Adventure at the ER

So, yesterday afternoon at work, I started feeling bad.  I was all hot and dizzy.  Most days in the afternoon, I spend a lot of time reading my boss’s email, so I figured I was just tired of looking at the computer all day.  I decided to walk down to my friend’s office just to see how she was doing and to get away.  It was cooler in her office, so I was like.. “Yeah, that’s all I needed, just a little exercise and some fresh air.”

But when I got off work, I was mad hot.  It’s like 30 degrees outside but I had to take my coat off and drive with the windows down because I thought I was going to melt.  When I got home I had planned on having dinner and then going to workout but I was like, fuck that.  Eat and go to sleep.  Except I couldn’t sleep because I was so hot I couldn’t get comfortable.  My muscles started aching and my stomach started hurting.  I was just laying there like… what the hell is wrong with me.

I think I laid there for hours with this raging headache and sore muscles.  I couldn’t get to sleep.  I took some advil and that shit didn’t work.  At one point I started hallucinating.  I was imagining things.  It was really crazy.  I felt like I was high or something.  So finally at 11 o’clock, I was like… This shit cannot go on forever.  Because my fever wouldn’t go away, I decided I should go to the ER.

But since I was disoriented and dizzy, I was like… hmm, should I drive?  I didn’t want to call an ambulance because I felt like that would just cause a scene for no reason.  I couldn’t really call anyone beause it’s late at night.  The one person I did call didn’t answer their phone (and of course, they didn’t call me back to see what I wanted in the middle of the night.  That’s okay, jack ass.)  So I was like.. fuck it, I’ll drive myself.  If I wreck on the way, oh well. 

I was driving like 20 miles an hour down the street.  The hospital is literally 3 minutes from my house but I felt like it took me 2 hours to get there.  Of course, the ER had a long ass wait when I got there.  I’m in the waiting room about to die.  Something is growing in my stomach and my head feels like someone used it for batting practise.  They said my fever wasn’t extraordinarily high, but I was so hot I could have walked to the hospital naked, and been perfectly fine with that even though it was like 20 degrees last night.

Finally, the doctor calls me back and does all her tests.  I was so delirious and she was asking me all these questions, and I couldn’t even answer her because I felt like she wasn’t speaking English.  She is looking at me like, “Are you going to answer me?” and I’m just like, “Whenever you start speaking English.”  Then she asked me to fill out some forms and I couldn’t even read it.  I told her I couldn’t write and she was like, “You don’t know how to write?”  I was like.. Yeah, I know how to write but I can’t write now because I can’t even read this paper.  It was crazy.  I just had these bizarre sensations. 

I told her my stomach felt like I was about to give birth to Alien vs. Predator.  It was so painful that they gave me morphine.  So, now I see why people want to get high off that shit.  As soon as she injected it into my arm, it went straight to my heart and then everywhere else.  You feel this cooling sensation all over your body in your veins, and then you don’t feel nothing.  I was high as a kite.  She was talking me and I was like, whatever bitch.  I wasn’t sleepy, per se, but more like euphoric.  Jesus could have come to earth and I would have been like, oh well.  I’ll catch Him next time.

After all the tests, she decided I had a real bad case of ‘flu coming on, which is right because my co-worker was really sick last week with ‘flu.  The morphine made the pain in my stomach go away, which she said there was nothing wrong with me to have stomach pain, except maybe I should have a good poop.  I don’t know.  I didn’t feel anything after the morphine.

Then doctor left and the nurse came to take the IV out, but she wouldn’t let me go home.  She asked me how I was getting home and I told her I was driving, and she was like, “Oh, no, you can’t drive.  You just had morphine.”  Whatever.  She wouldn’t give me the discharge papers.  I asked her how long I should stay there and she was like a couple of hours. 

A couple of hours.  Hell no.  It was like 4 o’clock in the morning.  All I could think about was the little bit of ice cream I had left in the freezer and my own bed.  I told her I lived less than 5 minutes from the hospital but she was like, no, you cannot drive.

She left the room and 20 minutes later, I was like.. this hoe is serious, she is not letting me leave.  So I just got up and walked out. The other nurse was like, “Did they give you a discharge paper?”  I told her no.  She told me to wait a minute and she went into the other room and I left.

I was seeing two of everything when I was driving.  It would be just my luck to get pulled over because a cop thinks I am driving drunk.  You can get arrested for driving under the influence of anything that makes you impaired, but I just wanted to be home.  You know my attitude already sucks, and sleeping in someone else’s raggedy hospital gown on an uncomfortable bed with all those crazy ass hospital noises… I’m just not going to be able to do it.

I did get home with no incident and I texted my co-worker and told her I wasn’t coming in.  I ate my ice cream and got in bed.

Morphine sleep is the sleep of princesses.


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