Misadventures of the Village Idiot #11

I had a pretty relaxing weekend given that I took half a day on Friday just to get my mind right.  I was glad to see a little sun, even though I prefer gloom and doom.

Friday night I went to Tye Baby’s house for her toy party.  I’m not really into sex toys, but I like to show my face every now and again and support activities.  It’s a good way to stay social, or else I’d become a hermit.  Taariq, Kenera, Leon and some other people were there.  As I was leaving, Adrienne came in.  I did almost buy something but I can’t really see myself using sex toys.  It’s not really my thing.  I was amused by Tye’s friend though.  I don’t know his name.  Apparently he was drunk and after looking through the catalogue he was dismayed to find out that women don’t really need men anymore.  What with the Chocolate Thriller and the Monarch moving at shocking speeds, vibrating and rotating in ways that boys cannot even fathom.  Ha ha.  Men are obsolete.

After leaving her party, I went to Ascension.  They were having a guest DJ and I came at the end of his set, unfortunately.  What I heard of him, though, was pretty good.  Kele-De came on next and I should have danced but for some reason, I didn’t.  Then this weirdo creep kept trying to sit next to me, which is fine, since you know, I don’t own anything, but he kept sitting too close and clearly there were other seats available.  Especially since he was first sitting at the bar.  Whenever I finished dancing and I would sit down again, he would get up and try to sit next to me.  Finally, I just moved.  He smelt like cheap American beer and bad cigarettes.  I hate that wino public bathroom smell.

Saturday I got up to do my usual aerobics and then went grocery shopping.  Is it me, or is everything more expensive?  I buy V8 every week.  It used to be $2.50.  Now it’s $2.94.  What’s up that?  You think you’re doing something when you get a new job and you get a huge pay raise, but then all the prices start creeping up and suddenly that raise doesn’t seem so huge.

Anyway, I came home and laid down on my couch for a little while and got up again to go shopping.  I have been trying to find a lightweight sweater so I can wear some of my skankier dresses to work.  I have all these cute dresses that are sleeveless and backless.  If I had a nice light sweater, I could wear them.  I hate absolutely hate shopping on the weekends, especially after it’s finally warm.  I started out in one of those bargain basement stores.  Every foreign national in America was at this store.  I found a cute skirt there, and I almost gave up on it because I got in line and there was only one person ahead of me.  The clerk was having a flirtation with this guy who was paying for his stuff.  Only, I think she was helping him shoplift.  They were speaking in Spanish, far too rapidly for me to understand, but I did get the general idea.  He was telling her to get something and she would disappear from the register and come back with random items:  men’s pants, a woman’s suit, a piece of luggage.  Then she rang everything up and then did something else.  She took all the stuff and put it on another counter, did something to register and then started bagging all the stuff.  He gave her some money, but not enough to cover all that crap.  It was like two ten-dollar bills.  Then when he was walking away I noticed that the sandals he was wearing still had the tags on it.

I went to Pentagon City mall after that, which was such a bad idea.  I once told someone that I like to shop very early in the morning or late at night, especially if I have to go to Wal-Mart or something.  Where I’m from, stores like that are open 24 hours.  My sister and I used to go to Wal-Mart a 2am.  There aren’t usually any long lines; you just have to deal with the stock people.  But I told this person that I hate crowds, babies and old people.  I especially hate large families.  I don’t like being in public with these people.  I went into Forever 21 to look for my sweater and there were families.  You know, I’m sure this sounds mean and everything but what the fuck is a family doing in a skanky-slut store?  A mom, dad and two kids that were like 8 and 12.  The 8 year old was running around screaming like a lunatic while the mom, who clearly was not fashion forward, was trying to shop.  The dad and 12 year old were looking at accessories while the 8 year old psycho was pulling things off the rack.

You know I don’t have any sense.  If people will not discipline their children, I will.  The kid kept running past me and I was trying to keep my cool.  Finally, after like the millionth time, I stepped in front of him so he couldn’t run and I told him to shut his face or I would shut it for him.  The kid started crying and he ran to his mother.  She gave me a dirty look but the kid wasn’t running around screaming anymore.

It’s like one time I was in the postal office right before Christmas standing in those long ass lines.  If I bring a book or my iPod, I don’t get annoyed with lines during hectic times like that.  I know workers in those positions, their jobs are just so shitty.  They don’t need anything else from anybody.  This lady was standing behind me with her kid who was like 14.  The mom was trying to tell her what she needed to do but the kid was like, “Whatever… whatever..” in that stanky ass attitude that teenagers had.  I could hear her over my music and I got so annoyed that I turned around and said, “You’re going to listen to your mother and stop talking back.”  I said it so loud that everyone in the post office turned to look at me.  The lady was shocked but then said, “Thank you.  Yes, you’re going to listen to me.”  The girl rolled her eyes and I was like, “You don’t roll your eyes at adults.  Use the manners I know your mother taught you.”

This is why I am destined to never have children.  Kia once remarked that my kids would be Stepford Children.  Probably but total strangers wouldn’t be telling them about themselves like I have to every time I’m in public.  I don’t know shit about being a parent, but I think parents should stop trying to be their kids’ friends.  Jack their asses up if they get out of line.

Anyway, I’m off my soapbox now.

I went to work at my part-time job and then headed out to Midnight.  I got free tickets to see Obscenity Trial.  You know, I don’t really do bands.  I just hate the whole atmosphere of band night.  It worked out in my favour though.  While everyone was watching the band I was at the bar ordering dinner.  I never go to the bar and now I remember why.  Once you pass that table that they keep the cake on, it’s like a men’s locker room back there.  The smell is so rank, I can’t believe anybody can stand back there and not gag.  Skanky old beer, heavy liquors, body odour, everything.  Then as I was sitting at the bar waiting on my food, I got to watch this young couple suck each other’s face.  I thought it was amusing because he had just finished eating chili cheese fries.  Call me crazy, but I wouldn’t want to be swapping spit with someone who just ate a plate full of beans.  Raunchy.

So, I guess it’s just me, but I thought Saturday’s date was April 12.  Apparently, someone must have put a memo out that it was October 31.  There was a group of girls there in their Hallowe’en costumes.  One girl was a murdered rabbit.  She had on bunny ears, which she probably got at an after Easter sale at Big Lots, and then she had on this horrid Battle of 1812 nurse’s frock.  I swear to God, this dress was exactly like one of those dresses the Sisters of Mercy wore in hospital back in 1828.  But then her dress had some kind of red pattern on it.  I don’t see well in the dark and my vision far away is pretty terrible so I could not make out the pattern, but to me, it looked like blood splatters.  So I was thinking that somebody tried to killed the Easter bunny.  She was a heavy set girl in bunny ears and a blood splattered Georgian nurse’s uniform.  And all her friends were wearing animal ears, although to their credit they weren’t as horridly dressed as she was.

I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m going to hell.  Suck it up and move on.

Anyway, I left earlier than I wanted.  I had trouble finding parking.  I don’t know my way around DC that well, and I’m scared to venture too far away from the little square around Midnight.  I illegally parked and I was worried about getting towed or booted.  Since I don’t have any friends it would have been a long miserable walk back to P.G. County from D.C.  Phae was DJing anyway, I just … wasn’t … in … the mood.  And she played that song I can’t stand again.  I promised I would hang myself if I heard it, but I wasn’t wearing fishnets.  I went bare-legged, so I didn’t have anything to string myself up.  Sorry to disappoint, guys.  You’re stuck with me for at least another week.  I hear she’s playing again next week, and I’ll make sure to keep a pair of hosiery in my Hot Box just in case.

I didn’t do shit on Sunday.  It was nice.


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