Daily News December 12

Oops, My Bad!
A German actor played his role just a little well when he almost committed suicide for real on stage.  The actor was portraying a role in which his character attempts suicide by cutting his own throat.  The scene should have involved a dull edged knife, but somehow that knife was damaged and the fake knife was replaced with a real knife that hadn’t been dulled.  The actor did not know this when he sliced his own throat on stage.  The audience, who didn’t know anything was wrong, was applauding as the actor’s scream of agony sounded so real, the blood looked so real and he stumbled off the stage as if he were really in pain–when in all actuality, that’s what really was happening.  Luckily, he did not cut too deeply and he missed all the important veins.

The crazy thing about all of this, is that he went to the hospital and got patched up and then went back on stage the next day to do it all over again.  No way in hell would I continue in the role unless I carried my own fake knife that I have personally checked to ensure that I won’t be cutting my own throat in front of thousands of people.  An investigation was done and it was determined that foul play was not involved, merely some jackass who did not do his job correctly.  Incidentally, in his next play, the actor will be committing suicide again–this time with a gun.  Please, please, please make sure the shit is fake.  We don’t need another Bruce/Brandon Lee thing going on.

Ooops, My Bad, Part 2
A Michigan husband and wife who were into kinky sex, decided that they should handcuff each other to the bed.  The wife handcuffed him and it was fun, then the husband handcuffed her and he lost the key.  He had to call the police so they could come with a universal key to set her free.

That’s why you’re supposed to put the shit in a safe place before you resort to all this kinky behaviour.  How embarassing.  I hope he put some clothes on her ass first before the cops showed up.

Camp Hideaway
An Arkansas man has been arrested after he was caught trying to execute his master plan of theft.  The man went into a gas station and asked for the restroom.  The employee showed him where it was, so the man went into the women’s restroom, stepped up onto the toilet and climbed up into the ceiling.  After about an hour, the employee realised that the man had never come out of the bathroom.  He went into the bathroom and didn’t see anybody in there.  Just as he decided he was crazy, he noticed that there were footprints on the toilet seat and that there was a broken piece of ceiling tile on the floor.  He could actually hear the man moving around in the ceiling, so the employee called the police.  When the police arrived, they dragged the man down from the ceiling and asked him his name.  The man said his name was Jason Solo (for you people that don’t know Star Wars, that is the name of Han Solo and Princess Leia’s child).  Fingerprints revealed the man’s true identity.  The man told the police his plan was to sleep in the ceiling until the store closed so he could rob the place undetected.

What about the cameras, moron?  Uhm, but I guess you can’t blame the guy for trying.  Hiding out in the store is not new, but hiding around in the ceiling of the women’s bathroom is certainly a fresh take on things.  Where do these people come up with this stuff?

Men, Listen To Your Wives
A New Zealand man was sick of his wife’s constant nagging.  All week she kept telling him to buy a lottery ticket for her, and he wouldn’t do it.  She was getting on his nerves one night so he was like, “Fuck it, I’ll buy the goddamn lottery ticket.”  He managed to make it to the store two minutes before closing time.  He was the last customer of the day.  Later that night, the drawing was held and the couple won $4.2 million (US).

Didn’t. I. Tell. You. To. Buy. A. Lottery.  Ticket!  Hahahaha.  They were having a rough time because they just had a child and they were down to one income and the wife thought it might help.  See, behind every hard-headed man is a great woman who knows what’s up!

Nothing Else To Do With Your Money
A New York man got a ticket for $115 and he spent $7500 trying to fight it.  He said that he didn’t have anything better to do.  Supposedly he got the ticket for parking in front of a hydrant although he claims the only hydrant on the street is down the block.  The ticket received $200 in late fees, and he spent most of the $7500 on legal research.  If the ticket is overturned, he will sue the city for recuperation of his money.  If he wins, he said he will give the money to educational charities.

Well, shit, if you don’t have nothing better to do then waste your money, send that shit to me!!  Mama has bills to pay.  I could have paid off my car and had just enough leftover for some egg foo young, while you’re bullshitting.

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