Daily News October 1

Too Dumb For America
Starting today there is an new immigration test that anyone wishing to immigrate to the United States and become an American citizen must pass.  The test will truly test you on your knowledge and understanding of the basic laws and concepts of this country.  Some think the test is too hard.  Some think that many Americans wouldn’t be able to pass the test.  I took the old test, for shits’n’giggles, not because I need to become an American citizen, but because I wanted to know what was on the test. The old test was multiple choice and easy.  They give you 10 questions, and you have to answer 6 to pass. 

The new test is more conceptual and asks questions like:  “What is the purpose of the Constitution,” and “Why did the Pilgrims come to America?”  They claim the new test is better because it gets passed memorisation of useless facts but provides more of a “why” to why things are.  The opponents of the test cite that immigrants will know more about the U.S. then Americans who’ve been here for generations.

I like the new test, but I do agree that if you passed this test out to the average Joe on the street, he wouldn’t have a clue but I bet you Moussah Al-Yusef ibn Ishtar, Rosa Morales and Qiang Jiaoxi will know every answer.  So sad.

They Aren’t Jailbait, Promise

The Olympic Committee has determined that the little Chinese gymnasts in this year’s Olympic games were indeed the proper age.  They came to this conclusion after investigating documents provided by the Chinese.  After much speculation that the girls were too young to participate, the IOC had to do an investigation.  One mystery blogger claim he had come across documents stating that one of the girls was only 14.

Of course, the public doesn’t get to see these documents that could be forged, but just on looks alone those girls don’t look 16.  I know Chinese women are petite, and naturally they always look very young but they looked even younger and smaller than natural.  Athletes, especially gymnasts train very hard and are often stunted in growth and puberty, but what about the rest of the countries?  The Americans?  The Romanians?  The Russians?  The French?  None of them looked like they were 8 years old. 

It’s all lies, I tell you.

Double Take
A San Diego bank has been robbed twice, by two different men, on the same day.  It is obvious to investigators that these two men did not plan for this to happen; it’s also likely that the two bank robbers don’t even know each other.  One man came in earlier in the day and stuck a pistol in a teller’s face and demanded money.  Then three hours later, another man came in and robbed the place.

How did this happen?  Okay, the bank gets robbed at 10 in the morning and then they stay open for business the rest of the day?  So all the employees are all traumatised from being held at gunpoint but the bank stays open?  Investigators come in to find out what happened, but the bank stays open?  This doesn’t even make sense, and once the news that the bank had been robbed at gunpoint, customers go to the bank like nothing?  Money stolen from a bank is insured, so you don’t have to worry that your money is gone, but really, don’t you think you would be like, “I’ll just go to the bank tomorrow.”  The bank has been robbed once and then later that afternoon some other jackass comes in and robs it.  Maybe they should just close the bank for the day before someone else comes in and rips it off.  Usually after something happens is when people are vigilant, so you get robbed and you’re just like, “Whateves!” and let someone else rob you again.  Hahah!

Cowabunga!
A woman was arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct after she was seen chasing children down the street while wearing a cow suit.  She then pissed on a neighbour’s porch.  The cops came and told her to go home but she continued to be disruptive, still in her cow suit, and the police eventually arrested her.

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