Misadventures of the Village Idiot #17

I haven’t talked about my weekend in a while.  First, I was gone on military duty and then I was out of town.  I guess I have to get back to the grind.  One of my readers informed me that I haven’t updated my page in weeks and they were getting antsy for new material.  Fine, then.  I can’t take a break every now and again?  Haha.  Just kidding.

Okay, seriously.

Friday
Friday, I went out to dinner with Whitaker and Garcia and my cousin.  Oh, just to mention for anyone who didn’t know, I have my soon to be 11-year old cousin, Erique up here with me for the summer.  We all went for sushi at Sushi King.  We had a good time, all of us hanging out together, but I think the general consensus was that we did not really care for the food.  I found it to be outrageously priced, quite frankly.  The menu was very traditional, but the portions were meager. 

Erique enjoyed himself because he really doesn’t get a chance to go for sushi when he’s home.  Actually, he’s never been for sushi except for the times I’ve taken him.  I think he’s developed a taste for it.  Next time, I’ll have to take him some place else that has more variety.

Saturday
Saturday, I tried to go in for some part time work but I didn’t realize that my badge was expired.  Erique and I rode all the way to DC on the Metro.  He had never been on a train before, and he liked the ride but it said it was too long.  Kids never have any patience for anything.  We were both rather annoyed to get all the way out there only to realize that we could not get inside my office.  Instead, I showed him around the building.  Since he is a boy, naturally, he got a kick out of all the guns on display.  I showed him the navy ships, and next time I said I’d take him over to the Air Force side so he could see airplanes.

We went back home, but the ride home seemed a lot faster than the ride out there.  I took a nap and we had dinner at the Chinese buffet across the street that just opened up.  It was way better than that nasty place me and Whitaker went to a couple of weeks ago.  The kid’s table manners are improving but he still eats like he is some barbarian mongrel.  At least I got him to stop hording the table like someone is going to steal it from beneath him.

I went to the club Saturday night.  I only stayed out for a little while because I didn’t want him in the house all night long by himself.  But this parenting business is for the birds and I am a selfish individual.  I told someone a long time ago that I didn’t want kids because I am too much into myself.  I can’t play mommy all week long and all weekend and not have a life.  That is why all those women are going crazy, i.e. Andrea Yates.  At any rate, I did have a good time at the club because Liebchen was spinning and I always like her set.  Cheetah Dave was good too, but I could only stay a little while. 

I was harassed by some African man.  Ugh.  He was like, “Can I buy you a drink?”  No.  “Do you want to dance?”  No.  “Do you come here a lot?”  Yeah.  “The music is very loud.”  Well, I mean, this isn’t a rest home. 

Sunday
Sunday, I had to go to drill but it’s like this split training thing and it was Family Day.  Erique liked it because they had a moon bounce and a park and other little kids he could play with.  The highlight of the whole event was a certain sergeant’s skanky au pair.  I’m not sure I ever mentioned this sergeant before, but I won’t say his name.  I’ll only tell you that he makes vulgar sexual comments, but he does it in a sneaky way that you’re like, “Hmm, did he just say that?” but then you’re like, “Maybe not.”

So he has an au pair for his two small children and he brought this floozy to the Family Day picnic.  This girl looks like she is about 17 years old, and when we were in line to sign in, she looked like she was drunk or high.  She was standing in the corner, holding her head with this woozy expression.

But what does one wear to a family outing?  I don’t know, but I do know that you shouldn’t show up in a skin tight, low-cut, nylon stripper mini dress with some platform velvet heels.  At a park.  Velvet heels.  Come on now.  She looked like she should be at Norma Jean’s, not at a park with some kids.  And she didn’t look like somebody’s nanny, she looked like a Russian mail-order bride.

She is out there prancing around in that skanky little dress with these kids.  They go to get on this mini merry-go-round.  It’s the type that is very small and you stand on the platform and spin the wheel yourself.  Why did she get up on that, with her legs wrapped around the pole and then squat down, IN HER DRESS, and spin around like she was on the pole at the Platinum Club?  Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy.

Then all the guys were down her dress.  It was low cut.  She did have smaller breasts, not some gargantuan knockers, but still, the dress was too low cut to be laying around on the ground acting like you are reading a book to a little boy.  All the men were staring down her dress.

I guess later on someone said something to her, because she came back out in this long flowing sundress with some flats on.  Why couldn’t you wear that in the first place instead of making a spectacle of yourself like some drunken cheap Marilyn Monroe?

People have no sense of propriety.  Even Erique was like, “You can see up her dress.”  Come on now.  Skanky.

And then the sergeant had the nerve to wear these… shorts.  How can I describe?  I can’t think of the name of the material, but it’s like that clingy material, the type that fat women should not wear because it reveals every lump and bulge.  He was wearing shorts out of that material and they were kind of too tight for him and they were high up on his ass so they could cup his nut-sack real tight. 

Yeah, do you really think someone wants to look at your balls?  No.  It was all very outrageous when everyone else was nicely dressed in jean shorts, sundresses and other appropriate outdoor attire.

After that spectacle, Garcia, Whitaker and I went out to Applebee’s.  They served up hot dogs and hamburgers at the picnic, neither of which I eat, so I had to have something for dinner.  We had a nice girly chat.  I like hanging out with them because they are normal, not fiends.

And the rest of the weekend was just me and Erique laying around the house.  Relaxing.

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