Daily News September 5

Man Extorts $20,000 From His Mother

Okay, so a man from Rhode Island is being charged with extorting $20,000 from his own mother.  He would call her up and threaten her with kidnapping the cat if she didn’t pay up. 

The mother kicked him out of the house last year and that’s when he began extorting her.  The mother apparently was very lonely and considered the cat her companion, not just a pet so she paid the money:  a total of $20,000 over the year.  The son actually did kidnap the cat once, but the cat wasn’t harmed.

So, anybody else completely baffled by this situation?  Yea, I know the mother is like, “the cat is more than just a pet,” but she actually paid her son $20,000 to keep the cat safe.  She paid him $20,000.  Do you know what I could do with that type of money and she is paying it to her son?  If he kidnapped the cat, I would just get another damn cat.

Actually, I’d probably hire someone to beat his ass since I had $20,000 to give him to protect my cat.  And then on top of that, he should go to hell because he did that to his own mother.  Why didn’t he just ask her for money?  She sounds like the type that would give it to him.

Some people are just weird.

Prancing Prisoners

So this prison in the Philipines used to be rather violent.  Prisoner deaths and corrupt guards, all that kind of stuff.  When a new warden came into power, he fired all the corrupt guards and he started making the prisoners dance.  They are required to practise 5 hours a day.  They put on such hits as YMCA, Sister Act and Thriller.

Since the dance programme has been put into effect, there hasn’t been one act of violence in the prison.  I mean, I guess if I were in prison, I’d rather dance than be hiding, fearful, in my cell that someone is about shank me or whatever it is prisoners do to each other.

According to one inmate, he says that dancing has taught him love.  I don’t know about all that; maybe it is rehibiliating.  If you know you are going to be in jail for life, or for some long ass time, might as well do something productive.

Opposers of this (and amazingly enough it’s none of the prisoners) think it’s demeaning to make them dance.  I’m going to bet that these opposers are also people who’ve never been inside a jail where murderers and rapists are locked up.  They have no idea what life is like on the inside.  If the prisoners don’t oppose and it doesn’t break any laws and it’s actually SAFER in the jail, what is the problem? 

Dancing promotes good health, reducing sickness in the prison which saves taxpayers money because now they aren’t paying inmates’ medical bills.  Dancing is also aerobic which releases endorphins, a natural pain killer, that makes you happy.  So, it naturally follows that prisoners that dance will be prone to less violence.  It’s all scientific, or whatever.

Don’t quote me on this, but apparently the Philippines have different laws than we do regarding justice.  Over there, I think you’re guilty until proven innocent.  There are a few people who are in jail awaiting trial to prove their innocence.

Until then, I guess they are going to be dancing the night away.

Men Like Hot Women

In a new study, scientists have apparently discovered what women have already known for centuries:  Men like attractive women.

No shit. 

They did this study in Germany with 30 people in a speed dating venue, where you “date” each person for like 3 minutes and then check off all the people you want to get to know more.  If you have a mutual match, then they arrange a date for those people. 

So, like, why are scientists wasting time on something we already know when they could be, I don’t know, studying the cure for cancer? 

I already know that men choose beauty over brains because men can see better than they can think.  I don’t know any man who purposely goes after an ugly woman.  Women who find themselves unattractive (and not the paranoid, low-self esteem ones) already know that a man is not going to look at them first if they are standing next to Barbie. 

I’m just not sure how these scientists could not come to this conclusion simply through life’s trials and tribulations.  Why did they have to conduct a ‘study?’

Mattel Recalls Barbie

Mattel has recalled more than 800,000 Barbie and Fisher-Price toys citing excessive levels of lead.  If you have kids and have bought this stuff for them between 10/06 and 8/07, you should check it out because it might make your kids sick.  This is the third time this summer that Mattel has had to recall its toys.  It’s not the actual Barbie that’s the problem, it’s some of her accessories.  Go to the website for more information. 

Does anybody else think this is a conspiracy?  This is like the fourth time that something Made in China has had to be recalled.  Is this saying something?

I think it is.  The Chinese are out to get us.  First, they put poison in the pet food, killing all the dogs and cats.  Then they started putting antifreeze in toothpaste.  See.  Next it’s lead in the paint on the toys that we are giving to our children.

See, China knows they might not be able to beat us in traditional warfare.  We got nukes and planes and ships and the most advanced army in the world.   So China has to be sneaky about it, by sending us poisonous food and radioactive toothpaste and lead-filled toys to give us cancer.  They are trying to kill us from the inside.

It’s a conspiracy.  Don’t trust anybody!

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