* Names have been changed to protect the (not-so) innocent.
Just now we were having an intense discussion on friendships and what people will do to you. Have you ever had someone just totally shit on you and it just blows you away that they will stoop that low to hurt you. Sometimes when people do things to you, they don’t even know that they’ve done you wrong. Their character is so fucked up that they don’t even know they are a shitty person. Isn’t that insane?
At any rate, Shannon, my homegirl, and I, we were talking about this today on the lane. We have a mutual friend, or ex-friend I should say. We went into lengthy discussion about shitty she is. Shalise*. I’ve talked about her before. She used to be the raincloud on my parades years ago. She came to work with us today, and as usual, had that funky attitude, treating everybody like she is so much better than them when really her life is so fucked up. She’s a filthy whore, fucking every guy she knows in order to fulfil this dead space that must be inside her. Such a sad life.
When I found out that she was screwing Kevin* behind my back, I stopped talking to her and yet she had this power over me to make me feel like I was the phone that had done something wrong. She would give me this guilt trip, “How could you think I could do something like that,” and be so genuine that I would believe her and doubt myself, “What was I thinking? She’s my friend. She would never do this to me.” What a fool I was. I guess that is part of being young and naive. That’s how you grow up, going through things like this. It still hurts.
We talked, at length, about Kevin* and what he’s doing these days. Still a whore, cheating on his wife, fucking Shalise* to this day, bringing home whatever diseases she may have contracted to his wife and child. He’s so pompous, full of himself. “I’m good,” he says. There’s this need to assuage his guilt by pretending that he is satisfied with his wife, citing that he hasn’t “messed with any other girls” since Whenever, Wherever, Whatever.
What a lie.
He is a piece of trash, and to think I thought I was in love with this guy! How stupid was I? When I look back at myself, read old journal entries, my face gets hot because I am embarassed that I once was so stupid. Stupidity should be painful and it was. I used to cry and cry and cry over this guy and everything I perceived he did to me. I did it to myself. I let these things happen to me. I cannot blame him in the slightest, because if you let a mother fucker do it to you, HE IS GONNA DO IT TO YOU, and give it to you raw.
Shannon told me some other things about him I didn’t know, but no longer surprise me. Years ago, whenever I used to hear gossip concerning him my heart used to do this little flutter like he was betraying me, or something. Now, my heart is so tough from being battered that I don’t even flinch. It doesn’t hurt because he is not my problem anymore. He is his wife’s problem and whatever other dumb girl that has fallen into his trap.
All the Shalises* and Kevins* and Jons and Tyrells* of the world… I don’t have time for this.
So what do I say to Shannon while we’re having this out?
My friendships are throwaway.
We can be cool today, laugh, joke around, hang out at the mall, do whatever. Yeah, I’m always down for a good time, but getting close to me? Knowing what’s on my mind, being an integral part of my life, no, I can’t do it. Instead of me proving myself to someone else, everyone else has to prove themself to me (is that even proper English?) I cannot always say I’ve been the best friend to people. I know I’ve done some shitty things myself. Nobody’s perfect. But there are things that I wouldn’t do. There are levels to which I can sink. I don’t think I could ever do to anyone what Shalise*, Kevin*, Jon, Tyrell*, Jennifer, or Caroline has done to me. It’s just not in me, I think. You have to care, and I don’t.
If we are cool today, hanging out and stuff today, that’s cool. If you don’t want to hang out tomorrow, that’s cool, too. No skin off my nose. Since living in Baltimore I have developed this outer layer, this aligator skin where nothing even bothers me anymore, and if does, you will never tell. I’ll just cut you out of my life like you are a piece of trash. That’s the best way to do it.
I know what you’re thinking, how callous, how cold. But it’s what you have to do to survive in this dog-eat-dog world. I plan on living a long time, and I don’t plan on doing it with tears and regrets.