Daily News November 26

A 35 year old man in Tennessee has been charged with public indecency after he was caught planting his butt print on someone’s window.  The man has been doing this since last year, and the townspeople called him the Butt Bandit.  Apparently, he slathers up his ass with Vaseline and then goes around town leaving his ass print on the windows of stores, churches and schools.  Sometimes he even greases up the ole family jewels and leaves that print too.  Since only fingerprints are kept on police record, they had no idea of matching an ass print, but he was finally caught in the act and now he is under arrest.

Wow, you don’t have anything else to do but lather up your ass with some Vaseline?  That is just so… retarded… I can’t even think of anything to say about it.  Ass prints on schools, churches and stores.  Because that’s the first thing you want to see when you sit down for your lessons and prayers, someone’s ass print.  Nice.  The town is real small, though, so didn’t anybody notice some random guy buying a little much Vaseline? I mean…..well, you know what? …… I could go there, but I’m not.

Sweet Jesus!
A Belgian chocolatier is being criticised for creating a Jesus made of chocolate.  The candy called “Sweet Lord” was frowned upon by Catholic and Protestetant church leaders in Germany and declared pretty much blasephemous.  Naturally, the Roman Catholic Church, who doesn’t like anything, found the idea of a chocolate Jesus to be less than tasty.

The creator of Sweet Lord said he wanted to reintroduce religious values into today’s society, but really, he’s just in it for the money, I think.  He wants to be partnered up with a major producer in time for Easter.

Oh, sweet Jesus, got to get me a candy Jesus!  Unwrap the corny gold wrapper and sink my teeth into his delicious, creamy chocolatey smooth crown of thorns… That is actually kind of horrific when you think about it.  The creator wants to sell it in the United States, but can you imagine the Jesus Freaks in this country freaking out over the idea of a gold wrapped Jesus sitting on Wal-Mart store shelves next to Peeps and the Cadbury Bunny?  That’s like the Apocalypse right there.  You just don’t do that!

Handled Cold Turkey
A Richmond, Virginia woman came to the rescue of another woman who was being car jacked by beating the car jacker with a frozen turkey.  The robber had just stolen money from a gas station and then ran across the street to the grocery store parking lot and hijacked a woman for her.  Several customers came to her help, including the lady who started beating the suspect in the head with the turkey.  He had several serious head injuries, but he got into the car and drove away, but he was so fucked up he crashed and was arrested.

You know a nice-sized turkey weighs like 20 pounds, right?  If I was a carjacker or whatever and someone came at me with a big ass turkey, I’d be like, “Okay, I was just kidding.  Never mind.”  But see, I guess he was thinking, it’s a turkey, what can go wrong?  It’s all fun and games until someone gets a beat down.

Flatulent Felony
A Florida student has been arrested for passing gas in class.  The boy repeatedly interrupted the classroom by intentionally passing gas and then going around the room and turning off other students’ computers.  He got so annoying that the principal called the police and had the boy arrested on “interference in school operations” charges.

You know, if I didn’t read this shit for myself, I would never believe half the stuff I write in my “In the News” blogs.  I only get my news from credible sources like CNN, MSNBC, Fox or Reuters, so it’s not just some National Enquirer bullshit that I’m bringing to you.  But really, when I read shit like “boy arrested for farting in class” or “man makes ass print on church windows” I have to wonder are the reporters at these professional news agencies just making this stuff up because it’s a slow news day?  You know, people are getting tired of the war in Iraq, the housing meltdown, the economic crisis, so why don’t we make up a story about a man who used water-filled condoms for fake boobs.  I mean, really.  This much stupidity cannot really go on in the world.

Oh, wait… Never mind.


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