Daily News November 2

Today is Tuesday, November 2.  It is the 306^th day of the year with 59 to go.

Today’s History

In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39^th and 40^th states.
In 1948, Harry S. Truman won the presidency in a surprising victory over Republican challenger Thomas E. Dewey.

Today’s News

All Tricks No Treat
A 17 year old Atlanta boy is dead after he egged a Mercedes on Halloween night.  The boy was out goofing off with friends when they decided to egg cars passing on their block.  The owner of the Mercedes got out of the car and fired 10 shots at the boy, hitting him in the head and neck as he tried to run away.  The owner of the Mercedes then tried to flee the scene but was later captured by police.  The boy died on the way to the hospital.

Sometimes stuff is funny and then sometimes it isn’t.  Egging a car is a harmless prank but these days people get so worked up over everything.  I’m not saying that the boy was right for vandalizing someone’s property, but really, egging a car (that can be washed) versus getting shot in the neck?  Somehow the two don’t equate.

More Tricks Still No Treat
A newlywed Atlanta woman is dead after a Halloween party.  Atlanta police were called and notified of shots fired.  When they arrived they found the woman dead of multiple gunshot wounds.  Later police received a report of a naked man wandering through a park.  The man turned out to be the woman’s brand new husband.  After some questioning, the man was charged with the woman’s murder; however, there is no motive at this time.

Well, this is a little bizarre.  You just got married and then you decide to kill your wife then wander around the neighbourhood butt ass naked.  Maybe he was setting up his psychiatric defense, or maybe he really is crazy.  Maybe he had a problem with her going to a Hallowe’en party and not inviting him.  I know I shouldn’t make fun of it, but these new stories never really give you all the information so sometimes you just have to make up your own conclusion.

Here’s Your Treat
Maryland State Police arrested a man Halloween night because he was wearing nothing but a diaper and cursing at people while he trick-or-treated.  The man was said to be cursing at children and adults in an attempt to get them candy.  No word on if he was drunk or high at the time, or just mentally ill.

And they didn’t say why he had on a diaper.  Was he posing as a baby for Halloween?  Or was the diaper part of his lunatic costume?

Who Said Civility Is Dead?
North Carolina police have arrested two men after they burgled a home and robbed the family of $5000 worth of electronics and other goods.  The super geniuses had the nerve to leave several thank you notes.  One note simply said:  “Thanks,” and another note said, “Thanks.  We love the stuff we got.”  These morons, who already had criminal records, were found from their fingerprints on the thank you notes.  Among the stolen items were a box of corn dogs, some chicken and beer.

What can even be said about such stupidity?  Nothing.  Moving on.

Congratulations, It’s Illegal Drugs!
Cincinnati prison guards discovered that one of their pregnant inmates wasn’t just carrying a baby, but something else as well.  The woman was being prepped for a Cesarean section when nurses discovered 15 pills stuff up her vagina.  The woman was arrested the day before for stealing a computer from Wal-Mart.  Generally, this particular prison does not do routine cavity searches.

Hmm, so unless you are incapacitated, wouldn’t you be like, “Uh, before we get started, can I go to the bathroom?” so you can get rid of the stuff you have packed up your cooch?  This is all quite bizarre.  You’re about to have a baby and you know what part of the body that includes, right?  Right?  I hope.  Apparently not because they found the drugs anyway.  I mean, just because you are having a Cesarean, that doesn’t mean anything.  But you know what, let’s forget about that for a moment, was she actually planning on USING the pills she had up there????

Brother, Can You Give Me a Ride?
California police are searching for a man who robbed a bank and then ran out into the street asking people for a getaway ride.  The man entered a bank and demanded $20 and $100 bills from the teller.  When she failed to move as quickly as he wanted, he jumped up on the counter and snatched the money from her.  He then ran out onto the street and he realized that he had no way of getting away from the robbery, so he offered $1000 to anybody who would help him escape to Santa Cruz.

Apparently he was able to get someone to take him up on the offer because police are still searching for the man.  They have no idea where he is.  What kind of genius sets up a bank robbery but then doesn’t set up a way to get out?

Today’s Thought

The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.  –Anonymous

Daily News October 29

Today is Friday, October 29.  It is the 302^nd day of the year with 63 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on Black Tuesday, the start of the Great Depression.

Today’s News

Passing Stones
Indian police have arrested a man after an anonymous tip suggesting that the man would attempt to smuggle diamonds.  Although the tip was very vague, police caught the guy after he landed in India.  They searched his person and his luggage but found no evidence of diamonds until someone noticed how uncomfortable he seemed.  The man claimed that he had hemorrhoids.  They took him to a doctor to be examined.  They didn’t find any hemorrhoids but an X-ray revealed that the man had diamonds in his stomach.  They fed him laxatives and approximately six hours later, he passed several diamonds worth $337K and $674K.  The man admitted that he was a frequent human courier.  He would swallow up to 50 condoms filled with diamonds and get paid approximately $225.

That’s it?  You carrying around more than half a million dollars worth of diamonds in your gut and all you get is $225?  Haha.  I’m sure the man is worried about family back home, but I would take the diamonds and skip town, crap them out somewhere and live like a princess on my own private island.  The things people do for money.  But oddly, I’m surprised human diamond couriers don’t get seriously injured.  I’ve heard about drug mules that swallow the drugs and sometimes they overdose when the condoms or balloons bust open, but diamonds are the hardest substance on earth.  Wouldn’t they cut through the condom and start cutting up your inside if you make too many odd movements?  Somehow $225 is not enough money for this occupational hazard.

Have You Had Your Lawsuit Today?
A Brazilian man who worked for McDonald’s for 12 years has sued the restaurant chain claiming that he got fat while working there.  The man, a manager, said he felt compelled to taste the food everyday in order to ensure quality standards.  He said mystery clients would visit the restaurant to test for food, service and cleanliness.  He said in order to meet those standards, he had to eat everything.  He also said that McDonald’s offered employees free lunches.  He gained 65 pounds while working there.  The Brazilian court has awarded him $17,500.

This is completely lame.  I am quite sure he did gain the weight by eating McDonald’s food for 12 years, but is there really a way they could prove it?  He could have also been going home and shoving Krispy Kreme donuts in his stomach.  Since he was “tasting” the food everyday and eating the free lunch everyday, did he even bother to exercise at all?  Just because it is free doesn’t mean you have to take it.  And tasting food doesn’t require you to eat everything.  Some people fail to take responsibility for their own mistakes.  Anyway, all he got was $17,500 which doesn’t even pay for gastric bypass.

Speaking of Lawsuits
A judge in Manhattan has decided that a 4 year old little girl can be held liable in a lawsuit.  This whole situation began when the 4 year old girl and a 4 year old boy were outside racing their bikes with training wheels on the sidewalk.  While they were racing, an old lady was coming down the sidewalk and the two kids accidentally ran into her.  The old lady fell and was “seriously and severely injured.”  She had to have hip surgery and she died 3 weeks later.  Both of the kids’ parents were present at the time of the incident.  The old lady’s family is suing the two kids for negligence.  According to the judge, children under 4 are incapable of negligence, but children over 4 can be negligent.  The little girl was three months shy of her fifth birthday at the time of the incident.  The judge said that the kids engaged in risky behavior.  Just because the parents were present doesn’t make any difference since the parents were only supervising and not encouraging the children.  The judge said that any “reasonably prudent child” would not engage in risky behavior whether or not a parent was present.  If the parents had encouraged their behavior then the parents would have been sued, but since the parents were only supervising, then the kids are eligible to be sued.

And you wonder why this country is going into the toilet.  Seriously?  Seriously.  A 4 year old is a reasonably prudent child?  Has anybody ever heard of anything called an accident?  Two small kids riding on their bikes with TRAINING WHEELS are having a good time and they accidentally run into an old lady.  First of all, why didn’t old lady try to get out of the way?  If you see two small kids barreling towards you on some bikes, common sense would tell you to get out of the way.  Yeah, the kids SHOULD stop but if you’re an adult and they are 4 years old, who do you think should make the command decision? I would feel differently if the kids were 16, or even 8 years old, but 4?  That’s just ridiculous.   I wonder what the family of the old lady hopes to gain by suing 4 year olds?  Well, they’re five now, but still.  It is unfortunate that this happened, that the old lady died as a result of her injuries, but the kids did not have malicious intent.  It was an accident, a terrible accident.

I Now Pronounce You Swine and Wife
Two hotel workers from the Maldives have been arrested after they were caught taunting a couple during their marriage ceremony.  The unknown couple, who may be French or Swiss, were renewing their vows on the island and had a foreign wedding officiator.  Instead of reciting typical marriage vows, the officiator said, “Your marriage is not valid.  You are an infidel.  You are an atheist.  Your children are bastards.  You are swine.”  The officiator was speaking in another language and the couple was smiling happily because they thought he w as giving them the marriage vows.  Someone recorded the wedding and someone else made the translation that the officiator was not reciting the correct words, but really cussing them out at their wedding ceremony.

That is so messed up!  First of all, why would you have a wedding in a language you don’t even know?  You can’t really repeat vows in another language and you have no idea what you’re even saying.  This man was calling them infidels, pigs, calling their children bastards and they were just standing there smiling at each other, so in love, while they were being clowned.  The Maldives is a popular resort destination.  People spend a lot of money to get there and to stay in the luxurious hotels there.  So you pay all that money for someone to cuss you out at your own wedding.  And that’s how you’ll remember one of the most important days of your life:  a swine infidel with children who are bastards.

Today’s Thought

Numerous politicians have seized power and muzzled the press.  Never in history has the press seized absolute power and muzzled the politicians.  ~David Brinkley

Daily News October 22

Today is Friday, October 22.  It is the 295^th day of the year with 70 days to go. 

Today’s History

In 1747, Princeton University was first chartered as the College of New Jersey.
In 1968, Apollo 7 returned safely from Earth orbit, splashing down in the Atlantic Ocean.

Today’s News

Driven to Death
Police are investigating a woman who has been driving around with a dead body in her car for the past three to 10 months.  The woman accidentally left her car blocking a driveway and when police came to look into the situation they saw the leg of a corpse sticking out from under a pile of clothing.  They broke into the car and found the body of a woman who had been dead for several months along with several boxes of baking soda, apparently used to hide the smell.  The owner of the car stated that the dead woman was homeless and her friend.  She had given the homeless woman permission to sleep in the car and one night she came back to find that the woman had died.  She feared being blamed for the situation so she just drove around with the dead body in the front seat.  The cause of death is still being determined but at this time there are no signs of foul play.

People are always so irrational.  I can understand not wanting to be blamed for anything, but if you honestly did not do anything then stop stressing.  If the homeless woman died of natural causes the police are going to be able to tell.  That is why they do autopsies.  They can tell the difference between someone getting their head bashed in and someone having a heart attack.  It makes no sense whatsoever that you would drive around with a dead body in your car for almost ten months simply because you were scared of what would happen. 

You Say Public, I Saw Pubic
So let’s call the whole thing off.  A billboard in South Bend, Indiana is being laughed at after a resident noticed a horrible misspelled word.  The billboard was supposed to be touting the area’s superior school district but ended up an advert on how some people need to get back to school IMMEDIATELY.  The sign was supposed to say, “15 best things about our public schools,” but one little letter was left off so the sign said, “15 best things about our PUBIC schools.”  The guy who made the billboard said he is dreadfully sorry.

He will also be re-enrolling in a public, I mean, pubic school, as soon as possible.  I guess he thought that spell check would take care of that.

Party Entertainment
Fifteen people were injured and 75 people were arrested at a party intended for a 3 year old girl.  Approximately 150 people showed up to the girl’s birthday party held at a hall for the Fraternal Order of Eagles when a fight broke out between the girl’s father and the mother’s new boyfriend.  When police arrived on the scene, the situation was so out of control that they had to wait for additional backup before they could enter the hall to restore order.  Beer bottles were thrown and the people used the hall’s chairs to attack each other. 

I need to understand why there were 150 people in attendance at a party for a 3 year old?  If it’s like this now, imagine what her sweet 16 will be like.  Secondly, why are you serving alcohol at a party for a toddler?  Police say there were at least 30 children present, so you got 120 adults and 30 children at a party for a 3 year old.  What is wrong with this picture?

Don’t Mess with Elmo
A Florida man has been arrested and scheduled for a psych evaluation after he tried to attack another man dressed as Elmo.  Elmo was hanging out at a record store when another man entered and began attacking the customers.  When he attempted to beat up Elmo, Elmo broke two of his fingers.  The man has been arrested.

Some things just don’t make no sense.  There was a children’s event going on in the record store, and this crazy man just comes in and starts fighting all the customers?  Who let him out of the psych ward?

Scammed
If an offer seems too good to be true, it probably is, as one Tennessee man found out recently.  He saw an ad on Craiglist supposedly from an owner selling his business.  Since he had just lost his own business in a terrible flood, he figured this was a good way to turn around.  He met with the man and agreed to buy his hot dog selling business next to a college campus.  They agreed on a price of $25,000.  Of course, he wanted some paperwork but the other guy kept telling him that the computer was broken and that he couldn’t access the paperwork.  Shoving it to the back of his mind, the man opened up his newly owned hot dog business and got to work.  He was doing real well when the REAL owner of the hot dog business showed up.  Of course, he wanted his store back so the first guy had to get out.  Now he’s out of a business and $25000.  And he can’t find the man who scammed him.

Why this was even considered news is beyond me.  I don’t feel sorry for the guy at all.  He never got any paperwork.  It’s not like he was scammed with some fake papers. He never got ANYTHING.  He just handed over $25000.  No receipt.  No deeds.  Nothing from a bank.  Nothing.  Who does that?  And from Craigslist!  Everybody knows that Craigslist is half scam.  So sad.

Today’s Thought

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.  ~James Thurber

Daily News July 28

Today is Wednesday, July 28, 2010.  It is the 209^th day of the year with 156 to go.

Today’s History

In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

Today’s News

Carjacking or Jacking Off, Which Is it?
A New Jersey woman will face charges after she admitted to the police officers what really happened to her vehicle.  The woman called 911 and said that she had been carjacked.  She claimed that she was lost and stopped a man on the street to ask for directions.  The man then allegedly pulled her out of the car at gunpoint and threw her to the ground.  After some investigation, the woman admitted that she did indeed stop the man, but not to ask for directions but for sex.  She picked him up and while they were having sex in the car while she was driving, the car crashed.  The couple also set the car on fire to cover up the evidence.

I sometimes wonder why people lie.  I know they want to get out of trouble, but sometimes a lie is just so ridiculous that it’s just better to go ahead and admit the truth because when it comes out, it’s like… why?  Why?

Flower Power
NYPD are looking for a man who allegedly robbed a bank with a bouquet of flowers instead of a gun.  The man walked into a bank in downtown Manhattan with a huge bouquet of flowers.  He approached a teller and pulled a note from the flowers that read, “Don’t be a hero.  Give me all yours 100s and 50s.”  The teller gave him $400 and a dye pack.  He has already robbed another bank using the same method, but instead of flowers he brought a potted plant.

Well, if they do manage to catch him they can’t charge him with armed robbery.  I guess that’s kind of smart.  Even though he isn’t getting away with much money.  I wouldn’t go through the trouble of robbing a bank only to come out with $400 and some dye staining all my clothes.  The people who witnessed the robbery said that he looked nervous and they thought he was about to propose.  LMAO. 

Taser For Teacher
Two Georgia police officers have been removed from the force after they tasered a woman who called 911 for help.  The woman, a third grade teacher, called the police to report a prowler n her property.  While she waited for police, she contacted a male friend to wait with her.  When police arrived, the woman and her friend were waiting.  According to the woman, the cops demanded to know the identity of the man at her house.  The police assumed the issue was domestic violence.  The police told her that if she did not give the friend’s name they would arrest her for obstruction.  The woman went to get her purse and the police said they were arresting her.  According to the report, the police stated that the woman put her hands up and the officer grabbed her arm and put a handcuff on it.  The woman pulled away and ran.  They chased her and pepper sprayed her.  They were able to handcuff her and put her in the car.  He failed to mention that he tasered her several times while in the house and then did so again while she was handcuffed in the back of the car.  The woman continuously begged for him to stop.  An additional investigation states it’s likely that he tased the woman three or four times, for at least six seconds each.  He tased her so much that he even shocked himself.  Two officers were involved in the situation.  The one who tased her has resigned and the other who used the pepper spray was fired. 

SMH.

I’ll Give You My iPhone If You Give Me Your Porsche
A California teen wanted a Porsche, but all he had was an old cell phone.  Figuring he had to start somewhere, he traded the old cell phone for a better cell phone, then traded that for an iPod Touch.  He decided to trade the iPod for a dirt bike then traded that dirt bike for another one of better value.  He turned the expensive dirt bike into a MacBook Pro and then somehow turned that into a Toyota 4Runner.  Since he was only 15, he couldn’t drive the 4Runner, so he traded the truck in for a fancy golf cart.  Then another dirt bike.  A street bike.  Several cars.  He eventually ended up with a sweet 1975 Ford Bronco, which he in turn traded for a 2000 Porsche Boxster S convertible.  The kid said he spent a lot of time doing research to see if his trades were good values, but he is likely to trade the Porsche soon because he recently lost his job and can no longer afford the gas.

I need a new car.  I have an old CD player.  Anybody want to trade that for an Infiniti G35?  Email me!

The Force Strikes Bank
In addition to Luke Skywalker, New York police are looking for Darth Vader on allegations that he robbed a bank in Long Island.  Bank video footage shows a man dressed in a Darth Vader costume entering a bank with a handgun.  He pointed it at a teller and demanded money. 

 The mortgage on the Death Star is due.  Darth Vader has obviously fallen on hard times since he is reduced to robbing banks, instead of destroying star systems.  He had to pawn his light saber for a gun.  I guess with the note on the X-Wing he destroyed and child support on Luke and Leia has him calling on desperate measures.  I find his lack of faith disturbing.  But seriously though, whoever this guy is, he better stay well-hidden.  Not only will he have to go to jail for robbing a bank, but he might very well get sued by George Lucas for copyright infringement.

Today’s Thought

It is impossible to write ancient history because we lack source materials, and impossible to write modern history because we have far too many.  –Charles Peguy

Daily News April 27

Today is Tuesday, April 27, 2010.  It is the 117^th day of the year with 248 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1810, Ludwig von Beethoven wrote Für Elise.
In 2009, a Mexico City toddler was the first swine flu death on American soil.

Today’s News

911 Taxi
A Connecticut woman has been arrested on six counts of misuse of the 911 system after she called 911 several times to request a ride home from a club.  The woman was apparently intoxicated and was concerned about driving drunk, so she continued to dial 911 until a police officer did arrive to give her a ride—to jail.

After all the stories I’ve printed about people misusing 911, why do people persist?  Just in case you didn’t know the 911 system is not a cab service.  They are able to give you a ride, but not to the place you want.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
An NYC homeless man trying to help save someone else’s life was left to die in the middle of the street.  According to the investigation, the homeless man saw a woman being attacked by her boyfriend and went to help her.  He was stabbed several times during the altercation.  The couple ran away when someone else called 911 at 6AM to report the incident but when police arrived they could not find anyone.  Police think the wrong address was given.  The man lay dying in the street for another hour with several people walking past his body without doing anything.  Surveillance cameras in the area showed several people simply walking past the man, or stopping to stare at him.  One person even stopped and lifted up the body to see the pool of blood beneath the man. That person then walked away.  Someone called 911 at 7AM but again the wrong address was given.  Thirty minutes later, another 911 call came in and this time police were able to find him but the man was already dead.

That’s really sad.  I hope I never need help from anybody.  I don’t want to be lying in the street, bleeding to death and people just randomly walk past me like I’m a part of the sidewalk.  The residents in the neighbourhood say it’s not unusual to see people sleeping in the street and others say it’s not their job to determine whether someone needs help or if they’re just trashed.  No, it’s not your job, but everybody wants to live decently.  Whether the guy was drunk or dead, do you really want him lying there in front of your home or business?  People just don’t care anymore, but then again, you don’t want to get involved because you don’t want anybody to come after you.  That’s why I’m moving to Antarctica.

Penis Police
Potential candidates for the police or military in Indonesia will not be able to join if they have had a penis enlargement.  Anybody already in the police or military will be discharged if they decide to get a penis enlargement.  In addition to the hundreds of other questions asked on a military and police application, candidates will also be asked if their “vital organ has been enlarged.”  A police chief stated that men who’ve had an enlargement will be declared unfit for duty because such unnatural sizes are a hindrance during training activities.  According to information, penis enlargement is popular in this area of the world where men often wear additional appendages to appear larger.  Other men use a different technique which involves wrapping the penis in a leaf called gatal-gatal, which strangely means “itchy,” so that the penis will swell up and appear larger.

There are so many things I could say about this, but I’ll refrain from doing so because I could probably go on for days.  Seriously, though, are some men that insecure that they would go to such lengths (I guess the pun is intended) by wrapping their special parts in a leaf that makes them itchy and swollen?  That can’t be safe.  Even if it does get bigger, is still functional?  My guess is that it would be all irritated and you’d spend a lot of time scratching and adjusting.  I want to say something else, but I’m just going to let it go.  But I do wonder how large these penises get that they are a “hindrance” to training.  What sort of training activities do they do in their military that requires a smaller penis?  Okay, I’m done.

Ooops, My Bad
Colorado police are looking for a man who broke into a family home in the middle of the night, then left without taking anything.  The couple in the home stated that a man entered their bedroom at 3 in the morning and waved a gun in their face.  He informed them that he was there to rob them and then he said, “Oh, I’m in the wrong house.  I’m sorry.”  The man reportedly left after that without injuring anyone or taking any items.

Okay, well, first, can you please make sure you have the right address before you attempt to rob someone?  Secondly, if you’re going to go through all that trouble and even if you did get the wrong house, why not just rob them anyway?  I wonder if he intended to rob the house next door or just across the street.  The police don’t say if there were any other break-ins on the block.  He might have been a drunk.  People are so strange.

Be Glad You’re American
Aren’t you glad that you’re an American and you can do things like go to the movies or the circus, and have gold teeth?  And we’re not just talking about limitations on women’s movements, but la-dee-da-dee everybody.  The people of Turkmenistan are once again glad they’re Turkmen because the ban on the circus has been lifted.  The previous president who was in charge for 21 years banned the circus, the movie theatre, opera, the ballet, lip-syncing and gold teeth because these were all seen as “alien.”  The new president has lifted the bans on these activities, however, ballet is still a no-go.  Hundreds of children lined up to see the circus for the first time ever this past weekend.  Before the ban was lifted, the only movie theatres were banquet halls with a large old school television and a DVD player.  Viewers got to vote on the limited movie selection from the local video store.

Not even Blu-Ray?  America ain’t perfect, but why you would want to live anywhere else is beyond me.

Today’s Thought

For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange their prejudices once in a while.  –Luther Burbank

Daily News April 14

Today is Wednesday, April 14, 2010.  It is the 104^th day of the year with 261 to go.

Today’s History

In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language was published.
In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth at Ford’s Theatre.
In 1912, the RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg and began sinking.

Today’s News

Starting Young
Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a third grade student who may have given his classmates heroin.  The eight year old boy allegedly handed out small bags of heroin labeled “trust me.”  The street value of the heroin is approximately $1000.  Parents were notified that some students came into contact with the substance.

I know they’ve got an investigation going on but can they please give me some more information?  Where did the boy get the stuff?  Is the kid normally a trouble maker?  Did any of the kids actually snort it?  (Do you snort heroin?  Or inject it?)  How did they find out it was that kid giving the stuff out?  What did his parents say?  What did the kid say?  This could be an interesting story if they actually gave out a little more information.  But let this be a lesson to all parents:  hide your stash.

Starting Young, Part 2
A British retailer has decided against selling a two piece bikini with a padded bra.  What’s so wrong with that you ask?  The two piece bikini with padded bra was marketed at seven year old girls.  Children advocates became enraged when the skimpy bikini hit the racks in stores across London.  Some say that particular style of bathing suit sexualizes children and encourages them to grow up quickly.  The bikini was denounced as the “paedo-bikini,” as in paedophilia.  The retailer said that the padding was not to give little girls a booby boost but to protect their modesty and to give them privacy.

What a crock.  Privacy?  Seriously, that’s what they said?  If the bathing suits were for 15 year olds, I’d still be annoyed, but aimed at seven year old girl? That’s just beyond belief and quite disgusting.  They should take a look at whatever perve designed that thing in the first place.  But then again, there are some parents that don’t see anything wrong with this at all.

You Again!
A Maryland man must feel like he has déjà vu after he got into a drunk driving accident with a judge who could have sent him to jail years ago.  The man had gone to court in 1998 for drunk driving when he failed a field sobriety test.  The judge who oversaw his case at the time decided not to send him to jail even though the man already had two drunk driving arrests in three months.  Now in 2010, the man is drinking and driving again, and this time he hit somebody:  that same judge!  The judge and his wife were both injured in the crash.

Two drunk driving charges, and he’s up on a third and you decide not to send him to jail, and now look, a fourth drunk driving charge.  I bet the judge wishes he would have sent the guy to jail in the first place.

And The Winner Is…
…the woman who set her own hair on fire!  A woman from Indiana has accepted her town’s top prize:  The Village Idiot Award.  She was lauded with this honour after she set her own hair on fire while trying to light a cigarette.  The woman admitted to having sprayed half a bottle of hairspray in her hair, which caused it to be more flammable than usual.  She said she was driving to work when she tried to light a cigarette.  There was so much hairspray in her hair that it immediately ignited.  She was able to put the fire out with her hands, which were also coated in hair spray.  The Village Idiot Award comes with a $100 bar tab at a local inn.

Because a person like that needs more alcohol in her life.

He Wasn’t Dead Yet
A German woman has been arrested on suspicion of trying to smuggle a corpse aboard an aircraft, however, she claims that he was still alive when they reached the airport.  “He will still warm at home,” she said after authorities spotted her pushing the husband through the airport in a wheelchair.  The corpse was wearing sunglasses.  Airline officials became suspicious and denied the couple boarding.  The woman stated that she wanted to have him cremated and fly home to Berlin with his ashes.  They were in the UK, spending time with their daughter as they do every year before going back to Germany.

Let’s just say for a minute, that he was dead this entire time, how did she plan on getting him into his seat on the plane?  She was just going to pick him up and shove him into those tiny little seats?  What if he had an aisle seat and the passenger on the window wanted to get up?  Okay, let’s say he was alive when she left home and he died at the airport, can you please explain why she just continued on like nothing happened?  Oh, Herbert’s dead, oh well.  Let’s just keep going.  We don’t want to miss our flight.

Two For One
Nevada police were somehow able to make two DUI arrests from one SUV, after another motorist reported an unsafe driving act.  A driver of another vehicle called 911 after seeing an SUV swerve all over the road.  The driver followed the SUV to a fast food restaurant and witnessed the passenger get out of the passenger seat and stagger over to the driver’s side.  The passenger then pulled the driver get out the car and carried him over to the passenger side.  The passenger then staggered back to the driver side and took the wheel himself.  When police arrived on the scene, both the passenger and driver were found to have three times the legal limit of alcohol.

Two drunks don’t equal a sober driver, or whatever else twisted logic they were trying to come up with.

Today’s Thought

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.  — Abraham Lincoln

Daily News April 5

Today is Monday, April 5, 2010.  It is the 95^th day of the year with 270 to go.

Today’s History

In 1614, Pocahontas married John Rolfe in Virginia.
In 1951, the Rosenbergs were sentenced to death for conspiring to commit espionage with the Soviet Union.

Today’s News

He’s Dead, Jim
A Pennsylvania man has been charged with one count of public drunkenness after he made a spectacle of himself attempting to revive a dead opossum.  Witnesses say that the opossum had been dead for quite some time, an apparent road kill victim, when the drunk man insisted that he would be able to resuscitate it.  The police report does not describe how the man attempted to revive the dead animal.

I think I don’t even know what to say to this.  He must have been TRASHED.  Road kill + mouth-to-mouth = you don’t even wanna go there.

Daddy Daycare
Police have arrested two men in Michigan for child abandonment.  Someone called the police to report seeing two children locked inside a vehicle at a bowling alley.  When police arrived, they arrested two men, ages 27 and 28, who happened to be the father and uncle of the children.  The kids were aged six and four, and they told police that they had been in the car for two days while their father and uncle drove around getting drunk and partying.  The children were supposed to be with their father for visitation this particular weekend, and they are now returned to their mother.

I guess the argument could be made that he at least attempted to see his children—or not.  So you go pick up the kids because it’s your weekend, and instead of being an actual daddy to the kids, you take them on a two day joyride while you get completely trashed with your uncle.  Why are the father and uncle so close in age?  I know it happens, but it’s still kind of odd.  Anyway, why didn’t he just leave the kids at home?  That isn’t safe, but neither is being locked in a car for two days straight with barely anything to eat and beer bottles strewn all over the place.  Again, I will complain that anybody is allowed to breed.

Just Trying To Help
An Ohio boy just wanted to do his part to help out his parents when he decided to take the family van to get some gas.  The father, who was home taking a nap, didn’t even realize that his son had found his mother’s keys and then attempted to drive the van to the gas station.  The boy was driving about 5 MPH when he lost control of the vehicle and crashed into a telephone pole.  He told police that he could not reach the pedals.

See, there are some decent kids out there that want to help out, do their part with the household chores, but I think this is taken it a little too far kid.  Let’s say the kid did make it to the gas station, how did he intend to pay for the gas?  Got to think things through kid, and now look what you did:  you wrecked the van which your father now has to pay for.  Don’t worry, he’s taking it out of your allowance.

While I’m Here
An 82 year old woman decided that she may as well get her hair done after she ran her car through the front window of a salon.  Maybe the woman was on her way to get her done anyway, who knows?  But she crashed her car, then got out and went up to the counter to make an appointment to get her hair done.  Two people were injured during the incident.  The woman says she was very embarrassed about the incident, but needed to have her hair done.

I guess she figured that since she was about to take a police mug shot, she might as well look good.

I Needed a Ride Home
California police have arrested a man on auto theft and drunk driving charges, after the man stole an unattended ambulance so he could get a ride home.  The man had just spent a few hours in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out early Saturday morning.  He went outside to get a cab and instead found an ambulance in the parking lot with the keys still in the ignition.  Because the city’s ambulances have GPS, police were able to find him quickly, and when they did, the man refused to pull over.  He led police on a low-speed chase through a residential neighbourhood before the police finally put an end to the entire escapade by setting out spike strips.

So, he was already in the hospital for intoxication when he checked himself out.  Was he still drunk when he decided to take the ambulance, or was he just that stupid?  How did he get to the hospital in the first place?  Did his friends bring him or was he found super trashed in the streets somewhere?  These articles always leave out the good stuff.

You Said You Could Drive a Stick!
Two men in Pennsylvania have been arrested for attempted to carjack a pizza delivery girl.  The pizza delivery girl was stopped at a red light when two men ran up on her and dragged her out of the car.  They robbed her and attempted to steal her car, but neither one of them knew how to drive a manual transmission.  They jumped out of the car and ran off, without taking anything.

I would have paid to see their faces when they jumped in the car and they saw that stick.  I bet they were like, “Oh, shit, what do we do now?”  Then they ran off without anything.  So dumb.

Wrong Number
Three drug-dealers are off the streets thanks to the fact that one of them texted a drug task force agent instead of a potential buyer.  One of the drug dealers was trying to notify the buyer that they were ready for pickup when he accidentally transposed two of the numbers in the phone number.  When the drug task force agent, who lives about 50 miles north of New York City, saw the text message, he contacted the New York City Police Department so they could setup a sting.  A police officer posed as the potential buyer and when the dealers showed up with the goods, all three were arrested.  Police confiscated 60 bags of heroin.

Stay in school and you might learn how to dial a phone properly.  Crime don’t pay, losers.

Today’s Thought

A man is only as good as what he loves.—Saul Bellow

Daily News March 25

Today is Thursday, March 25, 2010.  It is the 84^th day of the year with 281 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.
In 1965, Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr led 25000 marchers to the state capitol in Montgomery, Alabama to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

Today’s News

Would You Like Handcuffs With That?
A Connecticut man and a teenager are under arrest after they attempted to rob a bank, but only after they warned the bank they were coming.  The two would-be robbers called the bank up and told an employee to get a bag of money ready because they were on their way to rob the place.  Instead of a bag of money, the robbers found the police waiting for them ten minutes after making the call.  They were arrested and are being held on robbery and threatening charges.

Seriously?  I mean, seriously.  Why would you think that you could just call up a bank and tell them you were on your way to rob them, and they WOULDN’T do anything about it except get some bags of money ready for you?  Who would even think that?  They shouldn’t go to jail; they should just get kicked in the face and laughed at. 

Be Careful What You Ask For
A Florida man got exactly what he asked for after he tried to break back into a prison.  The man had originally gone to jail for manslaughter but was released after serving his time.  The man returned to the prison, begging to be readmitted because he feared the victim’s family would come after him.  When he was told that he would not be allowed to return, he then attempted to scale a 12 foot high barbed wire fence in an effort to get back into the jail.  He was severely injured in the attempt.  He was also arrested and sentenced to fifteen years for violating his parole. 

This is laughable on both sides of the story.  On one hand, you got a super-genius trying to get back in jail and he gets exactly what he wants after he was told, “No, you can’t come back.”  The other side is just as laughable because the guy was seriously scared something bad was going to happen to him on the outside.  He asked for help (the only type of help he knew about) but was rejected.  He tries to get back into the prison and gets 15 years.  Fifteen years.  Seriously.  He needs counseling and help relocating so he can get his life back together.  He was originally in jail for manslaughter, an accidental death.  He had been there since he was a teenager.  Do you honestly think he knew of some rational way of getting the help he needed?  But they gave him fifteen years in prison for that.  He’ll be 40 years old when he gets out, and where do you think he’ll end up after that? 

BO Only, Please, Thanks
A Detroit city employee is hoping that her office will be filled with the sweet stench of body odor rather than the heavy, cloying perfumes that have been clogging her nasal passages.  The woman has filed a lawsuit claiming that the stanky perfume of her co-worker made her so ill she could not work.  The lawsuit alleges that all scented products are discrimination against Americans with disabilities.  If she wins, then no one will be able to wear any health and beauty product with a scent.

Extreme much?  Yes, there is nothing worse than being shut up in some dreary cubicle next to your old ass co-worker whose favourite perfume is White Shoulders and cat hair.  Men’s aftershave, hairspray, and my co-worker’s lunch make me sneeze too.  Not to mention all of the chain smokers I work with, who drift into the office after every smoke break smelling like the Marlboro Man the day after he died of lung cancer.  What about all the people who don’t bathe regularly?  I propose that we all come to work wearing HAZMAT suits with personalized oxygen tanks.  There will be no more eating and drinking in the office.  In fact, remove all nearby restaurants to a safe distance because the smell of fried foods makes me nauseous.  No smoking within a 500 mile radius of the office.  Also, no parking within 5000 feet because car exhaust irritates me.   And strip all the grass and trees from the property because I get hay fever in the spring.  I need this lady to pop a Zyrtec and move on with her life.

Why You All In My Grill?
A Tennessee inmate has been awarded $95,000 after a corrections officer snatched his grill out of his mouth and left him in excruciating pain.  The man had been arrested for not paying child support.  During in-processing at the jail he was told to remove the jewellery from his teeth but he informed the guard that the grill had been cemented in his mouth years ago.  The officer then reached in and yanked the grill out by force. Cement and enamel from the four front teeth was also stripped in the process.  The man complained that he was in pain but he was denied medical treatment for more than a week.  The officer responsible for the incident has been demoted and suspended without pay.

 

The good thing is that the man will be able to get a new grill and pay his child support at the same time.  How cool is that?

Dearly Departed Passenger
A funeral director was shocked to find that the minivan used to transport the recently deceased to their final destinations had been towed from the parking space directly in front of the funeral home.  The funeral director stated that the placard that indicated what type of vehicle the van was must have fallen flat in the windshield.  An NYPD parking enforcement officer simply saw a van illegally parked.  Because the van’s windows were tinted so darkly, he could not tell there was a body in the back of the van.  The funeral director was supposed to deliver the body to Miami where it would be buried, but he had run inside the funeral home for a few minutes.  In that time, the van and the body was towed and sent to the impound lot.  He was able to retrieve the body in time for it to make the flight to Miami.

It’s lucky he figured the van had been towed rather than stolen, because then how would he explain to the loved ones that he had no idea where the body of their family member disappeared to?  I can imagine this guy running around town looking for a dead body in the back of a van.

Today’s Thought

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.  –Andre Gide

Daily News March 11

Today is Thursday, March 11, 2010.  It is the 70^th day of the year with 295 days to go.

Today’s History

In 1861, the Constitution of the Confederate States of America was adopted during a convention in Montgomery, Alabama.
In 2004, 10 bombs exploded on a commuter rail in a Al-Qaeda terrorist attack in Madrid, Spain.

Today’s News

Second Life, Real Life
A South Korean couple has been arrested after they allegedly let their real toddler starve to death while they raised a fake child online.  According to reports, the couple would feed their real kid only once a day while they sat for hours in an internet café where they played a fantasy role playing game.  The game involves raising a child with mysterious powers whose skills increase as the game continues.  The father stated that he wished his real child had not gotten sick, but she “will live well in heaven forever.”  The couple had lost their job and the real child was born prematurely.  They used the online game to escape reality. 

I guess they are going to be even more stressed out when they go to jail.  Who’s going to raise the fake internet child?  These people can let a real baby starve while they sit around in an internet café all day long playing with a fake baby, but when people start suggesting that people should have a license to procreate, everyone gets all upset. 

Milk’s Away!
A Kentucky woman who was already in jail for public intoxication is now being charged with third degree assault on a police officer after she squirted a prison guard with breast milk.  The woman had just undergone a search before she entered the prison and was changing into a prison uniform.  The woman and guard got into an altercation so the woman squirted her in the face with breast milk.

I’m a little bit confused by this.  The woman had just been searched and now she is changing into a prison uniform.  Why is the guard standing so close to her?  Unless this woman has some kind of super extra high speed mammary glands and she can squirt milk 10 feet across a room, I don’t understand how this could have happened.  Since boobs are down here and the guard’s face is up there, it just seems a little farfetched to me.  I wish these news stories would explain things a little more.  I want to see the police report.

If It Didn’t Work Before…
…it probably won’t work this time.  An Alaskan woman is under arrest for once again trying to steal a TV and escaping in a cab.  The woman was arrested last year after she walked out of Sam’s Club without paying for several TVs worth $6,000.  She hailed a cab outside the store and tried to get away, but was stopped and arrested.  The woman finally posted bail for that incident last Friday, and today she has been arrested again for doing the same thing.  She went into a Fred Meyer store, snatched a TV and then went outside to get a cab, but was once again caught. 

So you realize that your method is not working, right?  Maybe you should try something else.  But seriously, how did she even make it out of Sam’s Club in the first place?  You know any time you try to leave any Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club, some grandpa is waiting at the door trying to check your receipt.  Sometimes they let you slide, but if someone strolls up with eight TVs in their cart, you can best believe that grandpa is waiting for you with his little pink highlighter. 

The Saviour
A 7 year old California boy is responsible for saving his family’s life.  When three gunmen broke into his family’s home, the little boy and his six year old sister hid in a locked bathroom with a cell phone.  The intruders held the parents at gun point and threatened to steal whatever they wanted from the home.  The boy called 911 and told the operator, “There’s some guy who’s going to kill my mom and dad.  Bring cops.  A lot of them!  And soldiers, too.”  The gunmen broke into the bathroom and took the phone away from the child.  Then he told them that he had called 911.  Upon hearing that, the suspects fled the home without harming anybody or taking anything.  The men are still on the loose.

Good job, kid!  Even though he was scared, he knew exactly what to do:  hide somewhere and call 911.  Parents of small children should start teaching them very early how to call 911 in case something happens.  Some people don’t want to expose their children to the negative violence of life and you would hope that your home is never invaded, but it could also be for medical reasons.  There are plenty of stores of small kids calling 911 after a family member has had a heart attack or has become somehow incapacitated. 

Doesn’t Pay Like It Used To
The economy is so bad that even the criminals are taking a pay cut.  California police are searching for a woman who robbed 11 customers at a supermarket Wednesday night.  The woman was armed with a semi-automatic pistol and confronted several customers inside the store, demanding money from them.  She got what she could from them and then robbed another customer who was on his way into the store.  The woman fled with a grand total of $6.  No one was hurt in the incident.

Six whole dollars?  And what is so pathetic is that if she had been caught, she would have done time for armed robbery for six measly dollars.  You can barely buy a value meal at McDonald’s with $6.  That’s not enough money to put gas in the getaway car.  Sad.

In the House of the Lord
Iowa police have arrested a man on second degree burglary charges after he broke into a church and used the equipment to watch porn.  A member of the church caught the man trying to haul away a garbage can full of food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronics and a large flat screen television.  The man stated that he watched porn, scavenged the place, then slept in the basement.  He was trying to sneak away the following morning when he was caught. 

What kind of loser breaks into a church to watch porn?  Can’t you do that at home?  It’s a little bit bizarre because the article doesn’t say where he got the porn from.  Was the porn already in the church?  Did he bring the porn with him?  If he brought it with him, I need to understand why he felt that a church would be the best place for his activities.  And then on top of that, he spent the night and robbed the place.  I mean, really.  The church is a sanctuary, but let’s not get overboard.

Take the Keys, Kid, Mommy’s Had Too Much
Remember the first time you got to get behind the wheel of a car?  Some of us didn’t have to wait until 16.  Maybe your dad let you drive around the Wal-Mart parking lot when you were 15, maybe even 14.  I’m pretty sure that sneaky little driving lesson didn’t involve your mother or father being so completely trashed that you were the trusted individual to drive.  A Nebraska woman is under arrest for three counts of child neglect after she allowed her 14 year old son to drive the family home when she became too intoxicated to drive.  Deputies spotted the family van swerving all over the street.  When they stopped the vehicle, they discovered a 14 year old kid in the driver seat.  His mother was in the passenger seat, completed toasted, while two other kids age 14 and 17 were in the back.  The children have been removed from the home.

Seriously?  Okay, what’s wrong with this article?  Why isn’t the 17 year old driving?  I hate these articles don’t tell the whole story.  Just because you’re 17 doesn’t mean you have a license but I think you might be a better candidate for designated driver than a 14 year old, unless the 17 year old was blind or had Down’s Syndrome.  Clearly the mother was that sauced she couldn’t even make THAT decision.  Nice.  Mother of the year, right there, folks.  

Today’s Thought

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.  –Dave McCullough

Daily News March 3

Today is Wednesday, March 3, 2010.  It is the 62^nd day of the year with 303 to go.

Today’s History

In 1845, Florida became the 27^th state.
In 1931, President Herbert Hoover signed a measure making “The Star-Spangled Banner” the national anthem of the United States.
In 1991, Rodney King was beaten by L.A. police officers in a scene captured on video.

Today’s News

Take Your Kid To Work Day
…and let him do your job!  The FAA is investigating an allegation that a child was allowed to direct pilots from a control tower at New York’s Kennedy Airport.  A parent who happened to be an air traffic controller brought his kid to work in mid-February, and the controller and his supervisor allowed the kid to direct aircraft.  Both are currently suspended while the investigation is ongoing.  The kid directed five transmissions, at least one to JetBlue and another to an Aeromexico flight.  All five transmissions were recorded, as all transmissions are.  In one transmission the child directs a pilot and the pilot laughs.  The adult controller then says, “That’s what you get, guys, when the kids are out of school.” 

Because an air traffic control tower is the perfect place to bring little Junior when he’s home from school.  The average salary for a controller is $109,218.  I need this guy to hire a babysitter.  I’m sure it was all fun for the kid and he was being supervised, being told exactly what to say to the pilots, but it’s a bit irresponsible.  As we all know, random things happen in the air and what is Dad going to do with junior when one of the flights he’s directing strikes some birds or the pilots fall asleep or some kind of terrorism?  Some people don’t think.  And it looks like this guy and his supervisor are going to lose their job.  And then what if something had happened?  LAWSUIT CITY!

It Could Happen To You
A British man wants everybody to know exactly how he died.  The 85 year old man told his family he wanted signs placed on his hearse and gravesite that said, “SMOKING KILLED ME.”  The signs were placed at his request in the windows of the hearse and were fashioned to look like the warning labels commonly found on cigarette packages.  The man died of a long battle with emphysema.

 

That’s one way to get your message across.  But then he was 85 which is above the average male life span.  So I’m not so sure if the message will be received.

Private Property:  Keep Out!
Most people just put up “private property” signs when they don’t to be bothered by nosy neighbours, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and kids selling Girl Scout cookies.  They don’t usually rig their houses with fake bombs.  That is what Australian police found when neighbours called to report something strange going on at the house across the street.  Neighbours reported seeing a device that looked like a bomb strapped to the man’s car.  When the bomb squad arrived, they discovered almost 50 devices that were made to look like bombs.  They were strapped to the car and wired to various appliances throughout the house. They also discovered that the man had been dead at least a week.  He was described as reclusive, and probably had a mental illness. 

In Australia they call that keeping the pests out; in America, we call that terrorism.

Piss On This
A man from Washington state has died after he urinated on a live power line.  The man had just wrecked his car by crashing into a power pole.  After he was rescued from his car by a relative, apparently nature called.  He must not have seen the live wire in the ditch.  Police say the stream of urine acted as a conductor and the electricity travelled up the stream to his body, electrocuting him. 

That’s actually kind of sad.  He survived the car crash only to die by while urinating. 

One Man’s Junk
…is still just junk.  The Smithsonian Institution has rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murder charges in 1995.  The Smithsonian has said the suit is “inappropriate for its collection.”  The suit is apparently the centre of a 13 year battle between Simpson, Gilbert (Simpson’s former agent) and Fred Goldman (Ron Goldman’s father).  Simpson claimed the suit was stolen from him and Goldman wants the suit as part payment for damages he sought against Simpson in the civil trial.  Incidentally, the suit is kind of the reason why Simpson is currently in jail.  Remember that he busted up into someone’s hotel room in Nevada on the rumour that several items “belonging to him” were there that he wanted to retrieve.  Among those items was supposedly the tan suit with white shirt and yellow and tan tie.  The former sports agent said he was disappointed that the suit would not be admitted to the Smithsonian collection, because he feels like the suit is a part of American history.  He will try to admit the suit to the Newseum, the Museum of Crime and Punishment or the University of Southern  California where Simpson played college ball.

I have a great idea:  how about the thrift store or a trash can?  The suit is not a part of American history.  Who cares what he wore?  Are we going to try to admit the socks, underdrawers or dirty white t-shirts of every famous person we know?  What about the suit he wore when he was found liable in the civil trial?  Or better yet the suit he wore when he was found guilty in that mess in Nevada?  I think the white Bronco or the gloves would be more suitable. If they don’t fit, you must acquit!

Model Behaviour
Naomi Campbell is at it again!  New York police are interested in speaking with the supermodel but don’t know where to find her.  Allegedly, she attacked her limo driver and then fled the scene of the crime when he tried to report it to police.  The driver claimed that Naomi Campbell struck him in the back of the head so hard that his face hit the steering wheel.  He pulled the car over and flagged down a traffic officer to report what happened.  She jumped out of the car and ran away when the traffic cop called a police officer.  The driver has a small bruise and some swelling under his eye to support his story, but a spokesperson for Naomi Campbell said that there is two sides to the story and Miss Campbell will cooperate with the police when she is ready.  In 1998, Campbell assaulted an assistant.  In 2005, she beat a housekeeper with a cell phone. I n 2006, she attacked her counselor.

 

Okay, first of all, she might need to eat.  We know that supermodels are notoriously thin, and being thin and hungry all the time makes you angry.  Secondly, it’s time for her to do some jail time.  She is not going to learn any other way.  All this picking up trash off roadsides and paying restitution is not doing anything for her.  Lock her up for a few weeks and let them jail birds beat on her for awhile.  She’ll come out a changed woman.

Today’s Thought

We are creatures of the moment; we live from one little space to another; and only one interest at a time files these. –William Dean Howells