Why Your Grandma Doesn’t Need a Job, Part 2

Okay, so yesterday I clowned black grandma.

Just to be fair, I should probably clown a white grandma, or a Mexican one, or an Asian one.

You don’t even think that shit like this can happen to a person on a daily basis.  Just when I think it is safe to lead a normal, quiet existence, there’s always something there to remind me that everywhere that Sheri went, trouble was sure to follow.  I suppose I should thank the Good Lord that my life isn’t boring, but for real… I sometimes go back and read the shit I get into, and it’s like a goddamn movie.

So, this evening, after I get home, I decide to go out and run the errands I was too lazy to do last night on account of the freezing ass cold.  There’s no groceries in the house and after a less than satisfying dinner of butter and mayonnaise with a side of ketchup (since there’s only condiments left in my fridge) I decided I should probably hit up the grocery store.

I usually go to several different stores, you know, bargain hunting and whatever.  I wanted to have steak and rice for dinner but my rice pot broke a long time ago, so I always just run into the Chinese restaurant to get a quart of white rice.  So, tonight I went to a store I don’t usually go to because I wanted some Nutella.  But before I went to the grocery store, I went into the Chinese place next door; I don’t usually go there.

I said to the Chinese grandma behind the counter, “Can I get a large white rice?”

She says, “Yes, I go get for you.”

Chinese grandma goes to the back and I am busy texting on my phone so I don’t even realise that Chinese grandma has been gone for a minute.  I was kind of surprised to realise I had been standing there like ten minutes, texting my friend.  So when Chinese grandma comes back, I wonder what the fuck she was doing just trying to get some white rice.  She goes to the register and hits some buttons and then she said, “Five dollar.”

Of course, not five dollars, but five DOLLAR.

I said, “Five dollars?  For some white rice?”

She said, “You no say white rice.  You say fried rice.”

Perhaps in Chinese white and fried sound the same, but I know that my English is impeccable.  Unless I’m hanging out with friends, I always use clear speech.    I know I didn’t say fried rice because I really don’t fried rice like that.  I can make my own.  I said, “No, I wanted white rice.  Plain white rice.”

She said, “You no say white rice.”

Then I said, “Okay, I want a large white rice.”  I enunciated white, even over-pronouncing the H in white.  Can I get some whhhhhhhhhhhhite rice.

Then she says, “Okay, this white rice.  Five dollar.”

I got a little bit confused.  You know I am not that smart.  She said five dollars for fried rice.  Now she is trying to give me the same bag, now claiming it’s white rice for the same price.  I said, “Is that white rice?”

She said, “Yes, yes, white rice.  Five dollar.”

Why is the plain white rice, the shit that is already made, sitting in a warmer, FIVE DOLLARS??  I asked her this.  She said, ‘You pay five dollar.”

I smiled politely and was like, “Never mind.”  The other Chinese place I go to only charges 1.75 for a large white rice.  I am not paying five dollars especially since I think it’s really fried rice in the bag.

So, mind you, the lady NEVER gave me the bag.  I never touched it and as I started walking out the restaurant, Chinese grandma ran up to me, shouting at me.  She was really pissed.  She was like, “You pay, you pay!  You pay five dollar!”

For what?  I didn’t buy anything.

“You pay.  You get rice.  You pay five dollar.”

Okay, I don’t have the rice.  You do.  I never touched it.  I don’t want it.  I don’t want fried rice, and I’m not paying five dollars.

For some reason when Chinese people get mad, they get really mad.  And this lady was pissed.  Her face got all red and she came around that counter so fast, I thought I was about to be Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in that piece.  I was like, let me get the fuck outta here before it turns into House of Flying Daggers.

She started shouting in Chinese and another Chinese grandma came running up to the front, but I was already walking out the door.  They were both screaming at me in Chinese, but I ignored them because I was kind of like… how did this situation get out of control?

I was kind of like… damn.

I go into the grocery store which is right next door.  You know how you go to the market to buy like milk or something simple and you come out with a whole bunch of shit you don’t need?

I went in there to buy Nutella.  But I came out with broccolli, two pounds of grapes, 3 muffins, a dozen eggs, some pears (not the tree or the partridge) and orange juice.  Basically, I was in there for a minute because I kept seeing stuff I wanted, plus only one register was open.  So I would say I was in the store for like 20 minutes.

I pay for my shit and I walk out the door, and who is outside waiting for me?

The damn Chinese grandma.

She was like, “You pay!”  She still had the bag of rice in her hand and I said, “I don’t want it.  I am not paying five dollars.”

I walked out into the street towards my car and Chinese grandma actually followed me to my car.  I was parked right up front.  I am putting my groceries in the car and now she is just staring at me.  She is no longer speaking.  She is staring at me like she cannot believe that I am not going to pay her.

Just so you guys did not forget, I don’t have the rice.  She does.  She is holding it in her hand.  SHE HAS THE RICE.

She is really looking at me like I just stole from her, and I’m getting in my car and Chinese grandma is staring me down, like she is about to get the damn Red Phoenix Triad on my ass and have them gun me down in the streets somewhere.

I get in the car and start the engine and grandma starts walking back to the restaurant.  The other Chinese grandma comes out the restaurant and they are both standing there on the sidewalk staring at me.

See why grandma should not work anymore?  She needs to be at home resting somewhere because this was out of control.

I was just thinking about this the whole way home and the whole time I was cooking dinner, like, did that shit just really happen to me?

By the way, I stopped at the place I normally go to and got a large WHITE rice for $1.85.


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