches and that’s actually what you need to lose in order to lose body fat.  You can be skinny as a stick but still have too high body fat.  Working on it.

Goal for December 2008:
Weight:  135
Chest:  34/36
Waist:  28
Lower belly:  31
Hips:  38
Body fat:  33%
Size:  6, maybe a 4.

Not sure if I am going to achieve this.  At the end of the October, I may have to re-evaluate to see if this is realistic.  It seems like losing an additional 15 pounds is easy, but in all actuality it’s just not. 

The scientists make it seem like a simple math problem.  Calories you eat minus the calories you expend, but the more and more your body becomes physically fit the easier it is to do certain exercises.  So when you first started, it may have taken you 500 calories to run a mile, but the more you run that mile, eventually it will only take you 250 calories to run the same mile.  Your body is more efficient.  Have to step up the pace, run longer, run faster, hills, and all that shit. 

Some of my workouts seem easy.  I can run and still watch Jeopardy! and answer the questions and everything, where before I could hardly even pay attention to what he was saying.  I need to make my workouts more demanding.

I also need to continue to control my sweet tooth.  Even now I am fiending for that last little bit of brownie I have in the pan. 

I wrote before the last 15 pounds to lose are always hardest.  I just need to remain focused.  2008 is half over and I don’t want to bring in 2009 as Bessie the Cake Eater. 

Bottom Line:
Continue to vary workouts, control eating habits and just remain positive.  Feel proud of myself that I actually looked good in my skanky ass shorts and not like an overloaded sausage.  Keep hope alive that one of these days I will breeze into one of Leon’s parties as a size 6 with flat Janet Jackson abs and Remy silk down to my perfectly shaped apple bottom.

It’s good to dream.

Ten Pounds Later #2: The Devil Teaches Aerobics

OMG.

The gym I go to has two buildings.  One is in a shopping centre near my Tae Kwon Do school and the other is across the street.  I usually go across the street, but I was bored and decided to go to the one in the shopping centre.

I did two classes.  One was cardio kickboxing.  It’s okay, but as a very wise woman once said, “My instructor doesn’t want me doing anything that my derail his teachings.”  Cardio kickboxing is good for cardio workout, but bad for people who actually take martial arts since the cardio class is not really focused on form.  You could develop bad habits from a class like that.

But the second class…. Cross Training.

Sounds so simple.  Sounded like it might be a cardio plus weight training class.  Oh, it was.  But nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

First of all, the instructor was sexxy as hell.  If I was gay, I’d be on that.  In fact, she might turn me gay.  She was older, but her body was bad.  I would say her shoulders were a little too muscled for me, but she was toned, small ass waist, curvy hips, round butt, nice thighs.  I was like… Oh my god, I want my body to look just like that.  She was a white lady but she didn’t look like some skinny ass crack whore.  And she didn’t look like some nasty ass body builder either.

Every woman has felt like this, even women who are very confident in themselves.  Every  now and again you come across a woman who is just so bangin’ that you feel like Fatty McFattypants next to her.  When you see a woman like that, you just want to put a garbage bag over your head and make a quiet exit.  Don’t even lie.  I have serious confidence in myself and I don’t hate on others who got it going on, but I have come across a few women that I’m like… goddamn!  This lady was one of them.  I’m sure even Beyonce has come across another woman who is just so on point that she is like… wait a minute.   I bet when this lady puts on her regular clothes she is a bad bitch.  But you can’t let that intimidate you.  You should let that motivate you.

I swear to you, in a year I am gonna be a bad bitch just like that.  I am not even playing.

But just as I was enamoured of her and jealous of her body, there is no time for that in her class.  She turned her music on and we just got to jumping.  The first twenty-five minutes was this crazy ass step-cardio high intensity routine.  You know I’m unco-ordinated and I was jumping all over the place like Cat On a Hot Tin Roof.  It doesn’t matter if you can’t do the moves, you just have to keep moving.  Burn calories.  In those 25 minutes I burned every calorie I have ever consumed in my entire life.

Part two:  weight training.

She did mega-sets.

Some people when they go to the gym, they pick an exercise.  We’ll see bicep curls.  They will do 3 sets of 15 each.  In between each set, you’ll take a 30 second break or whatever and do your next set and go on down the line until you get to your next exercise.  Not this lady.  We did 3 sets of every exercise, but every exercise was back-to-back-to-back-to-back.  No break.  She demanded that you pick the heaviest you could carry without hurting yourself.

Then if she caught you resting or getting sloppy she would call you out.  After 3 sets of chest presses, my chest was fried.  Then she wanted to do push-ups.  I can do push-ups.  But after chest presses, I don’t think so.  Then she wanted to do elevated push-ups.  I tried.  I did like two.  And then I got down on the floor and she was like, “Excuse me… You!  Lady in the back.  Did you come here by yourself?”

I was like.. yeah.

She said, “Oh, brave, brave girl.  But I want to see you do them elevated.  Get up on the step!”

I’m like… uhm, am I in basic training again?

Anybody she saw doing the exercise wrong, she was on their ass.  Anybody that was lazy, she was on their ass.  Anybody had too light of weights, she was on their ass.  See, most instructors, they don’t really care.  They are getting paid whether you get results or not.  In fact, they don’t even want you to get results because if you lose the weight you want, you won’t come back.

This lady was like, I don’t give a damn, you will work in this class.  She had us in there working like Hebrews.  I knew two girls in the class from my step class and they both said, “This class is hard.”  They weren’t even lying.

I think I worked more in that hour and a half than I ever have in my whole life put together, basic training included.  I had to leave early because it was getting late, but I will be back.

And that’s just the thing.  I am so motivated right now, you wouldn’t even believe.  I was on the phone with Ceciley just now and we were talking about our goals.  Ceciley is already thin.  I’m not.  And it’s not just about me being thin.  It’s about me having the bangin’est body I can get.

I don’t want to die when I’m 40.

I don’t want to have any hip, knee, etc replacements.

I don’t want to be in no wheel chair when I’m 50.

I want to be able to save my life if I should ever need to.

But I also have some very selfish goals.

I want to look better at 30 than I did at 17.

Whenever I run into an old boyfriend or the skanky hoe that he ditched me for, I want her to be like, “Goddamn, she looks good as hell,” and I want him to be like, “I should have never left her,” so I can be like, “You can’t even look at me.  Go back to the fat sloppy hoe you left me for.”

I want them to eat their hearts out.

I want every person that ever hated on me to have yet another reason to hate.

I want every person that cannot stand me to have yet another reason to just really dislike me.

I just want to be that chick.

I told Ceciley that I have brains, beauty and power.  I just need the body to pull it all together.  I’m already stuck up; I just need the total package to really be on myself.

Tiffany, that’s the instructor, is the devil and her class is called Hell.  I will be there every Tuesday and Thursday at 700 and she is going to help me achieve my results.

I would like to be 10 pounds lighter by the end of summer and have some serious muscle toning going on in my arms.  I need this flabbiness to go bye-bye!

I promise you.  There are 15 days until my birthday and there are 380 days until my next birthday.  I am planning on having a huge party to celebrate the milestone.  I will look the best I ever have in my entire life.  When I was 17, I was skinny but not toned and attractive.  When I’m 30, I’m just gonna be like whoa.  I have 380 days to achieve this.

There’s gonna be ups and downs.  There’s gonna be late night ice cream binges and egg foo young crazes.  There’s gonna be whole weeks where I don’t even look at a weight.  There’s gonna be mad excuses.  There’s gonna be a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears.

But I promise you in 380 days I will be 130 pounds with a flat tummy, well-toned arms, a sexxy ass, and thighs that just make you wanna slap yourself.

I’m not even playing.