Daily News January 14

It’s All In the Name
Okay, so Monday I wrote about the importance of names with the salon owner from Chicago changing his store’s name from Ossama’s to Obama’s.  I said something about not really seeing any kids named Adolf these days.  Okay, I take it all back.  Three children were removed from their parents’ home in New Jersey this week after the bakery at the grocery store got an unusual request.  The parents came in requesting, “Happy Birthday, Adolf Hitler Campbell,” to be put on a birthday cake.  The bakery refused, and the worker thought something was strange so she called the police and children’s services.

The Campbells have three children:  Adolf Hitler Campbell (aged 3), Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.  The parents are neo-Nazis.  The kids weren’t removed necessarily because of their names, but because of what children’s services found in the home.

Well, there’s three kids who are fucked up for life.  I wonder if the other two kids are school-aged and if they go to public school.  Can you imagine telling someone your middle name is Aryan Nation?  In most states parents are allowed to name their children whatever they want, but I’m sure they got some funny ass looks when they signed the birth certificate.  But you know what, this is America.  Do what you want.

Bank Error in Your Favour, Collect $200
We all remember monopoly and you pull that card that says bank error in your favour and you get to keep the money.  Yeah, that doesn’t happen in the real world.  A couple from Tennessee deposited a check for 1772.50 and the bank took it as 177,250.00.  The couple saw the money, withdrew all the money and moved to Florida.  They were in the process of buying a house when the authorities caught up with them and they were arrested on fraud charges.  The woman said her husband is some kind construction person who frequently gets large amounts of money and she didn’t notice the difference. 

That is so lame.  If your husband frequently gets money like that, why all of a sudden you withdraw ALL the money and move out of town?  Nice try.  Like I said before, I would keep money I find out on the streets, but if the bank gives me extra money or the government gives me some money, I’m giving it back because I don’t want the headache!  Or the handcuffs.

Pilot, Financier, Magician
A financial manager from Indiana made some bad investments, cheated his investors out of a lot of money.  Instead of sucking it up and paying them back, or going to jail, or getting his kneecaps busted out like everybody else, he decided to say, “Fuck it,” and leave it all behind.  He hopped aboard a small plane, flew south to Florida, and while he was over Alabama, he maydayed to say he was in trouble, that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely.  He then parachuted out of the plane, landed somewhere in Alabama, while the plane continued flying until it crashed somewhere in Florida, about 50 yards from a residential area. 

While in Alabama, the man claimed he was the victim of a canoeing accident, and evaded authorities by going around under a false name.  By the time it was discovered who he really was, he had disappeared, but someone spotted him.  The man then tried to commit suicide by slashing his wrists.  Apparently, he owed some people a lot of money and he was trying to disappear to avoid going to jail on fraud charges. 

Sometimes simpler is best.  It would have been very easy to just get up and walk away quietly.  All of this faking plane crashes, fake canoe accidents, fake names, hiding in the woods… it’s way too much going on, because now you have all these people looking for you….. when you were trying to HIDE.  Apparently, he can call himself a pilot, financier and magician, but he cannot call himself smart.  Better luck next time!

The Bride’s Dowry
A man has been arrested for arranging to marry  his sixteen year old daughter to a neighbour for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and some meat.  The man sold his daughter, then the family called the police to ask for help on getting their daughter back because the guy who bought her wasn’t making the payments. 

Just in case you were wondering, this was in America, outside San Francisco actually, not Afghanistan or some obscure island nation in the South Pacific.  The man is a Mexican immigrant and such marriage arrangement where he is from is normal, but this is the United States.  We don’t sell young girls into marriage… unless the groom to be is like Donald Trump or something.

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