Daily News July 31

Gas At a Steal
A drunken San Jose man tried to break into a small airport and steal jet fuel so he could fill up his car.  Apparently, the man was so drunk that he didn’t realize that he would not be getting a deal by using jet fuel for his car.  The fuel is accessible only by credit card and it costs $5.97 a gallon.

Police arrived on the scene and arrested the man for drinking and driving and attempted theft.

See!  See, why I say that drinking is no good for you.  He is lucky the cops arrested him in time, or he would have been quite pissed to see his credit card bill when the statement arrived.  Most of us are feeling a little homeless every time we fill up our gas tanks.  Around my neighbourhood gas is about $3.79 a gallon, as opposed to the $4.09 it was about 3 weeks ago.  But $5.97?  Yeah, I don’t think so.  Just for shits’n’giggles….My car has a 17 gallon tank.  It would cost $101.49 to fill it up if I used jet fuel.  Then added to the fact that my cheap ass Hyundai would probably be permanently fucked up and I would have to pay for some repairs.  Yeah… you should put the bottle down, man.  Just put it down and walk away.

Occupied Bathroom
As a Delta Airlines flight was making its final approach into Atlanta, flight attendants realized that the bathroom was still occupied.  When a plane is landing or taking off, passengers are supposed to remain seated with their safety belts fastened.  Generally, no one is allowed to be up walking around the cabin or in the bathroom just in case the plane has some difficulties or encounters turbulence.

After knocking on the door several times to no response, the flight attendants waited until the plane had landed and opened the door to find a dead woman in the bathroom.  They have absolutely no idea how long she had been in there.  At this time there is no report on what caused her death, who she is or where she came from. 

So, I’m reading this to understand they have no idea how long she’s been dead in the bathroom.  What if she died on the previous flight and they’ve been flying around America with a dead person in the bathroom all this time?  A lot of times, planes continue to fly all day and night even though the crew and pilot have switched several times.  Who even knows how long this lady has been in there.

It’s kind of crazy that any flight attendant would not notice a bathroom being occupied for an extended period of time, especially if other passengers are getting up to go to the bathroom but constantly find it occupied.  The plane must have been large enough to accommodate more than one bathroom.  Sometimes there is only one in coach and one in business/first class.

I guess it would suck to die coming from or going on vacation.  Or maybe she was on a business trip.  That’s even worse.

Buy One, Get One Free
A car dealership in Florida is offering a free fuel-efficient car if you buy a big gas-guzzling SUV.  Now that gas prices have soared out of control, all the morons who like to tool around in huge SUVs find they can no longer afford to be an idiot and want to switch to smaller, more fuel-efficient cars.  The problem is that selling your old SUV has become quite a nuisance.  No one wants those things anymore.

Used car dealerships who find themselves with a surplus of SUVs are thinking of new ways to get rid of them.  They might be losing money on the buy one get one free offer, but they are losing less money than if they just let the SUV sit on the lot with no potential buyers.

If you think drivers aren’t getting smart, here’s an interesting fact:  Sales of new Hummers were down SIXTY (60) per cent in May.  The classic icon of the idle and wasteful rich is no longer appealing, except to the super wealthy who still feel like they have something to prove.  With gas prices so high, flossin’ is no longer feasible or even cute.  I don’t know about you, but I get a good laugh every time I see some jackass at the gas station paying more than $100 to fill up. 

And I would never date a guy who drove such a monstrosity because the more he is spending on gas, the less he is spending on me.

At any rate, so if you’re in the market for a new car, and you really, really need an SUV, maybe you should take a trip down to Florida.  Maybe you’re in construction, maybe you have a shit-ton of kids, maybe you always have to tow shit.  That SUV will come in handy, but when you need to run errands or just need to flit about town, the fuel efficient FREE car is just the thing. 

If you’re smart, you could buy the SUV and fuel efficient car, and then turn around and sell the bitch.  It’s hard to unload those things, but if you catch up with some construction worker, or a wealthy guy who doesn’t mind forking over a couple hundred every other weekend or maybe some farmer in Iowa, you might be able to make out pretty well.

Or sell the fuel efficient car!  That’ll help lower the cost of the SUV you just bought, or use the proceeds from the small car to fund your gas purchases for the next month (cuz that’s how far it’ll probably get you these days).

If you live in Missouri, supposedly there is a car dealership offering a gas card or a free handgun with the purchase of an SUV.  Ironically, most people took the handgun.

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