Daily News August 18

Blind Luck
When you get stuck in a rut, sometimes the only thing that will help you get out of it is unexpected.  A man from Roanoke, Indiana plays the lotto all the time and when he plays he always uses the same numbers: his kids’ birthdays.  He’s been playing those numbers for years, and he’s only won about $5000 since he started playing in 1989.

He left his glasses at home one day, and went to play his numbers anyway.  Instead of writing down a 48 like he usually does, he scribbled in 46 because he couldn’t see.  He didn’t realise he had made a mistake until he left, so he went back in and bought his usual numbers.

Not only did the messed up ticket win him $3 million, but his usual numbers won him an additional $1000.

So I guess I’m going to start going around without my contacts and glasses to see if something good happens.  In the mean time, I wouldn’t drive anywhere near me.

Locked Out
Some genius out in Texas robbed a pharmacy with a caulking gun wrapped in dark material.  The pharmacist thought he had a real gun and gave the man hydrocodine and other powerful prescription medicines.  The thief then ran out the store to his getaway car only to find out that he had left the keys locked in the car with the engine still running.

The jackass now realises he cannot drive away and by now the police were enroute.  He tried to run away on foot, but since the police thought he had a real gun, they shot his ass.  Luckily, the Texas police don’t have very good aim and they only got him in the shoulder.

This is what happens when you don’t stay in school.  Lock your keys in the car with the engine still running, rob the pharmacy with a caulking gun and then continue to carry something that cannot protect you but will get you shot.  The police opened fire on him because they thought he had a real gun.  This asshole almost died for a handful of magic beans. 

Calling All Ugly Hoes
A mayor in a small town out in the middle of Australian outback is getting heat because he made a comment about ugly women needing to come to his town.  The town is primarily miners and other outdoor types, mostly guys with very little women to be had.  The mayor said, “”Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa, where happiness awaits. Really, beauty is only skin deep. Isn’t there a fairy tale about an ugly duckling that evolves into a beautiful swan?”  Basically saying that women who have not been lucky in larger cities because of the multitude of good looking women overshadowing them, those ugly women should come to his town where there are so many guys that someone is bound to like them.

The town has a ratio of 5 men to 1 woman.  But instead of ugly hoes flocking to this town, everybody got pissed stating that the men were settling for ugly women or that the women were second rate. 

I don’t see anything wrong with the mayor’s comments.  It’s true, if there are 5 men and only 1 woman, that woman is going to pick the best looking out of all of them, or the one with the most money, or the one that humps the best, depending on her preference.  Sometimes a nice guy just won’t stand a chance, and that is how it is for women.

Ugly women in a sea of beautiful women don’t get no play even though they may have nice personalities and the beautiful chicks have nasty attitudes.  All women know that a woman should pick beauty over brains because men can see better than they can think.  So if you’re ugly, you should head to a town where there is no women, because your chances of getting selected are much higher because there isn’t anyone to compete against you.  And if you’re one of the first few ugly women, you can have your choice of the guys because there will be so many of them and hardly any of you.

What’s wrong with that?  So, as a symbol of my generosity I will be purchasing Qantas Airline tickets for a select few ugly hoes that I know.  May you find happiness in the Australian Outback.

That’s a Big Bitch
Last week, the world’s tallest woman, at 7’7, died at age 53.  She was always quite introverted until she wrote the Guiness Book of World Records looking for other freaks like herself.  She started touring around the world teaching children to be happy with what God had given them and never to be embarassed or ashamed about who they are.

The woman had a tumour in her pituitary gland that caused her to grow out of control.  By the time she was 10 years old she was 6’5.  At age 16, she had already passed the seven foot mark.  The tumour was removed but not until she reached 7’7.  She had been sick in recent years and finally passed away last week.

Cooking Up Espionage
Julia Childs, one of the world’s most famous chefs, has been revealed to have been a spy during World War II.  There was a top secret program that utilised pseudo-celebrities, including baseball players as spies against American enemies. 

All this time all we thought is that the bitch could cook.  Who knew she was smuggling Nazi state secrets in her recipe book:

German Pie
2 cups of sugar
1 cup of flour
1 cup of Jewish woman locked in basement
a pinch of salt
2 tablespoons of arsenic
Dash of hemlock

Combine ingredients.  Spread evenly.  Bake and sprinkle with hemlock.  Enjoy!

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