Daily News September 26

Assault with a Silent, but Deadly Weapon
A West Virginia man was arrested on a DUI, driving without headlights, obstruction and battery against a police officer.  After being seen driving without headlights, the man was pulled over by a police officer.  He appeared drunk with slurred speech and he failed two field sobriety tests before he was arrested and taken to a station for a breathalyzer. 

During the set-up for the breathalyzer, the man allegedly farted and fanned the putrescent fumes in the direction of the officer.  The cop described the fart as “odorous” and “foul-smelling.”  He alleged that the man even scooted his chair closer to the cop and waving his hand as if to fan the fart gas closer to him.  The man said he did not intentionally try to “assault” the cop with his fart, but his stomach hurt and he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

The other cops thought it was funny, but apparently the main cop did not.  After his arraignment, the fart assault charge was dropped, but he still has to deal with DUI and other charges.

This is so ridiculous.  I’m glad that this drunk is off the street, but police officers show their incompetence, their wastefulness and their need to feel like they have supreme authority over people when they do dumb stuff like this.  Okay, the guy failed a breathalzyer; he’s drunk.  He’s going to jail.  That’s good enough, but you had to make yourself look like a moron by filing an assault charge against a man who farted at you.  You actually got out a little sheet, started typing up, “and then he farted and waved the fumes at me,” so an attorney could present this in court, thus dragging him into your stupidity.  You wasted the court’s time because of fart? 

This just proves that cops do try to do whatever it is they can to jack a person up.  Assaulting a police officer is serious business, so this guy is going to try to slap the man with an assault charge because he farted.  I’m sorry your delicate sensibilities were offended.

An Amputation of Penile Porportions
A Kentucky man is suing his doctor after he allegedly amputated his penis during surgery.  The man stated that he was not consulted or given options before his penis was lopped off.  The doctor stated that the man had signed a form consenting to any medical procedure deemed necessary.  The man had cancer and apparently cutting the penis off was supposed to help that in some medical fashion. 

The report does not go into great detail as to how a penis amputation was supposed to help the man’s cancer situation.  It also doesn’t state what type of cancer he had, whether it was testicular or prostate or some other gland that is in the general area of the penis.

I’m not even sure how to comment on this, since I’m not a doctor, or whatever.  It had to have been testicular cancer.  Sometimes when you get to that end stage in cancer, they have to cut out that shit or it’ll eat you up and kill you.  I mean, would the doctor really, really face a lawsuit by just cutting off the man’s wee-wee for no reason?  Malpractice insurance is astronomical, and most doctors don’t purposely go out of their way to do things that are crazy just for shits’n’giggles.  Mostly, it’s because doctors failed to do something, not because they did something extra.  I think the guy is just mad that Captain Winky had to go.  It’s like that sometimes.

You Can’t Say Bird On a Plane
A Brazilian man was arrested yesterday after he tried to smuggle 200 birds on a plane bound for Peru in his carry-on luggage.  The Brazilian TSA-type people noticed something suspicious about the man and stopped him to check his bag.  When they opened it, they found approximately 200 birds inside a bag, about 65 of the birds, canaries, were dead.

The man did not say what the birds were for, but he was arrested on animal trafficking charges.

See how stupid people are?  Two-hundred goddamn birds in his carry-on bag.  Like someone is not going to notice chirping and feathers flying everywhere?  That is just like the time when I worked on C Pier and this man tried to bring in a sugar glider.  It jumped out of his jacket and scared the whole damn checkpoint.  It was jumping so fast that we couldn’t really see what it was and everyone was screaming and carrying on.  No, not a terrorist threat, but definitely something where everybody got all worked up.  Then there was the man with the monkeys, and then the guy with the parrot on top of his head.  Like a goddamn zoo.

I guess this guy was trying to sell the birds or something.  But, why the dead birds?  He didn’t know they were dead?  When people wake up in the morning, do they think about what they plan on accomplishing that day?  Let’s see here, get up, pack, smuggle 200 birds on a plane.

Ben & Jerry’s New Flavour:  Spec-tac-u-lactate
PETA, the very aggressive animal rights group, has asked Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to start making ice cream using breast milk instead of milk from cows.  “It’s just healthier,” a PETA spokesperson said.  PETA has argued that milk from cows is linked to several problems in children including diabetes and obesity.  Milk from cows is dangerous according to them.  Instead, if they use breast milk, everyone can benefit from the nutrients found in it.

Ben & Jerry’s has declined to even entertain the idea of using breast milk in their ice cream.  They agree that breast milk is best for babies, but since babies don’t eat ice cream they aren’t really interested in anything else.  Other groups find it an extremely vulgar concept because while breast milk is best, it’s usually that mother and that kid.  Not this mother and some random kid down the street, even though it isn’t unheard of that one mother will breastfeed a child that is not her own.  That practise is not widely accepted in the U.S.

People on the street were asked whether they would eat ice cream that is made from breast milk and everyone said, “Fuck no.”  Ben & Jerry’s also said that breast milk doesn’t even have the same consistentcy as cow milk and that it would be horrendously expensive.  And who would provide the milk?

PETA has been known to offer some outrageous suggestions, so this doesn’t surprise me that they would come up with something so ludicrous as breast milk in commercial ice cream.  This is a country that finds it bizarre that children over the age of like 3 are still breast-fed.  I’m not going to debate whether you should breast-feed or give them Similac, but I find it to be singularly disturbing that they would want grown ass people to eat tittie milk from someone you don’t even know where the shit came from.

In America, ice cream made from cows has to have healthy cow milk.  You can’t have a mad cow giving milk.  And if you use something other than cow milk, you have to have a huge ass label on the container.  The agriculture department regularly inspects cows because of e. coli and Mad Cow disease.  So you’re kind of safe on that.  But who the fuck even knows what you would be getting if you drank breast milk, or had cheese or ice cream from breast milk. 

Who’s tittie is it from?  What kind of regulations would be in place?  Could anybody just pop out a nipple and start squirting?  What if the person had some disease?  Who is screening all of this breast milk?  How do you pay women who provide breast milk for dairy products?  So there’d be like some factory where a bunch of lactating women are strapped up to pumps and tubes and shit, just getting their boobs sucked dry? 

What does that shit even taste like?  Only babies know and it should stay that way.  Once you start having active memories, breast milk is no longer an option.  PETA wants to end the suffering of milk cows in favour of increasing the suffering of the general population sick off some rancid tittie milk.  If I’m at the grocery store and I pick up a dairy item and start reading the ingredients and I see some shit like “Water, Corn Syrup, Malodextrose, Aunt Jemima’s Tittie…. ” I just have two words for you:

Lactose.  Intolerant.

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