Daily News August 2

Gas Rage
Road rage.  Airport rage.  Postal Workers’ Syndrome.  All these types of inner rages that make people go crazy.  And now there is gas rage. 

Think about it:  you’re sitting on ‘E,’ and you pull in to the nearest ExxonMobil, get out of the car and open the gas tank.  Even though you were driving across town looking for the cheapest price, when you reach for the gas pump you happen to look at the price again and all of a sudden it’s a great big shock that gas is $3.99 a gallon, like it hasn’t been that high for weeks now.  You’re suddenly filled with this rage that just keeps getting hotter and hotter the more those numbers click. 

Click.

Click.

Click.

CLICK!

My woogie ass Hyundai costs about $61.10 to fill up at $3.99 a gallon.  I don’t usually let it get to ‘E’ because I fill up Sunday nights.  But when you look at the final price:  $56.87, $62.34, or even $48.91, you’re like… what the fuck?  You don’t even want to round it up to the nearest whole number because that’s just another penny you’re pouring into the tank.

It makes you crazy, and apparently, it’s making everyone crazy because now people are kirking out at gas stations all over the country.

A doctor in California had to bust out his tire iron when some rude jackass cut in front of him in a long line of cars waiting to get some “cheap” gas.  The doctor tried to be polite, “Hey man, we’ve been in line for a minute.  You gotta wait your turn.”  That didn’t work, and so the doctor had to get a little more persuasive—by digging in his trunk for his tire iron.  The whole escapade ended in a gas station melee with several people getting arrested.

A woman in San Francisco was so pissed about extraordinary gas prices that she set fire to two different gas stations, and for some reason, a Starbucks.  When she was arrested she told the cops that she had had enough of the high prices.

In Detroit, two gas station owners across the street from each other got caught in a “lower price” war.  One gas station would lower his price, and the other guy refused to be undersold so he would lower his price too.  The two gas stations kept lowering prices (which is great for the consumer) until one gas station owner got fed up and shot and killed the other gas station owner.  While the killer was awaiting his trial, someone rolled up and shot him.

In even stranger events, you know how gas stations change their gas prices?  Okay, so on the old school signs, it would be some guy on a ladder putting up numbers, but nowadays that’s too dangerous.  The guy would get up there on his ladder to raise the price and people would throw cups of coffee, try to kick the ladder out or just otherwise harass him.  Now, most gas stations are going digital, to spare the worker a death by scalding hot coffee—and gas prices are changing so rapidly that it’s getting to be quite annoying climbing up there every five minutes to raise the gas.

 

The Preacher’s Wife
A revivalist preacher down in Alabama has been charged with the death of his wife.  His wife apparently died about 4 or 5 years ago, but he was never charged because the police or authorities were not really aware that she had died.

Friends of the preacher said he told them that his wife had passed away during the birth of their last child.  By all accounts, it appeared the wife just fell off the face of the earth.  What really happened was that the husband was allegedly caught molesting their daughter, who was at the time aged 11.  Now the daughter is 19, and she came forward and said that her father, the preacher, had killed her mother.

According to the story, the little girl was being molested by the father in the bathroom and the wife walked in on them.  She, of course, was rather pissed by this and managed to get the husband out of the house, locking him out.  The husband went away for a few hours and came back to the daughter’s room.  She let him in through the window.

The next morning, the father asked the daughter to help him carry the mother down into the basement where he put her body into the freezer.  When the daughter, now 19, told the police about the incident, they went into the basement and they did find a body in the freezer.  The police have not finished their report, but it is clear to them that the body is female and has been in the freezer for an extended period of time.

The preacher is denying any of this has happened, but can come up with no real excuse as to why there is a body in his freezer.  His friends described him as a wonderful preacher but slightly strange.  Before the wife disappeared, the preacher reportedly told his friend, “You are lucky to have a wife that supports you and what you do for God’s work.”  The friend thought this was strange because the wife was always very quiet, never argumentative and generally a calm-natured person.

All of the children, ranging in ages from 19 to 10, have been removed from the home while the father is pending trial.

I’m telling, you have to go to CNN and take a look at this guy.  I don’t give a damn what religion you are.  He could not be my preacher.  He looks like the black version of Voldemort.

A Horrifying Bus Ride
It just goes to show that you don’t know somebody until you know somebody. 

A Canadian Chinese man got on a bus in Canada bound for Winnipeg just as calmly as any other passenger.  He did not appear to be crazy.  He was neatly dressed, polite and totally seemed like any normal person.

Witnesses say the man sat down in the front of the bus and when the bus stopped for a break, he got out, had a smoke and got back on the bus, but instead of sitting up front like he was, he decided to take a seat in the back next to a young man who was sleeping with his leant up against the window.

Soon as the bus started driving again, about 30 minutes later, the Chinese man, for no apparent reason, whipped out a butcher knife and began stabbing the sleeping man.  Witnesses say that the Chinese man wasn’t screaming or carrying on or anything weird, just very calmly and robot-like stabbing the guy. 

The bus driver stopped the bus and all of the passengers exited.  A trucker stopped to see what was going on, and he provided the passengers with wrenches and crow bars so they could keep the Chinese man on the bus until the police came.  Someone used their cellphone to call the Canadian Royal Mounted Police, who arrived at the scene to find the Chinese man had decapitated the body.

Then the man started to eat pieces off the body like whatever.

The Canadian Police were completely shocked and disgusted by what they say but the man wasn’t like wigging out on them.  He was too calm.  They did eventually get the man off the bus without any real incident.

So far, the man has been arraigned (or whatever the Canadian version is), but he did not appear in court with a lawyer.  He refused to speak, nodding only “yes” that he was invoking his right not to speak.  The judge has ordered a psychiatric exam.

Yeah, uhm…. I’m not a doctor or anything medicinal, or whatever, but my diagnosis is that this man is FUCKED UP.  Who just gets on a bus, chillaxes like nothing is going on and then just starts stabbing a sleep passenger.

But then, you know, murder is murder.  That happens everyday.  But then start cutting the head off.  And then start eating pieces off the body.  Yeah, I’m gonna say that he is fucked up, for $2000, Alex.

This is not normal.  His boss is totally shocked by what has happened stating that the guy was nice, friendly, always on time, never a bother to anybody.  Apparently, the Chinese man had asked for a few days off work to go to Winnipeg for a job interview.  The boss needed more information before he could grant the days off but the Chinese man never called back, and the boss thought that was totally unlike him.  The boss called his wife, and the wife said there had been a family emergency and he was gone.

The police have not released any new details regarding this bizarre incident.  No word on what the wife thinks.  No word on motive other than he’s a psycho.  Why did he choose that particular guy?  Or was it random.  They don’t mention if he was on drugs or drunk or anything.  I mean, I’ve known violent drunks, but not like where they cut someone’s head off and just start eating like they’re at the Golden Corral buffet line or some shit. 

And didn’t I just write about my bus trip from NYC?  I guess I am glad that bratty ass little girl kept me awake the whole time or maybe one of my fellow passengers would have hacked me up while I slept for no apparent reason.

It just goes to show that you don’t know somebody until you know somebody.

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