The Much Awaited Commentary
Unfortunately, my pal Ceciley was not able to come, but she has appointed me the ghetto version of Perez Hilton. I will try my best to live up to that exalted name. : )
A good sized crowd turned out for the Black & White Affair hosted by a trio of TSA’s finest: Carnaj, Kareem and Rashad. I must say that it was a pseudo-glamorous even, with everyone draped in black and white. I saw everything from fabulous cocktail dresses to baby tees and shorts to Ms A’s outrageous mini-frock (we’ll talk about that in a minute.)
The further away my date of departure becomes, the less I recognise people from the TSA set, but I will endeavour to at least list the most important. Of course, Leon, Jonathan and Rashad were present, but also Taariq and his girlfriend, Ayanna B (New York’s native son), Ms. A and her breasts, Tiffany R and her breasts, too, Tiffany M, Lanae, Percy, Tika, Shanny, Ti, Queen Gretchen, Layanna, Jade, Kay and Co., Qiana, Shelly Shellz, Almond Joy, Steve, Shawn, the other Shaun, Melvin and his constantly drunk friend, Tika, Thurman, Natasha, Gloria, Ramon, Lillie and her niece, Abia and his friend Tizita (who was hot as hell), even Harry came all the way up from Miami, and that whole bevy of scurrilous strumpets from the morning shift that I have always deplored. There were a shit ton of other people there, people I am forgetting, people that I know by face but not by name. I’m getting dotty in my old age. You’ll get over it.
The Best Dressed List
I have to open it was Ms. A’s out of line outfit. She gets a gold star because it takes a special girl to be this outrageous. Ms. A came out in all her Nutrisystem glory. Breasts up to her chin compliments of a corset cinched so tight, I’m not sure she was able to draw breath the entire evening. But that’s not even the piece de resistance. Let’s talk about that flimsy, fluffy, foofy skirt of hers. Can we say French maid gone bad? It barely covered her cheeks. All she needs now is a feather duster and a whip. (Mistress Mandy thinks you’ve been a bad boy). Oooh, get’em girl!
Speaking of breasts, Tiffany R and her white corset. Taking a page from Ms A’s book, she cinched her corset to maximum boobage exploitation. Out of control.
Next, New York’s native son was dressed to impressed in a skin tight white lycra set offset with a wide black belt to emphasise those raw Jamaican curves. She has the body to pull it off and certainly she’s got the moves. Ayanna’s slow wind was killin’em. Ya’ll only wish you could move like that.
Almond Joy was classy in a black cocktail dress, short enough to show off well-toned gams ending in a set of ferocious heels. It’s hard to be a diamond among coals, and sometimes your efforts go unappreciated. It’s okay. They ain’t ready for all that.
Honourable mentions go to Tizi in that painted on white dress and Shanny for having the best ass in the whole party.
Now, that covers the ladies, what about the men? Girls always outshine the boys, but Harry the Pimp wasn’t too shabby. Abia and his mobster hat was all right too. All the other guys, though, you might have to try a little harder next time. But that’s okay, cuz they sell fresh T’s at Wal-Mart for $4.99.
As for everything else, Carnaj knows how to keep a party going with a good mix of hip hop, dirty south, club music, reggae and those oldies but goodies that brought Percy, Lord of the Black Riverdance to his feet. I think Tiffany M danced the entire night. If she didn’t lose 20 pounds from those wild exertions, she might need to see her doctor.
Then there was the guy who appeared to be having an epileptic seizure. Should I have called 911 and stuck a spoon between his teeth, or should I just let him jerk about in agony? For a minute, I thought he might have caught the Holy Ghost. He was really feeling himself. Every song that came on was “his” sng. He was the guy swinging his shirt around over his head like a helicopter.
We had a for real low rider in the house. That girl knocked that boy to the floor and humped him like Free Your Willy. That’s a girl who knows what she wants.
And don’t pretend you didn’t see Tiffany R bouncing up on some boy. Yeah, let me find out.
Tika, it’s important that you do not exceed the maximum allotment of alcholic beverages. Not only did you dance hard the entire night, but you managed to do it with a cup in your hand and not spill even one drop. Amazing. My hat goes off to you.
Kay, I have now discovered that you can be controlled by club music. All I have to do is put on some fast-bumping beat and you will be my minion. I’m only kidding, boo, but I’m glad my “Pitbull” partner was there to Shake, Shake, Shake it with me.
Melvin, the next time you bring your friend to an event, I demand that he be sober for at least 15 minutes. I have met this guy several times, day and night, and he has never been sober. What are you feeding him? I’m not sure it’s natural to be perpetually drunk like that.
Tiffany R., titties as big as yours are not meant to be bounced around like basketballs. I’m going to need you to restrain them if you are going to be hoppin up in men’s laps. I’m surprised you didn’t blacken that boy’s eyes.
Ms. A, you’re out of control, and that’s all I have to say about that.
Ayanna B., please don’t hurt’em. You know they not ready for all that.
Abia, your friend Tizi is fine as hell. If I had a body like that, it would be all over.
Tiffany M., if you recorded your dance moves and marketed them as a work out tape, women across America would be in the best shape of their lives. Go ‘head girl, you let your inhibitions go and do what you wanna do. That’s the way to live.
Percy, you have been renamed Michael Flatley, Lord of the Black Riverdance. Can’t no Irish stepper do what you do.
Shawn, I just wanted to let you know that you are not a pimp.
You, yeah, you know who you are, you are so lucky I don’t believe in violence. They would have found you in the parking lot.
Michelle, did you find your phone?
Lanae, Hi. Mmm…. That’s cuz I couldn’t think of anything witty to say.
By the end of the night girls had sweated out their perms, switched from stilettos to flip-flops and took off their clothes (Qiana). I would have to agree that everyone had a great time. We can’t wait for the next event. I demand that the colours be pink and black.
Until then, your local princess has nothing else to say.
As usual, you can have copies of the pictures. Send your email and you will get all the pictures. Delete what you don’t want. Better yet, exploit it on myspace.