Daily News January 22

Lost At Sea
Two Burmese men managed to survive twenty-five (25) days at sea floating in a cooler.  They were initially aboard a fishing vessel when the boat sank for unknown reasons.  The two men managed to climb into a cooler while presumably the rest of the crew drowned.  The men had no equipment, no beacons, no safety devices. They just floated until an Australian coastal patrol just happened to find them.  Which is pretty random as Australia has one of the longest coastlines in the world.  The coastal patrol of Australia is responsible for searching 1/10 of the earth’s surface because the country is so goddamn big.

If you managed to survive 25 days in a cooler out on the open water, excuse me, I forgot to add SHARK-infested open water, someone up there must really love you.  The two men are being questioned as to what they did for food and water.  We all know that the body can go awhile without food, but it can’t go too long without water, and somehow I don’t think they had any de-salination kits in that cooler with them.

Why Your Mail Is Always Late
A Detroit postal worker has pleaded guilty on desertion of mail charges.  Mail is to be delivered under all circumstances, rain, hail, sleet, snow, intense heat, evil dogs, whatever.  Except for federal holidays, you must deliver the mail.  Apparently this mail carrier was like, “You know what?  I’m not in the mood.”  Instead of delivering the mail, she was taking the mail to a storage facility where she kept it under lock and key until one day she forgot to pay the bill.  The storage facility owners opened up the space and found thousands of unopened mail, including first class letters.  Some of the mail went all the way back to 2005.  The worker was apparently delivering mail up until the point it got dark and whatever was left, she would just lock it up.  She said, “I couldn’t deliver the mail.”  Why she didn’t just wait until the next day to try to deliver the rest of mail, not sure, but she will be going to jail.

The post office says there have been other cases, although this is not a usual occurrence.  One man stored up to 4 TONS of mail in his home.  He had been keeping mail for at least 10 years.  The mail was stacked neatly in his house and the man said he has no idea why he was taking the mail.  Most of the mail was unopened. 

Okay, talk about fire hazard.  Four tons of mail… FOUR TONS of mail sitting in your house, lined up along your walls, stacked up all neatly.  I don’t know about anybody else, but the sight of my own stacked up mail is an irritation.  Most of the time, I don’t open it because I know it’s a bill.  I usually keep it for a minute, then shred it.  I couldn’t imagine have FOUR TONS of mail just sitting in my house.  How do you even move?  They had to use four trucks to remove all of the third class mail he had stored in his garage for six years.  The man even had the shit sorted into classes.  That’s serious.  Can you imagine you’ve been waiting for that letter from Grandma all these years and the post office finally delivers that shit and they say, “Sorry, it was sitting in this guy’s garage since 2001.  My bad.”

Rodney King, Handicapped Style
A Chicago police officer has admitted that he did indeed handcuff a handicapped man to his wheelchair then slapped him repeatedly and beat him with his nightstick.  The man, who is permanently wheelchair bound, was stabbed in a separate incident and was waiting at the hospital to be seen.  The guy was being loud and verbally abusive to the hospital staff, so the police officer came over to arrest the man.  He then handcuffed the guy to his wheelchair and started slapping the shit out of him.  He also struck him several times with his nightstick. 

First, the officer tried to lie and say that the wheelchair guy punched him, but then he admitted that no such thing happened and that he was beating him for shits’n’giggles.

This is precisely why people do not trust the police.  Who would even believe that a crippled ass man, a crippled man who had been STABBED punched a police officer?  You couldn’t even think of a better lie than that?  He should have said that the guy tried to run him over with his wheelchair.  That would have been more believeable.

The Virgin Prostitute
If anybody out there is looking for a virgin prostitute, you can find one at nataliedylan@bunnyranch.com.  (She also has a myspace page).  I hope you have the money though.  Currently, her virginity is worth $3.8 million in an online auction through a Nevada brothel. 

This random chick from California has decided to auction off her virginity to the highest bidder.  She claims that it does not violate her sense of morality or her religion.  Since she is not hurting anybody, and she is doing this through the state of Nevada, she says there is nothing wrong with this.

Of course, religious groups are about to shit themselves trying to come up with all the reasons why this is wrong.  But there are some people who say it’s her body and she should do with it what she wants. 

We all know what this stems from, the idea that a virgin is somehow pure and wonderful, but the sad truth is that you can only be a virgin once, even if you go and get that reconstructive surgery.  Once you pop, you can’t stop.  In the old days, men wanted virgins because they wanted to be sure that any progeny from a marriage was their own.  In foreign, third world backward nations, a virgin bride recieves a higher dowry.  Some obscure nations even believe that if you have sex with virgins, you’ll be cured of AIDS. 

Naturally, this comes from the idea that women are property but this gives the idea that women are like Kleenex, once used there is no further value for them. 

Since this is 2009 and this is America, sex has lost most emotional meaning for many people since you can see naked ass on daytime television and 8 year olds have favoured sexual positions. 

Religious crusaders start up lame ass programs like the Golden Promise where teenagers take vows to remain abstinent but they are not taught what to do when temptation overwhelms.  Research has shown that kids who take such ridiculous vows are just as likely to have sex as kids who don’t, and that these kids are also less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control because number one, they are ashamed they broke their vows and two, they want to keep it a secret from everyone else.

I am not agreeing with what Natalie Dylan is doing.  It’s right or wrong, depending on the way you look at it.  How you view society, sex and your own personal choices.  But look at this way, a lot of us girls waited to have sex with the guy who wouldn’t slap us around and the guy who would take us to a really “nice” dinner at TGIFriday’s. 

Looking back at your first lover, wouldn’t you rather have $3.8 million instead?

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