I am anti-social because of my inability to make small talk. I am also anti-social because when people make small talk with me, I am unable to control my facial expression. I am find it physically impossible for me to feign interest in what someone is saying if it truly doesn’t interest me. The person speaking can be an otherwise nice person, but they might be talking about something stupid, in which case, I’ll look at them like they’re stupid, and at the same trying to put on this fake smile that makes it seem like I’m interested.
I have decided that it is far easier for me to appear disgruntled and moody, so that other people will avoid including me in mundane conversation. If you ever see me frowned up, mean-mugging, or otherwise generally looking pissed, I’m probably not. Inside, I’m probably having a joyous day, but I don’t want you to ruin it with your useless diatribe.
I particularly try to avoid conversations about other people’s children (this does not necessarily include my friends, only strange persons that think their children are the best at everything), bitch-fests about boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, money problems, weight problems, conversations about weather, anything having to do with pets, and anything else I can think of that can be deemed as trite.
I only say this because once someone starts a small talk conversation, it usually turns into a bitch-fest to which you cannot relate. I do have money problems, weight problems, sometimes issues with my not-really-that-significant-other, but these are all issues that I’m actually taking care of… I am fat, and complain about being fat but I also get up every morning to run, do yoga at night and Tae Kwon Do twice a week, all the while surviving on 1500 calories a day. I have lost 8 lbs in the past 3 weeks while you’ve gained 8 lbs in the three minutes it takes you to bitch about being fat, barely breathing as you shove a whole caramel-drizzled Auntie Ann pretzel in your maw only to wash it down with a 64 oz Big Gulp of Pepsi (which has ALL of your daily recommended value of calories in it).
Excuse you while you have your foot amputated from sugar diabetes.
When someone includes you in something this senseless, you can be a total asshole and say, “Well, if you put down the Baconator maybe you wouldn’t be so damn fat,” or you can slap on a fake ass smile and say some shit like, “Oh,” “Yeah! Me too!” (when it’s really not) or “I know the feeling!” (when you really don’t). Which is worse?
I don’t treat my close personal acquaintances like this; this only applies to random people that I don’t know, like the guy sitting next to me on the Metro or a co-worker that managed to trap me in the ladies’ room or some drunk guy at the club.
I especially hate small talk conversations about NOTHING.
I workout in my company’s gym almost every morning. I get up an extra hour early so I can burn off all the extra calories I know I’m going to get that day. So, number one, I’m out of bed early, number two, I’ve been exercising so I’m really not in the best frame of mind.
I finish my run and go to the locker room to change and this woman is already in there having a conversation with someone. I am washing up or whatever, and this whole time she is keeping up a steady stream of chatter. I wasn’t paying attention because she wasn’t talking to me.
So I go over to the mirrors so I can put my face on, and she comes in there with her blow dryer. She says, “Oh, I love your shoes!” I made this small sound, like… oh, thanks. The shoes are like beige with specks of colour: red, grey, purple, pink and this black strap thingie across the front.
Then she says: “Of course, I could never wear anything like that because I’d have to wear solid colours.”
Lady: “I always have the hardest time wearing solid colours. It’s like I can never find anything.”
Lady: “I did see some shoes just like that at the PX, and I really wanted them.”
Lady: “I didn’t though, you know, solid colours and everything.”
Me: (At this point, I stopped making those little noises of agreement, and I’m just staring at her while I’m brushing eye-shadow onto my eyelid)
Lady: “Hey, but look at this! I’m wearing solid colours now. Wow.”
(She was wearing a white turtle neck with navy trousers and a red belt)
Me: (I’m just staring at her)
Lady: “Of course, my shoes wouldn’t be all colourful like yours. Mine would be red, white and blue.” (Nervous laughter)
Me: (Still staring)
Lady: “But then, if they were red, white and blue, I’d look like a flag!!” (Bursts into hysterical laughter)
Me: (Just … staring… at this …. crazy…ass…lady)
She walks away right after that, and I am still staring at the spot she vacated. I didn’t realise that another woman was standing behind us, and when the first lady left, this other lady says to me, “Girl, you should see your face. You are like… what… ??”
Hell yeah! What the fuck am I supposed to say to that senseless rambling? One of the MdTAPs asked me why I looked so mean all the time, and I told him it’s because if I smile and look approachable, people will come up to me with even more shit that I didn’t want to hear in the first place. If I look disgruntled and anti-social as I do now, I only have to deal with a very small handful, and then, those are the extreme weirdoes that usually provide something for me to bitch about in my blog, and otherwise subjecting YOU to my small talk-turned-bitchfest