Bitch Fest #6: ARADVJbafdaf;jadf;akjfd!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Okay, that didn’t make any sense, but I’m kind of irritated.  I guess it must be the moon phase because I sure am pissed about a lot right now.

So, tonight I decide I feel like going out to Ascension or whatever, but first I want to stop by Whitaker’s house because her boys are with her tonight and I haven’t seen them in like 2 weeks.  I baked brownies and I always give half away so I don’t eat the whole box like a big fat pig beast.

I prefer catching 295 at 32 because I don’t actually like riding down 295.  Always too many accidents, too much traffick, people driving too fast on what is really a 2 lane highway.

As I am driving down US1, I noticed that it is completely blocked off heading northbound once you get to the Carmax.  At first I thought it was one of those drunk checkpoints, but I see they are doing construction.  They have detour signs.  So, I follow them like a normal person.

Sign says go left.  I go left.
Sign says go right.  I go right.
Sign says straight ahead.  I keep going straight ahead.

So, you know, I’m not a construction worker or anything.  I’m not like a Department of Transportation expert.  I don’t know anything about laying asphalt or whatever.  But I do know that if you put up detour signs, you probably shouldn’t let the village idiot do it for you.

The sign said go straight ahead, so I went straight ahead.  I’m driving and something just tells me that I really shouldn’t be going this way.  The road was residential, one laned with a lot of street parking making it very tight to pass through.  Then it had like traffick calming humps every five seconds.  It seemed kind of ridiculous.  Who would use a tiny one-lane residential street with traffick calming humps as a detour route to a major US route? 

Who would use a tiny one-lane residential street with traffick calming humps as a detour route that ends in a super small ass cul-de-sac?  The shit just pretty much ended.  I’m sitting there like, where the fuck is the rest of the road?

I was like, hmm, maybe I missed a sign.  Luckily, my car is the size of a crushed matchbox and I was able to turn around on the little ass street without any major problem.  Sure, it took me like six 3-point turns to get out of that bitch, but I didn’t have as many problems as the guy behind me who was driving a big ass F-250, hauling one of those bike racks.  Sorry ’bout your luck.

I try not to start rampaging for no reason, so I purposely went all the way back to the start out of the detour just to make sure I didn’t miss a sign.  Go left.  Go right.  Go straight ahead.  No more signs.  Road ends at the cul-de-sac of some dark residential street that looks like it belongs in the backwoods of Swiss upcountry. 

What kind of brainless mutants do they have out there doing this kind of work?  Because I wasn’t the only one who kept straight.  There was a line of cars piling up on that street stuck because it was so tight with on-street parking that they couldn’t turn around, and you know how people are so stupid they drive right up on your ass, so you can’t back up and it’s like this huge ass clusterfuck of cars clogging up the road.

I could have turned around yet again to go and tell the construction people that they need a sign that says go left instead of keep straight, but that would have been too much like right.  Gas might be cheaper, but it ain’t that goddamn cheap for me to be driving up and down every street in Howard County trying to figure out where I am supposed to go.

If you’re going to close a major road you should probably do it late at night like 2 or 3 in the morning when you don’t have that many cars out.  Then you should also properly label your detour route so you won’t have this huge ass shit-fuck pile up annoying people’s houses.  I’m sure the people who live on that street were like, what the fuck is all this noise?  People live on cul-de-sacs for a reason.  They don’t like traffick and people driving through their neighbourhoods making a whole bunch of noise.

As you can see, I am totally worked up by this. 

Then I go over to Whitaker’s house, enjoying her company and a goddamn bomb goes off in her neighbourhood.  I swear to God it was a bomb.  Or a disrupter grenade.  Or a mortar.  Or some type of heavy artillery.

Military people know this shit.  Not like I’ve been in a war or anything but they make you go through this live round simulation at basic training so you know what everything sounds like so when you hear the shit coming you can stick your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.

We’re sitting there, talking and we hear this distant, but loud BOOM!  I look at her, she looks at me.  She was like… is that a bomb?  I was like… that sounded like a mortar round.  We were both like… no, no, no… You’re not allowed to shoot off rounds like that on Ft Meade because of the proximity of residential areas.  Got to go to APG for that.  So she was like, that’s a door slamming.  Hell no it ain’t no door. 

Five seconds later we hear mad sirens and dogs barking.

Other people heard it too, because you know how people are, everybody was hanging out their doors and windows trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. 

When I left, I did try to be nosy.  I saw some teenagers getting arrested but it was not in conjunction with what we heard.  Then about a minute later I saw a search helicopter.

I know they are declaring a war on drugs and everything, but I didn’t think they’d start shelling neighbourhoods like that.  Damn.  That’s some raw shit.


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