Adventures in Tae Kwan Do Class

So, I went this evening to my tae kwon do class.  I missed Monday because I wasn’t feeling well.  I came early today because it was time for me to pay my monthly fee.  While I was waiting for the owner, this random homeless looking person wandered into the school.

Just to describe the school.  It is a typical lot in a shopping centre, next to a grocery store, with big windows so everyone on the street can see what is going on in side.  So when this homeless man comes in, I realised I had seen him wandering around in the shoping centre many times. 

I didn’t pay him any attention, but when the other two female students (a girl and her mother) came, the girl rolled her eyes like, “Oh God.”  So obviously I had missed something on Monday.

We get ready for the class and the homeless man, who really isn’t homeless but he’s really like simple-minded.  You know, not exactly a retard but more like a person who is real slow and not socially oriented properly.  The simpleton came over and he started babbling about being ready for the class and he can’t wait to learn something new.  Then he says, “Yeah, I’m going to try to take a piece of someone who is better than me, so I can find out what I can do.”

The point of martial arts classes is not necessarily to learn how to kick ass just for the sake of kicking ass.  You are not going to turn into Jet Li and start doing some Matrix shit in one day.  It takes years for anything like that to even pretend to happen.  Coming in a class and saying you are ready to kick someone’s ass, that is not the point of the class.  The other two students are looking at him like he’s an asshole, but we start the class.

I discovered why he is a simpleton.  He has NO attention span whatsoever.  We start every class with some jumping jacks and then we stretch.  We do about 50.  Around 3 he started wandering around the class looking at stuff.  The instructor was like, “uhm, you have to come back over here.” 

We start stretching and he is just laying on the floor.

When it’s time to practise our kicks, he is looking at the wall.

The instructor was like, “Hey, man, look over here.”  The primary instructor was talking to the owner so another black belt was leading the class, and this guy is a beast.  He don’t be playing.  (He is the one who made us work so hard I got stuck in my bra (see Bra of Death).)  At any rate, he is having us jump and kick, jump and kick, jump and kick.  The simpleton is jumping but he is not kicking.

Yeah, I know when you first start everything is hard and all your  muscles are like, “Fuck this!” but he wasn’t even doing anything but just jumping.  The instructor was like, “You have to kick,” and he was like, “I have to get my body acclimated.”  And then he started wandering around the class again. 

So the main instructor came back and he wanted us to kick the bag.  That shit is not a game, okay.  If you kick the bag wrong, it kicks back and you won’t like it.  So I am learning new kicks because I am the next level.

The retard comes back because he wants to kick the bag too.  Of course, he is kicking it all wrong and the instructor is trying to give him some pointers because the bag hurts if you kick it wrong.  When I first started I had bruises on my feet and legs from kicking the bag wrong.  The retard is pretty much doing whatever the fuck he wants to do and then he starts getting mad, and then he starts kicking the shit out of the bag.

He is fucking the bag up and the instructor is trying to get him to stop.  The retard said, “I have to keep going because I won’t let him get the best of me.”

Okay, it’s a bag.  It doesn’t think.

The instructor was like, “Everyone else has to have a turn.”  But the retard said that he gets this thing inside him where he can’t give up.  He is just filled with determination and he will stop at nothing to win.  He was like, “That’s a good attitude to have, right?”

The instructor was like great, but stop kicking.  Let someone else have a chance.  So the retard punches the bag a few times and then walks away and starts wandering around the class again.  Everyone is looking at him like, what the fuck?

The adult class is very small, only about 6 people.  A mom and her daughter, this high school kid, an older man and me.  Sometimes another guy comes but not at a lot.  We all know each other well because it’s just us.  So when a retard shows up, no one knows how to act and everyone doesn’t like him because he is retarded.

When it’s his turn to kick again, he started cussing at the bag.  There are small children, the kids of the adults who are in the class, so the instructor was like, watch your langauge because there are little kids here.  He was like, “I just get so mad!  I can’t help myself.”

So, then the class is over and I am trying to run out because I forgot American Idol had started, and the retard was like, “I am going to stay here all night until I have the perfect kick.”  The instructor was like, “No, we can’t stay here after a certain time.”

That shit was hilarious because he was making no moves to get up and get ready to go.  You know, put your shoes back on and put your jacket on.  Everyone is bundled up ready to go and the retard is wandering around the class room trying to attack the bag.  We put the bags away in the corner for the next class in the morning, but he was steady trying to get the bag. 

I just left.

You are allowed to come for two weeks for free.  Something tells me the retard is not going to be able to pay the fee for monthly lessons so hopefully his free joint will run out and we won’t see him again.

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