Ten Pounds Later #2: The Devil Teaches Aerobics

OMG.

The gym I go to has two buildings.  One is in a shopping centre near my Tae Kwon Do school and the other is across the street.  I usually go across the street, but I was bored and decided to go to the one in the shopping centre.

I did two classes.  One was cardio kickboxing.  It’s okay, but as a very wise woman once said, “My instructor doesn’t want me doing anything that my derail his teachings.”  Cardio kickboxing is good for cardio workout, but bad for people who actually take martial arts since the cardio class is not really focused on form.  You could develop bad habits from a class like that.

But the second class…. Cross Training.

Sounds so simple.  Sounded like it might be a cardio plus weight training class.  Oh, it was.  But nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

First of all, the instructor was sexxy as hell.  If I was gay, I’d be on that.  In fact, she might turn me gay.  She was older, but her body was bad.  I would say her shoulders were a little too muscled for me, but she was toned, small ass waist, curvy hips, round butt, nice thighs.  I was like… Oh my god, I want my body to look just like that.  She was a white lady but she didn’t look like some skinny ass crack whore.  And she didn’t look like some nasty ass body builder either.

Every woman has felt like this, even women who are very confident in themselves.  Every  now and again you come across a woman who is just so bangin’ that you feel like Fatty McFattypants next to her.  When you see a woman like that, you just want to put a garbage bag over your head and make a quiet exit.  Don’t even lie.  I have serious confidence in myself and I don’t hate on others who got it going on, but I have come across a few women that I’m like… goddamn!  This lady was one of them.  I’m sure even Beyonce has come across another woman who is just so on point that she is like… wait a minute.   I bet when this lady puts on her regular clothes she is a bad bitch.  But you can’t let that intimidate you.  You should let that motivate you.

I swear to you, in a year I am gonna be a bad bitch just like that.  I am not even playing.

But just as I was enamoured of her and jealous of her body, there is no time for that in her class.  She turned her music on and we just got to jumping.  The first twenty-five minutes was this crazy ass step-cardio high intensity routine.  You know I’m unco-ordinated and I was jumping all over the place like Cat On a Hot Tin Roof.  It doesn’t matter if you can’t do the moves, you just have to keep moving.  Burn calories.  In those 25 minutes I burned every calorie I have ever consumed in my entire life.

Part two:  weight training.

She did mega-sets.

Some people when they go to the gym, they pick an exercise.  We’ll see bicep curls.  They will do 3 sets of 15 each.  In between each set, you’ll take a 30 second break or whatever and do your next set and go on down the line until you get to your next exercise.  Not this lady.  We did 3 sets of every exercise, but every exercise was back-to-back-to-back-to-back.  No break.  She demanded that you pick the heaviest you could carry without hurting yourself.

Then if she caught you resting or getting sloppy she would call you out.  After 3 sets of chest presses, my chest was fried.  Then she wanted to do push-ups.  I can do push-ups.  But after chest presses, I don’t think so.  Then she wanted to do elevated push-ups.  I tried.  I did like two.  And then I got down on the floor and she was like, “Excuse me… You!  Lady in the back.  Did you come here by yourself?”

I was like.. yeah.

She said, “Oh, brave, brave girl.  But I want to see you do them elevated.  Get up on the step!”

I’m like… uhm, am I in basic training again?

Anybody she saw doing the exercise wrong, she was on their ass.  Anybody that was lazy, she was on their ass.  Anybody had too light of weights, she was on their ass.  See, most instructors, they don’t really care.  They are getting paid whether you get results or not.  In fact, they don’t even want you to get results because if you lose the weight you want, you won’t come back.

This lady was like, I don’t give a damn, you will work in this class.  She had us in there working like Hebrews.  I knew two girls in the class from my step class and they both said, “This class is hard.”  They weren’t even lying.

I think I worked more in that hour and a half than I ever have in my whole life put together, basic training included.  I had to leave early because it was getting late, but I will be back.

And that’s just the thing.  I am so motivated right now, you wouldn’t even believe.  I was on the phone with Ceciley just now and we were talking about our goals.  Ceciley is already thin.  I’m not.  And it’s not just about me being thin.  It’s about me having the bangin’est body I can get.

I don’t want to die when I’m 40.

I don’t want to have any hip, knee, etc replacements.

I don’t want to be in no wheel chair when I’m 50.

I want to be able to save my life if I should ever need to.

But I also have some very selfish goals.

I want to look better at 30 than I did at 17.

Whenever I run into an old boyfriend or the skanky hoe that he ditched me for, I want her to be like, “Goddamn, she looks good as hell,” and I want him to be like, “I should have never left her,” so I can be like, “You can’t even look at me.  Go back to the fat sloppy hoe you left me for.”

I want them to eat their hearts out.

I want every person that ever hated on me to have yet another reason to hate.

I want every person that cannot stand me to have yet another reason to just really dislike me.

I just want to be that chick.

I told Ceciley that I have brains, beauty and power.  I just need the body to pull it all together.  I’m already stuck up; I just need the total package to really be on myself.

Tiffany, that’s the instructor, is the devil and her class is called Hell.  I will be there every Tuesday and Thursday at 700 and she is going to help me achieve my results.

I would like to be 10 pounds lighter by the end of summer and have some serious muscle toning going on in my arms.  I need this flabbiness to go bye-bye!

I promise you.  There are 15 days until my birthday and there are 380 days until my next birthday.  I am planning on having a huge party to celebrate the milestone.  I will look the best I ever have in my entire life.  When I was 17, I was skinny but not toned and attractive.  When I’m 30, I’m just gonna be like whoa.  I have 380 days to achieve this.

There’s gonna be ups and downs.  There’s gonna be late night ice cream binges and egg foo young crazes.  There’s gonna be whole weeks where I don’t even look at a weight.  There’s gonna be mad excuses.  There’s gonna be a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears.

But I promise you in 380 days I will be 130 pounds with a flat tummy, well-toned arms, a sexxy ass, and thighs that just make you wanna slap yourself.

I’m not even playing.

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