Daily News August 26

No Nuns on Parade
The first ever beauty pageant for nuns has been cancelled.  The priest who
was going to hold an online beauty pageant for nuns to display their inner
beauty stated that he received so many negative comments about the event that
he felt he had no choice but to cancel it.  His superiors were appalled as
well as the Catholic teachers’ association who labelled the event degrading.
 
The priest stated that he wasn’t trying to get nuns in bathing suits or strut
along a catwalk.  The nuns were going to write a short excerpt detailing
their devotion and charity, and they could post a picture with or without
their traditional veil.  There was nothing sordid in his intentions.
 
So I guess the pornographic production of Sister Mary Catherine:  Getting Holy With It is
also cancelled.
 
Final Destination 4
A flight bound from England to Spain made an emergency landing in France
after plunging 26000 feet.  The plane suddenly depressurised causing the
sudden plummet.  As the plane began to fall towards the earth, the pilot
requested an emergency landing (why he had to ask, I’m not sure), and the
plane was landed safely in France.  None of the passengers were gravely
injured, only minor aches and pains to the chest, ears and head. 
 
A spokesman who was on the plane stated that most of the people were like,
“Nothing to be done but kiss your ass good-bye.”  Apparently, nobody was
screaming or carrying on once they realised the plane was going down, just
slightly shocked and “properly terrified” (his words, not mine). 
 
Once the plane had landed, a second plane arrived to continue on to Spain.
One-hundred forty-seven passengers were supposed to get on board to go to
Spain, but only 125 actually got on the plane.
 
The other 22 said, “Fuck it, I’m walking to Spain from here.”
 
What a Bonus!
A state worker in Oklahoma received an $850,000 bonus only to realise that
the state had made a mistake.  The worker was supposed to receive $850.00 for
being state employed for more than 7 years, but apparently someone made a
typo when cutting the check.  The check was written for $850,000. 
 
While the money never made it into the worker’s account, she did get the
check (and probably shit herself).  She was told by her superiors that she
should monitor her bank account just in case the money does wind up in her
account.  The worker said, “I don’t go to jail for anybody.”
 
Hahaha.  $850,000 is really nothing these days, but if I ever did get a huge
error in my favour, I’d quickly withdraw all the money, by a plane ticket to
a nice non-extradition treaty country.  See ya!  Me love you long time.
 
I’d wouldn’t stay there forever of course.  Depending on how much it was, I’d
make sure I would stay long enough for the statute of limitations to run out,
and the 7 years it takes to clean up my credit after they billed me for
non-repayment.
 
Jail Break
Five of 8 inmates are still missing after a jailbreak in New Mexico.  The
inmates crawled through some pipes and cut a hole in a roof to escape.  They
are considered armed and dangerous; one of them is a murderer.  Three of them
(not the murderer) had various types of records and were all captured less
than a day after the escape.  The escape was noticed almost immediately
because someone saw geniuses in orange jumpsuits running down the road.
 
I guess it’s a good thing we don’t live anywhere near New Mexico or Texas.

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