Daily News June 5

Who Moved My Jesus
In Detroit, Michigan, thieves stole an 8 foot Jesus from a crucifix at a church hoping to sell it for scrap.  They thought the replica of Jesus was made from copper, but instead He was made of plastic. 

The reverend of the church said it was easy to mistake the 8 foot Jesus for copper because He was slightly green, but when you touch it, you know that Jesus is made of plastic, not copper.  He also said that the thieves have been ripping off copper plumbing and other materials made of copper. 

The price of scrap metal has soared significantly and people are just trying to make a couple extra bucks.

So…. stealing an 8 foot Jesus is the way to do it?  This is just wrong on so many levels.  How do you go up to a church, look Jesus in the face and then pry Him off His cross to melt Him down for scrap metal?  But then this Jesus was not copper, He was plastic.  So, now you have an 8 foot plastic Jesus somewhere.  What the hell did they do with it when they discovered Jesus was plastic?  Did they just throw Him away?

I’m sure way up in heaven God doesn’t even know how to punish these morons.  Robbing a church is just… sad.  Stealing a Jesus is worse.  An 8 foot Jesus is hysterical.  An 8 foot plastic Jesus is over the top. 

I want to know how it all went down.  Did they just walk down the street with an 8 foot Jesus?

I cannot stop laughing.

Internet Service Providers Thinking of New Ways to Rape You
So, after we get screwed by gas prices and airfare and all the extra fees and charges that are slapped on us daily, our internet service provider will be joining in the gang rape.

Time Warner/Comcast, the arbiter of evil, is in the process of coming up with a way to charge heavy internet users.  This comes after Time Warner/Comcast was beat up for trying to control where internet users go on the internet.  They previously tried to block such file sharing sites as BitTorrent.  Then they deliberately slowed down the speed of broadband for internet users that utilise BitTorrent.

Now, they will charge an extra fee for people who download a lot, use the internet too much or are heavy users in other capacities.  They say this is fair because they shouldn’t charge people who only use the internet a little bit.  They say that people who clog up the frequencies (or whatever) with their heavy downloading should have to pay a premium.

Time Warner/Comcast is a piece of shit company anyway.  They have a virtual monopoly in most markets.  You think you are getting a choice because of Roadrunner but if you do your homework, they also own Roadrunner. 

They are just looking to make an extra dollar off the economically depressed people in this country just like everybody else.  Time Warner really has no right to charge me extra for the same internet.  How will they determine how much is too much?  They shouldn’t be monitoring my usage in the first place.  They also shouldn’t be trying to “slown down” my connection if I go to certain websites.  It really is none of their business where I’m going or what I’m downloading.  The issues with downloading should be between an individual and the other party who feels their copyrights have been infringed. 

The government has not taken a stance on this quite yet, but some officials say this should be illegal because it will restrict the internet when it shouldn’t be restricted. 

Last Call For Hummer
It is looking like last call for the gas guzzling, socially  inept Hummer.  The company that owns Hummer is contemplating putting the monstrosity up for sale, citing very weak sales because of exorbitant gas prices.

When the Hummer was first invented it was for military use until Arnold Schwarzenegger (or however the hell you spell his name) begged for a civilian version to be created. 

In 2006 approximately 70000 Hummers were sold.  So far in 2008 only 3500 of the abominations have been sold.  The smallest version of the Hummer, the H2 costs about $57000, and at $4 a gallon it takes $128 to fill that bitch up.  It takes premium gas and we already know that premium gas is well over the four dollar mark.  It also only gets about 15 miles to the gallon, so you will be at the gas station getting anally raped every 4 days.

Even though Hummer is not officially up for sale, no one has cited any interest in purchasing the division.

I was on CNN iReport yesterday.  The topic was “You still have your SUV?”  iReport is this thing that everyday people can get on and respond to the topic at hand.  Most people who stated they still have their SUV cited such reasons as 1.  having to haul large trailers and/or boats; 2. having a family the size of the Brady Bunch; and 3. living in places that require four wheel drive.

One guy said he was keeping his SUV because he fought for the right to drive it.  I’m assuming he went to Iraq, or some such.  Another guy said he keeps it because it’s a chick magnet.  There were a couple of other guys who said they were keeping it because they wanted to and they didn’t give a damn, but amusingly they all said they had motorcyles and/or other cars they drove regularly.

If you are so proud of your gas-guzzling piece of crap, you should be driving that bitch daily.  If you’re so proud, take your dumb ass to the gas station and smile widely while pouring more than $100 into the tank.  If you’re so proud, you wouldn’t have that small car/motorocyle on the side.  Jackasses.

And for the guy that said his SUV is a chick magnet, he must be attracting some dumb ass hoes.  Once upon a time I did think that SUVs were the shit.  I especially like ones that are tricked out with flashy rims.  Now when I see those things, I just laugh.  I wouldn’t even talk to a guy who drove some crap like that.  The way I figure, he’ll be spending all his disposable income on gas instead of spending on me.  I don’t want to date some guy that’s like, “Sorry, babe, we can only go to McDonald’s tonight because I have to fill up my tank tomorrow,” or “Yeah, we can’t go down to DC because it costs too much in gas.  But we can hang out in Odenton.”  No, wrong answer.


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