Daily News December 18

Baby From Another Baby
A doctor in Colorado has seen it all after he operated on a newborn baby boy.  The boy was delivered three days earlier, and it was determined that the infant had a tumour growing in his brain.  A pediatric brain surgeon was called in to remove the tumour.  When the doctor began to operate, he saw that it was not a tumour but a foot growing inside the baby’s brain.  As he continued to operate, he also discovered parts of an intestine, another foot, hand and thigh that was developing.  The doctor said it was a strange abnormality.  The doctor explained there are two conditions that could have caused this:  teratoma, which is basically a tumour in the shape of a body part, usually muscle, hair or teeth; or a condition called fetus in fetu, in which twins grow within each other in the womb.  Normally, teratoma is not as complex as a foot.

The baby was operated on and all strange growths were removed successfully, but it is possible that other tumours can grow.  He will have to be monitored routinely as a child, and every now and again as an adult.  The mother reported no signs of danger during her pregnancy, and every ultrasound she had showed the baby as otherwise healthy.  The baby is now undergoing therapy to begin healing and the process of developing normally.  The doctor thinks this could be the next step in evolution where we start growing our own parts.

I’m glad to hear that the alien baby is going to be all right.  It would be rather devastating to go through life with a foot sticking out the top of one’s head.  Someone on a website suggested that the parents’ lifestyle and diet be thoroughly examined just in case they were the cause of this abnormality.  The doctor said this could be the next stage in evolution.  I know all the Creationists start freaking out when you start talking evolution, and normally I would take up the debate for the other side just to get them all riled up, but this time I have to side with Creationists.  I’m probably a lost cause, and if by some strange and bizarre occurrence I should become pregnant, I don’t want to have to explain to my kid that it’s completely normal to have an entire leg coming from his ear.  On the other hand, it might put him at the advantage.  He could be in class doing his homework, while that leg could be kicking other kids’ asses.  You know, maybe I spoke in haste.  Because I’ve always contemplated the merits of having an extra arm or something.  You know, for shits’n’giggles.

Face/Off
The first ever near-total face transplant has occurred in the United States today.  The woman was severely disfigured in the centre of her face.  She was missing her right eye, the upper part of her jaw.  She could not taste or smell and she could barely talk.  During the surgery, she got a new nose, a set of cheeks, an upper jaw and some facial tissue from an “organ” donor.  The woman’s name and other identifying information are being withheld at her request, but she was pretty much humiliated and embarrassed to ever go in public.  Eighty percent of her face was transplanted, but she has kept her own forehead and chin.

After a long legal, medial and ethical battle, and 20 years of research and 4 years to find a suitable candidate for the surgery, it is now complete.  The woman will have to take immune-suppressing drugs for the rest of her life so her body will not reject the new parts.  She will also go through re-education to learn how to control her facial features and six months of nerve regeneration.

Of course, everybody is a critic of everything.  People are claiming it is immoral and unethical because the face is the definition of self, who we are, how others see us and how we see ourselves.  However, most people who want face transplants have been severely disfigured because of accidents, burns and birth defects.  The only candidates for the surgeries are people in this category.  These people are usually on their last hope and wind up committing suicide because their lives are ruined.  Which kind of argues the point of the face as self.  If you’re hideous, people treat you hideously.  So it’s only natural that you might want to do something to fix that.

I hope this lady finds some peace in her life.  I hope she looks good.  I hope she’s freaking beautiful.  She probably has been sitting in her house all her life, wondering what it’s like to just be normal without people staring at you.  I’m glad that she kept her name and picture to herself, so when she is ready to go out into the world she can just be like everybody else.  There have been three other face transplants performed, two in France and one in China.  A man was mauled by a bear, another woman was attacked by a dog and a man had tumours growing in his face.  Both the French people are on their way to normal lives, but the Chinese man died of unknown causes, but we already know what’s going on in China with their fake, cheap ass products.

Black Widower
Drew Peterson, the man who is suspected in the disappearance of his fourth wife and is being looked at in the death of his third wife, is engaged!  Since the fourth wife is only “missing” he is still married, but he went ahead and got engaged anyway.  The woman he’s supposedly engaged to has not come forward, and Drew Peterson won’t say anything specific about his upcoming nuptials.  The new fiancee, a 23 year old hoe from some place, has been dating him for 4 months.  Her family does not approve.  It will only take a few months for Peterson to be legally dissolved of his current marriage, and nobody knows what is going through the mind of this new fiancee.

Okay, so, does anybody else see a problem with this?  He has been married four times.  He is suspected in the fourth wife, and being looked at for the third wife.  You feel safe dating this type of guy?  Marrying him?  We all know about innocent until proven guilty, but you might want to apply a little more caution when dating a guy who is being accused of murder.  But what can you expect from some young hoe?  I guess she is taking this as her only opportunity to get close to a “celebrity.”  But somehow, a murder suspect is not the type of celebrity I was interested in.

Chrysler Cancelled
The U.S. automaker Chrystler has announced that it will close up shop for 30 days beginning this Friday.  They will not make a single car for one month while they try to figure out what they are gonna do.  The American automakers have been hit pretty hard because of the crappy economy, but it is taking Congress a while to decide what they are going to do.  Bail them out, don’t bail them out.  Right now, no one is interested in buying a car.  Car sales are down thirty-seven per cent this month.  Chrysler is off by almost fifty per cent.  They were already slowing their production, but closing the sale is the worst part.  Some people want to buy but cannot get financing because lenders are tightening their standards.  Getting financing through the dealership is almost impossible.  The employees of Chrysler will be paid, but not their full value.  The company has said that no one will come back to work before January 19, and after that, they don’t know how many or for how long.

I don’t know shit about the economy or what to do to revive it.  I had an intense discussion with a co-worker about this, and I said I wasn’t in favour of the bailout because we are the ones that have to pay for it through taxes.  I’m already a penniless waif, and I don’t thank the banking and auto industry for contributing to my homelessness.  Sometimes somethings just have to end.  My co-worker said we should baill out the automakers because we are America and we invented the car, but that’s not good enough reason for me.  For so long, America has held onto the gas-guzzling oversized ridiculous looking car that some people just switched over to foreign made cars because they made more sense.  I do believe in For America, By America because Amer’I’can [inside joke] but no one in my family  has ever driven an American car because they are unattrative and fuel inefficient.  Now with the banks in trouble and gas prices all over the place, no one is putting faith in our own industries.  The automakers are a day late and a dollar short, and this is what happens when you lay down with dogs.  They were in bed with the oil industry for so long, now they are finally waking up and they have fleas.

I’m sorry to hear that a lot of people will be losing their jobs, and I would be crying a river if it was me, but necessity is the mother of invention.  We will think of something else and survive.  I feel like there are more tough times ahead of us and a lot of American dreams will become American nightmares, but it’s always darkest the hour before dawn.  We won’t be down for long.  Hopefully, something good will come of this country and we won’t go down like the Romans.

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