Daily News September 10

To Infinity and Beyond
A 12 year old autistic boy and his father were swept out to sea by a rip current, and spent a total of 12 hours in the water and darkness.  Because of his autism, the boy did not realise the danger he was in, and because he loves to swim he was having a good time while the father was internally freaking out.  They had been swimming off the coast of Florida and were trying to grab on to buoys but could never manage to do so.  The boy thought it was a game.

The boy does not have very much verbal communication, and the father would check on him saying, “To infinity.”  The kid would respond, “And beyond!”  They got that from the movie Toy Story.  The further and further they drifted from each other, the father kept saying the same phrase just to make sure his son was still.  Eventually, it got dark and they were more than 3 miles apart.  They heard the search helicopters over head but once it got dark, the search was suspended until the morning. 

After the father couldn’t hear his child anymore, he thought he had died and so he was about to give up himself when he remembered that he still had a daughter and he wouldn’t want her to lose both her father and brother on the same day.  The father was rescued by some fishermen but they didn’t know anything about his son.  He was passed onto the Coast Guard but he refused to go to the hospital so they could keep searching for his son.  An hour after being picked up by the Coast Guard, the boy was found by a rescue helicopter.

The boy, who still really has no clue what was going on, still likes to swim but the dad said they are not going to the beach anytime soon.

Since I am always writing about morons and criminals, I thought it would be nice to put in a feel good story just to let you know that good things still happen to people.  Although, why this man was swimming in the beach when there are rip current warnings posted all over Florida because of Hurricane Ike, I am not sure.  Everybody wants to think they are Michael Phelps but when that shit sweeps you out to sea, well, good luck with that.

23000 Strong and Growing
A Wisconsin man is happy to report that he has eaten 23000 Bic Macs in 36 years.  Sad, but true.  He has been keeping track of his obsession with the disgusting burger since May 17, 1972.  He admits to being OCD, but also says that he really, really loves the burgers and will not stop eating them.  He usually eats two a day and has kept the receipts of every burger he has ever purchased.

There have been only 8 days in the past 36 years that prevented him from getting his hands on a Big Mac like the Hamburglar.  The day his mother died, he didn’t eat one to keep a promise he had made to her.  Twice, because he had work emergencies, he wasn’t able to get to McDonald’s.  Three times he was travelling and couldn’t find McDonald’s.  Thanksgiving 2000 he didn’t have one and during a snowstorm in 1982 the McDonald’s could not open to sell him his goddamn burger.

The lesson he has learned from those missed days is that he should buy extra and freeze them so he can keep up with his mission to eat two Bic Macs and two yoghurt parfaits every single day.  He does not eat the fries, having given them up in the 90s. 

Surprisingly, he is not a big fat hog beast because of eating the burgers.  He walks about 10 miles a day and is a trim 185 pounds at 6’2.  He does not care if people think he is a freak or eating unhealthily.  “I enjoy them every day,” he said. 

Wow.  Two big ass hamburgers every single day.  There are foods that I just absolutely love, but come on now, every day?  I’d get tired of it.  I’d be like, if I see another goddamn hamburger I’m committing suicide.  I don’t know the guy, but I wonder if eating the hamburgers have gone past enjoyment and just fallen into habit, kind of like marriage.  You loved her when you first got married, but now you’re like, well, she’s here now and there’s not much I can do about it.  At least he did have the good sense to be healthy in other aspects of his life.  Think about it:  A Bic Mac has 540 calories in it.  At two a day that is 1080 and more than half your daily caloric intake.  Add the parfaits and that’s 760 for the both of them.  One-thousand eight-hundred forty calories (1840).  So if it weren’t for the walking, he wouldn’t be able to eat shit else without becoming a fat hog beast within a matter of a year or so.

Just for shits’n’giggles, McDonald’s supersize fries have 610 calories.  Enjoy!

It’s the End of the World As We Know It
As you have probably heard by now, the Large Hadron Collider was turned on yesterday.  For those of you who don’t know what the hell that is, it is a device intended to destroy the world as we know it.

No, I’m just playing.  It’s some kind of particle smasher, or whatever.  I’m not a scientist, so I’m not going to sit here and try to explain something I have no idea what it means.  From what I can gather, this is a scientific experiment to try to understand more fully exactly what happened after the Big Bang (sorry, Creationists). 

Immediately there was a controversy that this machine could have the power to create black holes large enough to engulf the earth and kill us all.  The scientists who created this thing and other scientists state that those theories are ridiculous, that any black holes created would be so small and would disappear before anything disastrous happens.  (Yeah, how do they know that?  Huh, huh!)

At any rate, there has been panic to the point that people living in the obscure backwaters of the world who are just now finding about the upcoming destruction of the earth are uppping their usual religious superstition.  There are reports in India that temple visits have heavily increased; many people have started to fast and pray asking God for guidance.

One Indian girl committed suicide because she did not want to see the End of Times.  Her parents tried to tell her that she didn’t need to worry about things like that, but I guess she couldn’t take it anymore and drank pesticide. 

The Large Hadron Collider is buried under the earth near the France-Switzerland border, and there has been a law suit filed to prevent the device from continuing its experiment.  Some scientist was like the black holes that could be produced may not fizzle out as other scientists are claiming.  Another scientist said, “It will be extremely exciting if the LHC did produce black holes.”

Uhm, so, I am not really sure what to do.  Being a moderately religious person, I do believe in the End of Times; however, I am practical and realistic and haven’t completely discounted science. 

So, I don’t know whether to start robbing banks and kicking people I’ve always disliked or continue on business as usual.  If the world is really about to end, I figure no one is going to let me know so I’d better take this opportunity to do what I’ve always wanted.  But then, what if the world doesn’t end and I get caught on my shoplifting spree on Rodeo Drive, it would be very unfortunate to have to spend some time in jail.

The predicament these people have put me in is amazing.  How am I supposed to plan?  I mean, can’t the scientists, like, I don’t know, do some more research or something? 

And then I’m like, how exactly would a black hole destroy the earth?  I mean, do we just disappear?  Or is it going to be like a slow moving, flesh eating disease, where we are painfully aware that the world is being swallowed up?  Is there going to be chaos, rioting and looting?  Or am I going to be waiting for the elevator at work and then suddenly I’m nothingness?

I need to know these things.


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