Daily News January 12

Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch
Residents of a community in Papua New Guinea smelled something funny in their neighbourhood, so they went to investigate the source of the smell.  In a small clearing, they found a 22 year old woman, someone who lived among them, burned to death.  She had been burned as a witch because her neighbour had mysteriously died and they thought she was the cause of his death. 

Papua New Guinea is one of those small random nations where people follow superstition than science.  A number of people, mostly women, have been burned as a witch.  HIV, AIDS and other diseases are usually the reason the women are accused of witches, even if the women have had no sexual contact with any individuals.  In one case, a young woman and her baby were set on fire after the neighbour was reported to have AIDS.  The woman and child did not, but because she didn’t follow normal village practises, it was automatically assumed that she was a witch and that she had something to do with the AIDS virus going around in the village.

Oh, and I all this time I thought it was random, unprotected sex with freelance drug users that harboured AIDS.  I had no idea that witches were behind it all.  Damn you, Wiccans!

Taco Bell Wedding
I guess the economy really is bad when people start getting married in a Taco Bell restaurant.  This guy from Illinois met this girl from Australia on the internet and they chatted with each other for about 9 months before she picked up and moved here to be with him.  On New Year’s Eve, he proposed to her and just the other day they got married by their friend who was ordained as a minister ONLINE.  The minister wore a t-shirt; the bride wore a $15 hot pink dress (probably bought from a thrift store).  The workers at the Taco Bell wrote “Will You Marry Me” on hot sauce packets and strung them up as decorations.  The mother of the groom says this is the way to go because the wedding cost about $200.

Three words, “Yo quiero divorce.”

From Osama to Obama
A hair salon owner in Chicago has decided that’s all in the name.  He owned a hair salon called “Ossama’s” but business quickly plummeted after the 9/11 attacks, which were allegedly masterminded, or at least, approved, by the nefarious Osama bin Laden.  After President-elect Obama won the election, he changed the name of his salon to Obama’s and now business has skyrocketed.  The owner says that people have stopped in to tell him that the name change was a good idea.  He is still waiting for Obama to drop by to get his hair cut, though.

I mean, really, who would have anything named Osama in this country?  Yeah, we all know that there are probably some very nice people named Osama, but think about it… names like Adolf aren’t exactly on the 2008 Baby Name of the Year List.  Once you’ve got that air of notoriety hanging about you, it’s kind of done. 

Ninja Thief
A fat man dressed like a ninja has been skulking around Palm Beach trying to steal ATMs.  Twice, this ninja has attempted to steal an ATM, one from a bank and another from a Walgreen’s.  Both times he was unsucessful.  He is seen on tape with a visible potbelly, dressed entirely in black with the black hood that ninjas tend to wear in movies.  You know, covering the whole head and face, except for the eyes.  There is no description on precisely how he is trying to steal the ATM.

Uhm… so, if you’re fat, you probably can’t pass as a ninja.  But that is beside the point.  We’ll pretend some guy is running around town dressed like a goddamn ninja and we’ll move on to the fact that he is trying to steal ATMs.  Even if you did manage to steal the bank machine, how do you propose to get it away from the scene of the crime?  They aren’t exactly light.  Then once you get that bitch  home, don’t think you can just bust it open and steal all the money inside.  They have all these locks and crypto thingies designed to deter tampering, so if they are actually stolen, they stop working.  Furthermore, let’s say you get it open, who’s to say there’s actually money in it?  ATMs do run out of money.  I would hate for you to go through all that trouble (dressed like a fat ninja) only to get that thing home and it has a couple of twenties and a ten left in it. 

Just for shits’n’giggles:  in China, ATM theft carries a penalty of LIFE IN PRISON.  Have fun!

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