So… Lanae sends me this email to go to see her alma mater choir sing at this church. You know, since I haven’t been to church this century, I felt I was over-due and I like Christmas and I like choirs. Why the hell not?
I just want to thank Lanae for subjecting me to the world’s longest and most worst-est (yes, most worst-est) concert I have ever been to in my life.
First, I must praise the kids. It’s an all-minority after-school choir. They practise real hard, and learn things about music, friendship and discipline. I’m glad they are doing something productive rather than out in the streets getting high, shooting each other and having babies. There are worse things in the world then terrible singing.
It made me think back to my days in choir. My choir pretty much sucked. There were like 10 of us who could sing really well, but the rest of us were horrible and it showed. Millford Mill was like that, but like… worse.
I thought they were going to be all gospel. Gospel music is great and everything, but really gospel choirs are just a group of black people singing as loud as possible with a loud ass band in the background drowning out the fact they really can’t sing. I never expected this group to tackle madigrals or opera.
As a connossieur and a person who has gone through some training, I know what to listen for. The sopranos had absolutely no strength to their breathy, high notes. The males overpowered the females, which is rare and especially since there were twice as many female vocalists. It took everything I had not to get up and leave.
There was a female soloist who tried a baroque version of “Rejoice.” Also terrible. I give her mad points for bravery though, because if it were me, I would have ran off the stage and shot myself in the bathroom. Another female vocalist did “O Holy Night!” I didn’t enjoy it because I didn’t enjoy her voice, although she was on note and could actually sing. These two singers were adults.
As for the kids, well, they did very well on their gospel numbers and they looked like they were having a lot of fun. Very enthusiastic. So I have to give them some credit. The best song they did was “We Didn’t Know.” They got the attention of the audience with that one.
Everything else was pretty much terrible.
And you know how black people get… They didn’t start on time, and then they started preaching and black church-going people can get so long-winded. The director said they were going to do 1 or 2 more songs, they did 4 additional songs.
Before I realised it, I had been in church on a Saturday night for 3 hours. Needless to say, I did not make it to the club that night. I was so tired and almost comatose from starvation, that I went home and immediately went to bed.