Daily News November 19

Total Recall
There are some frozen Lean Cuisine chicken dinners being recalled due to hard pieces of plastic being found in the meal.  Don’t eat any of these:  Pesto Chicken with Bow Tie Pasta, Chicken Mediterranean, or Chicken Tuscan if you see this number [EST P-9018] on the side of the box.  The chicken dinners were distributed everywhere in the nation, so you might have one that has the plastic in it.  You can take it back to the store for a full refund.  If you’re not sure call this number (800) 227-6188 and cuss their asses out!

I would just like to know how pieces of plastic got into the mix.  I mean, last time I checked, plastic is not a known ingredient to any recipe I have ever heard of.  But you know, I’m not a chef or anything, so I could be wrong.

Club Sandwich
A Florida man is under arrest for allegedly beating his girlfriend with a sandwich.  They were driving down I-95 when he got pissed and hit her in the face with the sandwich, knocking her glasses off.  She lost control of the car and almost hit someone else.  Then the man ripped off the rearview mirrror and flung it out the car.

I need him to take some anger management classes.  Like right now.

Penny Pincher
A blind woman living in Massachusetts received a nasty letter stating that if she didn’t pay her overdue bill they would cut off her power.  Her daughter came over her to help her check her mail and found the letter regarding the overdue notice.  The woman owed ONE CENT from last year.  The letter demanded the penny … or else!  Both the blind woman and her daughter were uspet to receive the letter, but also wondered why they didn’t just add the one penny on to any of the bills she’s paid.  The company said they don’t read the letters before they actually mail them to the customers.  Everything is computer generated.  The woman said she will pay what is owed.

Damn, I know it’s a tough economy and everything, but damn…. a whole penny?  You can hardly get interest on a penny, but if they want that penny, you better give it to’em.  That penny will probably make or break them.

There and Back Again
A felon in a prison in Kentucky managed to escape after a corrections officer accidentally left a door open.  The CO opened a door to clean a specific area and then left.  The felon was like, “I’m out!” and he ran out the door.  He was gone about 10 hours before he came back.  He knocked on the door of the prison and was like, “Hey, ya’ll, I’m back.”  The corrections officers did not even notice he was gone until he came back.  The felon claimed that he made it all the way home but his sister convinced him to return home because it might be dangerous for him.  But the warden of the prison thinks he spent more time in the river than anything else, and that’s why he came back.

Hahahah.  He better hope they don’t add escape charges to his jail term, or it would have been a wasted effort.  Don’t you notice when God gives you an opportunity?  It may not be how you want it, but it’s always on time.  In 20 years I don’t want to hear him say, “God, when can I get out of here?”  God is going to say, “Son, I left that door open for you.  Why did you come back?”

One-Legged Bandit
A Florida man is under arrest after he robbed a bank.  Nothing special about that except he was in a wheelchair because he had a prosthetic leg.  He rolled up to the counter and told the woman that he had a bomb on him and he would detonate it if she didn’t give him the money.  She gave him money and he tucked it into his fake leg and rolled out of the bank.  When he was eventually caught, the man told police that someone else made him rob the bank.  That if he didn’t do it, they would shoot him.

You know it’s after 9/11, right.  You can’t go around talking about you have a bomb anymore.  So he turned a plain old bank robbery into weapons of mass destruction and a hoax explosive device.  Before 9/11 he might have done a couple years in prison; now he’s going to be there for the rest of his life.  Him and his fake leg.  Sorry ’bout your luck!

Bum Fires
A homeless man in California has been convicted of setting the fifth largest wildfire in California, that happened three years ago.  The man purposely set a fire that caused billions of dollars in damage, destroyed hundreds of homes and injured a couple dozen people.  The bum will go to jail for 4 years and has to pay a fine of $10 million.

So, he was a bum when he started the fires.  He was homeless, living on the streets.  Now he just got fined $10 million.  Where the hell is he about to get any kind of money to pay his fine?  He has no assests, no job, no nothing.  When he gets out of prison, he’s probably going back to the streets, so…. I wouldn’t hold my breath!  That is a shit ton of cans.  Just for shits’n’giggles in order to pay a $10 million fine he would have to collect 200 billion cans at 5 cents a can.  He better try to get some bottles that usually go for about 10 cents a bottle.

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