Daily News January 9

I’m not quite done with my “Lessons Learned” bit, but I realised I haven’t written an “In the News” for 2009 quite yet.  I’ve come across some rather amusing stories that require immediate attention.

Great Balls of Fire
An Australian woman has been charged with murder after her husband allegedly hugged another woman.  She saw him hug this other woman and automatically assumed that he was having an affair with this chick, so while he was sleeping, she poured an alcohol solvent on his nutsack and set it on fire.  The woman is reported to have said, “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.”  The man was dead sleep when she did this, and you know, getting your balls set on fire is not really something one can sleep through.  He jumped up out of his sleep and knocked the alcohol over, spreading the fire throughout the house and into the adjoining property.

The man eventually died of his wounds, and the fire damage was estimated at approximately $711,000.  The woman is charged with murder, arson, and the endangerment of life, since her three children were home when she decided to set her husband’s balls on fire.

You know, ladies, there are always ways to handle your business.  Set the man’s balls on fire?  Yes, the idea has merit, but you have to weigh the risks.  Now he’s dead and your ass is going to jail.  This hoe don’t even know if he was cheating.  Apparently he only hugged this woman.  She didn’t even catch them in bed together.  What she should have done was set a PI on his ass and gathered up evidence.  When she was sure that he was cheating, she hauls his ass into divorce court and takes him for everything he has, ensuring that the alimony he will have to pay is so high that he will never get a chance to use his balls again because he will working so hard to pay her off.  That’s the American way, but then again, this woman was from Australia.  In Australia, apparently you just get your nuts set on fire.

Nigerian Bike Helmet Law
Nigeria has decided to join the rest of the civilised world by enforcing helmets for riders of motorcycles.  In Nigeria, motorcycle taxis are very popular.  There are more than a million of them riding around in the city capitol, most of whom are poor and illiterate and do not know traffick laws because they don’t actually have licenses to be riding on a motorcycle.  Apparently, there were so many brutal deaths that Nigerian authorities say that all riders must have helmets.

Unfortunately, many Nigerians are a superstitious people, and some of them are too poor to afford helmets, so to avoid being arrested by the blood-sucking traffick police, the motorcyclists are using dried pumpkin shells, pieces of rubber from old tires, plates and construction worker hats as helmets.  The police said they have arrested a number of people using the pumpkin shells tied together with strings as a helmet.  Construction workers are renting their helmets to motorcyclists for about $4 a day, cashing in on what has become a lucrative business.  A real helmet costs about $6-8 but most Nigerians say that is too expensive.  Other Nigerians say that wearing helmets makes them easier to rob, or that the helmets attract black magic spells that could knock them unconscious.  The health-conscientious say that wearing helmets will cause scabies, craw-craw (who knows what the fuck that is), ringworms and dandruff.  Whatever the reason, many Nigerians feel that wearing a helmet is a no-go.

If I drive down the street and see some jackass with a pumpkin on his head, I’m going to shit myself.  It’s not really nice to make fun of other cultures and their beliefs, but sometimes some things are just too ridiculous to be believed.  Black magic will get you if you are wearing a helmet?  If anything, I would think wearing a helmet would protect you from black magic because your brain is covered and therefore the magical waves cannot penetrate through the… pumpkin… you have on your head.  Look at all the schizos in this country, a lot of them are found with aluminum foil on their heads because they feel like the voices that plague them cannot get in.  I would think that a piece of tire rubber would accomplish the same thing, in fact, it would probably be better because aluminum is a conductor, rubber is not.  I don’t know… I don’t know that much about black magic and pumpkins.

I Can Walk, It’s a Miracle!
A beggar woman in Mexico was well-known on her route where she and her husband would beg for change.  It was widely believed that the woman was confined to a wheelchair, since her husband would push her up and down the street while panhandling.  For some strange reason, both the husband and wife started throwing rocks into a furniture store window.  When the police arrived, the woman could suddenly walk… in fact, it was so miraculous, that she was able to get out of the wheelchair and run away from the cops.  They have not caught her.

The power of the Lord compels you!  It’s amazing what the right prayer can do for you at the right time.  All this time, wheel-chair bound, begging for change and suddenly, the power to flee the police on foot.  Hallelujah!

Crackerjack Box Prize
Remember Crackerjacks?  Remember when you were a kid and you loved to eat that stale caramel popcorn that came in the cardboard box just so you could get the cheesy prize?  Maybe it would be a bouncing ball, or a puzzle or some super-power magic ring.  What if it was $10,000?  That’s some prize, and that’s what a California family found in a box of their crackerjacks when they opened it.  The money turned out to be some woman’s life savings.  Apparently, the woman had stuffed the money in the box after losing faith in her bank.  She was old, and she felt that the bank wasn’t safe anymore, and a box of stale popcorn would be a safer bet.  For some reason, she returned the Crackerjacks and realised her mistake a few weeks later.  The people who found the money were apparently all very honest and the money was able to get back to the elderly woman.

I guess this is why I’m going to hell.  If I opened up a box of food and I found money in it, I wouldn’t say shit.  I’d spend it!  Sorry, grandma, about your luck!

Another Reason I’m Going to Hell
Some old lady found $97,000 in a tapestry bag in the bathroom of a Cracker Barrel in Tennessee.  She returned it to the lost and found, and the owner of the money came back.  She was another old lady who had recently sold her home and was moving down to Florida with her son. 

Ninety-seven thousand dollars?  You wouldn’t hear shit from me!

The Abominable Snowman Seen in Alaska
A 22-foot snowman named Snowzilla was found in some man’s front yard in Alaska.  The man who owns the home used to build a giant snowman in his yard every year, but the police asked him to stop because Snowzilla was becoming a public nuisance.  The man lived on a very small street and the traffick and pedestrians clogging up the road to look at this snow-monstrosity were pissing the neighbours off.

The man uses all of his snow and snow from his friends’ yards to build the snowman.  But this year, the man swears that he did not build the 22 foot snowman that is now in his front yard.  Neighbours say Snowzilla appeared overnight.  Tuesday, there was no snowman, early Wednesday morning 22 feet of hardpacked snow and ice, with a top hat made from tomato cages, tree branches (not limbs… BRANCHES) for arms and beer bottle eyes was sitting on the corner. 

The neighbours are pissed.  “People are just standing in the middle of the road talking about a snowman,” one woman said.  People are coming all the way from Russia and Japan to see the abominable snowman.  That’s a big bitch!

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