Misadventures of the Village Idiot #21

You know, just because you’re goth doesn’t mean that you can just throw the rules of fashion to the wind and start dressing like anything.  I’m not going to try to write out what I think being goth is about, because I guess it’s different for everybody, but there are always some underlying tenets we must all subscribe to.  It’s just the natural order of things.

Being a freak doesn’t necessarily mean walking around like God’s own abomination and somehow thinking you’re cool.  I sometimes think people hide under the nomenclature of goth because they are so horridly disconnected from everything else that there really is no place else for them to go, and sadly, I do not agree that is what being goth is about.  Whatever you were before you found the Dark Side should be interwoven into your own unique standard.  But I guess if you were abominable then, you are still abominable now.

Let’s just talk about the basic rules of fashion.

1.  The Skank Factor:  I’m not here to tell you what is appropriate and what isn’t.  Everybody has to decide where they want to draw the line, but really, really is it truly necessary to leave the Bunny Ranch with both your ass cheeks hanging out?  This chick was wearing this skanky ass short skirt that only covered half her ass cheeks.  I think it would have been better that she not wear the skirt at all and forego the pretence of being modest.  I guess it was a thong she had on underneath it, or some butt floss.  Whatever.  Thankfully, she was not a hog beast and could actually fit the clothes she was wearing but I think it’s over the top, and not at all sexy, to have your half-moons hanging out. 

If you should decide that skank is what you’re into, hey, no problem.  Rock it.  But if you’re going to wear that shit, wear… that…shit.  Don’t put on your Super Slut outfit and then hide in the corner, embarrassed that people are looking at you.  Twin Moons was out there on the dance floor shaking her ass because she wanted people to see her ass.  The other chick with the halter and mini skirt on looked uncomfortable that she had all her skin hanging out.  If you don’t want people to stare at you, don’t wear something like that.

If you want to be skanky, then be skanky.  Leave your grandma panties at home.  Chick in the laced up pants was wearing bright red bloomers underneath the pants.  I know because she kept prancing around in front of me with her equally poorly dressed companion.  Her underwear went from her bra strap to her knees.  She was wearing some type of pants that laced up on the side exposing the leg all the way up to the hip, precisely the type of pants thongs were made for.  If she was ragging and needed the extra protection, she should have left those horrible pants on the rack until she could comfortably wear the pants without revealing to the world her Just My Size Hanes.

2.  Boys in Make Up:  I wish I could pass a law that banned all men from make-up counters, but since I am not yet President of the Universe, I guess I will be forced to witness the abomination that is the older white man in make up.  He didn’t even look gay, which would have given him a by.  If you want to paint your face like a colour swatch at Home Depot, then shave your beard and wear contacts.  Smearing clown make up into your facial hair made you look like a little kid playing in plaster.  Then he threw the glasses on top of the whole atrocity.  I know we need to see and everything, but some things just don’t mix.

Then the other guy… it’s funny to watch a young Goth’s transition to the Dark Side.  This guy went from wearing his Sunday suit to the tired-but-true rave pants with bike chains hanging off them.  I figure he wanted to be prepared in case he needed to secure something.  At any rate, he is now starting to wear eye liner, but someone should actually let him know that eyeliner goes around the eyes, not the entire ocular cavity.  For a moment I thought a raccoon had escaped a cage, the way his eyeliner was applied, added to the chains he was dragging. 

3.  Shoes are apart of your outfit too: 
Nothing saddens me more than seeing a girl in a banging-ass outfit and glancing down at her feet to see that she is wearing shoes from the 2 for 1 bin at Big Lots.  So many girls forget that shoes are apart of the outfit, and can make or break you.  There was a well-dressed very pretty girl wearing a light coloured corset.  Her waist was cinched very small, and she looked smooth and svelte, and then I saw her shoes.  Some open-toe, sling back contraption that looked like a bear trap.  I saw everything from cheap Charlotte Russe Dorothy Gale slippers to grandma’s orthopaedic shoes from the polio outbreak of 1928. 

Which brings me to the platform.  If ever there was something that needed to be wiped off the face of the planet, it would be the platform shoe.  All of us Goths have committed this fashion crime at least once in our lives.  For some reason, we see these things and we think they are cool and suddenly our whole closet has turned into the High Stepper.  But once you realise that you are dead wrong, you should come off the stilts and throw them in the back of the closet never to be seen or heard of again.  I especially hate it when girls will put on a really feminine, frilly outfit and prance around on the dance floor like a faerie and you look down, and she has feet like a Clydesdale.  Unless you have cloven hooves for feet, leave the platforms at the stable.  They’re just not cute. 

I bet if you stacked up all the platforms I saw at Midnight underneath the houses in Galveston, TX, nobody would have lost their home.  No storm surge is surpassing the height at which some of these shoes can transcend.  Forget housing stilts, let’s use platforms!

4.  If it ain’t fittin, it just ain’t fittin.  And surprisingly, it is not the big girls that need to be addressed.  Even if you are deathly skinny, if it’s too small, it’s too goddamn small.  Go get a bigger size!  There was a normal size girl wearing a corset that was too damn small.  Yes, you’re supposed to buy them a size smaller so you can have maximum cinch-age, but when you get to the point where there is layer of fat and skin oozing from between the cracks of your top and bottom it is time to move up.  I guess skinny girls automatically assume that everything fits them, and sadly, this is not the case.  It looked really bad because she was not at all fat; a totally normal sized girl but for the ring of ooze spilling over her skirt line, like bubbling cheese on a deep dish pie.

5.  Smashing a hat on your head doesn’t count as doing your hair. 
Matter of fact, there is one hat that I would like to burn in effigy.  I can just imagine the godawful smell from that thing because I’d bet my eye-teeth that he hasn’t washed that thing since he found it at jumble sale back in 19th century England.  I yearn to see that lice-infested article atop a blaze right next to the Velveteen Rabbit.

These were by far the worst crimes committed last night.  Honourable mention goes to the girl in the upside down lampshade pants and zebra skin, and the other girl in rave pants with a big ass tail hanging out of them.  I’m not sure which type of animal she was emulating. 

The bottom line is that people are gonna dress however they want to dress, and truthfully that is what you should do, but you can’t just throw all caution to the wind and start dressing like it’s half off day at the Salvation Army.  If people would just apply a little common sense and thought into their outfits, they would actually pull off some very daring, yet fashionable attempts.  You would get praised for being unique, instead of clowned for looking like one.

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