Daily News July 15

Bob Wehadababyitsatumour

An overweight woman in Oregon tried every thing under the sun to lose weight.  She did crack diets, took diet pills, did every type of exercise she could possibly think of, but she was never able to lose weight.  She kept going to her doctor and telling him, “I’ve tried everything.  Why can’t I lose a single pound?”  The doctor would tell her that she wasn’t trying hard enough and she would go back home and try her hardest at some new diet and exercise plan.  Finally her doctor suggested a surgery to lose weight loss, the lap band.  They put this band around your stomach to reduce your appetite and the ability to hold a lot of food in the stomach.  The woman did not want to have surgery, so she decided, “Fuck this, I’m going to another doctor.”

When she went to another doctor to get a second opinion, that doctor found out she had a 140 pound tumour in her stomach.  ONE-HUNDRED FORTY POUNDS.  The tumour had been growing about 15-20 years.  He told her that she could die a slow death by leaving the tumour in her stomach or she could have a surgery that had a 20 per cent survival rate.  It was like damned if you do, damned if you don’t.  The woman opted to have the surgery because she didn’t want to die at home where her kids might find her.

It took 3 surgeries over the period of two months to remove the gigantic tumour.  The doctors also had to remove both her kidneys in order to fully remove the cancer.  They were able to put one kidney back but the other kidney was so fucked up they couldn’t do anything with it.

The woman is glad she went for a second opinion because she had been frustrated from trying all those different diet and exercise plans to lose weight and she couldn’t even lose one pound.  The doctors said it is likely the cancer will come back but they will be able to do something about it and prolong her life.  She is now able to have a normal life.

Okay, really.  Imagine being fat and trying desperately to lose weight and even starvation didn’t do it.  Then you go to the doctor and they tell you that you have 140 pounds of cancer in your stomach.  What would you do?  I’d freak out.  Then they say, “Well, you can A. leave it in there and die slowly, or you can B. have this surgery and you’ll probably die in surgery.  Which one do you want?”  Uhm.  Is there a third option?  I’m glad this woman was able to figure out what the hell was wrong with her before she just mysteriously keeled over and died.

But the real problem is the first doctor.  Did he not do any tests on her to see why she wasn’t losing weight?  Most people do lose weight when they try crack diets.  They usually gain it back, but they still lose something.  So this woman wasn’t losing a single pound.  No matter what she did, she stayed the same weight, and this doctor never though to check her for thyroid problems or anything else?  Did he ever do any blood work on her?  I mean, seriously, that shit was growing in her stomach for 15 years and he never realized the bitch had cancer?  I would sue.

Hit’n’Run Grannies
Two old ass women, aged 75 and 77, were sentenced to life in prison after they were convicted of murder charges.  These two women would go out and find homeless men and tell them they wanted to be friends.  So the old women and the homeless men would be hanging out all cool-like, and then somehow the old women would take out insurance policies on the homeless men’s lives.

After that, the homeless would die in mysterious hit’n’run car crashes.  The two women were convicted of murdering two different homeless men in this fashion.  The scam was so big that these women managed to collect $2.8 million in life insurance money.  The authorities are not sure what other homeless men may have fallen prey to their scheme.  They do know that the women had taken out 23 different life insurance policies.

Wow.  What’s up with these grandmas committing capital crimes?  The other grandma who killed all her husbands and her son for money and now these two old ass women killing homeless men for life insurance money.  It’s not funny because people actually died, but then it is funny because… they are like 75 years old scamming homeless guys.  You would think that there’s nothing you could really get from a homeless man, but these two women were smart enough to think “life insurance.”  Set these guys up, get them to thinking that someone actually cares and then… run them over in a dark ass alley.

But seriously, if you’re 75 years old what the fuck are you going to do with $2.8 million?  You better get to spending because the average life expectancy of an American woman is 80.  You got five more years, honey.  The two women were sentenced to two life without parole sentences.  They will die in prison.  Whoa.

Sight For Sore Eyes
Rave kids at a concert in Russia got more than they bargained for when they attended an outdoor rave concert with a laser light show.  Because of rain, organisers of the concert decided to put up a tent so the party goers wouldn’t get wet.

The only problem with that is you can’t shoot laser lights at a solid object.  The lasers just reflect back towards the ground where the people were.  Eighty of the rave kids were temporarily or permanently blinded by the laser light show.  Kids began reporting numbness, fogginess, or blackness in their eyes and eventually they were sent to area hospitals.

Doctors say that most kids will be able to have a full recovery but the process is extremely painful and involves many needles going into the eye.  The kids say they will sue the organisers for their incompetence. 

As a former kandi kid, I know that you cannot have real lasers shooting into solid objects, even tent fabric.  There is nowhere for the beam of light to go.  I used to go to raves all the time when I lived in Arizona.  When they had laser light shows, most of us knew to wear really dark sunglasses if the shows were indoors, and most raves out west are in abandoned warehouses or some field somewhere.  The organisers of this event were morons but so were the kids.  Why are you staring directly at a laser?  I mean, did they think with every ticket purchased they were getting free Lasik surgery?

But you know, most rave kids are on E and they are rolling and they don’t know what the fuck is going on around them until they run out of Vicks Vaporub.  I don’t know what was going on in Russia, but I do know that I wouldn’t want some third world Bolshevik doctor sticking needles in my eye.  You better sue so you can get some money so you can come to America… America, wanna come to America?

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