Daily News July 24

What’s In a Name?
A judge in New Zealand has agreed to allow a 9 year old girl to become a ward of the court so that she can legally change her name.  For some strange reason, the girl’s parents named her Talula Does the Hula in Hawaii, or something to that effect.  The girl is pretty much humiliated at her parents’ audacity to name her something so ridiculous.  She doesn’t tell anybody her real name, just tells her friends to call her “K.”

The judge pretty much said it was an abomination to subject a child to such an embarrassment.  Kids who have fucked up names like this have insurmountable social obstacles and usually wind up fucked in the head.  Other names the New Zealand registry has come across:  twins named Benson and Hedges (a brand of cigarettes), Violence and Bus Shelter Number 16. 

Other weird names have been attempted but were banned, including Sex Fruit, Fish and Chips, and Yeah Detroit.

In the United States there is a man:  First name:  In God, last name: We Trust.  He lives in Illinois.  That’s actually kind of blasphemous.

Okay, as a girl who hates her own name, I guess you have to look at it like when you think you have it bad someone else has it worse.  Talula Does the Hula in Hawaii.  If my parents named me such an abomination, I’d probably turn into a psycho and pull a Menendez on them.  Or… because of my perverse nature, I’d actually tout the name and dare anybody to make fun of me or say anything about it.  I’d be like, “Yeah, my name is Talula Does the Hula in Hawaii Jenkins, so what?”

But seriously, parents should really think about what they are doing to their kids when they come up with such stupid names.  If you like the name, sure, fine.  Let it be their nickname, something you call them around the house or some embarrassing family joke.  But don’t make it their legal name, and they actually have to go around introducing themselves in such foolishness.  This kid is 9 years old and she had to pretty much grow up enough to find a lawyer and figure out how to get a new name because her parents are probably drunken hippies.

Even “regular” names can be embarrassing for a kid.  If the initials spell out something weird like don’t name your kid Samantha Elizabeth Xavier.  Who wants SEX for initials when they are 11 years old?  Or Amber Shawna Smith:  ASS.  Other kids are cruel and some kids are very sensitive.  A few years of humiliation in high school can turn into thousands of dollars of therapy in adulthood.  But think of it as protection, parents.  If you fuck up your kid now, they will in turn, thank you by murdering you in your sleep.  Pleasant dreams!

Great Balls of Fire
Two men have been arrested after they set their friend’s crotch on fire.  The friend fell asleep after a night of drinking and the other two thought it would be funny to pour alcohol on his balls and then set him on fire.  The man suffered burns to his balls and was taken to the hospital.

His “friends” were on probation and now are being returned to jail for at least two years.

With friends like that who needs enemies!  This is exactly why I do not drink.  All my friends around me get drunk and if there is no one sober to pay attention to things like this, I can wind up with one of my wigs on fire or something.  It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle.

Cats and More Cats
A woman in Omaha has been arrested after allegedly attempting to steal cat food.  The police complained that she smelled of cat urine and after searching her home they found more than 100 cats, a raccoon and a rabbit in her house.  Local laws prohibit that many cats in the house at one time.

The police say that a few of the cats were dead or gravely ill, and the floor was covered in feces. 

Okay, yes, save the animals and all that rubbish, but seriously, 100 cats?  Excuse me, 117 cats.  Some were even dead and or perilously sick.  If she was worried about their welfare, why didn’t she take them to a shelter or try to give them away.  I know a person would be hard-pressed to find a hundred people to take the cats off her hands, but this is just overboard.  Then she smelled like cat piss, so you know that house must have been rockin’! 

Oooh, and it’s been hot too, the past couple of days?  Cat shit and cat piss and dead cats.  Mmmm.  Yummy.

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