Daily News August 1

Fat Cat
A 44 pound cat was found wandering around New Jersey.  A beautiful white cat, that was apparently well-taken care of and overfed was just hanging out and about when someone spotted her.  She was taken to a pound, and if someone doesn’t claim her by Saturday she will be put up for adoption.

Although the cat is 44 pounds, she is not the largest ever.  A 46 pound cat lived in Australia until it died in the 80s.  Guinness Book of World Records used to track fat cats, but they pulled the category because they didn’t want people purposely trying to fatten their cats to break a record.

The cat, whose new name is now Princess Chunk, will be put on a diet once it is eligible for adoption.

That is a big ass cat.  Forty-four pounds of furry fury!  My thing is how do you lose such a monstrous cat?  It’s about as big as a damn dog.  Most cats are indoors, and my guess is that a cat this large would also be an indoor cat, so you’re just wandering around the house and you never notice that your mega cat is gone?

Death By Texting
Doctors are warning patients to be careful while they are texting.  Texting has become quite popular in recent years, an easy way to send messages to your friends without even really having a phone conversation.  According to a wireless association, 363 BILLION text messages were sent last year, most of them sent by people who were texting and doing something else at the same time.

Doctors report patients coming to see them after twisting an ankle, because they were texting and walking at the same time and stepped off the curb the wrong way.  In Texas a popular tourist trap, tourists were getting into accidents on Segways because they were texting on the Segway at the same time.

One girl seriously injured herself because she was texting while horseback riding.  Another girl gave herself third degree burns because she was texting her boyfriend while cooking Oodles of Noodles.  One man was killed because he was texting while walking across the street and he stepped into oncoming traffick.  Another woman was run over by a dump truck because she was standing in the middle of the street, apparently she thought she was on the sidewalk, while texting.

I used to be a serious texter, but I have slacked off because I use chirp more than anything, and my building doesn’t allow cell phones.  But when I was a fierce texter, I could pretty much text anywhere.  Remember when phones were still allowed on the checkpoint?  I could watch the x-ray and text while the phone was in my pocket and never once look down at the phone. 

I also text while driving, which is quite dangerous.  A number of people have been killed by texting drivers.  That’s actually quite sad, and people always overestimate their own abilities.  I am glad to say that I have never injured anyone, or myself while texting and doing something else. 

Money, Oil and More Money
ExxonMobil reported a net income of $11.68 BILLION this quarter.  The company made $138 BILLION in the past 3 months, and after fees, expenses and other bullshit it comes out on top with $11.68 billion to spare.  Ironically, the amount is short of Wall Street expectations of $12.1 billion, but who’s quibbling over a few billion dollars?

At that amount, it equates to $1500 per SECOND.

Fifteen-hundred (1500) dollars per second. 

That’s Fifteen-hundred dollars now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  Now.  FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS RIGHT NOW!

I wish life could be so sweet that I made $1500 every time I took a breath.

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