Get Down On Your Knees and Tell Me You Love Me

So… I broke up with John for a reason. He was a piece of trash. I spent so much time wanting him to be the one, trying to be perfect in every way so that he would think I was the one for him. Whatever he liked, I suddenly liked. Whatever he wanted to do, I wanted to do too. Every little comment he made, I took it to heart and tried to figure out how I could incorporate it into my life, into my being. Why do women do such things? It’s this desperation that often drives us to madness. We’re so scared of being by ourselves, of being lonely that we are willing to do anything to keep from sleeping alone at night.

It’s time to wake up.

After a slap in the face (not literally) I just wkoe up one day and realised how tired I was of trying to make something work that wasn’t going to work. I realised how unsuited we were for each other. How miserable a life we would have if we got married. We often talked about the future, we were together so long, so it only made sense, but when I started to feel nauseated at the thought of spending all eternity with this man I realised it was time to call it quits.

I’m not one for dramatics. I didn’t need to stage an event to break up with him; I just simply stopped calling him. I went away for military duty, which helped. I was so busy with that school that I did not have time to dwell on being by myself, which is the failing of a lot of women. Some women get the courage to get out of a bad situation but they have nothing to fall back on, and out of habit they wind up back where they started, sometimes worse.

At any rate, this revelation dawned upon me last April, and I finally made a clean break sometime this summer. I saw him in October but hadn’t called him or spoken to him until January. I wrote previously that I had to see how he was doing and to rub it in his face that I was doing perfectly well by myself. Ever since then he has been blowing up my phone.

The other night he called me at two am, begging and pleading to understand why I had left him. He kept saying in one breath that he was not trying to get me back and then the other breath he was saying that if we tried hard enough we could make it work. Sometimes he would say that his family didn’t think I was the one for him, and theyn he would say that he thought I was so special and no other girl could compare. “I will always regret you,” he said of our not being together anymore, then, “We weren’t just meant to be.”

Well, which is it?

It’s only vanity that requires me to hear the words to pump me up, but I know better. We’ll just fall into the same trap, the same cyclical motion of tedious boredom. After a few hours to arguging, him defending himself against my accuasations of why I was unhappy, his beration of me for whatever unseen anamoly I had commited againsted him, I was more convinced than ever. He wants to be friends but I feel like that’s a path to destruction. I think it is best to just walk away.

I have a tendency to be friends with all my exes because I never break up with someone over hard feelings. Usually I dump them before we can get too close. There was never anything wrong with whatever relationship, so there was never any reason to hate each other. But John… I don’t hate him. Of course not. He is what he is, and I knew when I got with him, so I can’t blame him for his tricks.

I told Terrence that I would rather be single and alone then stressed out over why I’m not good enough, bending myself backwards to make myself perfect, or stuck in some endless cycle of mental break down.

Girls, don’t do it to yourself!


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