Black Friday of Death

Black Friday is not a real holiday, but it should be one.  They should let people off work so they can partake in the madness that is staying up all night, standing outside some store, only to rush inside and grab everything you can and then stand in a long ass line to check out.  I have done about 4 or 5 Black Fridays in my lifetime, and no matter how crazy they get, I will keep going.

The most memorable Black Friday for me?  The year the TMX Elmo came out, and I saw a man and a woman get into a fist fight over the last Elmo doll at Target.  The crazy thing is that the woman was beating him down.  While they were boxing, some other customer came up and snatched it up.

In second place, is the year Pokemon Gold came out.  There was a brawl in the Kay-Bee Toy Store at Regency Square Mall.  About 5 old women got into a barroom fight trying to get the last Pokemon game that was behind the counter.  The employee had it locked by the cage, and some woman asked for it.  As he tried to give it to her, another woman tried to snatch it out his hand.  And after that, it was on.

I feel bad for the Wal-Mart worker up in New York that got trampled to death as he was trying to unlock the doors to let everyone in.  Completely unnecessary, but the Northern practise of closing Wal-Mart is at fault.  Down in the South Wal-Mart does not close for any reason.  It is open 24 hours a day, every day, no matter what.  Hurricane Katrina can be right on top of your head, but Wal-Mart is always open.

So instead of standing outside in the cold at 9 o’clock at night like everybody up in Maryland and New York and wherever else, my cousin and I casually walked into Wal-Mart at about 130AM, sat in chairs and had personable conversations with the people waiting with us.

I took my cousin Erique, and for some reason he really wanted to sleep outside the store because I had originally thought about going to Best Buy.  That would have required staying out all night.  I heard they were having Dell laptops for $199, but when we rode past there, the line was already mad long.  Someone said that they had been lined up since 2 that afternoon because of the laptops.

To indulge him, we did sleep at the Wal-Mart but only for a couple of hours.  We got up at 130 and went inside the store.

When the stores are 24 hours, they keep all the sale stuff wrapped up and you can’t buy that stuff until 5 am, but you can buy everything else.  So we mapped out the store, figured out where everything was.  My goal was a TV and a camera.  They had a 32 inch LCD TV on sale for $300 and a 10.2 megapixel camera for $59.  That’s all I wanted.  This year I had to watch how much I spend on Black Friday because money is not falling out the sky like it normally is.  I guess the economy got me like it got everybody else.

At any rate, Black Friday was funny to me this year.  When we got in the store, the Wal-Mart worker told us that the cameras were going to be behind the counter, so we all lined up after stealing some chairs out the furniture section.  Everybody was sitting down, chatting and talking, drinking coffee, whatever.  At around 4, they started rolling out the TVs, so I told Erique which TV I wanted and to go see where they was putting it.

Okay, at like 415, some little girl walks past with the camera I want.  I’m like, how did she get the camera if it’s behind the counter?  She said it was in a box.  Okay, we go to the box, yes, the cameras are in a box.  I would have been so pissed if I had stayed over there and didn’t get my camera.  Then I discovered that they were selling 4GB SD cards for $10.  That’s a good deal!  So I told Erique to go find where those were.  Someone had already bust open the box over there.

So, this is how things in the south are so much different then up here in the north.  There was this little high school girl in the store by herself and she wanted a camera, a printer and an SD card, but you have to stand in the lines.  So we worked together.  Me, her, and two fat women who were in front of me, we were all after the same things, so we agreed to get more than one and just trade off.  That worked out well.  Because Erique was my go-boy.  I kept sending him to the box with the SD cards.  The Wal-Mart worker was getting mad because we weren’t supposed to be in the boxes.  At one point, he tried to snatch the cards out my hand.  Sorry, boo, nobody snatches from me.

Everybody in line for a camera, got an SD card because Erique kept going down there to get them.  He said nobody was paying attention to him and he ripped a hole in the bottom of the box and was getting them from the bottom while the Wal-Mart worker was holding the top.

Next to the cameras were the people waiting on the PSP.  Their box was wrapped up tight.  Those people were going crazy trying to get in that box but it was like layers and layers of tape and saran wrap on the box, so they were busy just trying to get all that mess off.  We had already bust open the camera box but the worker came by and put a chair on top of it.  I moved the chair because I said at 5 am, that chair was going to go flying in somebody’s face.  Not a good look.

Okay, 440.  Everybody is already tearing open boxes.  Can we tear open ours?  The fat lady was like… Just open it !!!  So I opened it and as soon as we did that, everybody in the whole store was just going crazy.  The Wal-Mart worker was screaming, “It’s not 5 yet!  Stop, stop!”  Someone was like, “Just be quiet.”  So she walked away, “I’m getting out of here before someone kills me.”

Then I hear someone calling my name.  I turn around.  Here is Erique with a cart with a big ass TV in it.  “I got the TV for you!”  How did you get the TV down off the thing? He said somebody helped him.  That would not have happened up here.  Someone would have taken it from him.

This is why you need a helper on Black Friday.  You need someone to guard your basket, your purse or whatever else because while you are fighting for a camera, someone can be stealing the TV out your basket.

To reward him for his excellent help, I bought him a big ass remote control Jeep Rubicon that was only $20.

The high school girl was so glad that I helped her out.  She was trying to get this printer but there was only 6 of them and she was the sixth person in line, and she wanted the camera too, so I got the camera and the SD cards for her.  That was very nice.  I told her she can’t trust everybody, but I was a nice person (on most days) and she’s only a kid.

Anyway, normally I buy about 50 movies on Black Friday but this time I only bought one.  I was ready to leave because my plan was to hit up Wal-Mart then swing around the corner to Target, Best Buy and Circuit City.  They are all on the same block in this neighbourhood.

But where did I go after leaving Wal-Mart?

The emergency room.

I forgot to mention that the whole time I was in Florida I had a fever of 101, my throat was sore, can’t hardly swallow, can’t eat, starving, dying of thirst, terrible headaches so bad I can’t hardly see..

But I’m in the store Black Friday shopping.  See how my priorities are all mixed up?

What’s wrong with me?

Strep throat.  Like a mother.

I’m in the emergency room, and luckily instead of getting shot, people were at Black Friday shopping because there was nobody in the ER.  Have you ever been to the ER and been able to get out of there in less than 3 hours?  Yeah, it was like a record.

Then the doctor was clowning me.  She told me to open my mouth.  She was like, “Oh, yeah, you have strep.  Very badly.  Your tonsils are completely covered.”  I was like, “Yeah, I know it.”  She asked me how long I had been sick.  I said 3 days.  She said, why you didn’t come to the ER before?

I said, well, I was driving on Wednesday from Maryland.  Then Thursday was Thanksgiving, didn’t want to mess that up.  And Friday was Black Friday shopping.  I said, “Matter of fact, we just left Wal-Mart like 15 minutes ago.”

She said, “You were at Wal-Mart shopping just right now with your throat like that?”

Yeah, why?

You are very, very sick.  Your fever is very high.  Another person might be passed out like this.  How did you manage?

I have been taking Advil but it’s not really doing anything except keeping the fever down.  Throat still hurts really bad.  But the TV was only $300.  I cannot pass that up.  Everybody has those new flat screen TVs, and I’m the only one in the universe that didn’t have one.

The doctor was looking at me like was I crazy.

Then she gave me a shot in my ass.  I know she made it hurt too because she thought I was a fucking moron for walking around with strep throat for 3 days for a goddamn TV.

She just jabbed that long ass needle in my ass and then she was like, “It’s going to hurt a little bit.”  After the fact.  Thanks a lot!

But I got my TV though.  I couldn’t afford the big 50 inch, but I’ll settle for my off-brand 32 inch.  It will look nice in my little living room and I can watch my favourite Spanish soaps in HD while I recover from strep.  I am still sick and I won’t be going anywhere for a few days.  But I got my TV though.

And this bad ass little camera.  I’m really about to be a paparazzi princess with this thing.

I got my TV!


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