My Last Will and Testament

Yesterday, June 6, 2007, was my very last day in that jail known as BWI airport.  As I swiped out at Kronos for the last time I experienced a rush of excitement that I had not felt in a long time.  At the end of my exit interview, when the representative took my badge away, I felt like she was taking shackles off my arms and legs.

I am done.

A wild ride that has lasted four and a half years has finally come to an end, and I could not be more happier.  But just like anything, there’s been a few haters.  As I think on it, there’s been a few haters during my entire career at TSA.  Let’s see here, when I first moved to Baltimore, I had haters because I didn’t say much and I was labelled as “snobbish,” “full of herself,” and “act like she’s better than everyone.”  I heard comments like, “talks funny” and “sounds like a white girl.”  I even had someone say to me, “I’m going to blackenize you, even if it kills me.”

From the beginning, I had issues.  The person I presented was not good enough, and since that time people have been trying to change me, and I let them.  Now, four and a half years later, I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself.  I have bastardised myself to the point that even I do not like who I have become.  It’s time to end all that.  I’m not sure if I can reverse it, but I’m sure there’s still room for improvement.

I just don’t think any of you really understand that I wasn’t going to last another minute there.  Everyday was a trial to get out of bed.  You should hear some of the lies I have concocted to tell the supervisors as to why I could not come to work.  I’m going to hell for using some of my family members in a lie, but I had to do what I had to do.  A few times I said I had drill when I didn’t.  One time I told Robert that my roof had a leak in it and my apartment was flooded.  You  know, I believe in karma.  When you say things that are not true, when you do nasty things, it always comes back to you.  Do you know how many times I was fearful that apartment was really going to get flooded?  Or maybe it would catch afire. 

When you start feeling like that, doing things like that, it’s time to go.  So to all you haters that really think I quit because of Tyrone or because I took skanky pictures of myself and put them on the internet, can you really get a clue, please?

That just goes to show that only a handful of you really know me or where I am coming from.  Do you really think I would let some MFer run me off my job?  Do you really think I would take naked pictures of MYSELF and put them on myspace?  In case anyone hadn’t noticed, I’m not the slimmest girl.  I’m not quite body-ready to do porn.  I’ll let you know when I lose 20 lbs how I feel about it, but that won’t be for a while.

That’s the type of garbage I’m talking about.  People at that place are so caught up with each other’s business that they don’t stop and think about what is going on in their lives.  So many people sit and pass judgement on others when they have no right to do so themselves.  Only God can judge me, and judge me He will when it’s my turn.  I will have to answer for all the things I have done in my life, and trust me there have been quite a few shady things I have done.  I would never have anyone believe that I’m the perfect innocent.  I know what is in store for me.

But for the rest of you, well, there’s nothing I can say to you, because getting on myspace and posting a bitch-fest blog is not going to change you.  You’ve been like that all your life, and you will be like that for the rest of your life because you don’t care.  For whatever reason, when you are sitting up in the breakroom gossiping about someone, you never stop to think how it might hurt that person with your nasty words.  You don’t stop to think, “How is this my business?”  Do you stop to think, “Well, my shit ain’t so great at home, so I’m not going to judge her?”  No, you don’t, because you are missing a piece called humanity.  The person that does those things isn’t human, they’re basically an animal.  Because that’s what animals do to one another. 

I let so many things happen to me at TSA because I make terrible decisions.  I do not know what I was thinking when I decided to take up friendship with certain people.  Those people did not care anything for me, but I was so pressed about hanging around with them, wanting them to think I was important.  I don’t know what was going through my mind at the time.  A friend told me that I wear my emotions on my sleeve, that I let people get under my skin.  It’s true, I’m emotional, you can read what I’m thinking on my face.  I don’t want to change that about me because that’s what makes me.  I have feelings, I let them show.  I never proclaim to be tough, to keep things hidden.  That’s a snake to me, when you never know what is on a person’s mind.  I do agree that  I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, but that’s going to be a long hard road ahead.

I can say, however, that even though you may know what my feelings are because I never hide them, I can say that through all these four and a half years, nobody has ever really known me.  My name is Shèrika, lover of opera music and British literature.  I like wearing black and going to goth clubs.  I have bad allergies in the summertime and don’t know how to swim.  I joined the Army to get away from TSA, and it was the best decision I ever made.  My favourite colour is pink.  I don’t believe in young marriages or having children early.  I don’t believe in welfare or other social programs.  I’m a republican, but didn’t vote for Bush.  I think black people create a lot of their own problems.  I would marry a white man.  I was abused as a child and was frequently told nobody loved me or wanted me.  I eat a bowl of chocolate cereal before going to bed.  Even though I’m a Muslim, I like Christian churches.  I wanted to be a nun when I was 14.  I think all American children should be required to study abroad and become fluent in another language.  I ran away from home frequently as a teenager.  I didn’t learn to drive until I was 22.  I think everyone should be required to be in the military for 2 years so they can appreciate what the military actually does for this country.  I also think everyone should be required to do a month of community service ever year, so they can understand what is going on around them, and stop being so wrapped up in their own problems.  A good friend of mine once abandoned me in a parking lot because she thought I was drunk, but really I had a cyst and required surgery.  I don’t drink and I don’t smoke, and I think that people who do should be required to pay for their own medicines, surgeries, etc., and that insurance should not cover it.  I think that when women find out that their man has been cheating, she should publically announce it, so that people don’t look at her like a dummy, but look at him like the piece of trash that he is.

I wrote all of that, and there are a few things that people will know, but there’s things in there that nobody knew, because nobody cared, even now nobody cares, because they only care about the gossip, hurting other people, because they are selfish and hateful and ugly. 

These are the same people who were so desperate to find out if the rumours were true about me and my friend, that they actually called him up to ask, “Are you really fucking her!”  To the people who did this, I want you to stop, get up from your computer, and go to a mirror and look at it.  Stare at yourself for a minute and then I want you to ask yourself out loud, “Why am I so concerned about who she is sleeping with?”  Please, I want you to do that.  When you come up blank, you will feel stupid, because you ARE stupid, a stupid, hateful, ugly person who is so depressed with his own life that you have to feed off the joy of others.  A person who cannot stand to see another person enjoying life, having a good time that you do everything in your power to take it away from them.

After awhile, people just got bold and came up and asked me, “Are you still messing with So-and-So?”  Do I ask you, “How are things in your marriage?  Do you fuck your wife every night?  Does she know about your sexual exploits with your female coworkers?”  Do I ask you, “How’s your girlfriend doing?  What about that other chick you were messing with?  Does she know you have a girlfriend?”  Did I ever ask, “So, uhm, how’s things with your man?  He still staying out all night, fucking other women?” 

Next time, before you go to get in someone else’s business, think about what it would be like for someone to dig in your business.  Get up again, and go stand in the mirror.  Stare at yourself and then say, “I would not want M-Fers to know that me and my husband are having problems.”  “I would not want anyone to find out that my wife is cheating on me.”  “I would not want anyone to know that I beat my girlfriend.”  You have your dirt, just like I have mine.  Respect other people’s privacy and they will respect yours.  When you start treading into another’s man home, don’t be upset if you log onto myspace and you find all your business aired out in someone’s blog.  What goes around, comes around.

At any rate, this is my last will and testament on the subject of TSA.  After this, I can have nothing more to say, unless, of course, someone decides to cross me, and I will just start putting M-Fers on blast.  Because if they are talking about me, you can be assured that they will be talking about you, too.

A lot of people were wondering what I’m going to do with myself post-TSA.  You don’t need to worry about that.  I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time, and I’m going to continue taking care of myself.  If I have a job, or if I don’t, that’s not your concern. If I don’t have a job, are you going to pay my bills?  Of course, you aren’t, so why are you concerned?  If I’m moving to Florida or staying here, does it matter?  You were not my friend while living here, so why would I think anybody would care if I moved to Florida or moved to the moon for that matter?

Just know I am in a better place where I can regain my sanity and try to make something out of my life that has been falling apart for the past 5 years.  If you can, try to be happy for me, and don’t hate.  If you can’t, well, that’s okay, because Jesus still loves you. 

To everyone that I worked with, whether you cared for me or not, whether I cared for you or not, thank you for providing life’s tough lessons.  Even though I say my experience at TSA was miserable, I really have learned some things.  I know what mistakes never to make again.  My entire time there was not completely rotten.  There’s been some good moments and some good laughs.  There’s a few people I hope I don’t lose contact with, but I know how that goes.  It’s no hard feelings if we slip away into the wind.  I do not bear anyone any ill-will, and I hope that we all get what deserve out of life. 

We will, I know we will.

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