If you have delicate sensibilities, you probably should skip this post.
I Have a Gift For You
So, why do the most embarrassing things have to involve bathrooms, toilets, and bodily functions? Yes, I quite understand that these things are private. We don’t want an audience while we’re taking care of business. Most of the time, we don’t even want to talk about it. I agree with this, but sometimes some things are just too ridiculous to be believed.
How come the toilet only breaks down when you really, REALLY gotta go, and when I mean, go, I mean go. As in number two, go. Yeah. For the past few days I’ve been noticing that my toilet was flushing kind of slow. It would do what it’s supposed to do, but it just seemed kind of slow and sluggish. I’m not a plumber and I just figure, well, if everything is going down, then everything is fine.
I should mention that I have been eating quite well. Vegetables and fruits and whatnot, and you know what that means. When you eat well, your body functions well. So I go use the bathroom and there again with that slow flushing nonsense. This time it seemed to kind of clog up a little bit so I called the landlord that he should come and take a look. He says he’ll be there before the evening is out. At this point, the toilet is still functioning.
I go out for a run, get a good 3.5 miles in and when I get home, my stomach was like….. whoa…. All that spinach, the grapes, the broccoli, everything was like, “We’re done now!” So I go do what I need to do. Of course, this time the toilet doesn’t want to flush.
I don’t really need to go into graphic detail, but let’s just say… it’s the gift that keeps on giving. I mean, it was really, really REALLY not good, not good at all, and all I could think about was how the landlord was going to come check on the toilet and there was all of that waiting for him. Frantically, I tried to think of a solution but I really couldn’t. I don’t really give a damn what the landlord thinks, but you know, that’s kind of … gross.
I just poured some bleach and cleaner into the toilet so it wouldn’t smell and then I purposely left the apartment so that I wouldn’t be home when he got there. I didn’t want him to look at me and look at that and think, “What the hell have you been eating!!”
When you are forced to use a public bathroom, don’t you just wish you’d get in there, do your business and get out as quickly as possible? For the most part, you do not want to have a conversation. You don’t want to interact with people. You just want to get away from the whole situation because most of the time public bathrooms are gross. You also do not want to be apart of other people’s business, if you understand what I mean.
Yesterday, when I was at work, I had to use the bathroom. I go in a stall, do what I need to do and while I’m doing it, I hear this strange moaning from the stall next to mine. Now, it’s not like sexual moaning so I know no hanky-panky was going on, but it was like aggravated, someone is dying type of moaning. As each second went passed, the moaning got more and more pronounced until it was more like deep groaning, like how when women give birth. Then whoever was in the stall hit the side wall and said, “Ooooooooooooooo………….mmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy……….. Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in this long drawn out, tortured voice. I actually got kind of scared because I was thinking, what the hell is going in there.
So I’m done in the bathroom and I come out of the stall to go wash my hands and there is another woman standing by the sink staring at the stall where all the noise is coming from. That woman asks, “Are you okay?” The woman in the stall says, “Uhhhhh……. uhhhhhhhh…. Yeah….. ooohhh……..ooooooooooooooh…. oh my God…. I think so…. “
I’m washing my hands, trying hard not to laugh and the other lady says, “It’s that bad, huh?” The woman in the stall says, “Yeah, I don’t know what I ate but it is tearing my stomach up!” Then we hear some extremely loud unpleasant bathroom sounds and the woman actually starts screaming. It also sounds like she is crying.
Okay, so yeah, it’s quite gross and nobody wants to hear all that, but then it’s really quite comical because the sounds that were coming out of the stall were unbelievable. If I didn’t work where I work, I would think this was some candid camera type of stuff because it just sounded so extra. The woman who had been washing her hands just started laughing and left the bathroom. For some bizarre reason, I lingered. Yeah, I know something is wrong with me. It was just that the lady was really crazy. Is it that bad? Is it? I mean, because if it is maybe you should see a doctor.
This is perhaps the most embarrassing story of all. I just have to laugh at myself at the stupid things I get myself into. Oh well. Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, I have been eating really healthfully in the past few weeks. When you do that, the body functions as it’s supposed to. Well, yesterday, all those damn grapes made me all bubbly, so I kept having …. you know…. [low conspiratorial whisper] fart.
Yeah, sometimes people do that. Not really talked about, but people do it everyday.
Now, there is a time and a place for such things. The middle of the office is not the place for it. Especially when you work in a close confined space with a bunch of guys who think such things are hilarious and then want to make jokes about it for the rest of the day. Every time I felt the urge, I would excuse myself to a more appropriate location and if I couldn’t, then I would just try to hold it in. You aren’t really supposed to hold it in, because it makes it worse and it can make you toxic. It also makes your stomach hurt.
I think I had been holding it in for so long that my stomach was all cramped up and when I got to a private place so I could let it go, I couldn’t. For about two hours, my stomach was all jacked up and I realised I need to let this thing go or I’m going to die. I decided the only sensible thing was for me to get far, far away and just take care of business.
Now, I should mention that I take frequent walks around the building just to get some air, clear my mind or keep my muscles moving. Sitting in an office chair for eight hours a day is bad for you. I’ll either walk around the building for a little bit, or if it’s cool enough, I’ll go out to my car and goof off on Facebook on my iPhone for a few minutes. I decided that my car would be the most appropriate place for what I need to do. It’s quiet, no one is around. It’s perfect. I had already walked out to my car three times that day. Each time I went out, there was a guy sitting in the car two rows in front of me. I have no idea what he was doing, that’s not my business. But every time I was out there, he was either on the phone or laid out in the passenger seat with the engine running.
So when you have bubbly guts and you can’t let it go, there’s actually a little trick to it. I learned about it in the most random place. I used to like to read men’s magazines and there was an article on what guys should and should not do on a first date. One thing a man shouldn’t do is fart in front of his new date. The article advised that he hold the fart until he got somewhere private and if he couldn’t fart, the article gave him a trick so that he could.
You lay down on your stomach and stick your butt up in the air, kind of like how babies do. Or you can get into the yoga position downward dog. The article said something about how the passageways inside the body are now all straightened allowing blood, gas and other particles to flow properly. I don’t know about all that, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve tried it a hundred times and it always works.
So, I walk out to my car and go to the back seat, because obviously, I’m not going to lay down on the ground in my work clothes. Like I said, I’ve done it a hundred times and it works. So, I’m there expelling everything I need to get rid of and what the hell happens, the man that had been sitting in his car all day long comes up to my car and it walks right behind me right as I’m …. you know…. and he’s like, “You’ve made like a hundred trips out to your car today, what are you doing back there!”
I’m completely horrified because I just let a BIG one go and he’s standing right in the fallout zone, but he doesn’t seem to notice, or either he pretended not to notice, or maybe he doesn’t have a sense of smell, I have no idea, but it wasn’t just that, it was also the way I was laying across the seat. I had the car door open and I was wearing a skirt, and this guy is standing behind me, making small talk. What the hell? Go away!!
I just turned around, made it look like I was searching for something in the car. “Oh, yeah, I just like to come out to get some air.”
He starts smiling and he’s like, “Yeah, I know how that feels.” And then he just stands there.
GET LOST! I’m not done yet. Seriously.
He says, “Yeah, I come out here a lot too, just to get away from the office.”
Yup, that’s wonderful. Yeah, great.
Long weird silence. Then I think he gets a real good look at me, or maybe the smell finally hit him and then he says, “Yeah, okay, you have a good day.”
You too, buddy. Talk about awkward.
Okay, I think I’m done talking about bathroom stuff now. You can stop being grossed out now.