My Ghetto-Fabulous Cousin

I’ve written about Erica, my Ghetto-Fabulous cousin many times.  She’s the one who had Mariah Carey as an imaginary friend.  She also knew that Selena was going to get killed by her manager.  I think I wrote about her experience of meeting a boy at the bus station and taking him home and fucking him the same night.  That’s where Baby #1 came from.  Baby #2 came from the same boy, but he beat her and he went to jail.

He had another girlfriend anyway and 3 kids with this girl.  He claimed that the girl was his aunt and my dumb cousin believed him.  So that boy is out of my cousin’s life, but she got pregnant again, had an abortion and now she has a new boyfriend.  His name is Dank.  Please don’t ask me where he got that terrible name, but that’s his name.  

Anyway, Dank and Erica are the ultimate ghetto couple.  They live in the projects, drive around in other people’s cars.  He sells drugs.  Erica lives off welfare.  Neither one has a legit job, although reports are that she now works at the MacDonald’s she got fired from awhile back.  She doesn’t have a high school diploma so what do you think an unwed mother of 3 is going to do for a living.  Incidentally, she’s not yet 21.  

She’s pregnant again, her fourth pregnancy, but only the third child.  I just got off the phone with my sister and she says that Erica might deliver tonight.  Guess what she is going to name the baby?


According to Erica, Dank is going to kill her if she doesn’t name the baby this godawful testimony to the consequences of living hoodrich.  Erica, do you even realise how stupid you sound?  

I’m opposed to “black” names which are really bizarre combinations of other names, misspellings, and retardations and bastardisations of real names.  There is nothing wrong with being black or having pride in being black, but really, some of these names are ridiculous.  I think you damn yourself and your child when you give your kid this ridiculous name that screams “Hi, my parents are ghetto!” Your child is damned before he even opens his mouth.  Potential employers, college application assessors, etc, before they meet you, they meet your piece of paper and if your name is Bomquisha N’ashea’li-Tawana Brown, I think they are going to know you are from the ‘hood.

Putting accents, hyphens, and apostrophes in your name (unless your name is really foreign) doesn’t make your name more cool.  Taking regular names and switching the spellings around really only shows that you are an idiot and don’t know how to spell.

Terrible names I’ve heard:

Anferny (because whoever named him doesn’t speak English well enough to realise the name is ANTHONY)

It seems like you just hit some keys on the keyboard and that is what you name your child.  

Hi, this is my son Weruzjaqqfnj.  You pronounce it “Tom”


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