Operation: WTF (Day 230)

Mutha Fuckas

Have a bowl of Mutha Fuckas and mind your own business.

I would like to ask all my church-going friends and battle buddies to pray for me because I am truly about to punch somebody in the face.  It is like nobody wants me to a peaceful, calm individual.  Every time I mellow out and relax a little bit, start to feel comfortable, someone does or says something to get me irritated all over again.  And the sad part was that today was a good day at the end of a string of good days.  Me and my battle buddies are out, having a good time, going for a nice little jog, having a friendly challenge.  I have been improving my run time consistently.  I feel like I have lost a little weight (even though the scale don’t say so).  Generally, it has been peaceful.  I still can’t wait to get on the first plane back home to America, but my usual angst-anger-bitchiness has been at an all-time low this week.  So why do these people persist?  Why, God?  I don’t question you but help me understand because I am just confused right now.

Like the minute I walk in the door, someone passed on some information to me that was just so patently ridiculous that I hardly even knew how to respond.  And it is one of those things that you cannot react to because it will only cause more trouble.  I am almost certain as to the source of this foolishness, but if I try to address the situation it can be easily turned around to make me look like the asshole.  I am just so fed up.  I have been trying so hard to do the right thing.  I don’t want to make trouble for myself or my team.  I realise I have probably messed up a lot of things and burnt some bridges that can never be amended.  All I can do is try ride out the rest of this debacle without any further incident.  BUT PEOPLE JUST PERSIST.  I swear, you think I am just talking.  I am dead serious.  I took boxing for two years.  I may not be Laila Ali, but if I catch you at the right moment, I got a mean-ass right hook.  JUST FOR YOU.

50 Things Real Adults Do That I Don’t Do

I borrowed this from one Ms. Johanna de Silentio.  I found it on a friend’s Facebook page.  Out of boredom I started reading it and then I died laughing because it was just so moronic.  I am not sure how this woman came up with this list–if it came from her own delusions or from someone else’s.  Usually I like lists of things, but this one was pretty sad.  Since I do not have anything better to do with my time and not classified as a “real adult,” and this was the stupidest things I have ever read, I present you with my response.

 

1. Make their bed.   Adults make their beds, but Johanna de Silentio doesn’t.  Where I come from, children are taught to make their beds and hopefully, if the parents were any good, this is something that follow the child into adulthood.  I guess if you don’t like to make your bed you are not an adult.
2. Own a pet or a child.  I was not aware that it had become legal to own children.  Regardless, I don’t have either and don’t have any plans to do so.  I guess that means I will never grow up.
3. Have a stress-free conversation with the mechanic.  Do children typically have conversations with mechanics?  Usually, owning a car and taking care of it is a very adult thing.  If the mechanic tells you your vehicle needs an engine overhaul I can see how that would be very stressful.  But not if you’re a real adult.  If you’re a real adult, you can just plunk down thousands of dollars without stress or concern for your other household bills and obligations.
4. Have more than one set of sheets.  What if you are a very frugal adult?  Or what if this is all you can afford?  I guess you’re not a real adult.
5. sAvInGs aCcOuNt.  This is exactly as it was written by Johanna (sans the bold and underline).  She is definitely letting us know that she is not a real adult with this up and down style of writing that is usually found on teenage Facebook accounts.  I had a savings account at age 10.  I was already exhibiting the maturity of a real adult at that time, even though I still played with Barbie.
6. Wear jewelry.  Since my current profession does not allow for the wearing of jewelry, I guess I am not a real adult.
7. Decorate their homes for holidays.  I do not typically celebrate the holidays and there are a number of adult Americans that don’t either.  Therefore, they are not real adults.
8. Remember birthdays.  Johanna did not specify whose birthday a real adult would remember, their own, or other real adults?  What if they are Jehovah’s Witness or Amish and do not place any special significance on birthdays?  Can they not be real adults in this case?
9. Know what they are going to eat for a meal more than 5 minutes out.  There have been many occasions where I could not figure out what I wanted to eat.  Sometimes my friends and I are at a loss in making a decision.  I guess we have not matured enough into creating a yearly menu that we could follow so that we always know what we are to eat more than five minutes prior.
10. Pack lunches.  This is another vague stipulation to real adulthood.  Pack lunches for who?  The children that I should own?  Or pack my own lunch or for other real adults?  I suppose I am being facetious and I am sure that Johanna meant real adults pack their lunches for work.  Being single, I find this often unsatisfying, inconvenient and sometimes more expensive than it should be.  In order to be seen as an adult, I should pack an unnecessary lunch.
11. Stay in hotels on vacation instead of your friend’s cool floor.  After my stress-free conversation with the mechanic, I find that I can no longer afford a hotel or a vacation, so I am much obliged if a friend of mine allows me to crash at her place.  Most people do prefer their own accommodations but I do not know any real adults that would balk at an opportunity for anything free, especially in these trying economical times.
12. Watch TV news.  Despite the fact that Johanna has professed that she is not a real adult, I believe she may have been born somewhere in the 50s.  The TV is a great way to catch up on news, but it is 2012 and in these fascinating modern times, real adults are able to get the news via any number of media outlets.  But since real adults watch news, I am still a wayward child if I should glance at a newspaper every now and again, or God forbid, read the news on a news website.
13. Networking.  This is one I will grant Johanna.  This is a skill that comes naturally to few people.  The rest of us have to grow into it, and that does come from experience and maturity.  So far, Johanna, you’ve got one.  I’ll give you that.
14. Have a landline.  Okay, really?  The only people I know with landlines are the idiots who have “bundled” cable packages.  They thought they were saving money by buying something most of them don’t need or even use.  For me, a landline was a total waste of money because I was never home enough to use it and none of my friends wanted to bother with a second phone number.  If you call my cell you can always get me.  Call the house, you’ll just end up calling the cell anyway.  But only real adults know this.
15. Care about their friend’s babies.  What if you don’t know any friends with babies?  Can you not be a real adult?
16. Drive to bars.  Only so you can drive home from the bar totally sloshed.  That’s a real adult for you.  But the real question is how do non-real adults get to bars?
17. Live in the suburbs.  What’s wrong with living in the city, or in a rural area?  So discounting age, about 65% of the American population is not a real adult because they live in a city?
18. Avoid taking public transportation.  At this point I am dying laughing, but then I understand Johanna’s logic.  Many people that live in the city, especially big metropolises take public transportation.  Since they aren’t real adults because they live in the city, it doesn’t matter that they take public transportation because that is not what real adults do.  Forget about the fact that it might be more convenient or cheaper, or maybe you’re a person that cares about the environment and you want to help reduce your carbon footprint by not owning a car.  I think Johanna is right:  everyone should move out of New York City to Westchester and buy a car and then commute into the city for their jobs.  That’s what real adults do…. create congestion and smog.
19. Get enough sleep.  Babies get enough sleep.  Are they real adults?
20. Go to church > ~1x/year  What if you’re an atheist?  Or Jewish or Muslim or any other religion that doesn’t require church presence?  You’re not a real adult.
21. Get their cars detailed.  What if you’re able to do it yourself?  Does that count?  I never had my car detailed because I kept it clean enough that it never required it.  Is that not adult enough?
22. Mow a lawn.  What if you don’t have a lawn?  Wait a minute, since real adults live in suburbia they have lawns.  But wait, what if you live in an apartment in suburbia?  You’re not an adult?
23. Use coupons.  I don’t even know how to respond to this.  Maybe because I don’t use coupons, but then we’ve established that I am not much of a real adult.
24. Bake things for people at work.  Again, I’m laughing.  Although I know a lot of men that bake, I know a ton more that don’t.  I also know a ton of women that don’t bake.  Guess they’re not real adults.
25. Make conversation with adult strangers.  It is 2012 and it’s a war out there.  It’s not really safe to be striking up conversations with adult strangers, but I guess they do that in suburbia.  I wouldn’t know, not being a real adult.
26. Haven’t convinced their 11-year-old cousin they personally know Justin Bieber.  I’m just going to leave this one alone.  It’s just too stupid for words.  Even if you AREN’T a real adult, who would purposely try to convince anyone that they knew Justin Bieber, or any celebrity for that matter, unless they had some kind of mental issue?
27. Shower before work + blow dry hair.  I happen to bathe at night because I don’t like to get into bed dirty.  I also don’t blow dry my hair because it is damaging.  So another fail for me.
28. Natural look make-up.  What about no make-up, does that count?
29. Paint their nails with neutral colors.  I had always thought of myself as a real adult, despite the fact that Johanna has informed me that I am not.  At any rate, I do sometimes wear outrageous nail colour.  I guess that has sealed my fate.
30. Wear sandals that aren’t metallic flip-flops.  I am not sure why anyone would wear metallic flip flops.  I guess she meant metallic-coloured flip-flops but there’s really know trying to guess where Johanna is concerned.
31. Matching place settings.  What if you’re single and don’t entertain much?
32. Own “place settings”  What if can’t afford it or you never have anyone over?  Does it matter if you have place settings?
33. Ask their dads for a favor without using a baby voice.  Something tells me that Johanna is very good at this.
34. Wash clothes after each wear.  I have a number of items that require dry cleaning.  Is that the same thing?
35. Use wash clothes.  I am assuming she meant washcloths, but at any rate, what about those loufahs.  That’s too childish?
36. Use shapewear.  Here is another hysterical laughing point for me.  Real adults use shapewear?  What if you are in excellent shape and do not require shapewear? What about men?  Are real adult males expected to wear corsets and butt padding?
37. Invest.  Okay, another point for Johanna.  This is another of those things that does come with maturity and ability.
38. Refer to things as “investments”  What things, precisely?
39. Feel ambivalent about getting something for free.  Despite making a comfortable salary I am always excited to receive something for free.  Any time I can save money it’s a good thing, but in order to be a real adult you must be blase about it.  Too much excitement is childish.
40. Subscribe to magazines they read regularly instead of buying them each month at the newsstand price.  Johanna gets a third point from me because this does make good sense.  I don’t know if you have to be a real adult to figure this one out though.
41. Return library books.  Since I am in the habit of stealing library books, there goes my credibility as a real adult.  This one was just stupid.  I’ve known a few people who have accidentally forgotten about a library book but I do not know anyone who has purposely taken a book without any plan to return it.
42. Scrapbook.  Really?  Real adults scrapbook.
43. Feel a genuine curiosity about the different types of wine.  What if you do not like wine or don’t drink at all?  What if beer is your thing?  What if you just want to get sloshed and don’t care how it happens, whether it’s red or white or French brandy?
44. Correct grammar.  Unless you’re an English teacher, you’re screwed.
45. Send faxes.  1987 anyone?  I’m not sure I’ve faxed anything since high school.  They have scanners now, or didn’t you know that Johanna?
46. Keep important documents in a file cabinet/not throw them away in a feng shui attack.  I give Johanna a half point for this one.  It is important to keep documents that you’ll need later, but you don’t need a file cabinet and if it’s beginning to clutter it’s time to get rid of things.  As I mentioned before, they have these things called scanners now.
47. Grow plants recreationally.  This is just as dumb as scrapbooking.
48. Vote for Republicans.  What about the rest of America?  They’re not adults?  I mean, real adults?
49. Watch network television shows.  What precisely about network TV makes one a real adult?  What if you prefer reading instead of TV?
50. Dream about retirement.  Another half point, bringing the grand total to four.  Retirement is important and I think a real adult does spend some time contemplating retirement, but dreaming about it?  Unless you are the day before 67 (or whatever the retirement age is) and about to start collecting that check with no fear the money will run out, I guess life sucks for you because you are not a real adult.

The Afronista Rants #19: x(white teachers) + y(black students) + z(slavery) = how many problems?

Let’s do a math problem, guys.

Let’s take x white teachers plus y black students plus z inappropriate slavery questions and figure out how many problems will result.

In order to figure out this problem, let’s examine some facts.

So, a group of nine teachers at an elementary school in Georgia decided that it would be a really awesome idea to correlate their students’ coursework in Social Studies with their math homework.  In theory, this sounds like a great idea.

But what if your child, black, white or Chinese, came home with a math problem like these:

Each tree has 56 oranges.  If 8 slaves picked them equally, how many oranges did each slave pick?

If Frederick gets two beatings a day, how many beatings will he get in one week?

I know that I have a warped sense of humour, but when I first read this article I started laughing.  It’s so embarrassing that it’s funny.  If my kid came home with this sort of nonsense, his answers would be something like this:

Q.  If Frederick gets two beatings a day, how many beatings will he get in one week?

A.  None, because Frederick will shoot his master and join the Underground Railroad.

But seriously, the teachers at this school really ought to be ashamed of themselves.  Let met caveat by saying that I do not know the true racial makeup of the teachers nor do I know the racial makeup of the students with this math homework.  Given the location this incident occurred, I will say the teachers were probably mostly white and the students were mostly white with a good helping of black kids.  It’s so ridiculous that only white teachers would come up with this sort of crap, and if by some unlikely chance that there were black teachers involved, it just makes the whole thing even more laughable.

There are plenty of ways to teach students about slavery, but this is a little bit over the top.  I am all for not pretending that slavery didn’t happen.  What amazes me about this situation is that no one sat down to think if it might offend someone.  I do not believe that every white person is racist.  I bet none of these teachers are racists (if they are all white).  It just didn’t occur to them how idiotic this situation is.  And that’s what’s so scary, how people just don’t think.  Nobody ever stops to think how other people might feel about a certain situation.

The NAACP wants the teachers fired.  Everyone always wants to dole out the maximum punishment, but as offensive as this is, I don’t think the teachers should be fired.  I think they should attend some serious sensitivity training.  They should also have to do some role reversal where they get to walk in other people’s shoes for a little while, to see how it feels to always be the butt of someone’s joke.  I doubt these teachers are racist, just thoughtless.

So, now that we’ve had time to consider the above question, you will discover that there is no solution.  So here’s a new question:

9 teachers send out 5 resumes a day for 5 days. What is the maximum amount of rejection letters that can be written in response?

Cubicle Death #16: Answer the Damn Phone!

So, I work in an area where there are several offices.  All of these offices are not related.  In general, we have no idea what is going on in each other’s office.  Oh, and by the way, the offices are not separated by walls.  It’s just a bunch of desks, a low cubicle wall and some more desks, a low cubicle wall and some other desks.

The office that is across from mine is a military office.  In addition to all their paperwork, they also have military tasks.  They have to do PT in the morning.  They have to go to the weapons range.  They have to do a lot of military things, so they aren’t always in their office.

They have a loud ass ringing phone that is incredibly annoying when there is no one to answer it.  Occasionally, because I cannot stand the sound of the phone I will answer it and leave a message for them.  When they are in the office they pick up on the first ring so it’s not problem.

This morning, they are out of the office.  Who knows where they are.  The phone starts ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  And ringing.  Whoever is calling must be calling all the different numbers associated with the office, not realising that even though there are four numbers for every office, all the numbers ring the same damn phone.

The phone has been ringing non-stop for 30 minutes.  It’s aggravating.  But what makes it more aggravating?  One of the military personnel comes into the office and sits down.  Presumably, he is waiting for the people who actually work there to come back.  The phone is ringing.  He just stares at it.  The phone rings continually for about five minutes.  Everyone in my office is starting to get irritated.  Even the office on the other side of ours is like, “Whose phone is that?”  The military guy is staring at the phone.

I’m like, “Could you please answer the phone?”

He says….

.… wait for it…….

………………………wait for it………………………….

“I would, but I don’t know how to use it.”

What the fuck do you mean, you don’t know how to use a phone?  I got so mad that I couldn’t even respond to such a stupid statement.  There is another military office on the other side of my office and the guy that works in there is pretty high ranking.  He gets up out of his desk and walks all the way across the hallway to the young military guy and the loud ass ringing phone.

“Do you work over here?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Can you answer the phone?”

“I would, but I don’t know how.”

“You pick up the receiver and say ‘hello.’  And then you take a message if you’re not able to help them.  It’s very easy.”

We do not have any special phones over here.  No, they aren’t like your average house phone but it’s like any office where you have multiple lines.  You pick up the receiver and press the flashing light (that’s the line that’s ringing) and then you say, “Hello.”  How hard is that?  Well, we don’t say ‘hello,’ but you get my meaning.  It’s not rocket fucking science.

This jackass will sit there and let the phone ring for ten minutes straight because he claims he does not know how to use a phone.  Really?  Really??????  Where do they get these people!?!!?

Stupid People Encounters #1

My office building has a cafeteria that serves food all day.  At breakfast you can get pastries, doughnuts, waffles, pancakes, omelets, coffee, etc.  They have stuff that is pre-made, a hot grill where you can get eggs made to order and packaged stuff.  They have large tureens with grits, cream of wheat and oatmeal.

Every morning I get eggs, toast and oatmeal.  Today I skipped the eggs because I brought my own.  I am trying to cut down how much money I spend upstairs.  I try not to get the oatmeal and toast but I can’t resist.  I get a small bowl of oatmeal, a pinch of sugar and a little bit of granola.  I get whole grain toast and four butters.  Two butters for my toast and two for my oatmeal.  I’ve been getting the same thing for the whole two years I’ve been working here.

The line is very long, and there’s a new lady opening up another register.  She’s not new, really, she just doesn’t usually work on the register.  When I go up to pay she says, “Oh, you can only have two butters.”

“Okay.”  I just looked at her.  I assume that I can only have two butters for free and that I will have to pay for the other two.  This is fine.  How much can butter be?  And anyway, who cares?  I want it no matter how much it costs.

She is staring me down.  “You can only have two.”

“That’s fine.”

“You got to put those back.”

“Why can’t I just pay for them?”

She looks at me like the thought never occurred to her that I should pay for it rather than put it back.

Then I said, “And anyway, I don’t get any condiments for my oatmeal?”

“No.  You get cheese with the oatmeal.”

“Cheese?”

Cheese?  Who the hell puts cheese in their oatmeal?  I know plenty of people who eat oatmeal but I’ve never met anybody who puts cheese in it.  I know people who like butter.  Some people prefer sugar.  Others put in granola, or bananas, even milk.  One guy I know puts syrup in his oatmeal, but cheese?

“Why would you put cheese in your oatmeal?”

“Cheese comes with the hot cereal.”

Presumably “hot cereal” means oatmeal, cream of wheat and grits.  Yes, cheese can go in grits.  But cheese does not go in oatmeal or cream of wheat.  Those hot cereals are sweet.  Grits can go either way.

“That’s just gross.  Cheese does not go in oatmeal, but whatever.  How much do I owe?”

“And anyway, I don’t even know what oatmeal is.”

I am dumbfounded.  Who the hell doesn’t know what oatmeal is?  Seriously.  I know plenty of people who do not like oatmeal.  I know people who call oatmeal by a different name.  I’ve never met anybody besides newborns who don’t know what oatmeal is.  That’s just bizarre.

If you had never heard of oatmeal then how did you come up with idea that cheese should go into it?  How are you a food service employee but yet you’ve never heard of oatmeal?  It is truly amazing the people they hire.  Most of the other employees are special, but even they are not as dumb as this woman.

I see stupid people.

Daily News 6/18

Today is Friday, June 18.  It is the 169^th day of the year with 196 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1812, the United States declared war against Britain.
In 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte met his Waterloo, as British and Prussian troops defeated the French in Belgium.
In 1983, Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.

Just Doing My Part
An American citizen, not associated with any government or military, was detained near the Pakistani border after he claimed that he was looking for Osama bin Laden.  The man had a pistol, a sword, night vision goggles and Christian religious books. He was trying to cross into Afghanistan when he was stopped.  He told authorities that he’d been to the area several times since 9/11 looking for Osama bin Laden and that he had no intention of trying to kill him.

Yeah, okay, he wasn’t really trying to kill him.  There is a reward for $50 million for the one who turns Osama ben Laden in, dead or alive.  If I had any sense I’d be out there looking for him too.

The Biggest Gainer
A New Jersey woman has decided that she doesn’t want to be the Biggest Loser, but the Biggest Gainer.  She is attempting to eat her way to 1000lbs.  Currently, the 42 year old woman weighs more than 600 pounds.  You can visit supersizedbombshells.com where she models as a super plus sized model.  Also on the website are videos of her eating greasy food and attempting to walk to her car.  The woman, who wears XXXXXL size clothing, says she loves the attention and wants to be a spokeswoman for big women everywhere.  She wants them to know that size doesn’t matter and that they can lead a happy life.  She currently has two children and will be getting married next year in Hawaii.  She says she is very healthy and doesn’t believe that her weight will cause medical problems, even though she does have Type 2 diabetes.  Her fiancé says he finds her very sexy.

I’m all for healthy self-esteem no matter what size you are.  Some people equate being thin with being happy and beautiful, and that’s not always the case.  Some also equate being thin with being healthy, and that ain’t necessarily true either.  No matter what size you are, you need to feel good about yourself and try to be the healthiest you can.  Being 1000 pounds is not healthy and I don’t give a damn what this woman says.  She is not happy; that is why she wants the attention.  She figures being a little bit fat isn’t that special so she’ll just be a whole lotta fat and maybe someone will love her.  Her lame excuse that her heart is just fine pales to the fact that she can barely walk two steps away from her couch.  She can’t even go outside and play with her kids but she wants to be a spokesperson for fat women everywhere.  Okay.  You’re going about it the wrong way.  You’ll get plenty of attention when they have to forklift your dead carcass over to a landfill to bury you when you die of obesity-related diseases.

Your Own Thief
A Georgia man has been arrested after he was found driving the car he claimed someone had stolen.  The man called police to say the motel room he was staying in had been broken into and his keys stolen.  He said that his 2001 Acura Integra had been stolen.  Police put out an APB for the car and soon discovered the car being driven in another part of town.  When they pulled over the driver of the car, they discovered that the thief was actually the man who owned the car.  Police discovered that he was under the influence of alcohol and arrested him.  The man claimed the reason he reported the car stolen was because a friend had borrowed the car and failed to return it.

See why shouldn’t drink and drive?  You just end up looking like an asshole, and there’s really no hope for you.

Crazy For Cakesters
Florida police are searching for a man who broke into a dollar store and stole nothing but a box of Oreo  cakesters.  A surveillance video shows a man breaking through a glass door and then rummaging around in the store.  A few minutes later, the man leaves with the box of Oreo Cakesters, valued at $2.50.  No other items were reported missing.

I’ve had cakesters and they aren’t that great to be busting up in to a dollar store.  Is it that serious that this guy didn’t have $2.99 or however much it costs to go to the store and buy some?  Or maybe he did have the money and the store was just closed and now he’s having some kind of withdrawal and that’s what made him bust the store open.  Where do they get these people?

Don’t Feed the Bums
San Diego store owners have put signs in their storefront windows saying, “Don’t Feed the Bums.”  It’s a little joke from the National Park Service slogan “Don’t feed the bears.”  San Diego shop owners on the beach say that the “bums” hanging around are damaging their businesses and harassing customers.  “Don’t Feed the Bums” isn’t meant for that typical bum you think of, the Vietnam vet suffering from Agent Orange, but a new generation of bums:  young, aggressive panhandlers who don’t want to work and would rather just beg for money instead.  One such bum said, “Everything I’ve ever had in the material world failed me miserably.  Honestly, I’ve never been happier.”  Police say most of the new bums are young adults with cell phones, coming from wealthy families.  There have also been reports of violence against those who did not give the bums money.

This is precisely why I do not give money to any one at all.  I can never tell if someone is truly in need of my help or if they are just bullshitting me.  I saw on Dateline a few years ago, this woman was recording her child’s birthday party and just so happened to capture one of these so-called bums on tape.  This fool stood outside all day long begging for change and then went around the corner and hopped in an Escalade.  The woman submitted the tape to Dateline and they tracked the man down using his license plate number.  He lived in a very wealthy suburb in Orange County, California.  He owned three cars and had a gigantic pool in the back yard.  They interviewed him and his wife, who was sitting there in her Tiffany and Prada, and the man said, “If people are going to give me the money, why shouldn’t I take it?”  He said he gets enough to pay the note on his truck and the Mercedes his daughter drives at college.  After I saw that, I never gave a brown penny to anybody ever again.  There are real people who do need help but you can help in other ways.  When I see bums, I give them food.  This is a good indication if they really need it or not.  If they accept the food and eat it, they are grateful and need your help.  If they get pissed and start cussing at you, yeah, they don’t need shit but a job and a life.

Today’s Thought

The way of a superior man is three-fold; virtuous, he is free from anxieties; wise, he is free from perplexities; bold, he is free from fear.  –Confucius

Daily News April 5

Today is Monday, April 5, 2010.  It is the 95^th day of the year with 270 to go.

Today’s History

In 1614, Pocahontas married John Rolfe in Virginia.
In 1951, the Rosenbergs were sentenced to death for conspiring to commit espionage with the Soviet Union.

Today’s News

He’s Dead, Jim
A Pennsylvania man has been charged with one count of public drunkenness after he made a spectacle of himself attempting to revive a dead opossum.  Witnesses say that the opossum had been dead for quite some time, an apparent road kill victim, when the drunk man insisted that he would be able to resuscitate it.  The police report does not describe how the man attempted to revive the dead animal.

I think I don’t even know what to say to this.  He must have been TRASHED.  Road kill + mouth-to-mouth = you don’t even wanna go there.

Daddy Daycare
Police have arrested two men in Michigan for child abandonment.  Someone called the police to report seeing two children locked inside a vehicle at a bowling alley.  When police arrived, they arrested two men, ages 27 and 28, who happened to be the father and uncle of the children.  The kids were aged six and four, and they told police that they had been in the car for two days while their father and uncle drove around getting drunk and partying.  The children were supposed to be with their father for visitation this particular weekend, and they are now returned to their mother.

I guess the argument could be made that he at least attempted to see his children—or not.  So you go pick up the kids because it’s your weekend, and instead of being an actual daddy to the kids, you take them on a two day joyride while you get completely trashed with your uncle.  Why are the father and uncle so close in age?  I know it happens, but it’s still kind of odd.  Anyway, why didn’t he just leave the kids at home?  That isn’t safe, but neither is being locked in a car for two days straight with barely anything to eat and beer bottles strewn all over the place.  Again, I will complain that anybody is allowed to breed.

Just Trying To Help
An Ohio boy just wanted to do his part to help out his parents when he decided to take the family van to get some gas.  The father, who was home taking a nap, didn’t even realize that his son had found his mother’s keys and then attempted to drive the van to the gas station.  The boy was driving about 5 MPH when he lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a telephone pole.  He told police that he could not reach the pedals.

See, there are some decent kids out there that want to help out, do their part with the household chores, but I think this is taken it a little too far kid.  Let’s say the kid did make it to the gas station, how did he intend to pay for the gas?  Got to think things through kid, and now look what you did:  you wrecked the van which your father now has to pay for.  Don’t worry, he’s taking it out of your allowance.

While I’m Here
An 82 year old woman decided that she may as well get her hair done after she ran her car through the front window of a salon.  Maybe the woman was on her way to get her done anyway, who knows?  But she crashed her car, then got out and went up to the counter to make an appointment to get her hair done.  Two people were injured during the incident.  The woman says she was very embarrassed about the incident, but needed to have her hair done.

I guess she figured that since she was about to take a police mug shot, she might as well look good.

I Needed a Ride Home
California police have arrested a man on auto theft and drunk driving charges, after the man stole an unattended ambulance so he could get a ride home.  The man had just spent a few hours in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out early Saturday morning.  He went outside to get a cab and instead found an ambulance in the parking lot with the keys still in the ignition.  Because the city’s ambulances have GPS, police were able to find him quickly, and when they did, the man refused to pull over.  He led police on a low-speed chase through a residential neighbourhood before the police finally put an end to the entire escapade by setting out spike strips.

So, he was already in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out.  Was he still drunk when he decided to take the ambulance, or was he just that stupid?  How did he get to the hospital in the first place?  Did his friends bring him or was he found super trashed in the streets somewhere?  These articles always leave out the good stuff.

You Said You Could Drive a Stick!
Two men in Pennsylvania have been arrested for attempted to carjack a pizza delivery girl.  The pizza delivery girl was stopped at a red light when two men ran up on her and dragged her out of the car.  They robbed her and attempted to steal her car, but neither one of them knew how to drive a manual transmission.  They jumped out of the car and ran off, without taking anything.

I would have paid to see their faces when they jumped in the car and they saw that stick.  I bet they were like, “Oh, shit, what do we do now?”  Then they ran off without anything.  So dumb.

Wrong Number
Three drug-dealers are off the streets thanks to the fact that one of them texted a drug task force agent instead of a potential buyer.  One of the drug dealers was trying to notify the buyer that they were ready for pickup when he accidentally transposed two of the numbers in the phone number.  When the drug task force agent, who lives about 50 miles north of New York City, saw the text message, he contacted the New York City Police Department so they could setup a sting.  A police officer posed as the potential buyer and when the dealers showed up with the goods, all three were arrested.  Police confiscated 60 bags of heroin.

Stay in school and you might learn how to dial a phone properly.  Crime don’t pay, losers.

Today’s Thought

A man is only as good as what he loves.—Saul Bellow

Daily News October 23

Today is October 23.  It is the 296th day of the year with 69 to go.

Today’s History

In 1983, 241 U.S. Service members, mostly Marines, were killed after a suicide bomber struck Beirut International Airport.
In 1995, Yolanda Saldivar was convicted of killing Tejano star Selena.

Today’s News

La-Z Drunk
A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to drunk driven charges after he was caught driving under the influence in his motorized La-Z Boy chair.  The man left a bar after drinking eight or nine beers, climbed up into his La-Z Boy and took off before running into a parked car.  He had a blood alcohol content of more than three times the legal limit but there were no serious injuries.  The La-Z Boy chair comes equipped with a converted lawn mower engine, a stereo and cupholders.

Why do people do things like this?  Do you need a motorised La-Z Boy?  Who sits around and concocts these ideas?  Hmm, what if I shove an engine into the cushions?  Wonder what will happen, and then obviously he’s a drunk, so this is just a bad idea all around.

Hey, Look What I Got
Massachusetts police are looking for two men who robbed a woman after she flashed big bucks around in a bar.  The woman came into the bar and started bragging about how she got $27,000 from an insurance claim.  She then started flashing the money around.  Later that evening, when she and her friend were leaving the bar, two men came up and robbed her.  Surprise!

D’uh!  The police shouldn’t even take this seriously.  If I were one of the cops and she told me that she had been flinging the money around in the bar, I would have packed up and left.  In these troubling economic times, people are trying to get whatever they can by any means necessary and if you are foolish enough to walk up in a bar and start showing off, then you deserve everything that you get in life.  Sorry ’bout your luck, but that money is south of the border by now. 

We Know You Meant Well But…
A South Carolina man figured that the police would not want industrial grade explosives on the street, so he thought the best idea would be to turn them in.  The man’s uncle collected explosives as a hobby:  grenades, black powder, sticks of dynamite and other ordnance.  When the uncle died, the man decided that the explosives could fall into the wrong hands, so he drove from his home to his uncle’s home 80 miles away and loaded up his truck with the explosives.  He then turned around and drove the 80 miles back to his home county to give the explosives to the police in his area, instead of just going to the police in the uncle’s neighbourhood.  When the police discovered what was in the truck, they had to shut down several streets so the bomb squad could come in and destroy the items.

It sounded like a good idea at the time, but just in case you didn’t know, you don’t really drive up and down the street with unexploded ordnance and other volatile items.  Yeah, I know dynamite needs to be triggered, but what if this man was in an accident?  With a gas truck?  With a liquid nitrogen truck?  Yay!  Fourth of July in the middle of October.  I do not believe people actually think when they come up with a good idea.

I’d Rather Be In Jail
Instead of being excited to be finally getting out of prison, a man has requested to go back to prison rather than complete his jail term on house arrest.  The Italian man was sentenced to several years in jail for illegally dumping hazardous waste but was given house arrest because of his good behaviour.  As soon as he got home, the arguments with the wife began and he decided that it was better in jail.  He went up the street to the local police station and begged for them to put him back in jail.  They did ping him for violating the house arrest conditions but his sentence was to go back home and patch things up with his wife.  He and his wife were arguing because she claimed he wasn’t paying for the upkeep of their two children.

It is kind of difficult to hold down a job while one is in jail, and even more difficult to make money when you’re on house arrest, so not sure what she expects him to do.  Granted, he probably should not have been dumping hazardous waste and he would not even be in this situation.  But let the crime fit the punishment.

Finger-Licking Free
On Monday, KFC will once again attempt to give away a free grilled chicken to promote the new menu item.  It tried twice before, but both times they were so overwhelmed that websites crashed as customers flocked to download the coupons and restaurants were flooded with angry customers trying to get a piece of chicken.  Some restaurants even ran out causing riots.  KFC promises that they will have proper staffing and adequate supplies so that you can come get your free piece of greasy chicken.  Oh wait, this one is grilled, so there’s only half the grease.

I’ve heard mixed reviews.  Some people swear by it and have taken to worshipping it.  Others say that it’s only good for buffing scuff marks out the shoes.  But I like to let my readers know when something free is available.  I figure me and the kid will go get us a piece of chicken and nibble on it a little bit each day and that will be dinner for the week.