Am I ever glad to see the end of a year as I am this one. The year of our Lord 2006 was not a particularly good year for me. I have my ups and downs just like everyone else and this one was a downer. Last night as the seconds ticked away into 2007, I hoped and prayed that this year will be a turning point in my life. Nothing seriously bad has happened to me in 2006, just a series of rough disappointments, and a bittersweetness of what could have been. I hate that feeling. I looked back to the end of 2005 for 2006’s resolutions, but it appears I either forgot to write them down or it didn’t save. At any rate, I think it doesn’t matter because I feel as if I’ve accomplished nothing in the past 365 days.
Over the course of this miserable year, three of my relatives have passed away. An aunt and two uncles. I was not particularly close to any of them, but something like that always reminds you of your own mortality, and added to the fact that they were generally the same age as my parents gives me pause. Luckily, no one in my immediate family or my close network of friends was either seriously injured or killed this year. So, if I try to think positively, 2006 wasn’t so bad after all.
But really. It’s been a shitty year. I should have realised the tone when I tried to start working on my debts in January 06 and they suddenly cut out the overtime. I’ve been penny pinching since then, and money has been tight, giving me this paralyzed feeling that I can’t control my own financial destiny. This year (2007) was supposed to be the year in which I began saving for a house because last year was supposed to be the year I worked on debts. I wound up getting sent to Arizona for school and the military pays no money and there was no overtime to be had. I’m even worse off than when I started. I abhor the fact that I owe anyone. It creates instability and stifles my style. I don’t get to enjoy the things I want to do because I am busy counting nickles to make sure mouths get paid. I know that my debt isn’t high when compared to people with 2 and 3 credit cards and law school loans, but it’s enough for me. I want to make my money work for itself, but 2006 has taught me sufferance and frugality.
2006 was the year in which I realised that I had wasted 2 good years of my life on a piece of trash boyfriend. After letting him drag me down all that time I finally got the good sense to leave his ass alone. It hurt to do so because now I can just chalk it up to yet another failed relationship, but it was empowering because I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to be pulled down like that. I’m usually so strong and in control of myself, and yet, look what I did. I have always been confident in myself, high self-esteem, some would even say vanity and conceitedness. I just let him eat away at me until I felt like nothing. Why did I do that to myself? Who knows. I cannot even say that I did it for love because I know now that I never loved him, only pretending to do so. What a waste. 2006 has taught me disappointment.
2006 was also the year in which I learned how trifling and petty some people can be. Just when you think you have good friends, they do something to shatter all your illusions. I’m so gullible that I like to believe that everyone has some good in them, even though time and time again I have people shit on me. And everyone claims I am so mean because I don’t trust anyone. “Open your heart!” Eric says. “Learn to love people,” another friend says. I don’t trust anyone and I certainly would never call myself loving anyone. I have never used those words to anyone outside of family and I more than likely never will. 2006 has taught me bitterness.
So now that 2006 is dead and gone, I find myself alone, mad in debt, and emotionally fraught. Dare I hope that 2007 will be better? I should not trust to do so because 2008 will find me wailing the same tune.