Daily News September 4

Elephant Kicks Habit
A Chinese elephant who was a heroin addict has finally kicked the habit.  After being fed heroin laced bananas by illegal traders, the elephant known as Xiguang developed an addiction.  Once the traders were captured, the elephant was sent to a detox facility on an island near China.  He stayed there for 3 years, suffering from withdrawals.  He took methadone injections for a whole year before he was able to wean himself from heroin.

Now that Xiguang is clean, he can return to normal population at a wildlife park in China.

This just goes to show you that if an drug addict elephant can get off that stuff, then a person can too.  It took Xiguang 3 years to clean up.  So you know it’s no easy fix.  Coke fiends and heroin addicts, everywhere, let Xiguang be your inspiration.

Half Stolen Credit Cards
A man in Iowa stole credit cards from an unlocked apartment and began using them around town to buy lattes, cigarettes and deli sandwiches.  But instead of signing the owner’s name to the receipts, the genius signed his own name.

Once the owner had reported the cards stolen, it was easy to track down the thief from the receipts.  They saw his name and just looked him up. 

I guess we could tell he wasn’t that much of a genius.  If you are going to go through the trouble of stealing credit cards can you buy something with a little more value than a damn latte.

Evidence
A cross-dresser in Florida is being sought after he stole the purse of a 74 year old woman.  The woman believed that the man dressed as a woman was following her around in the store, casing her out to see when he could snatch the purse.  He was able to grab her purse and escape in a silver car with two other guys dressed as women.

This really isn’t so odd in itself.  Cross-dressing is not as bizarre as it used to be.  Witnesses say that the man was wearing a short denim skirt and a black tube top.  The crazy thing about this whole story was that as he fled the scene of the crime, one of his fake boobs fell out:  a condom filled with water.

A condom filled with water.  Just in case you didn’t understand me the first time.  Police are analyzing the condom for fingerprints to try and track down the man.

So, uhm, I don’t know if I have any readers that are cross-dressers, but I think there are other things a person can use to have breasts and they would NOT include a condom filled with water.  Can you imagine walking around with a condom filled with water stuffed in your shirt?  Okay, remember back in the days when girls were stuffing their bras?  It was embarrassing enough to be caught with tissue in your bra, but if you found some seventh grader with a condom filled with water in her bra.  It’s kind of too ridiculous to be believed, actually.  I don’t even know what else to say about this.  Especially since condoms are not really boob shaped.  I know they can be stretched out or whatever, but they are long, not … wide… or round.  So he had penis shaped boobs?

I can’t even stop laughing long enough to type this.  Thank God for spell check or there would be a whole lot of typos.  So sad.

No, you said she was dead
Police in Japan cannot decide whether someone was trying to clown them or if it was merely a mistake.  Police received an anonymous tip that there was something suspicious in the woods near a beachside resort.  When the police arrived they found what appeared to be a body wrapped up in plastic and stuffed inside a bag.  The police did not open the bag at the scene, but instead transported the body to the medical examiner’s office.  When the medical examiner opened the bag, she found a life sized doll dressed in clothes and a wig.   

Earlier that week, the city had been conducing earthquake evacuation drills, but the city says that no such dolls were used in the drills.  They have no idea where the doll came from.  They don’t know if someone left the doll there by accident or if someone just wanted to play a joke.

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