Misadventures of the Village Idiot #7

When my boss left at 12 on Friday, I was out the door right behind him.  He is going to be gone for the next week, so I’m pretty much going to do what I want.  Knock out all this homework, and BS on the internet.  He took the Sag-Bellied Measle with him, so it’s pretty much whatever for the next week.  It’s going to be nice.

Friday
I went to Ascension Friday night because Liebchen was spinning.  I did declare her my new favourite, so I feel compelled to support her by attending whatever night she’s DJing.  I’ve also decided that Steve Archer is good enough for me to dance to.  I danced pretty much the whole night, and for once I thought I was going to make it the whole night without one strange incident.

I was wrong.

At one point some scruffy looking man was staring at me when I was sitting in my usual spot.  I get this a lot.  Usually it’s because I have dried snot on my face or my ass crack is hanging out.  I did a quick check and everything seemed to be in order, so I decided that I must be paranoid and this guy wasn’t staring at me after all.  I got up to dance for a little while, and then I came to sit back down.  I was just sitting there minding my own business.  I didn’t even see him, and then he just materialised behind me and grabbed me on the shoulder.  Needless to say, I jumped out of my skin and then turned on him to unleash my favourite profanities.  Some random guy sitting behind me starting laughing.  I couldn’t figure out what was so funny.  Scruffy McScraggybeard wound up not really saying anything to me except, “Hi.”

Okay, why did you grab my shoulder?  I thought it was pretty rude.  I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me?  I’m beginning to develop a complex like it is everyone’s goal to get me to talk or something. 

At any rate, like I usually do, I just like to observe everything that is going on around me when I am in the club.  I have always been a peopel watcher.  When I was little, my dad used to take me and my sister to the mall and we would sit on the bench and watch people while we had ice cream.  Pretty random, but you learn a lot about the human dynamic by just shutting your mouth for once and observing.  And the mind can take you on a pretty strange trip if you let it run unfettered.

Like, for example, the very young couple that spent half the night sucking each other’s faces.  I’m not really opposed to displays of affection, but some people take it too far.  A display of affection is a nice smooch on the cheek, holding hands, a momentary caress.  A display of affection is not Battle of the Tongues or Grab Ass.  The DJ made a comment about it, but they weren’t the least bit put out and continued slob-swapping for the remainder of the night.  I noticed the X’s on their hands marking them as children, and wondered what sort of sex life they might have.  I know kids start having sex younger and younger these days, but that doesn’t mean they are any good at it.  Is this girl really looking forward to whatever he has to offer?  But she’s young too, so she probably doesn’t have a clue.  At least she can be happy with the fact he’s young enough to go at it again when the first five minutes are up.

Anyway… I stayed out much longer than I normally do.  I try to leave so I can get home by 2am.  Bad things happen when I stay out too late.  But Liebchen honoured me by playing Soylent Green.  The sad part was, I had danced so much that I was too tired to really do it justice.  By the time I got home, I was a zombie.  It was 1:58 when I walked in the door.  I just barely made it.  I turn into sugar ash if I stay out past 2.

Saturday
I had every intention of going to Midnight Saturday night, but I was just so exhausted from staying out all night Friday.  I went shopping, trying to beef up my work warddrobe.  I found a pair of sexxy heels that I could actually walk in.  I don’t really wear heels because I can’t really walk in them and then after my achilles tendon injury, standing in them is terrible.  But these shoes, yeah, I think I can do something in them.  I would like to wear heels to the club but I don’t want to wind up with a broken ankle because I am just clumsy enough for that to happen.

I bought a whole bunch of other crap I don’t really need but I had a good time doing it.  I came home to take a nap for a few hours before I went out, but when 1045 rolled around, I was still tired and then it was raining.  I can’t see well at night and then it’s worse when it’s raining.  And then I hate looking for a parking space in DC.  That pretty much did it for me.  I had 8 hours of Jack McCoy on TiVo so I stayed in with him and played in his legal briefs until 3AM.  I swear to God, he is so hot in the court room.  He can prostitute me anytime… I mean, prosecute.  Prosecute.  Seriously.

Sunday
On Sunday I thought about going to the movies to see Vantage Point but I never got around to doing it.  I did some more shopping.  I went up to Arundel to H&M but couldn’t really find anything.  I did buy a “when I get skinny” dress though.  As far as the weight loss is coming, I was a plateau for a little while.  I am still losing inches but the numbers on the scale are kind of staying the same.  But this week, I did manage to squeeze off 2 pounds.  I’m going to keep at it.  It’s really tough because some days I am so lazy and all I want to do is eat.  But I figured if I could get 20 pounds off already, I can go for the other 20.  I just have to stay focused.  My motivation is haters.  I also keep a picture of celebrity bodies I’m jealous of.  So when I feel like eating a tub of ice cream, I open the fridge and see Beyonce.  I immediately close the fridge.  Works every time.

So, let me tell you how I almost wrecked my car.  I’m driving down US1 minding my own business.  My car is slowly working its way to “E.”  I had been avoiding the gas station because the last time I filled up the gas was 3.05.  Now it’s like 3.22.  So I’m driving or whatever, and I see a gas station that says 2.89.  Do you know that I didn’t even look in the mirror, I just changed lanes to make a left turn against traffic without even looking at how fast the cars were approaching me?

$2.89 gas?  Hell yeah.  After a blare of screeching horns and tires squealing, I realised that the gas station was burnt out.  That shit wasn’t even open.  I guess I should have realised that.  Gas everywhere is 4 dollars and here is a sign that says $2.89.  Either they are selling water for gas or management hasn’t been following the price of light sweet crude.

I wound up filling up the tank about 10 minutes later.  That shit cost $50.94.  Usually, I keep pumping until I get to the next whole dollar.  I couldn’t even do it.  $50.94 is bad enough, but $51?  Hell no.  I’m keeping my six cents, damn it.  According to industry analysts, gas is expecting to reach a national average of $3.48.  In places like California and Hawaii, it is already near the $4.00 mark.  I’ll be damned.  I’m about to get a Pogo Stick and call it a day.  So if you see some jackass hopping down I-95, don’t pay any attention.  You can spend $50 at the pump if you want to, I’ll just have the tightest ass in America from all that hopping.  I bet I’ll lose that next 20 pounds then.

Anyway, I’m about to watch the rest of Howl’s Moving Castle and eat this ice cream.  Yes, I bought some ice cream.  I’ll just run an extra mile tomorrow.

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