Daily News February 11

Thou Shalt Not Commit Fashion Crime
A Baltimore father is in jail after he stabbed his son for wearing a hat in church.  The man asked his teenaged son to remove his hat while in church, but the boy refused.  The dad then got up, left the church, went out to the car, got a knife, came back, stabbed the boy in the ass, (yes, in the ass) and ran away.  The boy was taken to University of Maryland hospital downtown.

Well, unless you’re a southern black woman in her Sunday hat, you shouldn’t wear a hat in church in the first place, so I guess the daddy was right for stabbing him in the ass.  I don’t know if stabbed the man in his ass because he was running away from the knife or he actually aimed for the ass.  I don’t know which is worse, wearing a hat in church or stabbing someone in the ass.

Facebook Addiction
Nearly everybody you know has a Facebook or Myspace page.  If you come across someone who doesn’t, they’re pretty much an alien.  A lot of us are even addicted to our online social networks.  Some of us (ME!!) update our statuses every five minutes:  “Princess is now taking a shit.”  I was once mocked by a friend because she said, “You know how on myspace you get the top 3 statuses, yours is always one of the three, in fact, it’s always the top one.”  Addicted as I am to Myspace and Facebook, I promise you that I will not steal someone’s laptop from under their nose just to update my status or check my messages.

A Florida man is under arrest after he asked a customer in a Starbucks wi-fi location to borrow his laptop so he could check his Facebook account.  The customer said, no, so the man grabbed the laptop and ran out the store, desperately trying to check his account before he was subdued by two other customers until Paul Blart, mall security could come and detain him for the real police.  The man is being charged with theft by snatching.

A Kansas City woman has been saved by her tightly sewn in weave.  She was at a supermarket when she spotted her ex-boyfriend and another man.  An argument broke out, because the ex-boyfriend was trying to get back with her, but she told him that she didn’t love him anymore.  She got into her car to leave the scene, but the ex-boyfriend came after her, firing at the car repeatedly.  The woman was able to get away but when police came to the scene, they discovered that she had indeed been shot, in her weave piece.  Because the weave was so tightly sewn in and packed with glue and track pieces, the bullet was not able to penetrate all of those kanekelon fibers to her scalp.  The woman, who wears a ghetto P.G. County red sew-in, stated that she had been wearing that particular hairstyle for some time and because of this miracle, it is unlikely that she will ever take the weave out.

Well, isn’t this a weavie wonder?  Who ever would have thought that a cheap $1.99 super beauty track piece would save a hoe?  Maybe I should think about investing in some toyokolan fibers, maybe weave it into a bullet proof vest.  Gives new meaning to “hair shirt.”

Jails Closing, Inmates Freed
Due to budget cuts, the LA Sheriff’s Department may have to fire several hundred law enforcement and corrections personnel, input a hiring freeze and release approximately 4000 inmates back onto the streets.  In these harsh economic times, it appears only inmates can get a break.  Of course, they’ll have to face a tight job market and dwindling wages like the rest of us, but they always have a skill to fall back on: home invasion, robbery, murder and rape.  In times of desperation, people like this always survive.  So why would they go back on the streets?  There just isn’t any money to run the jails or pay the people who supervise the system.  The Sheriff stated that he would look to non-violent criminals, such as people awaiting trials or wife beaters. 

If California wasn’t a wasteland before, it will be after this.  But what goes around comes around.  Closing jails and prisons, coming soon to a city near you!  Whenever they decide to unleash the dogs tied up in Baltimore prisons, I’ll be on the first plane headed to the moon.


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